Why are woman made to feel guilty for desiring a particular gender?

[Milliegirl25]

My whole life I have wished for a daughter. I know it sounds crazy but since I was a little girl I've felt like I've known her. I've dreamt about her, wrote stories about her, spent years coming up with a beautiful, meaningful name, and once I decided on the name I would write it out over and over, I would paint it, draw it, type it. Just because I was so proud of it and couldn't wait until the day I could proudly give it to my future daughter. I am currently pregnant. Like a lot of woman I have been through a lot to get to this point. I suffer with a severe anxiety disorder that has effected me my whole life, not only mentally but it also causes a host of unexplained physical symptoms. Two years ago I had a miscarriage, following that I got pregnant again. I suffered with such severe anxiety during those first few weeks I couldn't function. Tried to access support but felt under pressure due to the limited amount of time I had to make a decision. In the end my partner and I decided to terminate. I have lived with guilt as a result of my decision everyday since and have never been able to forgive myself. I worked incredibly hard and put in a lot of time, effort and money to ensure my next pregnancy wouldn't be the same. I have been seeing a perinatal psychiatrist for over two years now to support my mental health for the next pregnancy, I take medication, I exercised daily, changed my diet, got all the prenatal testing done, read books, listened to podcasts and did everything in my power to support myself to ensure this pregnancy would be successful. We even started the IVF process as it took us over a year to concieve, but luckily just as we started, we concieved naturally. Anyway despite all the work and preparation I put into this pregnancy, one thing I didn't completely consider is the possibility of not having a daughter. I know it's 50/50 but my entire life I have felt the presence of my "daughter" and just felt in my heart that for once in my life things might actually fall into place, and I might finally get my lifelong dream.
Well that wasn't the case. Two days ago I got my NIPT results back and it said male. The way I have been feeling since this news has completely taken me off guard. I mean this pregnancy has not been easy mentally so far. I'm 12 weeks and have needed a lot of mental health support for my anxiety, and have been working incredibly hard to make it through each day. But when I got the news that I wouldn't be having a daughter the pain has been completely unbearable. I will not be able to have another chance, due to my anxiety disorder. So this means I will never have the daughter that I dreamed of my whole life. I thought to myself as long as the baby if healthy, I would cope, but am shocked at how I have reacted. I know I come across as ungrateful and that's what hurts. Woman sacrifice so much physically and mentally to have a child. But when they express their desires (in this case for a particular gender), they are made to feel selfish, ungrateful or that they shouldn't be a parent if they aren't happy with the gender they are given. Anything else in life (a home, something we save up for, a career etc) we work hard and as a result we desire a particular outcome and if we don't get it, it can be upsetting. This is similar but woman aren't supported if they are upset over not having their dream of a daughter/son fulfilled. There's so much judgement online in this situation.
I just feel so disconnected from this pregnancy now. I have had to work hard for a lot of things in my life (as we all do) but this pregnancy has been something I have worked for 24/7 for over two years, and at the end of it, I will never get my longed for daughter.
I cannot stop crying. I'm grieving for someone that never existed, and feeling like an absolute awful person for not just letting my dream go and being grateful for what I have.
Since I found out every minute has been unbearable. I don't know where to go from here. The thought of living my whole life without filling that empty space in my heart that's been waiting for a daughter since I was a little girl, is absolutely unbearable.

If you have read this far, thankyou. Please no negative judgement. I already feel like an awful person, I don't need anyone else to tell me. Thanks, for reading.

The baby you aborted could well have been a girl you never know

I don’t think I’ve ever seen a more heartless comment given OP’s circumstances.

I feel sorry for the poor little boy you are so disappointed in.
But not as sorry as I would have felt for the the dream girl child if she had come into existence. Imagine having to live up to all that.

Pregnancy is about the child. If you can't see it as anything but about you and your fantasy you really shouldn't have got pregnant.

OP you need to speak to your midwife or GP. You’ve managed to normalise these feelings and they are not healthy at all.

It's a terrible thought to have but I had it too when I read the Op. I dare say lots on here did.

There are people telling her to terminate, or strongly implying she does. That doesn't help the child. Any support the OP gets will help her baby (who may also have a healthy, devoted dad and extended family). She's not getting that on here.

