Why are woman made to feel guilty for desiring a particular gender?

[Milliegirl25]

My whole life I have wished for a daughter. I know it sounds crazy but since I was a little girl I've felt like I've known her. I've dreamt about her, wrote stories about her, spent years coming up with a beautiful, meaningful name, and once I decided on the name I would write it out over and over, I would paint it, draw it, type it. Just because I was so proud of it and couldn't wait until the day I could proudly give it to my future daughter. I am currently pregnant. Like a lot of woman I have been through a lot to get to this point. I suffer with a severe anxiety disorder that has effected me my whole life, not only mentally but it also causes a host of unexplained physical symptoms. Two years ago I had a miscarriage, following that I got pregnant again. I suffered with such severe anxiety during those first few weeks I couldn't function. Tried to access support but felt under pressure due to the limited amount of time I had to make a decision. In the end my partner and I decided to terminate. I have lived with guilt as a result of my decision everyday since and have never been able to forgive myself. I worked incredibly hard and put in a lot of time, effort and money to ensure my next pregnancy wouldn't be the same. I have been seeing a perinatal psychiatrist for over two years now to support my mental health for the next pregnancy, I take medication, I exercised daily, changed my diet, got all the prenatal testing done, read books, listened to podcasts and did everything in my power to support myself to ensure this pregnancy would be successful. We even started the IVF process as it took us over a year to concieve, but luckily just as we started, we concieved naturally. Anyway despite all the work and preparation I put into this pregnancy, one thing I didn't completely consider is the possibility of not having a daughter. I know it's 50/50 but my entire life I have felt the presence of my "daughter" and just felt in my heart that for once in my life things might actually fall into place, and I might finally get my lifelong dream.
Well that wasn't the case. Two days ago I got my NIPT results back and it said male. The way I have been feeling since this news has completely taken me off guard. I mean this pregnancy has not been easy mentally so far. I'm 12 weeks and have needed a lot of mental health support for my anxiety, and have been working incredibly hard to make it through each day. But when I got the news that I wouldn't be having a daughter the pain has been completely unbearable. I will not be able to have another chance, due to my anxiety disorder. So this means I will never have the daughter that I dreamed of my whole life. I thought to myself as long as the baby if healthy, I would cope, but am shocked at how I have reacted. I know I come across as ungrateful and that's what hurts. Woman sacrifice so much physically and mentally to have a child. But when they express their desires (in this case for a particular gender), they are made to feel selfish, ungrateful or that they shouldn't be a parent if they aren't happy with the gender they are given. Anything else in life (a home, something we save up for, a career etc) we work hard and as a result we desire a particular outcome and if we don't get it, it can be upsetting. This is similar but woman aren't supported if they are upset over not having their dream of a daughter/son fulfilled. There's so much judgement online in this situation.
I just feel so disconnected from this pregnancy now. I have had to work hard for a lot of things in my life (as we all do) but this pregnancy has been something I have worked for 24/7 for over two years, and at the end of it, I will never get my longed for daughter.
I cannot stop crying. I'm grieving for someone that never existed, and feeling like an absolute awful person for not just letting my dream go and being grateful for what I have.
Since I found out every minute has been unbearable. I don't know where to go from here. The thought of living my whole life without filling that empty space in my heart that's been waiting for a daughter since I was a little girl, is absolutely unbearable.

If you have read this far, thankyou. Please no negative judgement. I already feel like an awful person, I don't need anyone else to tell me. Thanks, for reading.

All parents I've known always wish for a healthy child. If you have 3 boys/girls it's normal to want a different gender .....but again we all want a healthy child first and most.

The OP's post is unnerving. All she speaks about is herself, her MH issues and her dream of a daughter to fulfil all the expectations she wants from the child. Even with IVF she doesn't seem to grasp how lucky she's to be pregnant - her obsession for a daughter and the expectations of what that daughter will bring to her life, is clouding the reality of what a pregnancy and bringing up a child, of whatever sex, is about.

I genuinely don't think her MH issues are compatible with bringing up a child - male or female.

It might be a good idea to find an additional source of counselling, therapy or coaching, it could be really helpful to reframe your thoughts if your current therapy hasn't led to any progress. A few things that occurred to me:
Actually, in other areas of life we don't necessarily get what we want just because we worked towards it! Plenty of people work hard and save up but can't afford a house; plenty of people get passed over for jobs or promotions for reasons outside their control. It may help you to realise that following all the steps and still not getting the outcome you hoped for is just a part of human experience.
In those examples admittedly, you usually have more alternatives whereas your child is your child, but there are millions of ways that a daughter could be, and millions of ways a son could be - like people are saying, it isn't the case that a daughter would fix your life and a son won't. I know several men who are lovely, kind, sweet and have close healthy relationships with their mums; I also know several women who are awful to their mums, or who have strained or distant relationships with them. And even if becoming a mum is everything you dreamed of, it would still be really important to find ways to feel happier in your life outside of motherhood.

It's inadequate and enabling therapy she has had so far

@Rosscameasdoody yup, gender disappointment is real.

