Why are woman made to feel guilty for desiring a particular gender?

[Milliegirl25]

My whole life I have wished for a daughter. I know it sounds crazy but since I was a little girl I've felt like I've known her. I've dreamt about her, wrote stories about her, spent years coming up with a beautiful, meaningful name, and once I decided on the name I would write it out over and over, I would paint it, draw it, type it. Just because I was so proud of it and couldn't wait until the day I could proudly give it to my future daughter. I am currently pregnant. Like a lot of woman I have been through a lot to get to this point. I suffer with a severe anxiety disorder that has effected me my whole life, not only mentally but it also causes a host of unexplained physical symptoms. Two years ago I had a miscarriage, following that I got pregnant again. I suffered with such severe anxiety during those first few weeks I couldn't function. Tried to access support but felt under pressure due to the limited amount of time I had to make a decision. In the end my partner and I decided to terminate. I have lived with guilt as a result of my decision everyday since and have never been able to forgive myself. I worked incredibly hard and put in a lot of time, effort and money to ensure my next pregnancy wouldn't be the same. I have been seeing a perinatal psychiatrist for over two years now to support my mental health for the next pregnancy, I take medication, I exercised daily, changed my diet, got all the prenatal testing done, read books, listened to podcasts and did everything in my power to support myself to ensure this pregnancy would be successful. We even started the IVF process as it took us over a year to concieve, but luckily just as we started, we concieved naturally. Anyway despite all the work and preparation I put into this pregnancy, one thing I didn't completely consider is the possibility of not having a daughter. I know it's 50/50 but my entire life I have felt the presence of my "daughter" and just felt in my heart that for once in my life things might actually fall into place, and I might finally get my lifelong dream.
Well that wasn't the case. Two days ago I got my NIPT results back and it said male. The way I have been feeling since this news has completely taken me off guard. I mean this pregnancy has not been easy mentally so far. I'm 12 weeks and have needed a lot of mental health support for my anxiety, and have been working incredibly hard to make it through each day. But when I got the news that I wouldn't be having a daughter the pain has been completely unbearable. I will not be able to have another chance, due to my anxiety disorder. So this means I will never have the daughter that I dreamed of my whole life. I thought to myself as long as the baby if healthy, I would cope, but am shocked at how I have reacted. I know I come across as ungrateful and that's what hurts. Woman sacrifice so much physically and mentally to have a child. But when they express their desires (in this case for a particular gender), they are made to feel selfish, ungrateful or that they shouldn't be a parent if they aren't happy with the gender they are given. Anything else in life (a home, something we save up for, a career etc) we work hard and as a result we desire a particular outcome and if we don't get it, it can be upsetting. This is similar but woman aren't supported if they are upset over not having their dream of a daughter/son fulfilled. There's so much judgement online in this situation.
I just feel so disconnected from this pregnancy now. I have had to work hard for a lot of things in my life (as we all do) but this pregnancy has been something I have worked for 24/7 for over two years, and at the end of it, I will never get my longed for daughter.
I cannot stop crying. I'm grieving for someone that never existed, and feeling like an absolute awful person for not just letting my dream go and being grateful for what I have.
Since I found out every minute has been unbearable. I don't know where to go from here. The thought of living my whole life without filling that empty space in my heart that's been waiting for a daughter since I was a little girl, is absolutely unbearable.

If you have read this far, thankyou. Please no negative judgement. I already feel like an awful person, I don't need anyone else to tell me. Thanks, for reading.

I carry this with me always. In life. You get what you need. Not what you want.

Life has a different plan for you than what you envisioned. Embrace it. Enjoy it. A boy will bring you joys you’ve never thought about.

Nailed it.

Of course gender/sex disappointment is real, in OP’s case it goes way beyond that. All these cutesy anecdotes and the ‘oh as soon as he’s in your arms you’ll forget about sex’ is ridiculous because the OP has an extreme case of MH issues!

Too many innocent babies are being born that are than neglected & abused. There are stories on this thread.

She needs a LOT more MH health than is she is currently getting!

