Boy/ girl - why do people care so much?

[pinkwaffles]

We've decided not to find out the sex of our baby until s/he is born. It's our first and probably only.

I appreciate I'm probably in the minority but I have been fascinated by people's reactions to this.

'How will you be able to buy anything?' being a big one.

'You won't be able to have a gender reveal!' being another.

Honestly - I don't believe in gender reveals or pink for girls/ blue for boys anyway - but even if I did - there are other colours!

I don't think my newborn is really going to care whether they are dressed in 'gender appropriate' clothes, and I'm certainly not fussed, in fact I'd rather they weren't.

It's just winding me up partly because my mum is desperate to know and is pressuring us to change our minds.

What do you think? To me it's kind of the least important thing - as long as I have a healthy baby, I'm genuinely happy and I cannot relate to the 'which would you prefer?' question. How can you have a preference before they are even here and you can't possibly know who they are going to be?

Having a baby is a surprise enough, I wanted to find out to help break up the wait of 40weeks. I was so happy to have girls and will not be made to feel that that’s awful by the superior waiting brigade- each to their own.

I completely disagree. I had a very strong preference for girls. Had our first been a boy I wouldn’t have had a second as I wouldn’t have wanted to risk having two boys. Thankfully I was lucky and had two girls.

Whatever sex I was having, though, I wanted the right colours (pink for a girl, blue for a boy) and yes we did do a reveal party, so it was incredibly important we found out the sex.

You can be as sanctimonious and as faux with the oh I just don’t understand as you want, but love, this is your first baby and you have a long way to go 😅

I didn’t find out with either of my DC. Loved the surprise and listening to old wives tales, myths and people’s guesses. A few seemed annoyed we hadn’t found out as if we had massively inconvenienced them. But it’s not up to them anyway.

We enjoyed a few days deciding on names rather than the naming of baby before they arrived too.

You can get plenty of gender neutral stuff. We bought a few sets of white and gender neutral outfits to last the first few days. We were then inundated with pink.

What’s so awful about 2 boys can you please explain ? Since you don’t have any sons how do you know ? You sound extremely judgemental and don’t sound mature enough to have children. As my last pregnancy was a missed miscarriage I was delighted regardless of sex.glad you enjoyed your “reveal party” though. How sad

As my last pregnancy was a missed miscarriage I was delighted regardless of sex

I conceive easily, I have never experienced the sadness of a miscarriage.

So am I ‘allowed’ to want a particular sex?

We found out but didn't tell anyone and asked for a lot of yellow and grey.

I had an IVF pregnancy which is invasive enough but both my outgoing and new employer knew (lots of apts). And as the new employer let me delay my start by a week for the transfer, and then Covid had not yet closed the office down they asked me where I stood so they could send me home to shield (literally two days after I found out I was pregnant).

So back to your point, I just wanted something for me. My OH when given the choice agreed to know too.

You can get plenty of gender neutral stuff. We bought a few sets of white and gender neutral outfits to last the first few days

This is true for newborns but beyond that it’s hard.

This. Strange post, I can understand a bit of a preference is fine and normal but feeling so strongly about having one sex and one sex ONLY is bizarre. A close family member had a much-wanted and loved baby boy last year who was sadly stillborn, so posts like this sit really badly with me.

I think making a statement like “I didn’t want to risk having 2 boys” is absolutely disgusting regardless of how infertile or fertile someone is.

I can understand why people want to find out, to get organised etc. I can’t understand when they have a preference (unless they have a genetic condition affecting boys/girls they are concerned about). I have been ttc for 3.5 years and I would just be happy for a boy or girl !!!

Well exactly. It’s either an acceptable statement or it isn’t. I hate it when people say things like ‘well I had IVF and a miscarriage so I didn’t care what I had.’

Plenty of people who have struggled to conceive still have a preference and those of us who conceived easily don’t just discard one sex or another as a mere afterthought.

@mistyfields just making the point that not everyone can have a healthy pregnancy and it’s important for people to remember that when making statements about badly wanting one sex or another. And yes, ivf and a miscarriage did make me incredibly grateful when I eventually did get pregnant. It puts things into perspective. I’ve been on both sides of story as my first child I got pregnant first try. So I have experience conceiving easily and infertility

I agree it really doesn’t matter. We didn’t find out with our first, we didn’t want to find out with our 2nd but the sonographer accidentally let it slip. The sex of the baby was the absolutely least important thing for me, I don’t think it matters at all. Your relationship with your child is what you make of it, their genitalia has nothing to do with that.

