Baby before marriage - parents NOT happy

[Oli16]

Me and my boyfriend are expecting our first baby and the way my parents have reacted makes me feel like I’m having a teen pregnancy (I’m 33, been with partner for 5 years who they love)

since telling them at Christmas they have been really weird about it, they say their excited but I’ve had multiple conversations with my mother who keeps asking me how “committed” my partner is and “why hasn’t he proposed to you yet” - I’m finding out their quite traditional and even though I say we have plans to get engaged / married quite soon, it’s left a very bitter feeling between us.

Its pretty common to have a baby before marriage but she says she “feels” for me which made me feel horrendous and upset.

has anyone else experienced people being dicks about having a baby before marriage?

so disappointed and I think they seem miffed too

@GeorgeMichaelsCat I think the op thought we would all say her parents were old fashioned and congratulations on your pregnancy. Maybe it’s given her an unpleasant shock to see how some people view her situation. ‘Chatting about getting engaged and my friends have had babies without getting married’ made me worry the op has rose tinted glasses.

Off topic but am I the only one who finds the living together for years and engaged for years malarky to be so unromantic, so lacking in conviction?

Personally l think it is nicer and more meaningful if there are kids involved, the very people that are the most involved in this union of two people. A young couple getting married, I generally think, what a song and dance about absolutely nothing. Always a good day out but I honestly think it is weird having a big special day to declare your love. Just do it daily, to each other. Don't have to make a show of it.

I’ve been with my ‘boyfriend’ for 15 years and we have 3 children. We’re very working class and marriage has just never been something we’ve considered high priority, we both hate being centre of attention and all our money go’s on house renovations and the kids! I know 100% if I said I want to get married he would say sure, but I just don’t have the desire! Many couples who were married and have kids the same age are divorced, we’re so, so happy and whilst you can never say never I don’t see us separating anytime soon. Although my kids do often ask us to get married 😂 YANBU OP.

I don’t understand how a couple can enter into the commitment of having a child together but only be thinking about getting married? Surely having a child should be given more consideration than getting married?

Sorry OP although I’m very liberal about most things I agree with the majority. I don’t understand people who don’t want to commit to marriage, but are happy to make the much bigger commitment of having a baby.

Cross post @Stepfordian!

Yes - this. Planning to marry should be as much a joint discussion as trying for a baby. You discuss that you both wish to get married and a rough idea of timescale.

Partner can still propose and make it special if he wishes. The only things that should be a real “surprise” are the location & perhaps your engagement ring - after 5 years you shouldn’t be waiting in limbo with a vague suggestion of a proposal “soon.”

Because you've got bastard children how terribly common. Your partner is going to get bored of you and leave you destitute. You have no glittering career and couldn't possibly cope on your own. You might have to live on the streets offering your services. Get married immediately!

I have told DD (who's only 17) that if she wants to have children with someone it's really important they get married first.

I would tell my daughter that she should prioritise her education and her career so that she is financially independent (irrespective of whether she wants children or not). Financial dependence on someone else is a precarious situation to be in, married or not.

And if you are the higher earner/have more wealth than your partner then divorce can be financially devastating - as happened to my relative who had to give her abusive ex husband a lot of money. Marriage does not automatically protect women.

Get married if you want, but make sure you understand the legal context you're entering into and be wary if you're the higher earner.

yep, but a marriage liscence is cheaper and then actually does give you a clear legal process and rights of “fair settlement “ if you do split up. You can’t predict fair settlment as is based on future needs at point of break up. No amount of legal wrangling over a non nup agreement will take care of every possibility that the law of fair settllement allows for. AND this is very reason thst many men, once kids come along and women’s salary takes a hit, do not want to marry. so they’ll hardly want to do that will they, if they deem marriage a waste of time ?

also doesn’t help with utilising tax efficiency, and no that’s not exclusive to IHT. spouses can move assets during lifetime to whoever is preferable from tax perspective at each change in their financial circumstances to minimise other taxes such as tax on interest earnt, dividends, capital gains, etc. maybe not something affects younger people, but as you get older these things start to build up. Despite recent budget pensions will also be able to be moved between spouses outside of IHT. You do know that otherwise your pension pot will now be part of your estate value for IHT now? If you own a pension and a half house and not married, it’s not going to take much for your estate to push over £500k once you get to middle age.

