Why are woman made to feel guilty for desiring a particular gender?

[Milliegirl25]

My whole life I have wished for a daughter. I know it sounds crazy but since I was a little girl I've felt like I've known her. I've dreamt about her, wrote stories about her, spent years coming up with a beautiful, meaningful name, and once I decided on the name I would write it out over and over, I would paint it, draw it, type it. Just because I was so proud of it and couldn't wait until the day I could proudly give it to my future daughter. I am currently pregnant. Like a lot of woman I have been through a lot to get to this point. I suffer with a severe anxiety disorder that has effected me my whole life, not only mentally but it also causes a host of unexplained physical symptoms. Two years ago I had a miscarriage, following that I got pregnant again. I suffered with such severe anxiety during those first few weeks I couldn't function. Tried to access support but felt under pressure due to the limited amount of time I had to make a decision. In the end my partner and I decided to terminate. I have lived with guilt as a result of my decision everyday since and have never been able to forgive myself. I worked incredibly hard and put in a lot of time, effort and money to ensure my next pregnancy wouldn't be the same. I have been seeing a perinatal psychiatrist for over two years now to support my mental health for the next pregnancy, I take medication, I exercised daily, changed my diet, got all the prenatal testing done, read books, listened to podcasts and did everything in my power to support myself to ensure this pregnancy would be successful. We even started the IVF process as it took us over a year to concieve, but luckily just as we started, we concieved naturally. Anyway despite all the work and preparation I put into this pregnancy, one thing I didn't completely consider is the possibility of not having a daughter. I know it's 50/50 but my entire life I have felt the presence of my "daughter" and just felt in my heart that for once in my life things might actually fall into place, and I might finally get my lifelong dream.
Well that wasn't the case. Two days ago I got my NIPT results back and it said male. The way I have been feeling since this news has completely taken me off guard. I mean this pregnancy has not been easy mentally so far. I'm 12 weeks and have needed a lot of mental health support for my anxiety, and have been working incredibly hard to make it through each day. But when I got the news that I wouldn't be having a daughter the pain has been completely unbearable. I will not be able to have another chance, due to my anxiety disorder. So this means I will never have the daughter that I dreamed of my whole life. I thought to myself as long as the baby if healthy, I would cope, but am shocked at how I have reacted. I know I come across as ungrateful and that's what hurts. Woman sacrifice so much physically and mentally to have a child. But when they express their desires (in this case for a particular gender), they are made to feel selfish, ungrateful or that they shouldn't be a parent if they aren't happy with the gender they are given. Anything else in life (a home, something we save up for, a career etc) we work hard and as a result we desire a particular outcome and if we don't get it, it can be upsetting. This is similar but woman aren't supported if they are upset over not having their dream of a daughter/son fulfilled. There's so much judgement online in this situation.
I just feel so disconnected from this pregnancy now. I have had to work hard for a lot of things in my life (as we all do) but this pregnancy has been something I have worked for 24/7 for over two years, and at the end of it, I will never get my longed for daughter.
I cannot stop crying. I'm grieving for someone that never existed, and feeling like an absolute awful person for not just letting my dream go and being grateful for what I have.
Since I found out every minute has been unbearable. I don't know where to go from here. The thought of living my whole life without filling that empty space in my heart that's been waiting for a daughter since I was a little girl, is absolutely unbearable.

If you have read this far, thankyou. Please no negative judgement. I already feel like an awful person, I don't need anyone else to tell me. Thanks, for reading.

I do sympathise with how you feel as I desperately wanted a girl my last pregnancy and got a boy. But as others are saying even if we got our girls we don't get the girl we wanted. My mother wanted a daughter, had me then spent my whole life critical of me for not living how she wanted me to and not liking or wanting what she wanted for me. She's the cause of a lot of my mental health issues growing up and as an adult I dislike her, see her out of duty and take interest in her life because im not a horrible person.

Your child isn't born yet. I really wanted a girl but would die for my son and can't imagine loving him more or less than the emended amount that I do. He was a couple months old I'd say before that clicked- I had to get to know him as a human and love him before I could let go of the idea he stole my baby girl from me by being male.

Yes. It boils down to this.

Gender stereotyping is a fiction. It's also one that has become increasingly pervasive in the wake of princessy- pinkification.

It's not too much of a stretch to suggest that at least some of the discourses contributing to the increasingly gendered schism occurring post 1990s/noughties are nothing more than someone else's corporate marketing strategy. Contrary to popular belief little girls do not come out of the womb inately liking pink. And many of the supposed connections between gender and sex are purely arbitrary.

