Baby before marriage - parents NOT happy

[Oli16]

Me and my boyfriend are expecting our first baby and the way my parents have reacted makes me feel like I’m having a teen pregnancy (I’m 33, been with partner for 5 years who they love)

since telling them at Christmas they have been really weird about it, they say their excited but I’ve had multiple conversations with my mother who keeps asking me how “committed” my partner is and “why hasn’t he proposed to you yet” - I’m finding out their quite traditional and even though I say we have plans to get engaged / married quite soon, it’s left a very bitter feeling between us.

Its pretty common to have a baby before marriage but she says she “feels” for me which made me feel horrendous and upset.

has anyone else experienced people being dicks about having a baby before marriage?

so disappointed and I think they seem miffed too

Your parents are right and you are making a very common mistake. Don’t live with a man until you are married unless you have significantly more equity (not the same amount, you need a lot more if you are going to have children). Don’t get pregnant when you aren’t married.

He has already your best years from his point of view (younger is always always better from the simple male perspective) he will have a homelife while giving the minimum. There really is nothing other than fingers crossed he hangs around in your future. If he fancies a newer shinier model he has no real (for example financial) incentive to stay put.

He has shown no real commitment to you. The great romance is already a bit old. What if post baby he puts the loosey goosey talk of maybe marrying on the long finger. You are tired and less glamorous and fun now you have nights up with the baby. Maybe there is less sex because you are tired. Suddenly he thinks marriage is not important, maybe it’s against his principles all of a sudden. What if he goes off with someone else. Imagine being 43 with a young child, career has taken a step back, less money and less appeal to the next gentleman. Oh hang on that’s most daft women nowadays.

Unless you have a sure fire inheritance or a lot of money in shares, get married before you have the baby. Seriously. Cop yourself on. Best of luck.

I have three DC and have never lost out on income compared to their father

Presumably then:

• your dc do not have disabilities which requires one of you to be a SAHP
• your chosen career is not the kind that suffers from time away from it
• you have a dh who does half of the kids and house stuff
• you yourself didn't become unwell (PPD or physically) following the births

All of the above can (and do) happen without any indication. So its fantastic it worked out for you, and it does for most. But any of the above issues could arise for the OP and being unmarried will then make everything harder.

Why, embarrassed? I'm almost 40, have been with my DP for 15 y and we have 2 kids, we're not married. Why should I be embarrassed, please?

She’s absolutely correct to be concerned about you being left in a financially bad place if this relationship founders.

If he was really committed to your future financial stability he’d agree to get married.

Tell me you don't understand the legal protection marriage gives you without telling me you don't understand the legal protection marriage gives you. 🙄

Of course a man can leave if you are married, and yes some men will manage to hide money, avoid CMS, whatever. But, for a woman who takes a career break or stops working to raise a family, being married is the easiest way to give herself far greater rights in the event the relationship breaks down. As has previously been described on this thread, marriage before children also reduces the likelihood of the relationship breaking down in the first place.

It sounds like they’re worried for your security OP, although that doesn’t excuse them raining on your lovely news.

Was the baby planned if you don’t mind me asking? I wonder if they were simply expecting marriage first if things were going well with DP and this news has been a bit of a shock for them and they’re questioning his commitment as a result.

already been answered

Embarrassment requires a perception of how you're perceived by others ...

Spot on, @PointsSouth, but then going by the majority of the responses on here it probably wouldn't be unreasonable to suppose that others may think the choice unwise

However that doesn't have to matter and OP can do exactly as she pleases, though it'll also mean accepting the marriage she clearly wants may never happen

I would advise any woman to get married before having a baby, unless she's the higher earner and plans to go back to work full time after the babu is born. My husband and I didn't have wildly different salaries before kids. He would also describe himself as a feminist and very much did his fair share around the house etc. Even so, when you have children, you'll probably find that, even if you try hard to avoid it, you end up falling into gender norms, to some extent. Maternity leave, part time working to fit around the baby because he earns more so it makes more sense for him to work full time, then you have another baby - his career is unaffected because he's been able to work full time. He gets promoted, the wage gap increases. Your career stagnates - your priorities change, you're exhausted. It happens all too easily. And then you've put yourself in a really vulnerable position if he dies, or decides to leave you. I don't want to paint a glum picture - having kids is great, but it changes everything and you need to protect yourself. After kids, you'll always need the money for something else, it will seem frivolous to spent it on a wedding, so it just won't happen. It's not a case of traditional values - your partner should be showing his commitment to the future mother of his child and should want to give you that financial protection too.

