Why are woman made to feel guilty for desiring a particular gender?

[Milliegirl25]

My whole life I have wished for a daughter. I know it sounds crazy but since I was a little girl I've felt like I've known her. I've dreamt about her, wrote stories about her, spent years coming up with a beautiful, meaningful name, and once I decided on the name I would write it out over and over, I would paint it, draw it, type it. Just because I was so proud of it and couldn't wait until the day I could proudly give it to my future daughter. I am currently pregnant. Like a lot of woman I have been through a lot to get to this point. I suffer with a severe anxiety disorder that has effected me my whole life, not only mentally but it also causes a host of unexplained physical symptoms. Two years ago I had a miscarriage, following that I got pregnant again. I suffered with such severe anxiety during those first few weeks I couldn't function. Tried to access support but felt under pressure due to the limited amount of time I had to make a decision. In the end my partner and I decided to terminate. I have lived with guilt as a result of my decision everyday since and have never been able to forgive myself. I worked incredibly hard and put in a lot of time, effort and money to ensure my next pregnancy wouldn't be the same. I have been seeing a perinatal psychiatrist for over two years now to support my mental health for the next pregnancy, I take medication, I exercised daily, changed my diet, got all the prenatal testing done, read books, listened to podcasts and did everything in my power to support myself to ensure this pregnancy would be successful. We even started the IVF process as it took us over a year to concieve, but luckily just as we started, we concieved naturally. Anyway despite all the work and preparation I put into this pregnancy, one thing I didn't completely consider is the possibility of not having a daughter. I know it's 50/50 but my entire life I have felt the presence of my "daughter" and just felt in my heart that for once in my life things might actually fall into place, and I might finally get my lifelong dream.
Well that wasn't the case. Two days ago I got my NIPT results back and it said male. The way I have been feeling since this news has completely taken me off guard. I mean this pregnancy has not been easy mentally so far. I'm 12 weeks and have needed a lot of mental health support for my anxiety, and have been working incredibly hard to make it through each day. But when I got the news that I wouldn't be having a daughter the pain has been completely unbearable. I will not be able to have another chance, due to my anxiety disorder. So this means I will never have the daughter that I dreamed of my whole life. I thought to myself as long as the baby if healthy, I would cope, but am shocked at how I have reacted. I know I come across as ungrateful and that's what hurts. Woman sacrifice so much physically and mentally to have a child. But when they express their desires (in this case for a particular gender), they are made to feel selfish, ungrateful or that they shouldn't be a parent if they aren't happy with the gender they are given. Anything else in life (a home, something we save up for, a career etc) we work hard and as a result we desire a particular outcome and if we don't get it, it can be upsetting. This is similar but woman aren't supported if they are upset over not having their dream of a daughter/son fulfilled. There's so much judgement online in this situation.
I just feel so disconnected from this pregnancy now. I have had to work hard for a lot of things in my life (as we all do) but this pregnancy has been something I have worked for 24/7 for over two years, and at the end of it, I will never get my longed for daughter.
I cannot stop crying. I'm grieving for someone that never existed, and feeling like an absolute awful person for not just letting my dream go and being grateful for what I have.
Since I found out every minute has been unbearable. I don't know where to go from here. The thought of living my whole life without filling that empty space in my heart that's been waiting for a daughter since I was a little girl, is absolutely unbearable.

If you have read this far, thankyou. Please no negative judgement. I already feel like an awful person, I don't need anyone else to tell me. Thanks, for reading.

I was told I wouldn't be able to conceive naturally. I did and now have a beautiful 1 year old daughter. I was thankful to have a healthy baby. There's loads of young women out there who can't conceive any babies or carry to term!!

Im hoping it will prompt her to think carefully about whether she's the right person to raise this baby. A real serious think about it. I hope she shows her partner and her mental health team too.

I don't think it's unkind. Direct and truthful but not unkind. Having a baby is not like choosing a toy or a car. A baby should be loved unconditionally and allowed to be who they are.

The kindest thing is to suggest that the OP gets some kind of help or counselling.