But yes Rock on with trying to do it at solicitors

1. isn’t true. You can name anyone as next of kin, but being NOK doesn’t mean you get to make decisions, though you will be consulted. You need LPOA for health and care and for the patient to lack capacity.

I know.its such a Mumsnet thing. Bonkers.

I also hate being centre of attention which is why we got married in a registry office with just our parents, siblings and 2 witnesses.

Also doesn't have to cost that much. Our wedding certainly didn't.

It's not compulsory to have a big showy wedding that costs a fortune

I agree with your Mum. If you don't want to get married then at least get him down to the solicitors to sign something to show he will financially support you and the child in event of a split. Marriage isn't about the romance. It is very practical. I have always told my daughter she shouldn't consider having kids with someone not willing to sign a l gal document to say he will support them both. It works both ways but is ultimately an insurance policy. You wouldn't move into a house without insurance. Why have a kid without it?

Wishing you all the best OP. There seems to be quite afew cynical opinions on here. I know alot of people who had their children before they got married and are still together. It will be impossible to change your parents' mindset and I advise that you try not to pay too much attention to it. Enjoy the new addition to your family

Cynical, business minded response!

This. Congratulations on your pregnancy op.
Marriage gives financial security or it should but how many times do we see on here divorced women who's exes won't pay child support? Marriage is no guarantee that a relationship will work.
Please don't let your parents make you regret your baby. They'll either get over it or they won't but it will be their loss if they don't.

I think the main problem is the lack rights if you are not married in the event of a breakup in the UK. Here in Aus de facto gives equal rights so it’s one less thing to worry about. I think your parents have expressed their concerns clumsily so unsurprisingly you are upset. Hopefully it is something you can all get past.

I'm sure I read a post on here not long ago where a woman was going through a divorce and she had spent all her money on solicitors and was left with fuck all because the man she married was being a complete cock and was also being difficult and not paying/dodging child maintenance, some posters are going on as if every married woman who divorces is financially stable because they got married in the first place and live happily ever after with the gains of their (now ended) marriage lol.

Op I had a similar experience in that we weren't married when I got pregnant, thought we probably would in a few years but weren't that fussed. When we told my mum (who is very religious) that I was pregnant, she immediately said 'so are you getting married?' I found this really hurtful, that she couldn't find it in herself to make the moment about me, us, the joy of the baby on the way. It made it feel that her priority was what she thought should happen, and that made me feel shit. I think some of the pps should bear that in mind when they are advising their daughters strongly to get married, there's a time and a place for those messages!

That said, I agree there are benefits to marriage and we decided to have a 'shotgun' wedding when I was 30wk as we knew we wouldn't want to do it in the early baby years and just decided to get it done. It was an occasion to please my mum and others mainly, no regrets but her pressure did make me do it sooner than I probably would have.

Is this for real? What a nasty post with despicable choice of words.
I'm surprised this post wasn't deleted

while I understand why this discussion has wandered as it has, I think an important point is being almost missed...Two adults have decided to have a child/children without being married? well that is their choice. It may or may not be a great choice but they have made it. BUT that is not the situation here....they have chatted about it a lot.....he has plans.....she is waiting for him to propose.....I mean what is going on? I suspect its the uncertainty of the OP's situation that worries the OP's Mum. Whether or not the committment is to an unmarried life or to a married life, there should be some kind of firm plan IMO before adding a child to the mix. The planning to me, does sound more like a young teenager who sees the future they want but isn't thinking about what it actually means and the path to getting there. (sorry OP)

It has got nothing to do with being traditional. It is the clear difference between right and wrong. If you take your values from modern society then it will change all the time according to the latest trends.

Ask yourself why has what your mother said to you hit a nerve? If you are so confident in your choice then it shouldn't matter right?

@Praying4Peace pretty sure the poster was being sarcastic.