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Original poster

Fiance is angry and playing blame game

105 replies

Mandyadj89 · 12/12/2024 18:46

For some, you will read this and say, wow! What a crap man and others may not but here we go.... Fiance and I have been together 5 years...... In these 5 years I have had 4 medical abortions all due to his choice and me being so sad about it. I was on birth control but we stopped taking it about 2 years ago as it was giving me massive head aches and a whole lot of pregnancy symptoms. At that time we discussed other options. I kept telling him if he does not want another baby ever, why not get snipped. He refuses.... This has led me to take endless amounts of plan B pills. Ive taken 12 plan Bs in the last 12 months...... The last medical abortion I was so angry with him and told him this will be the LAST TIME I put myself through this..... Well here we are. I actually took a plan B pill during ovulation week but I think we may have taken it after ovulation had passed thats the onlyyyyyyy thing I can think of as to why it would have failed.... Im now what the Dr. would consider 5 and a half weeks pregnant. The second I thought I was late, I told him I think we may need a test and why... He didnt mention anything else for over a week. Now that he knows for sure that I am pregnant my Fiance has not spoken to me in over 24 hours. He keeps telling me he is done with me, Im a manipulator, im trapping him and soooo much more. I feel hes had many chances to protect himself and still chooses not to pull out and depends on a plan B to save his ass. 4 times I gave him his way. This isnt right! I dont feel I should abort again. I need help, reassurance, in all, Im not sure what I need other than to not feel neglected, lied to about love, and alone at the moment. Is anyone right in this situation? His only child is about to be 7 and she is autistic. I think his anger may fuel from fear that this baby may too have autism. I look at it as something in this world wants his daughter to have a younger sibling to watch over her once we are gone from this world. Why cant he see the positive?

OP posts:
Arlanymor · 12/12/2024 19:27

Mandyadj89 · 12/12/2024 19:23

@Arlanymor the message was not intentional I didnt see a reply button and this i my 1st time here no need for you to word it as you are. As if I was coming for you. I now see everyone just types under. Same as the message I sent you. Things are easy to assume when you do not know the whole story just as simple as with me direct messaging you. This is all here for open conversation. im looking for support not for you to pick apart and poke

It was undeniably rude. I wasn't rude to you. If you don't give people the full story and ask them to comment on the bits that you do share then how is that our fault? I'm not picking you apart and believe it or not I am trying to understand, but equally I don't support your attitude towards family planning. I can't imagine that a soul on here does. Please listen to us, we are trying to help.

NameChanges123 · 12/12/2024 19:31

AuContraire · 12/12/2024 19:19

Oh for goodness sake, take a bit of responsibility for yourself.

He's an absolute horror but when you do what you've done this many times, then the fault becomes yours.

Have the baby, or don't, up to you, but either way: take some responsibility and get a modicum of self respect.

Your relationship is a tragic shitshow between two ridiculous people and absolutely no baby or child deserves to be lumbered with being subjected to it.

Totally this. Why are you putting all the blame on him? You're BOTH responsible!

HazelLion · 12/12/2024 19:32

The rest of this messy situation aside, what do you mean you have pelvic inflammatory disease? Have you not had treatment for it...? It's often caused by STIs, has your partner passed STIs to you?

mathanxiety · 12/12/2024 19:33

Mandyadj89 · 12/12/2024 19:02

As for condoms those too have been a suggestion, I have even purchased them.... He says what most "boys" do....... it takes away the feeling blah blah blah. I feel I am the only one that has to be "safe" and when things happen Im the bad guy... EVERY time.

Omg, leave this "man".

Leave and never look back.

What he's putting you through because of his own selfishness is horrific. It's barbaric.

TallNeckedGiraffe · 12/12/2024 19:35

We are a great couple when it comes to getting things done.

No. You are not a great couple by any stretch of the imagination. He’s dreadful.

RedHelenB · 12/12/2024 19:36

If his child is autistic, there's a greater chance this baby could be too.

Ityyyy · 12/12/2024 19:40

OP I agree you need to take responsibility here too. Why are you letting this man near you without contraception on after you know he’s going to push for another abortion?