@Penguinmouse meh, it's my life and I'm allowed an opinion about it. I'm not saying I won't love the child, I'm not saying I won't want it. I'm just saying my life would be easier with a second girl. As I responded to a pp, having another girl would mean they could share a room long term so I could stay in the house I love and would mean I could reuse a lot of the clothes I had for my first. As such, if I could choose, I'd have a girl so my natural interest is in having a girl, not a boy. If it's a boy then hooray for new experiences but I'm okay with having a preference 🤷‍♀️

I knew this would be about am unwanted unborn baby boy.

I can imagine the clinician nodding as she says how awful it would be to have to raise one of those nasty menfolk.

This. I think a lot of people empathise with your situation to some extent. That's why some are trying to offer comfort and reassurance. The joy from having a child is like no other. I always wanted a girl and last year I was blessed to have a wonderful child who happened to be a girl. But given all the challenges that came with pregnancy I can say that I would have been just as blessed to have had a boy, even though I had always desired in my heart to have a girl. Your priority right now should be to overcome the anxiety that is obviously crippling you. You can do this. It's hard work but you, like most, deserve a life of peace so it's worth fighting for. Not just for you but the lovely child you will soon bring into this world.

Was really sad reading your post OP, I actually think it's really brave to post in such a vulnerable and candid way, I can imagine it must be really difficult to talk about this in real life without feeling judged.

I can kind of relate to this with how I used to feel, I never had a relationship with my own mother so growing up I dreamt of having a "mother/daughter" relationship with my own child and being able to be a part of that special dynamic that I never really got to experience. My family largely had girls so when I became pregnant at 36 with my first I assumed I would have a girl too, and it knocked me for six when I found out it was a boy. Like you, I'd already had a girl's name picked out, had a load of baby girl clothes already in my basket waiting to check out, and I just couldn't seem to get my head around it.

I can only speak from my own experience but I can tell you that the more time went by, I started to imagine a little boy who was a mini me of my lovely partner, all the joy that a baby would bring regardless of their gender, and I started a new type of excitement and started to become so happy and excited at the thought of a cheeky little boy. So by the time he was born and I held him for the first time, my god I burst into tears and felt so overwhelmed with love for him that I couldn't even remember a time when I'd hoped he'd be a girl! He's nearly one now and the most amazing little thing I have ever had the privilege of loving. My mindset changed so much that here I am now, pregnant with my second (and last!), secretly hoping this one is a boy too! Although I now know from experience that I will feel the exact same love regardless.

My advice to you is to try not to lean too much into the negativity and all the things you had pictured, and picture new exciting times and how wonderful it will be to have a beautiful baby boy to love and become the most important person in the world to.

I would continue with your therapy and trust that by the time your little one is here, he will be the most amazing thing in your life. Sending you lots of luck xxx

It isn’t. It’s about a very vulnerable mother to be with mental health problems, who is experiencing overwhelming gender disappointment. With the right support she will love her baby boy as soon as she meets him.

This
I am very worried about your thoughts OP and your baby's future. You clearly need urgent emotional support. The whole contents of your post worry me. Wanting a daughter your whole life (that u haven't yet met) is full of red flags.
I'm not in a position to give you any advice, you clearly need professional help

Her mental health problems go much further than a gender disappointment. Read slowly her OP again.

This poster wasn’t quoting the OP. At no point in her post did OP say she was not really interested in having a boy. It was about the disappointment of not being able to have a girl.

This girl child in your head wouldn’t exist even if you had a girl. This child should not be here to play a role, a character you have written and rehearsed in your head for years.

It is quite normal to initially hope for one sex over another, for a day or two I hoped my first would be a girl. Once I was told it was a boy I was fine and immediately focused on him rather than a fictitious her. I now have two boys (no girls) and love (and like) them more than anything in this world. My niece on the other hand was surly, grumpy and tbh not enjoyable to be around (sorry niece, she’s all grown up now and fine).

Please love your child. Sons are amazing. Mine are loving, caring, affectionate, funny and can be so much fun to be around.

OP, it’s good that you’re not having a girl. You have built this fictional daughter in your head and she would never have been the same and your relationship would have been doomed from the start.

You never know what child you’re going to get, and I mean in terms of personality and temperament, not sex.

I have one of each. My DD looks a lot like me and we share much of the same interests and have the same temperament. We are very close but due to our similarities, we clash a lot. My DS on the other hand just “gets” me. He knows instinctively how I’m feeling and vice versa. We just click. Probably because he’s very like his father.

You are venturing into the unknown by having a baby, and that can be scary, but just take a day at a time. You will get the child you get and you will adore them regardless of who they are.

There are mental health issues, and then there are severe and enduring mental illnesses. Not only do you genetically increase the chance of your child inheriting some conditions, the fact that your mental health is unstable damages their emotional development.

So you impact your child through nature and nurture.

I didn't say, though, did I?

To refresh your selectively short memory, I actually said: I judge you as I judge both my Mother and me: women with severe and enduring MH disorders having children.

