Why are woman made to feel guilty for desiring a particular gender?

[Milliegirl25]

My whole life I have wished for a daughter. I know it sounds crazy but since I was a little girl I've felt like I've known her. I've dreamt about her, wrote stories about her, spent years coming up with a beautiful, meaningful name, and once I decided on the name I would write it out over and over, I would paint it, draw it, type it. Just because I was so proud of it and couldn't wait until the day I could proudly give it to my future daughter. I am currently pregnant. Like a lot of woman I have been through a lot to get to this point. I suffer with a severe anxiety disorder that has effected me my whole life, not only mentally but it also causes a host of unexplained physical symptoms. Two years ago I had a miscarriage, following that I got pregnant again. I suffered with such severe anxiety during those first few weeks I couldn't function. Tried to access support but felt under pressure due to the limited amount of time I had to make a decision. In the end my partner and I decided to terminate. I have lived with guilt as a result of my decision everyday since and have never been able to forgive myself. I worked incredibly hard and put in a lot of time, effort and money to ensure my next pregnancy wouldn't be the same. I have been seeing a perinatal psychiatrist for over two years now to support my mental health for the next pregnancy, I take medication, I exercised daily, changed my diet, got all the prenatal testing done, read books, listened to podcasts and did everything in my power to support myself to ensure this pregnancy would be successful. We even started the IVF process as it took us over a year to concieve, but luckily just as we started, we concieved naturally. Anyway despite all the work and preparation I put into this pregnancy, one thing I didn't completely consider is the possibility of not having a daughter. I know it's 50/50 but my entire life I have felt the presence of my "daughter" and just felt in my heart that for once in my life things might actually fall into place, and I might finally get my lifelong dream.
Well that wasn't the case. Two days ago I got my NIPT results back and it said male. The way I have been feeling since this news has completely taken me off guard. I mean this pregnancy has not been easy mentally so far. I'm 12 weeks and have needed a lot of mental health support for my anxiety, and have been working incredibly hard to make it through each day. But when I got the news that I wouldn't be having a daughter the pain has been completely unbearable. I will not be able to have another chance, due to my anxiety disorder. So this means I will never have the daughter that I dreamed of my whole life. I thought to myself as long as the baby if healthy, I would cope, but am shocked at how I have reacted. I know I come across as ungrateful and that's what hurts. Woman sacrifice so much physically and mentally to have a child. But when they express their desires (in this case for a particular gender), they are made to feel selfish, ungrateful or that they shouldn't be a parent if they aren't happy with the gender they are given. Anything else in life (a home, something we save up for, a career etc) we work hard and as a result we desire a particular outcome and if we don't get it, it can be upsetting. This is similar but woman aren't supported if they are upset over not having their dream of a daughter/son fulfilled. There's so much judgement online in this situation.
I just feel so disconnected from this pregnancy now. I have had to work hard for a lot of things in my life (as we all do) but this pregnancy has been something I have worked for 24/7 for over two years, and at the end of it, I will never get my longed for daughter.
I cannot stop crying. I'm grieving for someone that never existed, and feeling like an absolute awful person for not just letting my dream go and being grateful for what I have.
Since I found out every minute has been unbearable. I don't know where to go from here. The thought of living my whole life without filling that empty space in my heart that's been waiting for a daughter since I was a little girl, is absolutely unbearable.

If you have read this far, thankyou. Please no negative judgement. I already feel like an awful person, I don't need anyone else to tell me. Thanks, for reading.

I don't think you, should have conceived with your present feelings. You must know the chances are 50/50 of getting the sex you want. You should have sought counselling first. But that's what you need to do now

You shouldn't have had children if this is your attitude. Your poor son.

Yes and it obviously hasn’t done much good has it? Therapy isn’t a cure all and the OP sounds beyond help. What’s irresponsible is her getting pregnant knowing full well she isn’t well enough! It isn’t unkind to point that out and someone should have done so sooner to avoid this situation.

Good luck to that poor boy. Terribly sad.

The kindest thing is to suggest that the OP gets some kind of help or counselling.

Despite the fact she’s already having it ?!!

OP says she has been seeing a perinatal psychiatrist for 2 years, so she is accessing therapy.

Although I'm surprised that the gender disappointment was sonething that was not considered

Every dream you have had op, every story you wrote, anything you ever thought about a potential daughter, will be absolutely surpassed by your future new arrival in ways you couldn't even imagine.

This.

I have a feeling the Poster didn't mean it to sound the way it did. I read it as meaning that they are preoccupied with the idea of a girl and not really thinking about a boy, but that if the baby is a boy they will still be happy.

Not all mental health professionals are equal. It’s a field that’s woefully under regulated

This is very sad to read. I have one of each and am 'lucky' I never had a preference either time so I'm struggling to understand this. What I will say is I have two friends who both had an image of their 'perfect' daughter and 'perfect' life and their kids, both girls, haven't met their high expectations. One was hoping for a girl exactly like her niece (doll like) and has a very rough and tumble girl who is totally the opposite and another friend who is a bit posh, was expecting a very refined and 'regal' like daughter who she could send to private school and marry off to a posh gent and she has a daughter with all sorts of SEN who is a school refuser and she's tearing her hair out with it all.
So life doesn't turn out the way you want it just because you have a dream.

Agree. You really need to, for the sake of the children you have chosen to bring into the world as much as your own.

