Baby before marriage - parents NOT happy

[Oli16]

Me and my boyfriend are expecting our first baby and the way my parents have reacted makes me feel like I’m having a teen pregnancy (I’m 33, been with partner for 5 years who they love)

since telling them at Christmas they have been really weird about it, they say their excited but I’ve had multiple conversations with my mother who keeps asking me how “committed” my partner is and “why hasn’t he proposed to you yet” - I’m finding out their quite traditional and even though I say we have plans to get engaged / married quite soon, it’s left a very bitter feeling between us.

Its pretty common to have a baby before marriage but she says she “feels” for me which made me feel horrendous and upset.

has anyone else experienced people being dicks about having a baby before marriage?

so disappointed and I think they seem miffed too

Baby has to have your surname if you're not getting married thought please it's your right please insist on this

Loved the sarcasm @Whippetlovely!
@Praying4Peace I feel you! I find it strange that a lot of posters here tell women that in order to protect themselves financially, they should marry before children, as if it was the only way for us to be safe and secure. There are many ways to be financially independent and savvy - and isn't marriage another form of being financially dependent on a man, anyway?

Yea.. Just don't come back 15-20 years later with 'I'm devastated, my partner just told me he doesn't love me anymore and is leaving me. We've been together for 20 years, have 4 kids, I was a SAHM for 15 years, no, we're not married. He planned to, but never proposed. What I'm entitled to (the answer is fuck all) and what should I do now????' Thousands of posts like this here, on MN, over the years.

It's nothing to do with 'morals' or 'being embarrassing'. It's protection, a legal contract.

What if a women wants a child but not a Husband? The mind boggles what different options women have.

They can have children and work.

My DS was a little pageboy at our wedding. He's grown up now and I'm still with his Dad. It was a lovely wedding and my SDs were bridesmaids.

No doubt a few posters will think it was like a scene out of Shameless but it really wasn't.

I love how some women on here can't wait to put other women down.

It’s not silly at all that people who choose to enter into a legal contract have the rights and responsibilities of that contract, and people who don’t don’t.

Why? Virtually all unmarried couples I know who have been together for 10+ years before having a child gave the child the father’s surname. In fact I’m struggling to think of one who didn’t.

It is almost inevitable, at least for a couple of years. DH and I have always treated my career as equally important to his, but pregnancy, childbirth and having a newborn baby does cause at the very least a temporary financial hit.

Why?

she can give the child any surname she wants. It’s her choice.

if she’s happy to give the child dads surname that’s up to her. But accept that if they don’t marry, or if they divorce, she may end up with a different name to the child.

if it’s important to her to share the child’s name, then yes she should give her name.

Please do not allow the experiences of literally tens of thousands of women be lost op. Get married. It’s the only true protection you have, that and 50/50 childcare, housework and work full time if you really want to ensure you can manage the future independently.

Your mother is right.

This is a mistake and causes no end of problems at airports and hotels. Your Child should use your surname if you are unmarried.

Op will lose out on half of his pension, savings and other financial assets if she doesn’t marry. Given his career will not suffer in the same way. The financial and sometimes professional cost of having children is huge. Without factoring in any disability or health issues the child might have.

It is exhausting for the woman’s body to go through pregnancy, childbirth and then breast feeding and the total lack of sleep. Years of poor sleep quality really does impact the mother. It’s incredibly hard to work full time as well in the early years. Most mothers take a long time to bounce back fully - if they ever do. Particularly if they have multiple children.

You get married because it protects you from the unknown scenarios. It creates security and commitment, and lessens the chance of being abandoned financially especially.

Mothers are uniquely vulnerable in the early years unless they have very very deep pockets. They should be doing all they can to protect themselves.

Your parents are concerned for you and the baby's security.
Of course they are just wanting clear definitions.

A wedding clearly puts him as their Son-In-law and not just your boyfriend, for example.
You and your child have clear legal standing if you marry.

Are your parents married?
If so, it is not a surprise that they would expect your boyfriend to want to marry you before having a baby.

It's your decision. Your parents will be supportive but they are stating the obvious.

I had this from in laws- I politely told them, that we had decided that the money for an engagement ring/wedding was better spent on our child's future and that owning a house and having a child together was a much bigger commitment than a piece of paper m. They haven't brought it up since after constantly mentioning it to us and other family members previously.

I’ve never had a single issue with it nor has any of my friends or colleagues from work all of whom travel extensively and all have children with the father’s surname.

Regardless of that if there were issues surely all that giving the child the mother’s name does is transfer the problem to the father anyway.

The only person I could think of that used the mother’s surname is someone who got pregnant by a one night stand that was never going to lead to a long term relationship.

Where I live if the parents aren’t married and the child has the mother’s name it would be assumed that the father was absent and that the current partner wasn’t the child’s father.

That ‘piece of paper’ might well be the difference between a life and old age in destitution or financial security for some women but you are free to downgrade it as much as you like, assuming you must have your own house outright, and a trust fund to keep you afloat.

Not all wonen have that luxury!

You can spend your money how you wish. However, you don't need an engagement ring or a wedding to get married. You can have a modest event at a registry office, no need for a big shindig. However, it's your choice, if your preference is not to be married that's no-one else's business but yours.

It's not cynical opinions, it is being realistic. I am almost certainly a lot older than you and have therefore seen many many couples split up when they have children. Some were married and some were not. Some split after a couple of years and some after quite a long time (15 years or longer).

I have also sadly seen couples were one has suddenly become very ill or even died.

No one knows what the future holds.

Yeah but why do they? It's madness imo.

So to be very clear - we plan to get married probably after the baby arrives sometime next year as I’d like to not be massive and pregnant on my wedding day (just my personal preference) and have our little babe with us, think it’d be sweet.

partner has said he’s proposing before the birth and said to me he’s happy if it’s what I want to have a registrar wedding before the birth, but to me it feels rushed and bit unromantic.

appreciate all the comments, some are quite extreme, blimey! Bottom line is, I made the decision not him to have a baby sooner rather than later as weddings are so expensive and we’ve just bought our first home aka are skint!

partner taken on full time job (both freelance creatives) to bring in steady income and to support me whilst I’m on mat leave.

Bottom line is, I made the decision not him to have a baby sooner rather than later

I assume he had unprotected sex, so it was his decision too.

If you’re skint, you shouldn’t waste a load of money on a wedding. 25 years ago, me and DH did a £37 register off

Office wedding - never regretted

Weddings can be expensive but a marriage at a registry office is as cheap as chips in comparison. I'd have thought it would be the practical solution for someone who would chastise their parents for being too traditional?

Of course it’s not the only way to be safe and secure…but it’s interesting isn’t it that when you look at the statistics around people who do / don’t get married, marriage is still more popular amongst higher education level , higher socio-economic status women than women who reach a lower education level/ of lower socio - economic status. If all the women who choose not to marry are doing this in full knowledge of their rights and have put in wills ,financial and cohabitation agreements before they have children then most of us who push the importance of marriage would be far happier. Society is changing as more women bring bigger incomes and assets to a relationship than their partners but the vulnerability comes from being pregnant ,giving birth and raising children at the end of the day ( and all the health and career compromises and setbacks that can involve)… that’s what people need protection for . It is naive to imagine otherwise.

I do know a few women who have hardly done a days work in their life who have married men with really good jobs. It's not rocket science to see why it's important in that situation.