@SallyWD so true. You never know what they’ll be like. Mine are all v different. And they naturally rebel as they get older. So, mine often think and do the opposite of me just to be contrary. Ha!

I can’t believe what I have just read within 2 years you have had a miscarriage a termination starting ivf now pregnant with a son and your struggling why the hell did you bother .This poor little boy surely people around you should have realised your MH is not good.I can’t believe these comments if this was a man wanting a son saying this he would be crucified

Brilliantly put!

I’m sorry you’ve had some harsh responses.

for me - You aren’t expressing a wish for a person with all their faults and flaws- but a perfect doll. The wider issue lies with the fact that the preference is often grounded in outdated gender roles. The thought that a girl will be all pretty dresses, ballet and dolls and a boy will be all noise and trucks - rather than being open to the idea that they are their own person. It would worry me that any child born into those expectations would then be raised according to those stereotypes rather than having the opportunity to be themselves- and you would really struggle when the reality and the fantasy clashed.

That said , I appreciate it is strange when you picture something one way - and it doesn’t go that way, it is unsettling. I can imagine in the face of anxiety , that feels even more difficult. All the women in my family go girl first and then boy. My first is a girl (definitely not your stereotypical one!). Im not finding out the sex again with this pregnancy but its been really hard to pick a girl name just because it’s always been girl then boy. Even if im fully aware that it’s equal odds ! No preference just … a bit of a sense it’s a foregone conclusion and I’ll be absolutely mind boggled if a girl pops out.

give yourself time - explore things in therapy - and know that whoever comes out will be their own person!

People.often think a baby will cure a woman's poor mental health.

It makes perfect sense if you think about it 🤣
OP, please share your feelings with your midwife/consultant/HV, to ensure you and baby get the support you both need.

Sadly, I also agree with this. #bekind is not a magical panacea for everything. Sometimes people need a bit of tough love, and I think that’s what the OP needs. Whatever she is doing to ‘work on her mental health’ clearly isn’t working. She needs an entirely different approach.

Talking as someone who has essentially cured my anxiety by being a little tougher on myself. It works sometimes, controversial as it sounds. Anxiety and rumination are one and the same. If your thoughts are constantly inward and introspective (which the OP’s are) you will never get over it. You need to think outwardly, about other people and especially your unborn child.

This post made me think of Kahlil Gibran’s On Children:
Your children are not your children.
They are the sons and daughters of Life’s longing for itself.
They come through you but not from you,
And though they are with you yet they belong not to you.
You may give them your love but not your thoughts,
For they have their own thoughts.
You may house their bodies but not their souls,
For their souls dwell in the house of tomorrow, which you cannot visit, not even in your dreams.
You may strive to be like them, but seek not to make them like you.
For life goes not backward nor tarries with yesterday.
You are the bows from which your children as living arrows are sent forth.
The archer sees the mark upon the path of the infinite, and He bends you with His might that His arrows may go swift and far.
Let your bending in the archer’s hand be for gladness;
For even as He loves the arrow that flies, so He loves also the bow that is stable.

Perfectly put.

It's not the responsibility of an unborn child to make you a healthy and happy person. I feel for these kids who are inheriting their parents' suffering. 😔

Because nature makes the babies we’re given, if we’re lucky and don’t have multiple miscarriages like I did. I also always wanted girls and my firstborn was female so perhaps you’d consider me lucky? By the time I’d had 5 miscarriages I didn’t give a shit what my 2nd born was so long as it was a healthy baby I’d carry to full term.

Both are now teens and the journey of parenting an AuDHD DD with serious complex mental health issues has, frankly, been horrific and there have been many days when I wish I’d never had any children at all. It is only because my sone is easy-going and loving (also ASD) that I’ve walked myself back from that position. Because, like the sex, when you have a child you get the person that you get - temperament, diversity and all.

People who feel like you OP, need counselling. Babies are not a wish list item whose role is to fill a gaping hole in their parents’s lives or psyche. They are complex human beings who will very likely not fulfil any of your latent, childhood fantasies. They are challenging, complicated, demanding but, ultimately, rewarding. Their sex is only one tiny facet of the whole person they become.