I'm sorry you're having a hard time right now. All the added hormones thrown into the mix probably arent helping.
What I will say is congratulations on the pregnancy and for what I know is a much longer for child! 😁
I have children all one gender, and thought I really want the gender I didn't have but, honestly, in the end you end up adoring the child for WHO THEY ARE and that look of love they give you every day.
You are going to be the world to this little lad.
In a couple of weeks you will feel all the little movements and kicks, that you can share with your partner and hopefully it will all become a bit more real.
When I feel my thoughts are running into overdrive, I tend to put on some music to override them. Not all thoughts are helpful and productive, and i think it's good to be really aware of the ones that quite frankly need to go away.
Wishing you a happy, healthy pregnancy and exciting times ahead! X

My 4 year old boy is a sweet little angel who is "trying to be good for santa" this Christmas.
He's thoughtful, loving and says when he grows up he wants to live with mummy and daddy forever, he always wants a cuddle and a kiss and gives kisses back.
He's so much sweeter and lovely than I was at that age, he plays with cars but also likes his sylvanian family playhouse and playing kitchen, drawing, shopping same as any little girl would. He has a vivid imagination so playtime is never boring.

I can't imagine having a girl, not because it would be weird but because gender just doesn't fit into the equation.. He's not just a boy he's my child, yes there are boy things and girl things, but the truth is they all have different personalities.. My dh still regularly sees and is close to his parents..ironically I am more distant to my family.
Yabu.

You need support to address your over thinking/ruminating @Milliegirl25. Your post is one long chain of unhealthy rumination.

Picturing oneself parenting a boy or a girl is perfectly normal, and for all of us there's likely to be a preference. I always pictured myself with a boy, I got a girl, and I've never looked back.

Your rumination is such that behavioural therapy is required; please seek same.

My awesome girl has a bob, is invariably filthy from rugby and mountain biking, and doesn’t own a dress or skirt. I bloody love her. Would you have been disappointed if the magical girl you dream of turned out to be a girl like mine, with no interest in dress-up or pretty nails? Your perfect baby growing inside you is so much more than what is between their legs. Please get some more help.

I certainly hope that’s true. He deserves his mother’s love just as much as any girl.

I always feel that when someone desperately wants a girl it’s because they want to dress her up in pretty clothes and be their little princess. No one says I really want a girl so I can get her the latest football strip. It’s all about dress up and being each others ‘besties’. Reality isn’t like that though, they can be just as mucky and gross as some boys and they probably won’t want to be your best friend as they’ll have their own age appropriate ones.

I'm really sorry for the immense difficulties you have been living through, it must have been really tough.

The answer to the question in your thread title is because it's basic parenting 101 to allow your children the freedom to be who they are without the pressure of any specific expectation beyond wanting them to be happy and fulfilled. A very important part of that is not getting fixated on either sex because you can't then help but be setting up expectations for gender conformity which is basically sexism.

It's fine to dream of a fantasy child through the years before a child actually arrives. I had those fantasies too and gave that fantasy child a name and had all sorts of dreams and plans for them. But when my actual child came along I was absolutely adamant that I would not give them the fantasy-child's name, even though they were the "right" sex for it, because this child was an entirely different person to fantasy-child, who I had very little control over and who has developed to be a very different person to fantasy-child in ways I would never have fantasised but are nevertheless wonderful.

Your male baby will be different from your fantasy female baby in some ways, and the same in others - but you can be 100% certain that if you had a female baby the same would have been true to to the same extent.

I’m so pleased I never imagine my DD to be a best friend for life - she’s 11 and would tell you het school mates are her best friends. Which is absolutely the right thing. She needs me to be her mum not her mate, children yearn for boundaries (they might not show it but they do) and that’s an easy one to do.

My 7yo DS would tell you I’m his best friend as he’s a bit of mummy’s boy and very good for my self esteem! I often look like a bag of shit and he tells me I’m beautiful and the best mum ever. My DD would say “You’re alright I guess” 🤣 they both go against this stereotype the OP has and I would t change them for the world:

The OP says nothing about dress up or nails. She wanted a daughter so gloating about your awesome daughter to a pregnant lady with mental health issues who is obviously in distress is just plain cruel.