I have three DC and have never lost out on income compared to their father, other than when I was on mat leave, for which I saved.

Shouldn't that be 'for which we saved'?

Harsh but spot on.

The only time it’s good for a woman Not to marry is if she is significantly better off than her partner and owns a property outright.

If this has happened to you, it sounds tough. My response is:

• Why can’t both parents share childcare, whether their child/ren is disabled or not? All the more reason, as being a full-time carer without respite is tough.

• Why would you have time away from your career if you share childcare 50/50?

• Why would you choose a partner who expects you to take responsibility for housework when, if they lived alone, they’d have to do it themselves?

• If you’re in paid work and are unwell, you take time off and (unless in an exploitative zero hours job) you get sick leave/pay. If you’re in unpaid work in the home and are unwell, where’s the sick leave from caring for children?

Thanks for this thread. I hate weddings so not married but this thread reminds me i better get my arse in gear and do the paperwork!

[turns to DP]: "Hey MN reminds me we need to get married!"

My biggest regret is naming my children after my partner - who still refuses to marry me -

if he wants them to have his name last - married you must be (It gives you protections) (he can 'double barrel' with his as a middle as a compromise if you feel inclined

To be honest I'm with your parents

Oh bore off back to 1950. It’s embarrassing that a grown adult can’t spell the word embarrassing

@KatyaKabanova One wonders why she doesn't do the proposing.
If he says yes - brilliant.
If he says no - then she learns something.

I have been with DP for 15 years with DC and not married. Don't feel embarrassed in the slightest.

So long as you have your own good income and will go back to work so that you do not lose out on any pay all is good.
So let s assume you have great mat pay of say six months full pay and you will go back to work losing nothing and you will share costs of childcare equally then all is good
If you start having unpaid leave or paying from your savings from your mat leave or losing out on pension contributions then think Again

I am deeply unromantic and not a traditional type at all...but, I personally wouldn't have a baby with someone unless I was married (if I could help it). Don't bother waiting for a proposal etc etc unless that's really important to you. I'd just do the legal bit for the protection it offers all of you if anything goes wrong. Obviously it isn't foolproof and things can still go wrong, but it's relatively easy to do. I don't really get why you wouldn't unless maybe you have a tonne of property and assets you want to protect maybe.

I got married when we were both pretty broke, so this wasn't an issue for either of us

I'm not a fan of marriage at all but would get married if I had kids with someone, for legal reasons. After all a baby is a much bigger commitment than a marriage. A marriage can end but your shared involvement in another person's life does not.

But it sounds like that is the plan.

Should be, yes.

But I’m fiercely independent and always insist on paying my share.

TBF, most of my mat leave for the younger two was paid, as entitlements had improved. IMHO, women should get full pay/generous statutory mat pay for at least the first year. That way, if in a couple, they can carry on paying their half and, if alone, they can pay all.

Your mother is right. A new baby can be a very volatile mix in a relationship, and by not being married you are very vulnerable, with few rights.

A quick ( and cheap) civil partnership would sort it out if you don’t want the whole getting married thing.

https://www.dailymail.co.uk/femail/article-14333177/Martin-Lewis-reveals-nine-huge-financial-benefits-getting-married.html

No surprise that’s in the Fail. Always take a dim view of unmarried mothers. Can’t have women expecting to be free of the kitchen sink.

I had children after 10 years and was unmarried. Ex partner had an affair and left and I was left so financially vulnerable. I was entitled to nothing. I strongly advise getting married or keeping your career and independence.

i should add I never ever expected to be single parent. I thought we had a strong relationship. Regardless I thought that I knew this man so well that he would never financially make life hell.