This is not ‘negative judgement’ you do not seem emotionally or mentally in the right place to be having a child. I hope you are getting good therapy and that you’re able to deal with your issues so they don’t severely impact on the mental health of your child.

A girl could never have lived up to that
please continue to work hard on yourself and do all you can to get well for this little boys sake

my son is way more affectionate than my daughter and boys are generally much easier during puberty

you are very un well keep engaging with help

When I saw the title I imagined a scenario where you were pregnant with a second child and had the slight preference for the opposite sex to your first this time, as most people's ideal is 1 of each. But YABU, you have an unhealthy obsession with wanting a daughter.

I also think there’s an element of comfort in picturing a daughter because you can basically picture mini image of yourself - and that’s quite stabilising in all the mystery of pregnancy. It is weird to think of this little unknown entity floating around inside you!

(Yes I know people have husbands/male partners but it’s likely you didn’t know them as a baby so even that’s a mystery! And many people were too close in age to remember their brothers as babies )

I think you are not well. I think you knew this. No girl would be good enough. Perhaps it's best you have a boy and get the disappointment over with before they are old enough to notice.

I don't think its helpful not to acknowledge that parenting the two sexes are different experiences, that a child is a child and so on. Because as much as we might kick against sex based roles, interests and behaviours, there is a big old world out there, pushing them at our children and for all the 'gender neutral' clothes and activities and buying our sons tutus, in the majority of cases, those norms catch up with your child at some point. Certainly by the time you are parent to a man or a woman, there will typically be significant difference in the experience. So to refuse to acknowledge the validity of disappointment that some experiences have a very high chance of being closed to you, isn't helpful. I think sex based disappointment does need to be sat with, mourned and processed so it can be addressed in order to embrace the experience you are having positively. Shaming women into silence or pretending they're wrong because there's no difference isn't the way.

Spot on. No child is ever going to live up to your “dreams”, and like others say, what terrible pressure to place on them.

You’re not a bad person OP, but you need mental health support, or counselling to help you. Anyone who creates idealistic fantasies in their head, and is unable to cope when they don’t come true, is going to be upset. While we can’t control most events, we can control our attitude and responses.

You're not ‘desiring a particular gender’, you’re obsessing about having a baby of a specific sex. There’s a huge difference. Most parents I know firstly wanted a baby, then for the baby to be healthy, then for a second child for it to be a particular sex (some wanted same sex siblings, some opposite sex).

Maybe that little girl was actually the little girl inside of you.

Maladaptive daydreaming is a way some people deal with trauma and emotional neglect. I wonder if your love and care for this little girl was possibly what you wanted and fantasised about receiving. A chance to give this little girl the most beautiful life.

Turn that love and care inward and show yourself that same love that you would have given her. Start to heal that part of yourself so you can be the best mum to that little boy you are having.

I can understand a preference. I wasn't told what sex my 2nd child would be at my scan but I wanted a girl. When DS was born I'm ashamed I did feel a bit disappointed, and didn't have the same immediate rush of love that I had with DD.

The bond took a few weeks to develop and I did have PND, but honestly within weeks I would have done anything for him and love both equally. In fact if I look objectively he is (and has been since he was little) a more considerate, and kinder person than DD (who is a bit more selfish).

As an aside with both of my DC we had chosen a name, and in both instances once they were born we didn't think that name suited or fitted them, so even something as simple as having a name chosen doesn't always pan out.

Good luck with a healthy pregnancy @Milliegirl25 I hope you have lots of support to help bond with your baby.

To the person who suggested adoption, sorry but I think that is an awful idea. Lots of children in care have had trauma or psychological issues themselves and will need a lot of support to deal with those, not an extra responsibility of fulfilling a pre-conceived ideal of the perfect daughter.

I can imagine this kind of thing inspiring a gender oriented identity crisis. The one kid I saw on TV who was trans listed a whole load of personality traits (nice ones) that they have which helped them conclude they were female. As well as not playing with cars. I bet their mother thinks boys are made of slugs, snails, and puppy dog's tails.