I had a termination when I was younger after coming off the pill and not being very safe and I’ve made damn sure I have other methods available now because that was the most traumatic thing I’ve ever been through. That cannot be good for your mental health.

Plan B is brutal on your body also and shouldn’t be used as a contraception. I agree with everyone you should leave him but if you’re not going to do that then surely you should stand firm on the fact he doesn’t come near you unless he’s wrapped up. Are you hoping he’ll change his mind?

LifeisNOTlikeemmerdalefarm · 12/12/2024 19:41

4 medical abortions.
Either you are so desperate for a man or can't see that he is abusive.

Take a step back and think what you would say if this was your daughter.
Ltb now.

SErunner · 12/12/2024 19:53

Stay with him if you want but please for the love of god stop getting pregnant. You have some responsibility to manage this better too, it's not all on him. You are also choosing to have unprotected sex despite knowing he doesn't want a child. The NHS really doesn't need idiotic, childish behaviour like this wasting precious resources.

Mrsm010918 · 12/12/2024 20:00

In the kindest way...wtf have I just read?

You need to leave him, for your physical health. Repeatedly having abortions is not good for your body. Plan B every month is not good for your body. These are not methods of contraception.

He is vile to expect this of you all the time while he sits back and does nothing to protect you from getting pregnant.

You don't have to uproot your life. You sell the business/ offer for him to buy you out, you take the money and apply for any additional support you may be entitled to, and you get somewhere new to live.

Gem359 · 12/12/2024 20:00

OP you say you didn't have a good childhood and that has clearly affected your understanding of what is normal and acceptable in a relationship. You seem to have very poor boundaries and low self esteem. I really don't think you're in the right place to be having a child. There may be up to a 1 in 5 chance that the child could also have ASD as he already has one with ASD. Whatever the case though a child should never be made to feel in anyway responsible for their siblings.

I think you need to end this pregnancy and figure out how to leave this relationship. This is not a man you want to tie yourself to. This is all so dysfunctional and would be really unfair to bring a child in to.

ilikeeggs · 12/12/2024 20:04

He sounds awful but I don’t understand why you also carry on having unprotected sex knowing that eventually it’s going to result in pregnancy and you’ll have to have another abortion.

Tubetrain · 12/12/2024 20:07

Typo in your post - surely you mean ex-fiancee.............

Turniptracker · 12/12/2024 20:08

Is this actually real or has it just been written to trigger people? Because a man doesn't like the feel of a condom during sex you've had 4 abortions and taken 12 morning after pills?! Seriously? Why don't you just stop having sex? I think at this point that would be the best method of contraception for you both.
Honestly this is such an incredibly fucked up situation, he is abhorrent and you are being an absolute fool to want to marry someone so incredibly self absorbed and loathsome.
This may be one of the worst threads I've read on here.

Gingernaut · 12/12/2024 20:09

AuContraire · 12/12/2024 19:19

Oh for goodness sake, take a bit of responsibility for yourself.

He's an absolute horror but when you do what you've done this many times, then the fault becomes yours.

Have the baby, or don't, up to you, but either way: take some responsibility and get a modicum of self respect.

Your relationship is a tragic shitshow between two ridiculous people and absolutely no baby or child deserves to be lumbered with being subjected to it.

This. Absolutely this

If this thread isn't a wind up, you need to have a serious word with yourself

The punishment your body is taking because you are an absolute flake hooked up with an abusive arsehole is beyond belief

Take some responsibility and decide whether you need the baby or the arsehole

Get some advice - Medical, legal and financial

MounjaroOnMyMind · 12/12/2024 20:14

FFS I'm all for a woman's right to choose and abortion or the MAP can be Plan B but it's not there instead of contraception. You both need to take some responsibility for all these pregnancies. You need to dump this complete loser, too. I doubt you will do either of these things, though.

readyforroundthree · 12/12/2024 20:15

Normally I think some of the responses on many of these threads are harsh but on this occasion I agree with every single poster on here.
Your relationship is toxic and you are with an abuser, but you have also allowed this cycle of behaviour to continue for too long. Do you have anyone in real life you can speak to for support, a friend, a therapist?

fraughtcouture · 12/12/2024 20:21

AuContraire · 12/12/2024 19:19

Oh for goodness sake, take a bit of responsibility for yourself.

