Partner wants a boys holiday not long after baby is born

[SnowWhite333]

My partner and I have been together for 4yrs and are currently pregnant. Baby due jan 25. He recently joined a football club and found they have an annual holiday late feb where they go away for a week. He wants to go. When discussing our leave he mentioned he would need to hold a week back for that and I asked if he’s remembered we will have a 6wk new baby by then. I don’t think he had thought of it. His reply was “so are u saying u don’t want me to go” and I said it was up to him and it’s not been mentioned since.

He brought it up again this weekend though and told me another footballers partner doesn’t mind him going so soon after their baby is born. He seems to be saying the only reason he can’t go is because I won’t let him which isn’t the case I’ve not said that.

I have pointed out with a new baby he should be considering that.

Any thoughts as to how I should manage this? He’s either going to go and leave me with a new baby or else blame me he can’t go.

I absolutely would not agree to let my partner go (don’t care if it sounds controlling because I’m pretty laid back usually) but a 6 week old baby and he wants to leave for a week? It’s selfish. What if you go over which is most likely going to happen with your first baby. What if you have a bad labour and need extra help. He sounds like a tool. My partner wouldn't have even considered it when my babies were born because he’s considerate

Stop being so precious 6 weeks isn't new, you'll be in a routine by then.
It's red flags for me that you're a controlling partner if you don't let him go!

No, she won’t be in a routine. THEY will be in a routine including her, baby and partner. Baby isn’t her sole responsibility. Expecting someone to pull their weight isn’t being controlling, it’s totally reasonable

What is wrong with these man babies.

He hasn't a clue, has he. How old is he?

He behaved earlier like he was asking mummy if he could go out with his friends and anyway other little boys' mummies let them go, so why can't I?

Obviously this is the last thing you want to dwell on but so much can happen with pregnancy and birth, which can't be predicted.

The first three months is sometimes called the fourth trimester, where mother and baby are still a unit and needing physical and emotional support. Even in the best case scenario he'll be needed.

Does he have any more mature friends, family or colleagues who can give him a dose of reality?

I told my partner I wasn't comfortable with him going away for 5 nights for an important work conference when our LO was almost 4 months. He was gutted but agreed that parenting was more important. 🤷‍♀️

I wish people would stop throwing around the word controlling as thiugh it were a magic word that ends the argument.

Coercive control is a very soecific set of abusive behaviors. Expressing a preference for how joint family life is going to happen (lets have dinner out, lets buy a family car, lets work together to parent our newborn, I don’t think its wise to leave me and the newborn in the lurch for a piss up) is not controlling. When you are in a relationship you are entitled to think about and try to foster relationship goals, teamwork, the health and safety of the family.

Asking these enormous, whiny, man boys not to act like a Single bloke is not a sign that the woman is controlling.

He's not only thinking selfishly, he is manipulating you by using this "someone elses girlfriend is fine with it" and reducing it to you "letting" him go or not.

This is a much wider issue, my ExH went on a snowboarding trip when my first born was seven weeks old after an EMCS and I was in absolute tatters mentally and physically. I left it up to him to make the decision, not wanting to be a "nagging wife", and that was the outcome. Note ExH.

Bring it up, don't let this fester, be honest and tell him that you are not willing to be left alone and unsupported with a new born baby for a week. . Make of that what he will.

No prizes for solidering on OP, there will be other football trips, he'll get over it but the resentment and hurt you'll feel if he does go will probably do your relationship in altogether.

100% this. He needs to reflect on his behaviour, and pull his socks up.

My husband is going away for a “working trip” (he runs a voluntary choir and they’re singing away for a weekend) in August and our third baby will be 3 months old.
This is the first time he has been away over night and left me alone with the children since we had our first in October 2019 (I think). Any other time he has had events like this, we have all gone as a family and stayed in an Air BnB or something similar. I have actively encouraged him to go alone to do something for himself and because I don’t want to pack up 3 children and the dog for 3 nights away where I need to entertain them all day while he is busy!! I may decamp to my parents for the time and get some free grandparent childcare 🤣

Tell partner he needs to stay home to care for you both. I’m 7 weeks PP now and still waiting for husband to come in the door from work at 9pm to fetch me food, put on washing, pick up things at the shops etc while I am glued to the sofa breastfeeding or napping.
Baby was 2 weeks late but I had a straight forward and uncomplicated birth. Physical recovery has been fine but baby is up every 2 hours in the night, does not want to be put down in the daytime and I am knackered. Even in the best case scenario, you will need support just to survive on a day to day basis.

