Should I tell midwife that my father is a pedophile TW

[Lifeisanillusion]

Hello,
A couple of years ago I found out that my dad was looking at sexual images of children on the internet. I was living at home at the time and he has always been abusive so I reported him to the police and moved out, the police said they would look into it but nothing happened.

My sister has recently told me that my mum has caught my dad looking out of the window at the neighbors children and sexually pleasing himself. I have reported the incident to crimestoppers. My mum still lives at home but my mum suffers from severe agoraphobia and is scared to leave on her own.

I have recently found out that I am pregnant so I am now terrified after finding out this information. I have my first midwife appointment tomorrow and I am not sure whether to tell them what's been going on? Would social services end up being involved? I do not have contact with my dad.

Thank you

'Paedophile' is not the legal term. People don't get convicted of paedophilia, they get convicted of child sexual abuse. So the issue of conviction is not the relevant one. And truly none of us should be splitting hairs over establishing whether her father's sexual attraction to children is a primary or main one, to make the term absolutely correct from a diagnostic perspective.

OP, I would discuss this with your midwife primarily in order to receive the support you are entitled to in dealing with such a heavy issue - both in terms of security and safety for your child, in terms of your father and correlating issue of your mother's proximity - but also support or signposting to support for yourself and your mental well-being in processing and trying to come to terms with this impact on yourself too.

Wishing you all the best with a healthy pregnancy ahead - you are a very strong person indeed.

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I didn't say she was committing a crime. You're bringing in another angle now.

What I'm pointing out is that if she wants to discuss this with a midwife, there is no evidence at the moment. Only her word.

To be labelled as a paedophile, you have to be convicted or at least awaiting trial based on evidence.

I wouldn't say a word, just keep your child well away and / or never leave them unsupervised with him.

Social services would just cause stress you don't need in your life and are unlikely to give you any particular support as their resources are so stretched.

I'm sorry you find yourself in this situation.

Your behaviour now seems to stem from the fact that you are having a baby yourself.

If your father is out of your life, what is to be gained by reporting him?
You've done it once and nothing happened.
Your mum isn't backing you up.

I can fully see how you want him caught and charged, but the police need to act- why didn't they before?

It would be an uphill struggle to get any conviction but if you want to do that be prepared for the stress.

Why does she need to know tho?? If you have no contact with him she doesn't need to know!

Why would the midwife need to know, if he is not convicted and you are no contact.
I don't know what she could do or not do that would make any difference.

However I would try again to report it, he may have gotten sloppy with covering his tracks since he's got away with it before. His computer should be taken my police.

And absolutely make a Will as if anything happens to you - you would not want baby being cared for my your parents or anyone connected to your parents.

So sorry for you. Did he ever do anything to you? You can report things now even if it was years and years ago.

Yes OP I would mention it. Report your dad again to the police. Have no contact with your parents.

No, since you are not having contact, I would advise not report it. You are an adult and not living with your father and presumably have no intention of seeing him or allowing either him or your mother to babysit. At least I highly presume you will not be so unwise as to allow mum to see child in their house especially unsupervised!

I say don't say anything because whilst things may go well, there's always the odd case of an overreaction. I can only go by my experience which was negative.

If you're not living with him and have no contact with him then I don't really think they need to be told? But I think they would be supportive of you. It's not like they'll say you can't keep the baby as you don't live with him or speak to him anymore.
Your mum needs to kick him out. If the police haven't done anything off the back of the report you made and the crimestoppers thing then you should contact them again about him. He needs to be punished. Could you mum speak to women's aid? I know she's not well and it must be hard but she needs to get rid of him.

I am not sure why, I just never heard anything from them after reporting it

Why would you HAVE to tell the midwife?

Even going to a midwife appointment is completely optional.

What risk is there to your baby if you are zero contact?

I would only disclose if I was seeking extra support or help they may be able to provide.

My mum has been in touch with Rise in the past and they got the police to put a safeguarding thing on the house so if they were ever called about domestic abuse, they would come straight away. But I am not sure she is in contact with them anymore

they will be very forceful and cause a huge amount of distress rather than being supportive

THIS x 10000.

Don't invite them into your life unnecessarily.

@Lifeisanillusion I hope she can get back onto that Rise thing. It sounds like she's really vulnerable. I hope things improve for her. Congratulations on your pregnancy btw x

Yes he was abusive to me and my sister but I do not remember any sexual abuse mostly mental and emotional

I’m on the fence on this, if you and your baby have no contact with your dad all my instincts tell me you shouldn’t mention it to the midwife. Your child might end up on some ‘at risk’ register with SS by over zealous jobs’ worths.

However, if it comes out later at some point, could you be in trouble for not disclosing it?

This is really sad. I think many of us that have no first hand experience are assuming support would be forthcoming and possibly suggesting talking about it from that perspective. I'm so sorry that's not been the case.

OP like many threads this one is getting very derailed by people being ridiculously pedantic. They're nitpicking about what you can/can't call him blah blah blah so the real issues are being overlooked.

Firstly, your only option to fully safeguard this child is to allow your dad absolutely no contact with your child and that definitely includes no pictures/videos. If CP ever did become involved they would take a dim view if you have allowed any contact. Social services probably won't care how you label him. Also, it isn't a requirement for him to have convictions for them to deem him a risk. The convictions are for the police to worry about. CP's single focus is the level of risk to your child and with what you're reporting I really think they'd deem the risk as high. Keep him away from your child no ifs no buts. Mum will have to find a way of getting out of the house if she wants contact and I'd set a strict no photo sharing rule with her whilst she's still with this man.

ITO whether you tell the MW I don't think there's a right or wrong. Yes it might be flagged to ss but if it is they would just expect you to do the above. If you're doing this anyway then there's really minimal risk to the baby so no need for them to know. What they won't like is if it comes to light (say because he is finally convicted) and it turns out you knew and were allowing contact anyway. That really would raise red flags.

Take it from someone with first hand experience; families (and sometimes the authorities) are f'ing idiots when it comes to this sort of thing. Take responsibility for your own child's safety and don't let anyone gaslight you or minimalise things.

OP has caught him looking at sexual images of children online. Even if he has not been convicted, that makes him a paedophile and OP has every right to call him one.

They literally gave me PND and ruined my bond with my baby.

Same.

you have contact with your mum though how oes that work if she doesnt leave the house

No, you reported him to the police and then moved out. It's up to the Police and COS what they do with the information.

I don't think you need to tell anyone and in your shoes, I wouldn't want others to know.

Presumably you don't intend having any contact with him so your child is not in any danger.

On paper you’re right.
But that sort of attitude is exactly why there are so many men who are walking around free and unbothered even though they are rapists (under age or not)

But the OP has told the police already. There needs to be some evidence, unfortunately, which requires the mother talking.