He's an absolute horror but when you do what you've done this many times, then the fault becomes yours.

Have the baby, or don't, up to you, but either way: take some responsibility and get a modicum of self respect.

Your relationship is a tragic shitshow between two ridiculous people and absolutely no baby or child deserves to be lumbered with being subjected to it.

This! I can't believe what I've just read, and I say that as someone strongly pro-choice who has had (just the one) abortion.

You both are behaving completely irresponsibly, who is paying for your monthly morning after pills/abortions?!

If you don't want to use contraception then abstain during your fertile window. Or is that too inconvenient for you both??

gamerchick · 12/12/2024 20:21

HazelLion · 12/12/2024 19:32

The rest of this messy situation aside, what do you mean you have pelvic inflammatory disease? Have you not had treatment for it...? It's often caused by STIs, has your partner passed STIs to you?

Edited

Yeah I thought that was weird. It's not something you just live with. It needs to be treated.

OP the morning after pill is hard core. You can't rely on it for contraception, you're putting your health at risk.

Get rid of the loser.

Angelchick1971 · 12/12/2024 20:28

Why the actual fuck are you with this arsehole? Jesus christ get rid of him then go and get sterilised and look after yourself. Unbelievable

spoonfulofsugar1 · 12/12/2024 20:29

4 abortions?! You said its his choice but no it isnt. You need to take some responsibility here as well. He's an abusive arsehole who you clearly need to leave but reading your updates, i don't think you will. So what do you want from this thread? If you want this baby, have the baby. But sort your life out ffs.

LoyalTaupeTiger · 12/12/2024 20:30

Arlanymor · 12/12/2024 18:51

You're both not making good decisions are you? You have every right not to be on the pill, but there are MANY other options now for birth control - condoms, coil, implant... I fail to see how after the first abortion you didn't change your whole way of thinking around this really important topic. I have had one abortion in my life for actual medical reasons (i.e. the health of the baby - it was tragic and awful) and it was enough for me, I NEVER EVER want to go through that again. I broke up with my partner because of how he behaved at the time - we have a tentative friendship now, but I would never date him again. I fail to see why you would keep putting yourself through this? It's nuts. Remove the fiancé from the whole equation for a second... why are you not being more sensible and careful?

Edited

actual medical reasons ?

Rowen32 · 12/12/2024 20:35

AuContraire · 12/12/2024 19:19

Oh for goodness sake, take a bit of responsibility for yourself.

He's an absolute horror but when you do what you've done this many times, then the fault becomes yours.

Have the baby, or don't, up to you, but either way: take some responsibility and get a modicum of self respect.

Your relationship is a tragic shitshow between two ridiculous people and absolutely no baby or child deserves to be lumbered with being subjected to it.

This.

Your partner is awful but it's your body. What you're doing to it can't be good, I honestly find it hard to believe you're being so careless.

spoonfulofsugar1 · 12/12/2024 20:36

Arlanymor · 12/12/2024 18:51

You're both not making good decisions are you? You have every right not to be on the pill, but there are MANY other options now for birth control - condoms, coil, implant... I fail to see how after the first abortion you didn't change your whole way of thinking around this really important topic. I have had one abortion in my life for actual medical reasons (i.e. the health of the baby - it was tragic and awful) and it was enough for me, I NEVER EVER want to go through that again. I broke up with my partner because of how he behaved at the time - we have a tentative friendship now, but I would never date him again. I fail to see why you would keep putting yourself through this? It's nuts. Remove the fiancé from the whole equation for a second... why are you not being more sensible and careful?

Edited

Why do people who have had abortions for 'medical' reasons always feel the need to tell us that. It feels like you want to highlight your moral superiority to those of us who had them purely for choice reasons. All you had to say was you've had an abortion

wellIguessitwouldberice · 12/12/2024 20:38

Imagine being born for the purpose of becoming a carer to your disabled sister when you grow up.