I also think gender reveal parties are one of the silliest things to ever be invented. I really believe that nobody there other than the parents actually gives a shit.

My 2 are in their late 20's and , at the the time, our hospital wouldn't hazard a guess on the sex as they'd got it wrong a few times and people were annoyed.
I didn't care, there were no gender reveals or anything.
I've got a son and a daughter, but I wouldn't have cared if I'd had 2 boys or 2 girls.
I'm glad I didn't have that pressure back then.

I found out with my first as I didn't want loads of beige gender neutral clothes although im not into all pink or all blue either. And we struggled for names so wanted to make sure we agreed on a name before the baby was born. With this one we will find out as again hard to agree on names and I want to know in advance if I'll be reusing my daughters clothes or if I can sell them and go shopping for new boys clothes. I've had a family member and friend already ask if I'm doing a gender reveal and my response was we will find out what the sex is but I'm not into the reveal parties, they are too over the top!

@mistyfields i have read over your points and they don’t even make sense to be honest. Maybe if you did have some experience like me you would understand. I hope you never do though, wouldn’t wish it on anyone. I’m glad for you that you have the luxury of being so flippant about it.

I’m not being flippant at all, I’m very sympathetic. It must be horrible. But previous miscarriages or losses do not mean that you love your child any more than those of us who conceived without any difficulty do.

It is not the case that those who conceive without any problems are able to be ‘picky’ about the sex they want any more than those who have problems with conception are just grateful for whatever they have.

Plenty of people who have enormous difficulties conceiving a child still have a preference, sometimes a strong one. The ‘you should be grateful for whatever you get’ narrative can be quite a damaging one. Much better to look at why people have those preferences and try to work around it.

@mistyfields sorry but you are totally missing the point. I never once suggested I love my child more than anyone else. My first child was conceived easily. I don’t love the child inside me more than my first child because this one took years to conceive? I don’t know what your point is exactly.

My point is a valid one. People should be grateful for a healthy pregnancy. when you find out your baby has no heartbeat all thoughts of the babies sex go out the window.

@mistyfields I actually think your thought processes are very unusual , that you would jump to conclusions that I think I love my child more than others because I stated a had a missed miscarriage. It’s not about you ,or anyone else who didn’t struggle to conceive .

I don't actually care but parents-to-be generally expect me to feign some sort of interest and asking if they know what they're having ticks that box. Better than asking how's the morning sickness and haemorrhoids I suppose.

We didn’t find out with our DT’s - wasn’t important. I bought mixed colour packs of babygros. (Didn’t put them in ‘proper’ clothes until they were about nine months).
DT’s - a boy and girl wore whichever babygro I picked up first. Some days DS wore pink or yellow and DD blue and red - amazing it hasn’t affected them so can’t understand why people say they want to know so they can buy the ‘right colour’ colours.
It would be better if no one could find out

So there’s not a running theme on here that if you’ve had previous losses or if you’ve struggled with conceiving a child at all then you should just be grateful for any child, boy or girl?

So then where does that leave those who didn’t struggle and haven’t had previous losses? That’s what I’m asking.

Adoption agencies (domestic and international) note there is a preference of some 75/80% towards girls, and since many / most people will come to adoption because of fertility problems, it does leave a bit of a problem because those who struggle to conceive do have preferences but aren’t really allowed to voice those because the prevailing view is ‘shut up and be damn grateful.’

I don't understand why people don't find out when they say they aren't interested in the baby's sex. I found out because it was another piece of information to have about the baby. It wasn't to be prepared or have the right colour or whatever, it was just because the obstetrician was telling me everything else and I was very interested in it all. It always baffles me when people go out of their way to not know something and then claim to have neutral feelings towards it. I always liked to have all the information that it was possible to have in advance because it was all very cool and intriguing. Most people who don't find out say that they want to have a surprise at the end, but actually they seem to be the ones putting all the emphasis on the importance of the sex of their baby by withholding the information from themselves until this already very dramatic moment. Everyone is different and there's no right or wrong, but there is something of a narrative that people who find out the sex in advance, place some kind of extreme value on whether it will be a girl or boy when often it's the opposite. It's just another piece of interesting data about a baby you already have very little information about.

Grew up with a single mum, one sister, no brothers, all girls school and my child has 2 lesbian mums. Not that I was so much anti boy but was slightly worried about whether I would do a good job raising him with basically no experience. Luckily we had a daughter!