Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Pregnancy

Talk about every stage of pregnancy, from early symptoms to preparing for birth.

Original poster

Partner wants a boys holiday not long after baby is born

122 replies

SnowWhite333 · 24/06/2024 10:45

My partner and I have been together for 4yrs and are currently pregnant. Baby due jan 25. He recently joined a football club and found they have an annual holiday late feb where they go away for a week. He wants to go. When discussing our leave he mentioned he would need to hold a week back for that and I asked if he’s remembered we will have a 6wk new baby by then. I don’t think he had thought of it. His reply was “so are u saying u don’t want me to go” and I said it was up to him and it’s not been mentioned since.

He brought it up again this weekend though and told me another footballers partner doesn’t mind him going so soon after their baby is born. He seems to be saying the only reason he can’t go is because I won’t let him which isn’t the case I’ve not said that.

I have pointed out with a new baby he should be considering that.

Any thoughts as to how I should manage this? He’s either going to go and leave me with a new baby or else blame me he can’t go.

OP posts:
BridgetD · 24/06/2024 14:39

It's not uncommon to go overdue with your first baby. It's also not that uncommon to have an unplanned/emergency C-section. Add in sleep deprivation and assume you'll be awake every 2 hours throughout the night.

It was 6 weeks before I could pick up my baby safely (after c section). Before that, dh or family member would pass baby to me. To think you could be alone with a 4-6 week old newborn for a WEEK is unthinkable really. Honestly, it would be at best really difficult, and at worst really dangerous.

MistyFrequencies · 24/06/2024 14:41

TargetPractice11 · 24/06/2024 12:30

Your partner is a selfish twat.

Give the baby your surname.

This really doesn't bode well.

This.

skyeisthelimit · 24/06/2024 14:46

I agree with PP, you could have a baby of 2-3 weeks old and be unable to drive etc.

This does set the tone going forward as PP mentioned. He is clearly not acknowledging the fact that life changes when you have children. It can't be all me me me then, he has to consider the whole family from now on.

Tell him if he goes, that you will be going away the week after while he looks after the baby. Fairs fair and all that.

QueenBitch666 · 24/06/2024 15:01

He's a selfish twat. I'd be ripping him a new one

Fishcake15 · 24/06/2024 15:03

SnowWhite333 · 24/06/2024 10:45

My partner and I have been together for 4yrs and are currently pregnant. Baby due jan 25. He recently joined a football club and found they have an annual holiday late feb where they go away for a week. He wants to go. When discussing our leave he mentioned he would need to hold a week back for that and I asked if he’s remembered we will have a 6wk new baby by then. I don’t think he had thought of it. His reply was “so are u saying u don’t want me to go” and I said it was up to him and it’s not been mentioned since.

He brought it up again this weekend though and told me another footballers partner doesn’t mind him going so soon after their baby is born. He seems to be saying the only reason he can’t go is because I won’t let him which isn’t the case I’ve not said that.

I have pointed out with a new baby he should be considering that.

Any thoughts as to how I should manage this? He’s either going to go and leave me with a new baby or else blame me he can’t go.

He will change is mind probably, he won't realise how hard it is having a newborn. Sometimes men don't realise they are having a baby fully until they are born.

LightDrizzle · 24/06/2024 15:06

Say you’ve thought about the football trip and you don’t want him to go.

Don’t fanny about with all the have you thought about x & y. He can’t argue with that but he could argue with x & y: your mum could stay to help/ his mum will stay and help/ it’s only x hours away and he could get back if needed … It’s enough that you don’t want him to go when you have a newborn. . When the time comes he’ll doubtless get it.

AsMyGranWouldSay · 24/06/2024 15:09

Even if you weren't pregnant, the whole not owning his decisions and putting the onus on you would worry me as a pretty worrying character flaw.

Codlingmoths · 24/06/2024 15:09

IdLikeToBeAFraser · 24/06/2024 12:46

Why is everyone talking about a 6 week old baby? Even if the baby is born on time, end feb would make that baby 4-5 weeks old. If the baby is born late - and more first babies are born late than on time/early - then conceivablty it will be no more than 2-3 weeks old.