These are general observations, as opposed to a comment on the OP's unique situation, but it's social discouses like this that lead to supposed 'gender disappointment', not least a great deal of angst amongst young people who don't feel these stereotypes fit them. Given the narrow, regressive nature of these stereotypes, this perhaps explains how what some call a 'social contagion' now amounts to a sizeable number of people, that the forces fueling this are not merely those of peer-pressure, but the result of other discourses and social complexities at play. Toys R Us was bright and colourful in the boys' aisles, whilst the girls' resembled an explosion in a sugared almond factory. Gender marketing for the past three decades has clearly been leading up to this or something like it.

I too have gender disappointment: disappointment in the whole ideology which assumes (on no real, solid basis) what it means to think, act, speak, dress, and behave as a male or female and imposes social diktats accordingly.

'Gender' is harmful - to pretty much everyone. This thread is just another clear example as to why.

I only read your post up until you said “
you wasn’t interested in having a boy”.

That’s an appalling attitude and quite cruel. Girls are no better than boys.

You sound horrid .

I can only hope you change your mind once you meet your son.

I was always a disappointment to my mother, never the child she wanted. My childhood was miserable. If you are so immature that you believe a child will be "what you've dreamed of," then you shouldn't be having children. It's a little person, not a doll.

Hi OP, I’m so sorry for the loss of the baby girl you will never have. Give yourself some time to grieve - your feelings are valid and understandable.

But just know that when your little baby boy arrives, you are going to love him so much and he will bring you so much joy and fulfilment, that you are going to find it hard to imagine why you never thought you wanted a boy.

💕💕

It sounds that having a boy first can be easier and healthier for both of you now.

This way you can discover the world together with your baby without too much pressure from the very clear shape in your heart. Hearts are elastic which allows us to love real people, not only our dreams.

I wish you peace. I too struggle with anxiety but about different things. I hope you see that this little miracle boy inside of you has perhaps been given to you to prove that love is unconditional and positive between a mother and her child regardless of gender. Your pregnancy is in the real world and needs your love and attention. Try to leave the past and expectations of a mythical daughter behind. Embrace the now, it's calling to you and gently instructing you to focus on the present. Try to release the past and build this wonderful present you have in your hands.

I have four now, two of each. I've had a wonderful life with them both boy and girl. They are all different and I've had to wear a lot of hats over the years but ultimately it was more than worth it. I have eight grand children and they are a joy. I'm sharing this only to gift you the knowledge that you can progress beyond this current unhappiness. Don't let your anxiety rob you of a good shot at the rest of your life.

Seek and get the help, it will come. But actively spend time thinking positively about your baby son. It will feel strange at first but will become a stepping stone to your active journey as a mother. The world needs good mothers of boys as well as girls. We are there to fill them up with love and hope and learning and it all happens in the now. You are very brave to admit how you feel. I wish you love and strength to proceed forward. Don't underestimate the power of your little son, he's waiting in the wings to fill your life with love. All the best.

This is such a good reply and I hope OP sees it.

I had similar thoughts that even if OP had a girl, the path would still be full of potential disappointment if the daughter didn’t fit the image in her mind (e.g: tomboy who prefers to spend time with Dad). So might be easier to get the disappointment out of the way now.

Probably the disney channel esque portrayal of the pretty, sassy girl with the cute/immaculate bedroom and perfectly polished appearance.

I have a 14yo who walks out the door groomed perfection, but leaves behind her a trail of mucky destruction. I'd take a picture of how messy she left her bedroom this morning, and her disgusting make up strewn dressing table, and post it however it'd be way too embarrassing.

I have to get her a new dressing table and bedroom carpet annually (the dog was licking the new bedroom carpet this morning 🤢 so she's already got stuff spilt on it). I've told her this dressing table is her last - if she wrecks another one it will be the oldest, crappiest second hand monstrosity I can find that'll replace it.

when we are prégnant we havé thé baby we dream of and later the baby we havé. When you ll see your DS you will love him. When mine was born i felt like i always knew him and I love him so deeply. During pregnancy i thought I ll havé a DD. You Must grieve thé dream of baby you had. And DS are wonderful with their mum

why is it reasonable to say that two girls must share a room so that you can keep a house you love?

I wonder if actually this isn’t about a daughter and it isn’t a daughter who has been with you but instead a version of you that you wished were you and have created as your daughter. An identity that you want to be.

But even if you were having a daughter you wouldn’t have the child you have been dreaming about because I really do think it is linked to you and to your identity - you cannot put all of this on a child.

