Partner wants a boys holiday not long after baby is born

[SnowWhite333]

My partner and I have been together for 4yrs and are currently pregnant. Baby due jan 25. He recently joined a football club and found they have an annual holiday late feb where they go away for a week. He wants to go. When discussing our leave he mentioned he would need to hold a week back for that and I asked if he’s remembered we will have a 6wk new baby by then. I don’t think he had thought of it. His reply was “so are u saying u don’t want me to go” and I said it was up to him and it’s not been mentioned since.

He brought it up again this weekend though and told me another footballers partner doesn’t mind him going so soon after their baby is born. He seems to be saying the only reason he can’t go is because I won’t let him which isn’t the case I’ve not said that.

I have pointed out with a new baby he should be considering that.

Any thoughts as to how I should manage this? He’s either going to go and leave me with a new baby or else blame me he can’t go.

@SnowWhite333 I would see this as setting the tone for your parenting obligations moving forward, and discuss it as part of a larger conversation i.e. over the next few years, what's acceptable to you both in terms of leaving each other as solo parents for a week or so at a time.

Try turning the tables - would he find it reasonable if you left him to care for a 6 week old by himself for a week? probably not! My partner and I had a good conversation that trips away weren't to be planned until I said I felt confident and comfortable caring for baby solo (I was breastfeeding, so accepted that trips away from myself would be limited). First trip away was just a night to see how I felt, and most my partner has been away is 4 night I think, and that was for work.

Looking after a newborn is HARD and you need a partner whose going to support you in those initial weeks. You don't know what kind of birth you're going to have, and how you'll cope with that initial hormone crash etc.

I'd word it more that you're not saying no to the trip. You're saying no to the expectation that YOU are the default parent. Set the tone and expectations you have of him as a parent now :)

You told him it was up to him so he thinks it's up to him.

What is true though is that you can't forbid him just like he can't stop you from doing anything. That's not what relationships are about.

You've got to tell him how you really feel! Tell him your worries, whatever they are, with coping with a newborn solo. Maybe write it down first so you have specifics. Some women will say they'll be fine, I wouldn't like it but this is about you. It would be perfectly valid to have a several reasons why this is a bad idea. Give him those reasons and let him decide.

You don't know how you're going to feel and what type of baby you'll have. I think a week is too long. If it were me then I'd prob be happy with 3 nights and I'd have asked my mum/ sister to come for a visit, which they would've loved so they could spend time with the baby without my dh there. But my dh would not have gone if I wasn't going to wave him off happily.

Ahh how lovely that he plans on a bonding week away with his child while you put your feet up and recover.

No? Not what he meant? So a child that may only be 4 weeks old if you go overdue, might have medical issues, you might need a c section and be quite immobile etc. I would be more understanding if it was necessary for his work, but this is just a jolly. One that he will plan on doing every year by the sounds of it, which leaves less time for family and time off when child is ill, school holidays etc. I would be steaming if he tried this on me.

What if you go overdue and the baby is only 4 weeks? What if you go overdue and have a c section and you can’t drive or anything for 6 weeks and he’s leaving after 4. Also why would he want to leave his newborn baby and recovering partner if he doesn’t have to.

I wouldn’t have stopped him or said no either op, but I’d point out that you clearly can’t go anywhere and he wouldn’t appreciate if you did. However it’s entirely up to him what he wants to do.
if he books it, I’d assume this was an indication of how he plans to parent and how he plans to be a ‘partner’ and I’d make my plans accordingly.

Absolute no no for me!!

Have u said to him 6 weeks post birth you don't know how you are going to be feeling or coping?

I suppose also though do you have any support!? I don't! I have no family around me at all I live in Nottingham they are in Cornwall! So if he went off I'd literally have nobody

Your partner is a selfish twat.

Give the baby your surname.

This really doesn't bode well.

I agree with other posters above

His choice but it sets the tone for parenting.

Ask him who he expects to be looking after the child for the week he is away. He will reply you....so advise him you'll be away the week after (or before) and he will need to look after his child.
Ask him if he can take aby away with him - a ridiculous request of course, but so is his request.

If he wants to go, start planning your trip away while he has baby!

It's not fair on you or baby OP. He can go next year.

I expect he will feel different when baby is born!

I'm assuming this is both of your first baby op? I do think it can be harder for some men to connect with the reality that there is going to be an actual baby with all the work that goes along with that, as quickly as most women seem to be able to. I know dh is pretty good in general and he always talks about what a game change it was for him when he felt ds moving for the first time - it made it feel real. So that I can kind of understand, but the bit that would worry me is that he should have an understanding of what the first few months will be like.

You're on here, presumably reading up and getting tips etc, what research has your partner actually done to prepare himself for what having a baby is actually like? For what parenting a newborn is actually like? So much focuses on the mum and specifically labour so he needs to go away and inform himself so he can be the support you need him to be. I'd also want him to read up on the mental load and really think about how he's going to pull his weight in your home and be an equal partner.

There's certain things you can prepare for when you have a baby - pack the bags, arrange some support, batch cook etc. But things I wasn't prepared for was the power of hormones and how vulnerable I felt, the impact of sleep deprivation on cognitive function and that you really do walk around in a daze for a long time. Plus you've no idea how smoothly your birth will go. I had a planned section and it was a wonderful experience and all went to plan but dh went back to work in week 3 and I pulled stitches trying to lift ds in his car seat at an appointment. Doing too much can set you back in recovery. I also wasn't prepared for the intensity of it..I breastfed and again we were generally lucky that went well, but ds fed on and off for 9hrs a day some days. So that took over cooking eating cleaning etc so dh had to step up and support me by doing those things so in could focus on establishing feeding. Ds was colicky and cried for 2 hrs every night from 8-10 and all dh and I could do was swap over every 30 mins so neither of us was overwhelmed.