Don’t need to read it again ‘slowly’ thanks. At no point have l said her gender disappointment is the only issue and l’ve acknowledged across several posts what appear to be significant MH problems.

OP, ignore the harsh comments on this thread. Your thoughts and feelings are yours and yours alone. It's okay to feel how you need to feel.

It's your actions that matter more. Spend the rest of your pregnancy coming to terms with this, and talk in therapy about how you can parent your boy without it affecting him. He deserves a mum who will love him no matter what. Kids pick up on things.

I promise you though, it won't matter when he's here. I had a vague preference for a girl (and did have one), but honestly it wouldn't have mattered. Your baby doll be the love of your life. I was so overwhelmed with this when I met my baby that it didn't matter.

Also, sex is just genitals. Everything else is societal construct. Your future relationship will depend on how you love and nurture your lovely boy.

I think it’s because when you boil it down, sex is about what genitals they have. After that it’s up to you how you parent. All the things you looked forward to with a daughter CAN happen with a son unless you’re REALLY wedded to gender stereotypes. You also might consider that if you had a daughter she may not be the person you expected - my own DD has always bucked against the girly stereotype. Similarly, you may or may not get the instant love with either a girl or a boy, so I think you just need to block out the expectations you’ve had because they almost never turn out the way you want/expect anyway.

The issue here is your very acute MH issues - which I’m pleased you’re managing because as I’m sure you know when your son is born you risk them worsening. I would say focus on the pregnancy and keeping yourself well and do not make decisions based on emotions of the day.

Good luck OP.

I don't think you can equate working hard for other outcomes such as a house a car a career or even a relationship with having a child. A child is a human being and your connection to your child is like no other. The best outcome would be that when your son is born you will be so overwhelmed by your feelings for him, your longing for a daughter will cease. As other posters have said getting fixated on the sex of a child is going to result in disappointment 50/50. You say in your op that you have had therepy, did you manage through therepy to identify why having a girl an obsession to you? I hope everything works out for you.

I don’t think so. She’s stated she can’t have another baby due to her anxiety. She terminated one already. So why is this baby different?

if she can cope with this one she can cope with another. But she’s purposely trying to lean into her despair and declare this boy the end of the world.

the reality is that this woman is VERY unwell and needs urgent help. Not weekly therapy.

Even the behaviour over the imaginary daughter’s name - writing it over and over and making stories up about her - this is so not typical or healthy.

babies quickly become toddlers who have their own personalities and test your patience at every chance they get. Then they grow up and become kids then adults who do the same. There was no way any child would ever live up to this.

Op is not functioning in a healthy way and may or may not have some undiagnosed personality disorder (this all sounds way beyond even extreme anxiety).

this isn’t about gender disappointment either. To even address this as some sort of gender disappointment is absolutely missing the point in a dangerous way.

op is trying to ask us this as a way of bargaining with the universe - hey women desire houses and cars, that’s fine so why not this? Because this is not a choice thing. and it can’t be changed no matter how many people sympathise with you.

i would be sure she also believes the babies she lost were girls and I’m very concerned this boy will be on the receiving end of this “grass is greener” belief system.

honestly some serious intervention is needed and for the sake of this child she needs to try to do it. Urgently. Tell medical professionals the truth and allow safety systems to be put in place for this child.

Well OP you are going to be a parent either way now and are going to have to start thinking less about about what YOU want and start thinking about the child.

You're going need to shift focus and get on top of your anxiety issues.

Exactly this! Thank you.

I love my children more than anything and I know I do my absolute best for them.

But, I've got lifelong mental health conditions, severe and enduring.

So, I can never regret my children, as they're bloody lovely, but I regret having them for their sake (likely, an oxymoron).

IMO people are telling the OP she will be overwhelmed with love for her little boy are saying so because that’s what they want to believe, some of it based on personal experience, and most of it based on everyone’s experience of having a baby full stop.

But I think it’s fairly evident that this isn’t going to be the case. The OP has already terminated one pregnancy because she couldn’t cope with the emotion of it all. She has stated that the first twelve weeks of this pregnancy has been hard, and now that she has had the results she is devastated because she won’t be able to go through another pregnancy in order to get her dream girl.

We see plenty of posts on here from OP’s whose DH’s are overlooked in favour of SIL who is the golden child. We all like to think that everyone is overwhelmed with love for their boy but we know that this absolutely is not the case. It’s pretty obvious that if the OP was able to get pregnant again and had a girl, her boy would be completely discarded.

The OP has been having therapy for the past two years, I suspect more to cope with the anxiety of being pregnant, and I imagine the dream of the perfect daughter may never even have. Actually emerged.

But the pregnancy is here now. The OP needs to piss or get off the pot. Either get a grip and accept that this is a boy and that the girl was never going to happen anyway in the way she’d imagined, or consider seriously whether she really does want a baby. Because tbh it doesn’t sound as if she does. She wants a daughter. And she’s not getting a daughter.

I don’t necessarily think it’s wise to suggest someone have a termination,, but having said that, we do suggest that people terminate unwanted pregnancies. And this is an unwanted pregnancy.