Best advice here. The treatment of a vulnerable OP who has posted for support has been shocking and some posters have clearly vented their spleen at her without a second thought for the possible real life consequences. One poster even going so far as to suggest the terminated pregnancy could have been the girl OP wanted - shame on you. So many posters having missed the fact that she’s on therapy highlights the fact that people are only picking out the bits that suit their own narrative.

Yep. As John Lennon said in Beautiful Boy (Darling Boy), written about his son Sean (though the line was apparently nicked from Allen Saunders in Readers Digest):

“Life’s what happens to you while you’re busy making other plans”.

And he was in the effing Beatles! And was sadly murdered shortly after it was released.

Beautiful song, though, OP, which may help as therapy:

OP I worry for your unborn child. Please seek as much therapy as possibly prior to the child's arrival.

Tbh I would fear for your unborn child even if it was a girl. When you have a fantasy, every element is perfect. The child is perfect. Its behaviour is endearing and delightful. The child is beautiful. Everything is pure fantasy.

You never fantasise about a girl with behavioural issues, crippling mental health issues (which would not be impossible looking at your own), physical health problems or disability. You could have a daughter with chronic adhd and autism who is non verbal. You could have a daughter with a profound physical disability. You could have a delightful young girl who goes on to become a meth addict and sell her body for drug money. You could have an desperately ugly child.

I'm not being flippant here. I am pointing out that your fantasy is just that.

I think wanting a particular gender attracts criticism for two reasons. First, it shows a very entrenched view of what having a boy or girl is like. In reality, there is no single characteristic that all boys share, and no girls have; and no characteristic that all girls have, and no boy has. Children are all children. And they're also all unique, they grow up to be their own distinct beautiful people.

And secondly, because children aren't props to our lives, they're not there to complete us or help us live out a very specific dream. They're people who who enter our lives and become part of our family. They're to be loved and cherished and raised as best we can, but they are additions to the family, not extensions of you and your own particular vision of life.

I have a boy. Every single day I feel spectacularly lucky to be his mum. I look at him and feel like I've won the lottery of life. He is the best person in the whole entire world, and I can't believe my luck that out of all the women in the world, I'm the one who gets to see him everyday and tuck him in at night and spend my days with him.

It might not seem that way now but (perhaps with the right mental health support in place) you too will feel this way about your boy when he's here.

By the way, my good friend (who also suffers from anxiety) felt a bit like this before her boy was born. In her case it was an anxiety around the unknown, as she had a girl heavy family (single mum, loads of sisters). What helped her was focusing on things that she was excited about and that she had in common with the baby. She spent time imagining him as being into fantasy and theme parks, like she is, and imagining all the things that she loved doing that she could share with him. She loved him from the second that he was born.

I didn’t and think there is something off with those who do.

I don't think people tiptoeing around you on here is helpful. You should not have become pregnant in the first place, given your history. Did your psychiatrist know about your obsession with not just having a girl but that particular figment of your imagination girl? If they did and yet you risked this pregnancy, they haven't done a very good job. Please please get new and proper help with your state of mind. The girl in your head never could have turned into a real child. She didn't exist and would never have existed, even if you had had a girl. Can't you see that? I am so sorry for your husband (though perhaps he should never have agreed to another pregnancy anyway, assuming he knows the full extent of your issues) and fearful for the wellbeing of your son.

She isn’t being torn to shreds, she is getting honest advice and opinions. We can’t all go through life having everyone agreeing with us in case it’s upsetting if they don’t. OP needs some honesty here. She needs to know that how she is feeling isn’t normal and she urgently needs to do something about it.
She may be vulnerable but she is a grown woman. If she’s adult enough to get pregnant and raise children, she is adult enough to take on board what people have said here. The replies she has received are nothing compared to what the reality of parenting is going to throw at her.

Thinking it is one thing, suggesting it to a vulnerable OP who has mental health problems which include severe gender disappointment and who posted for support, is quite another and says more about the poster than the OP. It’s vicious and unnecessary.

You cannot be 'made' to feel anything. That is a choice.

