Should I tell midwife that my father is a pedophile TW

[Lifeisanillusion]

Hello,
A couple of years ago I found out that my dad was looking at sexual images of children on the internet. I was living at home at the time and he has always been abusive so I reported him to the police and moved out, the police said they would look into it but nothing happened.

My sister has recently told me that my mum has caught my dad looking out of the window at the neighbors children and sexually pleasing himself. I have reported the incident to crimestoppers. My mum still lives at home but my mum suffers from severe agoraphobia and is scared to leave on her own.

I have recently found out that I am pregnant so I am now terrified after finding out this information. I have my first midwife appointment tomorrow and I am not sure whether to tell them what's been going on? Would social services end up being involved? I do not have contact with my dad.

Thank you

I would be going back to the police and filing a complaint.

sick people like this do not change their habits or sick preferences and if the police were to confiscate his phone/laptop etc I’m 99% sure there would be evidence of what he has been up to.

not reporting it is condoning what he is doing and contributing to the awful world of child sexual abuse online.

Yeah, surely you can if he is? I mean a paedophile is someone who is attracted to young children, whether or not they've been convicted doesn't change that.

If you're never going to see your father or let him have anything at all to do with you or the baby then no, I wouldn't tell the midwife.

Well you can't truthfully call him a "convicted paedophile" (yet).

But you can truthfully call him a paedophile because he is one.

Absolutely this.

I am usually very much of the “innocent until proven guilty in court” approach but given what has literally been witnessed here it is very fair to call him exactly what he is.

Yes, please tell your midwife about this. I disclosed to my midwife historic (and ongoing) emotional abuse by my mum, and she was very supportive. She recommended I get in touch with the police and/or social services and make a document listing as much of my history with my mum as I could remember, all of which could prove useful in the future (i.e. evidence that I’ve contacted the police about her behaviour, which they said constituted a safeguarding issue).

So sorry you’re going through this

I am sorry you have to deal with this.

I would report it to your midwife and tell her that you have reported him to the police and have no contact with him. I would want as many official people as possible to know about it so that if your parents ever try 'grandparents' rights of access to their grandchild' nonsense they'll be stopped in their tracks. I would get copies of your reports to the police if you can, and I second a previous poster's advice to put in your will that in the event of your death or incapacity your child is not to be given into your parents' care.

Why are you scared? You’ve presumably done what any decent person would and never see either your mother or father again so there is no risk to your child.

Maybe you need to break this down into 2 different scenarios?

1 You think your father is attracted to young children so you tell the police for the 'good' of society. (But unless they catch him or take his computer, what will they find?) You've already done that and nothing's happened.

2 You are worried about access to your baby by him in which case you cut contact and don't tell the police.

IME midwives usually take mums aside for a 'chat' , away from a partner if he's present, which is an opportunity to discuss circumstances at home, such as emotional or physical abuse. You may find the midwife does this and gives you the chance to speak out.

But it's hearsay. That isn't evidence. The police would need to find their own evidence to prosecute.

I'm so sorry you are going through this.

Does your Mum's agoraphobia mean that you can only see her by visiting your parents' house? On here, "no contact" has quite an elastic meaning - do you literally never set eyes on/speak to/enter the same building as your father?

It’s the OP’s father, not the baby’s.

Op I wouldn’t tell the midwife but I would keep away from him.

Of course you can call him a paedophile just because he hasn’t been charged doesn’t mean he isn’t one. Just like the man I saw stealing from the co-op on Saturday, he won’t be charged but he’s still a thief and not someone I’d associate with. Or the bloke I saw in town selling drugs, he’s still a dealer, just not a convicted drug dealer.

I’m not sure I would bother

if you are NC with your parents and the authorities know about him and have done bugger all, I don’t think I see the point.

This is very good advice !

I would probably be upfront about it because in the event that your father is (hopefully) convicted social services might come and talk to you. At that point and you can say that you’ve always been upfront about your knowledge of your fathers crimes and you told your midwife and also reported him to the police.

Unfortunately if you still have contact with your mum I would be cutting her off too. She is very sadly complicit in his actions given that she is aware and is doing nothing.

Why?

Would social services end up being involved?
Yes and despite what some posters have said above, from experience of a colleague who has similar, they will be very forceful and cause a huge amount of distress rather than being supportive. You will also have to declare that social service involvement for anything in the future which carries a stigma.

I do not have contact with my dad.
Presumably your child never will have any contact with your father or contact with your mother, so there will never be a risk?

Sorry to hear what you've obviously going through in recent years.

Yes, you can put a letter alongside your Will stating that under no circumstances is your baby to meet/be in the same room as your father If you're thinking of a guardian, obviously think how this impacts them if it someone from your side of the family and perhaps discuss with them. You could have two guardians, stating that your baby lives with one but the other is to be consulted on decisions (ie, baby could live with in-laws, but a member of your family still has guardianship). We did something similar.

I would disclose it in the interest of being up front about it, but make it explicitly clear that you are no contact. You may have a visit from a social worker possibly but I would be hoping for support and advice about how to handle this situation with a young child, how can you make sure he never sees them even in photos. Hopefully they would be able to help you with some support.

It's disgusting that the police did nothing! I would push it further when you have the energy with the police. Was he abusive to you and your sister? It's also horrific that your mum is still with him and living with him. You can't trust her either :(

She can because she caught him being a pedophile!!!!. She saw it with her own eyes!!!

OP caught him looking at photos of kids, her mum caught him wanking while looking at kids.

That is more than enough evidence for me to personally say I would not want him around my child, and it’s enough that OP has reported both instances to the police.

OP isn’t talking about whether this is enough to prosecute in court, only whether it is worrying enough to mention to midwife- the answer to that is a resounding YES.

I think she can. Op personally I think if you have no contact and know you definitely won't have any contact with him I don't see why you would need to tell your midwife about it or what she would do with that information.
Unless you feel you need help to deal with what's happened or his past abuse? You could try to access therapy this way.
You're under no obligation to tell your midwife this information though.

She is not committing any crime by calling him a pedophile. He could sue her for defamation but he won't, will he

Do you know why the Police didn’t do anything after you told them about the images? They do take information like that very seriously and would have seized his tech for forensics.

At the moment it is only your word against his but it should be easy to get evidence if he has been looking at indecent images.

I would tell the midwife as you reported him yourself, even if your NC.