Baby before marriage - parents NOT happy

[Oli16]

Me and my boyfriend are expecting our first baby and the way my parents have reacted makes me feel like I’m having a teen pregnancy (I’m 33, been with partner for 5 years who they love)

since telling them at Christmas they have been really weird about it, they say their excited but I’ve had multiple conversations with my mother who keeps asking me how “committed” my partner is and “why hasn’t he proposed to you yet” - I’m finding out their quite traditional and even though I say we have plans to get engaged / married quite soon, it’s left a very bitter feeling between us.

Its pretty common to have a baby before marriage but she says she “feels” for me which made me feel horrendous and upset.

has anyone else experienced people being dicks about having a baby before marriage?

so disappointed and I think they seem miffed too

Yes

But weddings do not have to be expensive. There is no need for a big show. It is meant to be about 2 people who love each other committing to each other not a big dress, flashy cars etc etc.

I still don't understand why your OH is telling you he is going to propose. Why does he not just do it? Talk about making a big drama about it

we plan to get married probably after the baby arrives sometime next year......
partner has said he’s proposing before the birth

The two of you have already agreed that you will get married and have a rough idea of when, ergo you are already engaged. Why does he need to propose? What is the point?

It absolutely does not. I have never had an issue in 20 years. If you have a copy of the bc and permission from dad that’s all you need- but everyone needs that regardless of name.

even when I’m with stepdc I’m assumed to be mum. I had to explain at a&e once why I couldn’t sign consent.

in fact the only people I do know that had an issue were friends with the same surname, who very nearly were not allowed to fly as they had no documentation as they assumed they didn’t need is as they had the same name.

there are many cultures where “family names” aren’t a thing, how do you suppose they travel? What if grandparents, or an aunt, or a random with the same name is illegally taking the children?

it’s not names that raise the red flags, it’s solo adults with children and other markers.

my step dc now have different names to mum and stepdad as she remarried- they have no issues travelling. They’ve never asked for a letter of consent either.

one of the reasons I am glad I gave dc their dad’s name and not mine as a woman having a different name to a child rarely causes issues. Yet a 45 year old man staying in a hotel with a 13 year old girl with different names would (should) have the police at the door. Same with a man flying abroad with a child with a different name.

The first year of having a baby can be very testing on even the most solid of relationships. What surname do you intend to give the baby?

How do you know that? Statistically that may be true in most cases but not all and you have no idea if op or her boyfriend are going to sacrifice income for looking after their child

Considering a baby is quite a commitment and you plan on getting married, then I see her point.

pregnancy and maternity are extremely vulnerable times for women and relationships. She is worried about you, your future and a potential safety net.

if you weren’t interested in marriage then fine, but seeing as you are it’s weird to plan to have a baby before creating some legal safety for yourself and baby.

Mate come on

The strength of the relationship matters and being married or engaged doesn't reflect directly on that

I'd like to think you are a troll rather than actually have this opinion. In which case I feel sorry for you

If they were married he would still be under no obligation to look after their child. You can't force people- married or not- to be a decent parent

This exactly.

The only actual implication of marriage in the things you have listed is inheritance tax and claims on assets if you split up.

There are so many myths on mn about marriage.

I must know more decent men than not. I don't know anyone close to me who has walked away from their children. The youngest couple I know have 50/50 custody.

I'm not naive and I do realise that it does happen a lot.

There is a bloke at work who told me his ex didn't let him see his kids. I thought he had either done something bad or he didn't care.

These are significant though (I take it you're including death in service in that too). Marriage confers rights automatically on the partner in the case of death or divorce - these are not myths.

The only actual implication of marriage in the things you have listed is inheritance tax and claims on assets if you split up.

Isn't that enough? There have been posts on MN by women who have lived for years in a house solely owned by their partners. When they have split up, they have been left with no claim on the property and nowhere to go. If the woman has been a SAHM or has worked PT, and has no assets of her own, she will be in a desperate situation.

It's also the case, as noted above, that an unmarried father does not have automatic PR unless or until he is named on the birth certificate. If the mother dies, or is incapacitated, before the birth is registered, he has no rights to make decisions for the baby, or to take him/her home from hospital.

That’s very ill informed of you.

Don't you think you'd benefit from no IHT (in the case of a death) or your share of the assets (in the case of divorce)?

Seems odd to minimise these. They are fairly hefty.

It's a lot easier to get up and walk out the door to work leaving dp/dh at home with a child than it ever would be to arrange for them to have them when they live in a different house.

I think it’s time that women were taught this though.

if you aren’t married you need to be financially independent.

if a woman chooses to have children, give up work and become financially dependent on a man, then I’m sorry but when he dies or they divorce and she’s in the shit then it was her own choices that led her there. Nobody else’s.

if you give up work make sure your pensions are paid. Make sure assets are in joint names. Take responsibility. If he won’t do this don’t have children with him.

women have a choice. We need to stop giving up our independence and relying on men, married or not.

interestingly I didn’t want to get married. Dh did- for a start he believes in it, but mainly because I am financially independent that power to make me stay was removed. He knew I could leave him at any point- women who don’t earn are tied to the man, they know they can’t up and leave, so they don’t need marriage. Dh feels more secure married.

feel free to choose your own path wrt marriage and kids, but make absolutely sure that if your dh died or disappeared you can still support yourself.

@Happydays2025 , being engaged means very little but marriage is a legal commitment.

The poster probably worded it badly, but I too find it a bit strange that committing to buying a house and creating a human being are done without the legal protection of marriage.

I think it’s time that women were taught this though.

Or women, as adults, could take responsibility for their lives and make sure they understand the possible consequences of any major life decisions.

Too many women, based on posts on MN, seem to act as if they have no agency in their own lives and just wait for someone else to make the decisions; see all the 'when will he propose?' threads.

It's not legal protection though.
Have you not heard of common law marriage?
Buying a house can be joint and in both names
Having a child together means joint responsibility
I know plenty of unmarried couples with children, unmarried for various reasons.
If so desperate for the 'protection' of marriage then that says allot about the relationship

My personal view is actions speak louder than words. OP says he will propose but he hasn't yet and no guarantee he will. Rose tinted glasses indeed.

Judgemental indeed.
You've read too much into this.
A proposal doesn't change the relationship materially, nor should it.
Some people think marriage is more important than others. It sounds like they will get to it when it suits them!
In then meantime they can protect themselves financially ect.
So many bitter people telling the OP it's a bad idea, more a reflection on them imo.

@Happydays2025 UK law does not recognise common law marriage.

Indeed! Not owning the house you live is just stupid.