Because whenever a woman desperately wants a girl it’s not because she prefers a particular set of genitals but because stereotypes have been placed around girls. I’m not sure what they use is in pretending otherwise

Also @BeardieWeirdie wasnt boasting at all she was saying how wonderful having children who don’t conform to gender norms can be. It might be good for the OP to take this on board

There are countless posts on MN from people (mainly women) who are NC with their mothers, or have extremely difficult relationships with them, due to their mother’s bad mental stability. It’s certainly no guarantee that if OP had a girl everything would be rosy. I truly hope she can get the help she needs because my heart goes out to any child who is not loved just for being the wrong sex.

The poster who said they’re not interested in having a boy, poor child, what a horrible thing to say. All children deserve to be loved. Think how the world would be a very different place if every child was loved and cared about.

I suppose what I worry about is if the OP is in any a better mental state than she was when she went through the tough decision of terminating her last pregnancy. I know you’ve made lots of effort OP so I do hope you feel more mentally fit and can push through to the end

I’m not gloating - doesn’t every decent mum think their children are awesome? My littlest is all about pink and unicorns, and guess what, I think she rocks too. My point is some women build up this fantasy of what having a daughter is going to be like that might bear no resemblance to the reality. My question is genuine, as is my desire that she seeks more effective help.

My grans best friend always wanted a daughter but ended up having three sons (who then all went on to have boys) we know she always wanted a daughter because she mentioned it ALL the time. I felt sorry for her sons but no amount of telling her how lucky she was did any good.

However this person's mum died in childbirth so I wonder now if that was linked and she was trying to emulate something she had lost and thought she could do that by having a daughter.

Reading this thread and some people’s (not the OP’s, OP is obviously an exceptionally rare case) attitude towards having a particular sex makes me think that ultrasounds should only ever be for medical purpose and not a “gender scan”. All these stupid gender reveals don’t help either. Such damaging messages

If someone who did ‘desperately’ want a girl and got one, could say the reasons why, I’d be genuinely interested.

Perhaps OP could say why it was so important to her.

I understand your feelings Op, but gently, I think you’re fixation on this is a symptom of your mental health struggles generally. Talk to your gp or midwife, see if you can get some help.

I have 3 boys, and after number 2, I must admit a big part of my wanting a third was the hope we might have a daughter. I had several miscarriages on that journey including a second trimester loss of a girl, which was so hard. When I was finally pregnant with my third son, I also had the nipt test and remember the moment I read ‘male’ on the email, and I did feel a great sadness. I do empathise with you. But my third boy is an absolute joy, a smiley happy loving baby who has brought light to our lives! And now I love being a ‘boy mum’ and although I do sometimes still think about ‘what if I had a daughter’ it feels like an abstract concept, if you see what I mean. The 3 little boys I have are individual people, they’re just not a ‘gender’.

You will have your little boy and fall in love instantly. I too suffer from severe anxiety and know how debilitating it can be so I do feel for you. One lives in the future and can’t appreciate the present.
However as others have said, you cannot let this affect your relationship with your son.
I wanted a girl but as my only pregnancy progressed, was perfectly happy to have a son. “It” was even christened Lily/Billy in the womb because those were the names we had chosen.
Don’t let this ruin what should be the happiest time in your life.

Given the state of MH services at the moment, if OP is having NHS therapy ‘more effective help’ will be difficult and lengthy to secure.

I don’t think OP is coming back. Can’t say as I blame her.

For what it’s worth - I was a bit freaked out when I found out my first was a boy not a girl (not to the extent you are but still I had a preference as I felt I understood the role of being a solo mum to a little girl better). However, my son is a completely delight and so amazing - you will find the reward of a child in reality is transformationally different to the one you imagined and I’m sure will quickly overtake the love you felt for the imagined daughter. Look after yourself and be patient - he will amaze you.