Don't get me wrong, I'd do it all again in a heartbeat and I have lots of wonderful memories of that time too, but it is intense and you've no idea really if you'll be impacted by ppa or ppd. Really- if he was informed you'd like to think he'd decide for himself to stay and support you. So if he's generally a good partner then I'd say this is lack of awareness and I'd be telling him that he needs to step up and do his own research. This is your chance to lay it out for him that you may be pregnant and you may have the baby but he's got an equal share in the parenting from the second that baby arrives.

Tell him that's worked out well as you have a big birthday party the week after staying over. Will he manage? Of course you will pet the dc will be a week older than when I will be Home Alone with it...

Why is everyone talking about a 6 week old baby? Even if the baby is born on time, end feb would make that baby 4-5 weeks old. If the baby is born late - and more first babies are born late than on time/early - then conceivablty it will be no more than 2-3 weeks old.

I think that @2mumlife makes a good point that this is setting the tone. So is his base assumption that you are ALWAYS the default parent and have to do the "thinking" around this. He's a first time dad so perhaps he's not really aware of the relentlessness of a newborn yet, but I don't think you have to be a parenting guru to see that a newborn is likely to be a very intense period and that for him to disappear for a week is ridiculous.

I'd be telling him "No, I am not making this decision - I'm not stepping into the role of parent to two people because I've given birth to one. I am telling you that you need to think very carefully about the practicalities and the consequences of any decision you make here. What is your plan if the baby is just 2 weeks old and I have had to have an emergency c-section? Have you read anything about the toughness of those first few weeks in terms of establishing feeding (especially if BF) and lack of sleep and based on that, do you have any thoughts on the impact on me should you disappear for a week?"

And then you have to look at his response because I'm afraid to say that this IS setting the tone. if he cancels but blames you, mopes etc, then you may well have a much bigger problem that starts now.

OK, so if you said to him, that you'd want to go on a girl's weekend away, would he support that when your baby is 6 weeks old?
Have you actually asked him this?

C'mon, OP, reply to us.
What do you think?

My baby would have been a little over 4 weeks old, and my relationship over if he went.

he's living in a dream world. At that stage with my daughter, my partner was going out for football practice and a pint afterwards once a week, and that honestly felt like quite enough for both of us. Never in a million years would he have expected to leave us alone for days while he went on a jolly. It's not like leaving you home with a new kitten or something.

Also, it doesn't really matter what his friend would do in his situation, or what his friend's partner would feel. This is not about them. Your baby is going to be as young as 3-6 weeks old - maybe you will find it a total breeze and won't even need him but the likelihood is that you will need a lot of support, that you can't predict how it's going to be in your specific situation, and that therefore the default should be no lads trips until the two of you have found your feet.

If he doesn't realise what the newborn phase is like, he needs to educate himself asap. Either by reading some books, attending classes, or talking to other friends who have already experienced this. It's his baby too and he should be aiming to be an equal parent. He's likely to also be exhausted at that point, not champing at the bit for a sporty holiday!

Honestly I would say it's fine for him to go.

What you will learn about him as a person will be invaluable if you've had a c section, been unwell etc and he still goes on holiday leaving you like that to cope.

If you've had an easy birth and are feeling ok by six week postpartum you may relish time alone with just you and your baby.

He knows it's shit to go but he doesn't care because he's selfish and already decided the baby is your job.

He can go, don't give the baby his surname and plan to go back to work ASAP, start looking at childcare options now so you have a good idea of what will be available.

Personally I'd be having a termination, I'm not growing this pathetic man's seed, not worth it.

The fact he hasn't the cop on to say no straight away would be all I needed.

can men stoop much lower? This is utterly disgraceful and he should be ashamed at even considering it! wtf!

PPs are absolutely valid when they say your baby may only be 4 weeks old. I myself went overdue to 42 weeks with my first, had an EMCS and was in hospital for 3 days.

For my second child, especially as i had to have another section, my DH used his annual leave to take off extra paternity leave, not to bugger off on holiday.

It’s really sad that he wants to go tbh.

Do you even have any other family nearby that could stay with you if he did go?

I think you should show him this thread.

This is such bullshit.

Can he set the bar any lower for himself? If you accept this you are agreeing to accept absolute contempt for the rest of this relationship. Your planned for baby, your health, your labour are all of no more significance to him than a package he ordered from amazon that a neighbour can hold till its more convenient.

If you don’t agree he is going to pout, sulk, and fantasize about how great his life would be if he only had a cool, sexy, compliant gf like all his friends do.

I agree with giving the baby your surname, he is not really sounding like husband and father material.

The emotional blackmail about the other girlfriend just makes it much worse, what a douche. If he is making that decision, he needs to own it. His relationship with his child is for him to manage.

Yeah, I’d tell him he couldn’t go. And if he argues the toss like a spoilt baby that’s all you need to know.

I freaked out about my husband going away on a weekend trip when my second would be 5 weeks old. The idea was overwhelming to be my myself with a newborn and toddler. I discussed my feeling with him and he postponed the trip.
This is 100% the wrong time for your husband to be going on holiday for a week. I'll give him the benefit of the doubt in that he hasn't quite grasped what having a new and especially first baby is like.
This is when you'll need each other the most. Especially the first month where baby blues is common

I went camping four months after thre baby was born and left my partner to hold them fort. Bliss