Why are woman made to feel guilty for desiring a particular gender?

[Milliegirl25]

My whole life I have wished for a daughter. I know it sounds crazy but since I was a little girl I've felt like I've known her. I've dreamt about her, wrote stories about her, spent years coming up with a beautiful, meaningful name, and once I decided on the name I would write it out over and over, I would paint it, draw it, type it. Just because I was so proud of it and couldn't wait until the day I could proudly give it to my future daughter. I am currently pregnant. Like a lot of woman I have been through a lot to get to this point. I suffer with a severe anxiety disorder that has effected me my whole life, not only mentally but it also causes a host of unexplained physical symptoms. Two years ago I had a miscarriage, following that I got pregnant again. I suffered with such severe anxiety during those first few weeks I couldn't function. Tried to access support but felt under pressure due to the limited amount of time I had to make a decision. In the end my partner and I decided to terminate. I have lived with guilt as a result of my decision everyday since and have never been able to forgive myself. I worked incredibly hard and put in a lot of time, effort and money to ensure my next pregnancy wouldn't be the same. I have been seeing a perinatal psychiatrist for over two years now to support my mental health for the next pregnancy, I take medication, I exercised daily, changed my diet, got all the prenatal testing done, read books, listened to podcasts and did everything in my power to support myself to ensure this pregnancy would be successful. We even started the IVF process as it took us over a year to concieve, but luckily just as we started, we concieved naturally. Anyway despite all the work and preparation I put into this pregnancy, one thing I didn't completely consider is the possibility of not having a daughter. I know it's 50/50 but my entire life I have felt the presence of my "daughter" and just felt in my heart that for once in my life things might actually fall into place, and I might finally get my lifelong dream.
Well that wasn't the case. Two days ago I got my NIPT results back and it said male. The way I have been feeling since this news has completely taken me off guard. I mean this pregnancy has not been easy mentally so far. I'm 12 weeks and have needed a lot of mental health support for my anxiety, and have been working incredibly hard to make it through each day. But when I got the news that I wouldn't be having a daughter the pain has been completely unbearable. I will not be able to have another chance, due to my anxiety disorder. So this means I will never have the daughter that I dreamed of my whole life. I thought to myself as long as the baby if healthy, I would cope, but am shocked at how I have reacted. I know I come across as ungrateful and that's what hurts. Woman sacrifice so much physically and mentally to have a child. But when they express their desires (in this case for a particular gender), they are made to feel selfish, ungrateful or that they shouldn't be a parent if they aren't happy with the gender they are given. Anything else in life (a home, something we save up for, a career etc) we work hard and as a result we desire a particular outcome and if we don't get it, it can be upsetting. This is similar but woman aren't supported if they are upset over not having their dream of a daughter/son fulfilled. There's so much judgement online in this situation.
I just feel so disconnected from this pregnancy now. I have had to work hard for a lot of things in my life (as we all do) but this pregnancy has been something I have worked for 24/7 for over two years, and at the end of it, I will never get my longed for daughter.
I cannot stop crying. I'm grieving for someone that never existed, and feeling like an absolute awful person for not just letting my dream go and being grateful for what I have.
Since I found out every minute has been unbearable. I don't know where to go from here. The thought of living my whole life without filling that empty space in my heart that's been waiting for a daughter since I was a little girl, is absolutely unbearable.

If you have read this far, thankyou. Please no negative judgement. I already feel like an awful person, I don't need anyone else to tell me. Thanks, for reading.

It's not working. I'm more concerned about her child.

No. The long and short of it is that gender disappointment is a reality. I’m taken aback by the number of posters telling OP to basically sweep it under the carpet and get on with things.

The OP is under the care of a perinatal psychiatrist. Of course they will be regulated and registered.They might not be the greatest but there is no way they are some random counsellor. The career path to becoming a psychiatrist is as follows:o become a psychiatrist, you need to complete a number of training stages, including: It is not like counselling or psychotherapy
Bachelor's degree
many aspiring psychiatrists choose psychology or biology.
Medical school
A five-year degree in medicine from a General Medical Council-recognized program. Entry typically requires A-levels in science and maths, plus an admissions test.
Foundation training
Two years of work and study to develop an understanding of medical practice.
Psychiatry residency
A four-year program where you learn general medical skills and specialize in psychiatric care.
Core psychiatry training
Three years of training in different sub-specialties to gain a broad understanding of the specialty.