I think that @2mumlife makes a good point that this is setting the tone. So is his base assumption that you are ALWAYS the default parent and have to do the "thinking" around this. He's a first time dad so perhaps he's not really aware of the relentlessness of a newborn yet, but I don't think you have to be a parenting guru to see that a newborn is likely to be a very intense period and that for him to disappear for a week is ridiculous.

I'd be telling him "No, I am not making this decision - I'm not stepping into the role of parent to two people because I've given birth to one. I am telling you that you need to think very carefully about the practicalities and the consequences of any decision you make here. What is your plan if the baby is just 2 weeks old and I have had to have an emergency c-section? Have you read anything about the toughness of those first few weeks in terms of establishing feeding (especially if BF) and lack of sleep and based on that, do you have any thoughts on the impact on me should you disappear for a week?"

And then you have to look at his response because I'm afraid to say that this IS setting the tone. if he cancels but blames you, mopes etc, then you may well have a much bigger problem that starts now.

All this really. And ‘if you go, you are establishing for our relationship that if you have a major operation or break a leg or get hit by a car, that I should take a weeks holiday a week or so after and leave you to it. It’s not like I’d be leaving you with a newborn to care for 24 hours a day.’

MrsTerryPratchett · 24/06/2024 15:12

If baby is due 25th January and the holiday is late-Feb, that makes the baby 4 weeks. My DD was almost three weeks late and a CS. A one week old, recovering from surgery, is possible.

I know one like this. He's allergic to looking after his own children and has never changed. Everyone, except his equally dickish friends, thinks he's a twat.

MoiraPose · 24/06/2024 15:12

TargetPractice11 · 24/06/2024 12:30

Your partner is a selfish twat.

Give the baby your surname.

This really doesn't bode well.

This. And the fact that he's trying to manipulate you by making out that another player's partner doesn't mind is awful. So she's a "cool wife" and you're a nag? And I'll bet the story would be a lot different if you actually spoke to her.

Your baby hasn't even been born yet and he's already planning holidays for himself. What if you have a difficult delivery? What if the baby is overdue? Or what about the fact that when you bring a new human being into the world you should get over yourself and prioritise their needs above your desires for a while? Selfish behaviour.

MrsTerryPratchett · 24/06/2024 15:14

He’s either going to go and leave me with a new baby or else blame me he can’t go.

I would also tackle this early. Say, "look, that choice makes me a mug or a nag, neither of which appeals to me. You need to make decisions based on being a good partner and father. I'm not choosing for you so you can decide if I'm a Cool Wife or a Nag."

MrsTerryPratchett · 24/06/2024 15:15

MoiraPose · 24/06/2024 15:12

This. And the fact that he's trying to manipulate you by making out that another player's partner doesn't mind is awful. So she's a "cool wife" and you're a nag? And I'll bet the story would be a lot different if you actually spoke to her.

Your baby hasn't even been born yet and he's already planning holidays for himself. What if you have a difficult delivery? What if the baby is overdue? Or what about the fact that when you bring a new human being into the world you should get over yourself and prioritise their needs above your desires for a while? Selfish behaviour.

Show quote history

Spooky x-post. Are you me?

MoiraPose · 24/06/2024 15:22

@MrsTerryPratchett that is spooky haha! If you have just had a chocolate milkshake and are trying to read a very boring document then we are the same person!

Floatinginatincan · 24/06/2024 15:23

All this give the baby your surname stuff. It is just stupid. He's your child's father regardless. If you don't want him to go, then tell him clearly. He's your partner, not your opponent. Don't play stupid guessing games. For what it's worth I wouldn't have a problem with him going. At 4-6 weeks In I was spending lots of time just boding with baby, snuggles feeding & and sleeping, but we're all different. You do need to talk to him honestly, though

Takenoprisoner · 24/06/2024 15:44

I don't understand why posters wouldn't say no to their partners going or saying it's the partner's choice. I wouldn't have a problem saying, 'are you completely mad? of course you can't leave your newborn baby for a completely unnecessary trip'. I don't understand the passivity and then women fuming silently with resentment.

