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Pregnancy

Talk about every stage of pregnancy, from early symptoms to preparing for birth.

Fiance is angry and playing blame game

105 replies

Mandyadj89 · 12/12/2024 18:46

For some, you will read this and say, wow! What a crap man and others may not but here we go.... Fiance and I have been together 5 years...... In these 5 years I have had 4 medical abortions all due to his choice and me being so sad about it. I was on birth control but we stopped taking it about 2 years ago as it was giving me massive head aches and a whole lot of pregnancy symptoms. At that time we discussed other options. I kept telling him if he does not want another baby ever, why not get snipped. He refuses.... This has led me to take endless amounts of plan B pills. Ive taken 12 plan Bs in the last 12 months...... The last medical abortion I was so angry with him and told him this will be the LAST TIME I put myself through this..... Well here we are. I actually took a plan B pill during ovulation week but I think we may have taken it after ovulation had passed thats the onlyyyyyyy thing I can think of as to why it would have failed.... Im now what the Dr. would consider 5 and a half weeks pregnant. The second I thought I was late, I told him I think we may need a test and why... He didnt mention anything else for over a week. Now that he knows for sure that I am pregnant my Fiance has not spoken to me in over 24 hours. He keeps telling me he is done with me, Im a manipulator, im trapping him and soooo much more. I feel hes had many chances to protect himself and still chooses not to pull out and depends on a plan B to save his ass. 4 times I gave him his way. This isnt right! I dont feel I should abort again. I need help, reassurance, in all, Im not sure what I need other than to not feel neglected, lied to about love, and alone at the moment. Is anyone right in this situation? His only child is about to be 7 and she is autistic. I think his anger may fuel from fear that this baby may too have autism. I look at it as something in this world wants his daughter to have a younger sibling to watch over her once we are gone from this world. Why cant he see the positive?

OP posts:
Shouldbedoing · 12/12/2024 18:49

He's abusive.
Leave him.
Whether you want to be tied to him for 18+ years by his baby, or could cope with another termination is for you to decide.
He's cruel and ignorant.

Arlanymor · 12/12/2024 18:51

You're both not making good decisions are you? You have every right not to be on the pill, but there are MANY other options now for birth control - condoms, coil, implant... I fail to see how after the first abortion you didn't change your whole way of thinking around this really important topic. I have had one abortion in my life for actual medical reasons (i.e. the health of the baby - it was tragic and awful) and it was enough for me, I NEVER EVER want to go through that again. I broke up with my partner because of how he behaved at the time - we have a tentative friendship now, but I would never date him again. I fail to see why you would keep putting yourself through this? It's nuts. Remove the fiancé from the whole equation for a second... why are you not being more sensible and careful?

PotteringAlonggotkickedoutandhadtoreregister · 12/12/2024 18:53

Leave him.
look at long term contraceptives.

79pinkballoons · 12/12/2024 18:55

Get rid of the awful man. Stop having unprotected sex. Make better decisions.

Bananalanacake · 12/12/2024 19:00

Why can't he use condoms? don't marry him, though you would be better off to dump him as he's very selfish, controlling.

Mandyadj89 · 12/12/2024 19:00

I would love to try and IUD but have been advised not to by the Dr. as I have pelvic inflammatory disease. Which is why I suggested to him to be fixed. I feel I try to be sure this does not happen but sometimes things fail and life happens.

OP posts:
Mandyadj89 · 12/12/2024 19:02

As for condoms those too have been a suggestion, I have even purchased them.... He says what most "boys" do....... it takes away the feeling blah blah blah. I feel I am the only one that has to be "safe" and when things happen Im the bad guy... EVERY time.

OP posts:
eacapade1982 · 12/12/2024 19:02

Why don’t you use condoms?? The morning after pill shouldn’t be used as a contraceptive, it’s probably not good to keep taking that every month. His lack of responsibility would be a deal breaker for me.

Pashazade · 12/12/2024 19:03

The moment he refused a condom after coercing you into a medical abortion I would have been done. Leave now. He's an awful human being. You need to put yourself first.

Goody2ShoesAndTheFilthyBeast · 12/12/2024 19:04

Do you want to stay with him?

AgnesX · 12/12/2024 19:06

Four abortions, all his choice? Why are you still with this man? I'm surprised you have any feelings left for him.