Higher psychiatry training
Three years of training where you can choose to specialize in an area like child and adolescent, forensic, general adult, or old age.

Psychiatrists need to have a range of skills and knowledge, including:
Counselling skills, such as active listening and a non-judgmental approach
Knowledge of psychology, medicine, and dentistry
The ability to understand people's reactions
Excellent verbal communication skills
Sensitivity and understanding

If the OP is posting in a public forum, she should take brutal answers without insults or demeaning her.

Don’t get pregnant then you know it’s a 50/50 chance you’re talking rubbish there’s a little life here who didn’t ask to be born

Are you able to articulate what it is about specifically having a daughter that you want so much? Because children are all individuals and even a daughter may not live up to your fantasy child.

I have a daughter. She is very loving and we are close but she hasn't let me put her in pretty dresses for years. She is really sporty, loves climbing and spends her life in hoodies and leggings, often covered in mud or up a tree.

I also have a son, who has always been a gentler character than his sister growing up. He is now a sports mad almost 15 year old but still tells me he loves me and gives me a cuddle at bedtime every day.

My point is, you don't know who your child will be, but most people fall in love with their child anyway, regardless of whether you have things in common. Whether they are male or female does not dictate who they will be or what your relationship will be like.

The important thing is whether you feel able to take care of them and yourself, whoever they turn out to be. Tbus is what you need to think about. The fantasy doesn't exist and would not even if you were carrying a girl. Having a baby and bringing up a child is the most wonderful thing, but it can also be incredibly hard both physically and mentally.

I don’t doubt it. And l suspect that the poster who said it doesn’t either. And yet they still said it.

Children are not toys and if you’re not prepared to parent any version of a child is, don’t have one. OP wants a girl because she wants a doll to project a fantasy life onto.

This doesn’t make sense.

Because I suspect that the OP's particular problem will not be resolved by having a girl. Its what a girl MEANS to this person that is the issue and if the girl doesn't conform to the OP's expectations then it will all kick off again. It could also result in a very controlling relationship. The child MUST be and do this or that.

Someone with sense at last

No experiences are guaranteed either way though. My great auntie (who has now passed away) longed for a girl and had one after two sons. They had a good relationship but her daughter never stayed physically close- always lived hours away and lived abroad for periods of time, never married and never had children (her choice). Her sons were the ones who lived nearby and provided grandchildren. This isn’t particularly ‘unusual’ or uncommon nowadays. I don’t think there is anything to be ‘mourned’ because she didn’t get to go wedding dress shopping or meet up for regular lunches or whatever.

And yet so many of these answers are insulting and demeaning. And intentionally so.

It's normal to feel upset when the baby's gender is not what you expected. Even to grieve, in a sense. It will take some time to adjust, and I'm glad you are getting mental health support. Be kind to yourself, allow yourself to cry if you want to. Then slowly let your rational mind take over -- boys love their mums just as much as girls do. Boys enjoy dancing, singing, shopping, too. Whatever you believed you could only do with a daughter, you will be able to do with your son.

You have likely been exposed to strong gender stereotypes in your past, it would be interesting to analyse that more.

@MrsTerryPratchett and @Isittimeformynapyet sum up the situation. Please discuss this with your psychiatrist, what you are describing is beyond a mere preference for a daughter. You need to be able to bond with and accept your son when he arrives, he will need you.

My mother told me she'd wanted a boy. Had no girls names picked, my auntie, her sister, chose my name.
We never bonded, we weren't close, and she was jealous of the relationship l had with my dad.
I chose not to have children because l was scared of replicating the relationship (or lack of) l had with her. I suspect if she'd had the boy she wanted, she'd have been very different as a mother.
Then years later when my husband and l were divorcing, she said "Is this because YOU don't want a family?"
She fed me horror stories about childbirth when l was a young, and when l was a teenager (and believe me, l was an angel compared to some of my friends) she told me not to have children "because they're nothing but bother."
And l'm an only child.