They didn't ask to be here, and they don't deserve to be burdened with your attitudes. It's just not fair. Get some help.

This. Often the first post nails it.

Can I ask op, have you painted a fantasy for other parts of your life as well? Your job, your husband, home etc? If so, did they live up to the dream? And if they didn't, your husband for example maybe, has that been OK? Life never lives up to the dream we imagine, but that's OK, it can still be filled with joy and fulfillment.
If you had a daughter, it's extremely unlikely she would turn out how you imagine. That's the worst thing about having kids, they have a mind of their own! At least with a boy, he comes into the world with a clean slate, not pushed into the box of a fantasy.
Best wishes OP and congratulations on your baby.

My first was a daughter. Second pregnancy I really wanted another daughter, not necessarily because I only wanted girls but more because I liked the idea of two the same close in age, if my first had been a boy I would have wanted another boy IYKWIW. When I got the NIPT that said male I was definitely a bit disappointed, certainly not to the levels you seem to be but definitely a bit “awk”. Well let me tell you my DS is now 18 months and I can’t tell you how ridiculous I was being. He is the most wonderful amazing child and I’m so lucky every single day that he is exactly who he is.

your feelings seem much more extreme than mine so I would keep seeing your mental health professional but keep reminding yourself that you most likely will feel very different when that boy is in your arms.

Even if you had a daughter, she wouldn't be the one you have in your head because she is just a fantasy. Children are completely random. Individuals. You can hope they will have certain characteristics but you can't control whether they do or not. Your dream daughter doesn't exist, never did, and never will. But your son is real. You fought hard to get him.

I have 2 sons and 2 grandsons. I have a very close relationship with all of them. I spent Monday with my eldest grandson and yesterday morning with the youngest. My youngest son ( father of the children) spent a lot of yesterday at my house making a Christmas stocking for his youngest. The fire was lit, we had cake and grandson ( 10 months old) slept in my arms . My DIL called in once she had done the jobs she needed to do and had tea and cake. I spoke to my eldest son on the phone for an hour whilst he walked his dog in the evening. At no point during any of this did I think ' gosh this would be so much better if I'd had a girl'.

You shouldn't have got pregnant until you dealt with these feelings. It's not fair on your son. You're idolising an imaginary child, even if the baby were a girl, she wouldn't be one you have imagined.

I am really sad for you. I hope my experience helps a little.

I didn't feel this as deeply as you by any stretch but I always thought if I had a child, I'd have a daughter. I could imagine two daughters but never two sons. I now have two sons, and they are ... perfect. I mean, exhausting, infuriating at times but wonderful, clever, fun, brilliant, perfect. My second son was born with a birth defect (I hate that term but medically speaking) related to being male and that put things into quite sharp focus in unexpected ways.
And now? Well I wouldn't swap them for girls obviously. I never knew I could love anyone as much as I love my sons. Romantic love doesn't come close.

Like some other posters though, I would warn that children can't fix you, or fill a hole. That isn't their purpose. Each generation's role is to sacrifice for their children, I feel, not the other way around (at least while they are children anyway).

Get counselling and explore these feelings. Really the sex of the child is very low on the list of interesting things about them. The wonder of having children is that it isn't really reproduction at all, you are producing something new and wonderful and brilliant - whether they are a boy or a girl.

Some posters would do well to remember there is a real, very vulnerable person at the other end of the screen. This isn't a typical robust OP who can be torn to shreds. I'd hate OP to feel pressured into any decisions because of a MN thread.

OP - if you're still reading, stop. Discuss this with your family and your mental health team.

I haven’t read the thread - need to go to work .

i just wanted to add the desire for one sex isn’t unusual .. you need to now grow in your head you will be raising a boy - long term this may be better for you ( although it dioesn’t feel that way now )

you have a fresh page to raise your Ds on ..I felt like having a boy was a whole new experience rather than following a repeat of my life .

if you had a daughter they would definitely not follow this blueprint you had of raising a daughter.

Agree with this.

Let’s not ignore that OP may feel this way now but there is a possibility, she may not feel the same when the baby is actually here and she has the resources to help her if that isn’t the case and still has options.

She is mourning the loss of a long-held dream. She isn’t saying that she hates males, only that she had not factored in having a boy those are entirely two different things and I wish more people understood that instead of claiming wanting one gender means hating the other.

Several studies have shown that when anonymously asked, at least in western countries, most choose their own gender because they have the societal experience of being that gender and can better navigate their child through the ups and downs regardless of their personalities.

OP, this was the wrong place to post this in and you should move this to a more appropriate thread.

Her child is even more vulnerable, though.

My apologies for my previous post saying 'children'. I can't edit now, or I would.

So there is fleeting gender disappointment, I had maybe a day of it. I'm very happy with my two kids who happen to be boys. That they have a penis instead of a vulva is the least interesting part of them.
Then there is an all pervasive fantasy that you built up in your head, to the point where it seems like it was real person who had a name, a personality and with whom you had built up a relationship. You are not suffering from gender disappointment- you are mourning the loss of that fantasy.

I'm not going to comment on your suitability as a parent, because once you have a baby it is entirely likely you will be a great mother to the baby in your arms. But it is concerning that you are so attached to this fantasy in your head and its long term effect on your life, and for the sake of your son I would urge you to get help for it.

YABVU for buying into the gender stereotype shite.

ETA: sorry, went too early

You need to talk to someone about your feelings. Please try to get some therapy to explore your feelings around this.