Arlanymor · 12/12/2024 19:08

Thanks @Mandyadj89 for your cross message in my inbox. I responded. Although you need to consider the fact that everyone on this thread so far is of the same mind as me. If you feel the need to shoot the messenger so be it, but everyone on this thread is in agreement and I said in my message back to you - why are you with him?

TheSilkWorm · 12/12/2024 19:11

God almighty, he's an absolute arsehole. Please don't marry him, leave him, have the baby and get some therapy.

HolidayHattie · 12/12/2024 19:14

You've been together five years and his daughter is six, so he left his ex when his daughter was just a baby. I suspect he will leave you also, if you have it, so are you prepared to be a single parent? Do you have a good support network?

Did you have a good, stable family life growing up? It sounds as if you don't really know what a stable, loving relationship should look like. A man who doesn't want more children but refuses to take any responsibility for contraception is not a man to continue having sex with.

Bananalanacake · 12/12/2024 19:16

He must be unbelievably stupid to not realise how babies are made, so he's blaming you for being a manipulator and trapping him! If he used condoms all the time you wouldn't have needed abortions and plan Bs every month.

Purplecatshopaholic · 12/12/2024 19:17

Jesus Christ op, four abortions? All his choice? Are you actually ok? Stop putting yourself through this - he is selfish and unpleasant. Have this baby if that’s what you want. Dont, if that’s what you want. But for goodness sake get out of this abusive relationship and stop having terminations.

McNicey · 12/12/2024 19:18

You haven't grasped just how awful this relationship is. Calling him fiance doesn't lessen the fact that he is revolting and you are passively letting him control you by having multiple abortions.

Stop having sex with this terrible man. Find your self respect and leave him.

Mandyadj89 · 12/12/2024 19:19

Its hard to leave, we own a business and 3 rentals together. If I leave I go back to the other cost 2 and a half hours away and basically am the only one giving anything up. Its not fare. I DO love him but this has indeed pulled us apart for some time each time it has happened. I just hope me standing my ground this time, that he eventually comes around. We are a great couple when it comes to getting things done. pregnancy is the only issue we tend to have and as I said, enough is enough I put my foot down and he can get rid of me if thats what he needs to do. Its just so sad to see a successful grown man act like such a child. It does make me see him in a diff way %100. My childhood was not the greatest and I do have abandonment issues so that does tend to make leaving hard to initiate but once I build the courage I dont look back. I do not blame my childhood for anything so dont take that the wrong way as I am an adult but it does effect coping skills and fight or flight feelings.

OP posts:
AuContraire · 12/12/2024 19:19

Oh for goodness sake, take a bit of responsibility for yourself.

He's an absolute horror but when you do what you've done this many times, then the fault becomes yours.

Have the baby, or don't, up to you, but either way: take some responsibility and get a modicum of self respect.

Your relationship is a tragic shitshow between two ridiculous people and absolutely no baby or child deserves to be lumbered with being subjected to it.

EllieRosesMammy · 12/12/2024 19:22

How old are you both? This is reading like it was wrote by someone who's about 18...

You came off contraception because it was "giving you headaches" but didn't ask your doctor about any other form of contraceptive?

Nor did you think to track your cycle, use the pullout method, make him wear a condom etc?

12 MAP and 4 medical abortions... Surely this is a wind up?

AnarchismUK · 12/12/2024 19:23

You have agency in this shitshow. WTF are either of you thinking?

YellowHatt · 12/12/2024 19:23

I look at it as something in this world wants his daughter to have a younger sibling to watch over her once we are gone from this world.

This is a terrible reason to have a baby! Your baby may have needs of their own, or may not get on with the sibling, or even if they do may not want to care for them.

Mandyadj89 · 12/12/2024 19:23

@Arlanymor the message was not intentional I didnt see a reply button and this i my 1st time here no need for you to word it as you are. As if I was coming for you. I now see everyone just types under. Same as the message I sent you. Things are easy to assume when you do not know the whole story just as simple as with me direct messaging you. This is all here for open conversation. im looking for support not for you to pick apart and poke

OP posts:
YellowHatt · 12/12/2024 19:24

Seriously Op, get help. Do the freedom programme, get therapy, anything.

YourWildAmberSloth · 12/12/2024 19:26

I'm sorry but you are not a great couple - nothing about this says 'great', You need to take responsibility for your body, if you absolutely do not want children, have you considered surgery yourself? Either way, the choices you are making are ridiculous - unprotected sex and then shock/horror at falling pregnant. And tbf it's really sad to see a grown man and grown woman acting like children.