Your son will be a clean slate a chance for you to raise him as him rather than the concept of the child you wanted as an adjunct of yourself

because one thing is true in parenting your child is their own oerson

Hi OP, I’m so sorry for the loss of the baby girl you will never have. no. We need to stop treating this kind of thought process as being akin to a bereavement. It isn’t.

I appreciate the OP may have miscarried and subsequently terminated a girl however we don’t know that, and this isn’t about that, it’s about an unhealthy fantasy which shouldn’t be indulged in any way shape or form.

To express sadness and telling people to grieve is to justify it, which it isn’t.

Of course no experiences are guaranteed. However there remains certain patterns of behaviour and attitudes that lead people to anticipate certain experiences with a child of one sex they will not have with the other. The example of wedding dress shopping for example. Yes, some mothers of daughters do not have this experience, but many do. It would be extremely rare to take ones son shopping for his wedding dress. Similarly, being at the birth of a grandchild/going for weekends away alone with your adult child/a very close and confiding friendship. A not unreasonable hope for the mother of a woman given societal norms, but something we know is less likely/tolerated/possible for mothers of men.
You only need to look at the threads on here on these subjects to see the difference in attitudes to the relationship. Of course there are other factors that come into play, hence the 'I'm not close to my mother and my son is my best friend' anecdotes. But these do not negate the societal push towards different relationships between mothers and sons and mothers and daughters that result in patterns.

Interesting isn’t it that in some cultures where having a boy is seen to be desirable, and where in fact pregnancies are terminated if it is a girl because it goes against cultural norms we judge - and rightly so.

If someone came on here and said that they wanted to terminate their pregnancy because it was a girl they would be torn to shreds, not just because of the fact they wanted a particular sex but because people are horrified at the thought of little girls not being welcomed.

And yet because this is a boy and the OP wants a girl we get people saying that it’s understandable, and we all want a daughter, and expressing what amounts to condolences.

Obviously not everyone has reacted that way, but we need to step away from this acceptance of gender disappointment. It’s one thing to kind of hope for one or the other, it’s quite another to be inconsolable over it.

Disney has so much to answer for. Elsa and Anna's close sisterly bond, all the classic Disney princesses as girly as can be etc. The only realistic ones for me I think are Merida from brave and Moana.

I have a niece who loathes pink and loves football and dinosaurs, and a nephew who loves making jewellery and browsing clothes shops with me. Every child is an individual.

It might be worth seeking some counselling to talk through your lifelong feelings about having a girl - gently, it sounds a little obsessive and unrealistic and you might want to address it so that you can enjoy your beautiful little boy and be a great mum to him.

Morning, @Milliegirl25. We can see you're having a very difficult time so we wanted to pop by with some links to help. There are several numbers on our Mental Health Webguide that might be useful for you. We know you're already talking to someone about it all but if you need another perspective that might be worth a try.

Thank you to everyone who has tried to be supportive or offered the OP advice. We've had to delete several posts here that we considered to be personal attacks or that just felt inflammatory given the OP's fragile state. Being pregnant is always an emotional time, before you add any further difficulties into the mix, so we'd ask everyone to at least be civil, even if you disagree.

We do think, though, that this thread would be better placed out of AIBU so we're going to move it over to our Pregnancy board now.

Another one who found it hilarious. 🖐🏻

Perhaps OP needs desperate mental health help and not a debate over why women have a preference for girls. Start another thread for that.

Well it certainly doesn't seem to have worked.

I must be a shit daughter. No mother at either of my deliveries, just hubby. She came wedding dress shopping but I actually picked the one I wanted on a trip with MIL. Also never done a weekend away with her but DH took his Mom away for the weekend. I'll have to start stepping up to my responsibilities eh

Hi @Milliegirl25 - I just wanted to come on here to send you lots of love and hugs.
my strongest recommendation would be to step up in whatever way you can, even if it means a stay in a private hospital, MH support for your anxiety.
Getting help for this will really help you in every way possible - especially in parenting which can add to anxiety in the most calm of parents xx

You cannot control nature.
Seek more support to handle this.

You do have options...you could give up your baby boy for adoption, for example? Maybe going through that thought process will help you see how that would make you feel?
Are you thinking yes i would like to explore that? Or
do not be ridiculous ?
Or leave boy with the dad to bring up and you go elsewhere

And however healthy prenatally testing you simply do not get 100% guarantee that there will never be any kind of health issue thru a person life. That is nature. You do not get to control all the genes.

I'm going to be gentle here OP what you are describing doesn't exist regardless of the gender of your baby.

Yes people do have gender disappointment but that's not what you are describing. You have created a parallel world surrounding a baby girl that was never going to exist. I suggest as others have speaking with your midwife and team.