Baby before marriage - parents NOT happy

[Oli16]

Me and my boyfriend are expecting our first baby and the way my parents have reacted makes me feel like I’m having a teen pregnancy (I’m 33, been with partner for 5 years who they love)

since telling them at Christmas they have been really weird about it, they say their excited but I’ve had multiple conversations with my mother who keeps asking me how “committed” my partner is and “why hasn’t he proposed to you yet” - I’m finding out their quite traditional and even though I say we have plans to get engaged / married quite soon, it’s left a very bitter feeling between us.

Its pretty common to have a baby before marriage but she says she “feels” for me which made me feel horrendous and upset.

has anyone else experienced people being dicks about having a baby before marriage?

so disappointed and I think they seem miffed too

Plans to propose! What plans need to be made to say "Will you marry me"?

5 years together, a house and now a baby on the way. What is he waiting for?

It’s a bit Jeremy Kyle to have your kids at your own wedding IMO. Not keen on 6 year old boys being their Dad’s ‘best man’ and daughter’s being bridesmaids. Just seems all the wrong way round. Doing marriage then children is a far better foundation for a stable upbringing.

Yes I know it’s 2025, I know we’re not in Victorian times. I was born in the 80s not the 40s FYI.

Well it's Martin Lewis's article, and finance is his area of expertise.

To be honest OP I hope you really have had deep discussions about finances so you know where you stand before embarking on a maternity leave. All too often women are expected to contribute 50% of the household bills whilst earning nothing. Make sure you really do protect yourself.
Your mum and dad will be worried about you.

I've been to weddings of close friends in the last few years who had their young kids at the wedding and it was beautiful! The kids still speak of their parents' wedding now and take such pride in the roles they played. All pretty well off and middle class, not Jeremy Kyle vibe at all 🤣🤣

Tacky is the word I would use

Op, load of people have babies before marriage it's not 1920s. I've been with partner 22 years 2 kids. Most people's marriages don't last that long so it's not a lack of commitment the house is jointly owned. Legally though we are better to be married, it's silly in this day and age they someone can be married for a few days and have more rights than us who have been together over 20 years. We may get married just for legalitys at some point but op you have plenty of time for that. Don't allow other peoples negative and backwards attitudes spoil your pregnancy!

Don’t be ridiculous! Not everyone gets married nowadays

@Elmatheele sorry to read that, I hope you can get back on your feet.

I hope your marriage doesn't split up and you choose to marry again. You can't be too confident. I mean you're only in the 30's 😁.

Sweet, but I think what a song and dance for a couple that have been shacked up for years and have a few kids already. It’s not the same as attending a wedding of a couple that are yet to embark on building a family together and have all that in front of them.

Well hopefully she has plenty of time but nobody knows what the future holds do they?

If a couple want to get married why do they take so bloody long to do so?

If your were to split now you would get 50% of the house but if you were married and divorced and you were the primary carer for your child then you and therefore your child would be getting more. Marriage doesn’t just protect you, it protects your child.

I hope it doesn’t too. I wouldn’t marry again. How mortifying. That’s the whole point in marriage. It’s for life. Going well so far though, so fingers crossed we’ll be fine.

Interesting OP has not addressed any of the issues raised that are pertinent.

He must like rude women who are full of themselves.

You're only in your 30's. Plenty of time for him to get fed up of you.

The answer is to not give up your career and make yourself dependent on a man. Not to get married willy nilly.

I earn more and have more assets than any man I have ever dated. I'll be damned if I risk that by getting married without a prenuptial agreement / in a country where pre-nuptial agreements aren't enforceable.

I can't really think of many people in my agr group in social circle who got married before having kids, or have gotten married at all. Yea, you need to know what you're getting into. But it is not as big of a nightmare as people are commenting. You just need to he smart about it and keep financial independence.

Another one here who is raining on your parade I'm afraid! Your mother is right to question his commitment. Proposing is a lot quicker, easier and straightforward than purchasing a house, so why hasn't he done it yet?

Have you discussed technicalities of when you're on mat leave? Will you get full pay from your work? Or will you be on statutory? Will he be paying all of your missed pension contributions whilst you're not working, and topping them up if you then go on to part-time work? Will he be covering ALL household expenses during your one year of maternity leave? Or will he be expecting you to use your savings to pay your 50% share? Have you discussed expectations and roles you envisage you both have once you're parents?

I'd certainly be cautious in your shoes. You have no financial protection here, and even though you own the house together, you may still have to pay IHT on it if he were to die and you're not married.

Getting married should be a priority before having children, it's not modern or trendy to have children first, it's financially unwise for a woman.

My sister was in your position, with her boyfriend for years, 33years old, she got pregnant, they split up during her pregnancy and she was quite frankly fucked. She was left homeless and had to go stay with relatives for two years. Took her years to get a new job in her field. All the while, he's knocked off another kid with another woman, living the life of riley as a single bloke.

I have told DD (who's only 17) that if she wants to have children with someone it's really important they get married first. While plenty of people do it, as a women it can leave you in finical difficulty if the man should leave. This is probably more important if you are the lower earner, which unfortunately is often the case for women.

There are so many threads on here where the op isn't married, has kids, has no name of the property they live in and would be left with nothing appart from maybe child maintenance. It's unfortunately still the only league way to protect yourself.

The stats I’m sure are there are more babies being born to unmarried couples than married now days. Along with more older mum than teenagers.

Theres nothing wrong with not being married, sorry your mum is putting a damper on this.

However you are protected more if married if anything would happen in the future. If you were talking about marriage I would be tempted to get legally married (and not really tell anyone) then have a ceremony in a few years if you want a party.

Or you are perfectly within your rights to get married if you aren’t fussed. It’s your life do what you want.

Sorry, I wasn't clear!
I meant that the 'right-on' people are 'right off the mark', not you.
I was agreeing with your point.

That's good in your situation, but frustratingly, so many women make this critical mistake!!

This with bells on!

Ask them, maybe it's finances? I don't really see the point in being engaged for years myself. Plenty of people don't want to get married but then you don't get engaged.