Your unrealistic dreams - I don't mean of having a daughter; that's a 50/50 chance - but of what that dream actually entails, are also a choice. The world is full of gender stereotypes and these turn on a dime, meaning that those you encounter today will be wholly different from those encountered by mothers 20 or 30 years ago. This just isn't a solid reality on which to build your life.

I've grieved for several people who only fleetingly existed: that being the babies I lost through multiple miscarriage and stillbirth. I know what it is to plan for a future that doesn't come to fruition. This won't happen because your baby isn't the sex you hoped for. Boys are wonderful. That trite old lie 'a son is a son til he gets a wife, a daughter's a daughter the rest of her life' is exactly that: a lie. My brother is the most wonderful man, who had a strong relationship with our mother all his adult life. Likewise my cousins. I have a beautiful, loving son who I wouldn't change on any pretext.

Humans, individuals, are what matters. You can't build your life around a dream, OP.

Wishing you success in your therapy

I'm certain that OP has had this thought herself already.

OP, I really feel for you as you sound really unwell and riddled with anxiety.

It's great that you've been in therapy and have done some great lifestyle changes to prepare for parenthood.
I have to say that it doesn't sound like the therapy / medication addressed some of the issues you are experiencing. I don't understand how the issue of sex preference didn't come up in the therapy so far (or at least it didn't seem like it was addressed properly).

I think whether you would have a boy or a girl, you'd be eventually disappointed as it might not have been exactly as you imagined. As a parent you have to parent a child you have, not the one you wish you had.

You are in a real danger of transferring your anxieties and insecurities on your child as they just won't measure up.

Please seek help urgently - I know you are in therapy, but I would try and find a new therapist / psychiatrist as it doesn't seem like you got the help you needed.

I would also make sure you have as much support around you as possible when the child arrives.

I can imagine it must be hard to read some of the comments, but I think people are genuinely concerned about your baby.

I feel so desperately sorry for your son.

Of course she’s being torn to shreds by some holier than thou posters who seem to forget that this is someone’s life. OP may need honesty but she’s a vulnerable adult and this is not the way to do it. OP if you’re still reading, which I doubt, please stop. MN is a nest of vipers at times and the vitriol coming from some posters is palpable. Your family, mental health team and your midwife/pre natal team are the ones who can help you most now. Be honest with them about how you feel and let them help you. Best of luck.

I’ve also noticed a growing number of threads along the lines of ‘Just found out im having a little boy and I’m thrilled, however my own mum is really disappointed and not hiding it. She says she always assumed her daughter would have a little girl as well and had imagined having a granddaughter. I’m only having one child and she can’t get past the fact I’m only going to have a son. It’s putting a downer on everything.’

I used to think wtf at these threads but the more gender threads I read you can 100% see a lot of the posters being like this in the future.

“I'm currently pregnant the second time and would love another girl, we're not really interested in having a boy.”

I’m actually taken aback by this. What an awful thing to think and horrible pressure to put on your baby if they are a boy.

The long and short of it is you shouldn’t have a baby if you cannot cope with them not being the gender you desire.

I am genuinely gobsmacked by this post. The part about not considering that the baby could be a boy is really shocking. You wanted to get pregnant to have a girl and with a 50/50 chance you are devastated to have a boy. I am struggling to understand the serious lack of understanding or logic of pregnancy.

Also, you tied so hard to get pregnant and now are disappointed you are having a boy. I continue to be gobsmacked.

I have two boys and boys are the best. I would have been over the moon with having either and just wanted them to be happy and healthy. I wouldn’t trade it for anything and am so glad I didn’t have girls now.

You clearly are significantly struggling with mental health issues. I truly hope that when your baby comes you will love him unconditionally and feel joy in the wonderful gift of a baby.

Good post!

That's right OP, try and think of it this way. You don't need the imaginary child in your head anymore, because your real life child - a whole real and beautiful person - is already growing inside of you.

And what qualifications allow you to make that diagnosis ? OP is under the care of a therapist and a course of action as drastic as termination is a matter for discussion with them, and family. Not some random armchair psychiatrist on the internet.

You should be ashamed of yourself, saying this to a woman in OP's state of mental health.