I think it’s great that you will have a real little boy with none of the weight of your preconceived expectations, rather than a girl who would never match up to your fantasy. Congratulations!

Haven’t read all of the posts but I do understand the feeling of wanting a girl. I had a son first having always wanted a girl. I can tell you that feeling disappeared. My little boy is everything and I wouldn’t change a hair on his head. In fact when I found out I was pregnant with a girl second time I felt strange because I got comments about getting a girl and to me it felt like a dig to my boy (it wasn’t at all!). It’s ok to feel disappointed because you had an idea of what it would be like and now you can’t see it. But truely you will absolutely be amazed with your little boy and who he is and his personality.

be kind to yourself, seek support where needed and congratulations xx

There have been some really harsh responses on this thread. I think people need to remember that this is a woman who has been/is really quite mentally unwell. And is getting professional help to assist her with her feelings.

OP you feel how you feel. I knew that I wanted a specific gender; I was only having the one that I was pregnant with due to abuse and cheating during the pregnancy. I was so happy on my 20 week scan when I found out the sex. However I would have loved my baby no matter what sex they were. I think that you're going to feel the same as well. When that baby comes, all that you'll be focused on is the baby themselves, not the sex.

OP, this thread has been massively triggering, as I am the daughter of a woman who only wanted boys.
Mother had severe and enduring MH problems like you - I suspect your psychological profile is more than that of severe anxiety disorder - and her monomaniacal pursuit of sons had a devastating effect on all who got in her way, including her actual children, myself and my sister.
We grew up knowing we had less value to her than boys. Boys were simply...better. Sadly - and somewhat ironically - all her mcs were boys. She had lengthy lists of their names and personalities and we grew up hearing about our 'brothers'.
It was insane and had a massive effect upon the psychological health of my sister and me.
And for the next generation, too. My sister has 3 sons. Mother was absolutely obsessed with them. I had twin girls. She had zero interest.
Luckily, she's now dead, so my daughters will never know their boy obsessed grandmother.
You make no mention of the child's father. Where do they stand on this?
I judge you as I judge both my Mother and me: women with severe and enduring MH disorders having children.

There have been many suggestions that OP shouldn't have got pregnant, and many suggesting she should abort the pregnancy. When the plain fact is that with the right support for OP now to work through her issues, she will accept and love the child she is carrying as soon as she meets him. There is no suggestion that OP wants a daughter to use as a doll. That’s just another vicious and ill considered response with no thought for what is clearly a very vulnerable OP posting for support. Which she has little hope of getting here.

While I didn't have the same intensity of feeling that you do, when I got pregnant I was so hoping for a girl. I convinced myself that my bad morning sickness was because I was having a girl, I come from a whole family of girls (a lot!) close to their mum, when I found out I was having a boy at my 20 week scan the disappointment was overwhelming. I gave myself a little time to be sad and then moved on with my pregnancy. My little boy was gorgeous and perfect and I don't regret him one bit. I went on to have a second boy who is the most caring, loving child and I can honestly say they have both brought me so much joy (along with the usual dramas of course!) I do not miss not having a girl at all.

Please allow yourself to love this longed for baby, speak to your psychologist about your thoughts and see if you are able to move on to the idea of just loving your child instead of a gender.

I’m sorry for your experience, but to suggest that no woman with MH issues should have children is beyond judgmental.

As a mum of all girls ( larger family) what is it exactly that you expect a girl to be 🤔 because mine are all so very different .
I love them , I’d also be delighted to have a boy too ( I am far too old now )
too much gender stereotyping I believe creates certain expectations when a mum is expecting a girl or a boy .

Because it’s ridiculous basically. Plus indulgent and nonsensical -no guarantees your child will subscribe to gender stereotypes or me very x or y. I say this as someone who it took 5 years and 3 rounds of IVF to have a child. So for me it’s especially alien to get hung up on them being male or female