I divorced after 30 years. Main breadwinner- STEM, retired at senior level, so independent and prioritised my education and opportunities . On paper with higher wealth in marriage.
Exh developed mental ill 10 years into marriage and it was a mix of couldn’t and wouldn’t work, or claim benefits for last 15 years of our marriage. I divorced for emotional abuse as a result of his illness.
so yes, I had to “give” my husband a lot of money. BUT it wasn’t MY money legally, it was our joint money and assets. It was based on law of “fair settlement “ based on both our future needs. And it was fair. By god it hurt when I realised when starting divorce process, but divorce settlement has NOTHING to do with past behaviour. It is purely financial. After I figured it out, and what I’d be left with, I accepted it slowly as the result of leaving the security and benefits of thst marriage law that had also ensured our kids had legal and financial security when growing up.
would I have married those 30 years earlier if I had known that it have “cost” me fiancnailly? . Given we had kids. Yes. Because, despite working full time after maternity leave (6 months all those years ago), my pay was penalised for many years. We were dependent on his salary during that time. Without the law that would have given me fair settllement based on my future needs, I’d have been royally screwed if we’d split at that point, and without that they’d probably had more debt so less money to invest in pensions etc.
I also recognise that over 30 years of marriage our joint assets were accrued jointly. It’s not just down to who is earning what, it is about a bunch of other stuff. When he wasn’t working we moved all savings into his name so we weren’t paying tax, I moved some shares I got form company into his name to protect form future capital gains etc etc. once he no longer worked I could/ had to work bloody long hours and get promotions in my career to ensure we kept roof over our heads. He did a resoanqble anmoujt in the house, despite being ill, to keep on top of things and our teenage kids to allow me to do that, And now, some years post divorce, my pension does reflect that opportunity his illness perversely allowed me.
just becuase one partner is higher salary, it doesn’t mean it will stay that way, PARTICULARLY for women who have kids. No women can have it all, like some men do, salaries and opportunities will get hit during child rearing ages even where care is jointly split. That’s lost opportunities and unconscious bias that leads to gender pay gaps - alive and well and kicking still. It is naive to think thst women have reached equality in workplace even now, even if she prioritises her education and career. If you want to ensure that, don’t have kids. simple. And sure, yes, if you’re not having kids then less point to marriage, until you’re facing retirement and death.