92Char · 24/06/2024 15:55

It's important to sit down and have an open conversation with him. All too often we as people presume the other person knows how we feel and has the same perspective as us. If you express your concerns, he may very well understand you and change his mind. This doesn’t need to be about you are a controlling woman who doesn't want him to go on a football holiday. You have decided to start a family together and life changes with a baby. The reality is that life after a baby is unpredictable and it would be hard to book a holiday regardless.

I don't think there is any need to start the conversation all guns blazing. Just be open about your feelings, if he still goes well then that should tell you a lot about the type of person he is.

Spotto · 24/06/2024 16:15

I'm not sure what I'd do, but please understand that he's showing you exactly who he is. Take note, and think about your future accordingly.

BabyFedUp445 · 24/06/2024 16:42

are you completely mad? of course you can't leave your newborn baby for a completely unnecessary trip

This is the only response. Stand your ground and be firm. Don't try and be the "cool girlfriend" because you will regret it.

And remember this is setting the tone for the rest of your relationship and it's not good.

My partner has flat out refused ALL work trips for the month before and the 2 months after I have the baby. He won't entertain them, at all. He WANTS to be here with me and baby. He also turned down a 3 day abroad stag do a month before my due date.

Your partner is a dick.

TomatoSandwiches · 24/06/2024 16:54

If he's using other people's girlfriends to shame and manipulate you op feel free to use my husband to repay him the favour.

There's no way on earth the father of my three children would even consider going, he would have let them know it wasn't going to happen before coming home to me and saying " can you believe Mike thought I was up for going to Frankfert with the team 3 weeks after you're due?! Pfft "

GreyBlackLove · 24/06/2024 17:08

In your shoes I'd ask him to make his own decisions, since it shouldn't be down to you to nag him into being a decent partner and father.

If he really is comfortable with the idea of leaving you for a week, with your first baby, less than a month after giving birth then I'd take that as a strong sign he's not the partner I want in the first place.

Deadringer · 24/06/2024 17:14

Tell him fuck no, its his baby too.

Chickenuggetsticks · 24/06/2024 17:46

I would have said, oh great, I’m booking a few days away for when you get back. Then watch him squirm when he tries to explain “it’s different”.

MrsTerryPratchett · 24/06/2024 17:55

TomatoSandwiches · 24/06/2024 16:54

If he's using other people's girlfriends to shame and manipulate you op feel free to use my husband to repay him the favour.

There's no way on earth the father of my three children would even consider going, he would have let them know it wasn't going to happen before coming home to me and saying " can you believe Mike thought I was up for going to Frankfert with the team 3 weeks after you're due?! Pfft "

Mine too. He refers to men like this as 'pathetic' and feels that men who don't parent are saddos.

Fridgetapas · 24/06/2024 18:10

MrsTerryPratchett · 24/06/2024 15:14

He’s either going to go and leave me with a new baby or else blame me he can’t go.

I would also tackle this early. Say, "look, that choice makes me a mug or a nag, neither of which appeals to me. You need to make decisions based on being a good partner and father. I'm not choosing for you so you can decide if I'm a Cool Wife or a Nag."

Say this - it should be obvious to him that he can’t go if he was making a choice as a good partner

anunlikelyseahorse · 24/06/2024 18:57

AGodawfulsmallaffair · 24/06/2024 13:46

Yeah, I’d tell him he couldn’t go. And if he argues the toss like a spoilt baby that’s all you need to know.

It's not up to OP to tell her husband not to go. The husband should NOT want to go and should NOT be asking permission, it either makes OP into the 'bad guy', or means if she finds it tough, she won't be allowed to moan as he'll turn it on her by saying 'well you were okay with me going'.
You've bagged yourself a right selfish arsehole there OP.
You'll always be the default parent and the burden of all that goes with it.
Good luck, you're going to need it.

Swipe left for the next trending thread