Absolutely not true…
My baby is 7.5 weeks and absolutely no routine despite the fact that we do similar things most days. Some nights he feeds at “bedtime” then goes to sleep and other nights he fusses and wants feeding on and off until anywhere up to midnight.
It is unpredictable! This is my third baby so I hope I have some idea of what I’m doing by now too…

I am on my own here but to be honest I wouldn’t have been that bothered if he planned to go but would cancel if needed. With my first I was horrendously ill after birth, lots of complications I would have expected my DH to cancel. With my second I was up and about the next day, driving and even went and done the weekly shop. So if he went away I’d have been ok with it

What planet are you living on and how did you get there?

You could have a 4 week old, not a 6 week old, and you could need major surgery.

I think when the holiday comes around you'll both laugh at the idea he thought it'd be fine to go. It's hard to envision how much life changes.

PS. His football friends sound like arseholes.

Totally agree with this. Learning to communicate directly is going to be key going forwards. Parenting is a massive challenge and really brings in to focus differences between partners and their expectations/experience. You clearly mind so tell him what you think and why. He may just be a bit clueless or anxious rather than selfish.

This would not even crossed my partners mind. Has he thought that once baby is here, he might not want to go away?? Tell him to wait till baby’s here to decide. You don’t know if you’ll be early or late, what kind of birth you’ll have, how much help you’ll need…. The 1st newborn weeks are brutal. And amazing. He shouldn’t want to miss them.

This!

I don't understand what is wrong with men who think there are more important things to do than get to know their new baby and support their partner as she recovers from childbirth.

It's a precious, unique, crucial time for a new family and you don't get a do-over.

Well both my births were going to be normal right up until the date when for one I needed an emergency c section and my son was rushed to kings with a heart murmer discovered after birth, and the other was emergency episiotomy and I caught an infection in hospital and ended up on morphine for two weeks. Both births I didnt get out of hospital for 4 weeks and recocery was months. You might have an easy birth but you might not. Personally I would ask him not to go, be has no clue whats going to hit you both and he will be glad you made him stay.

I’d be saying - I really think you’re taking the piss when we will have a 6 week old baby as I will need help & support. However it’s your decision - if you decide to go that fine - however 2 weeks after you return I will be going away for a week and you can look after the baby. If all these things are acceptable then carry on if not then stay ‘ support me & your baby !!

@Theonlyone1234 However it’s your decision - if you decide to go that fine - however 2 weeks after you return I will be going away for a week and you can look after the baby.

This kind of statement doesn't help and doesn't work. What if he says yeah, go ahead? She then has to back down because in the real world almost no woman can really leave her newborn at 8 weeks to go on a jolly.

1. If she's breastfeeding, it's impossible.
2. She can't trust him to take care of a newborn when he himself has missed out on the last week of his life. Would you?
3. It's cruel to the baby
4. She's still recovering physically.

5.A caring mother won't want to leave a newborn to go away for a week.

I would be 100% against this, for sure. For all the many reasons listed by others.
Baby could be 2w late, 1st babies are more likely to be late. You will be recovering. You may have wanted or needed a C-Section and not be able to drive. You dont want to be the default parent. All of the above basically.

I think one huge factor is HE SHOULDNT WANT TO. He should want to be bonding with baby and doting over his amazing woman who's just literally produced life.

However - in his defence...
I wouldn't have been able to imagine how all encompassing/ draining / tiring / 24/7 having a newborn is until we had one.
You're also somewhat early rather than late in terms of pregnancy, so he probably hasn't done all his "required reading" or you haven't done ante-natal yet. So I think some benefit of the doubt is warranted that he just genuinely doesn't know.
I wouldn't take this request as a sure fire sign that he's gona be non-present father and not understand or wanna be 50/50 with you.

That being said, he 100% shouldn't be going. Maybe I'd consider it if it was say his best mates wedding abroad for a week. Not a jolly that happens annually with people that aren't even his best mates.

I’d have been more than happy if my husband went away for a week not long after they were born!
🤣
Even 30 years ago he was a very hands on dad and every time our baby made a noise or moved he was right over to them checking them, and then checking them when they didn’t move or made a noise
lol
Think I would have got more rest without him
🤣
He’s no different now and they’ve all left home and he’s just the same with the grandchildren,

@SnowWhite333 Well done for having a chat. It sounds like he’s going to need quite a bit of support understanding what a baby will be like. Have you considered getting him some kind of “dummies guide to babies” aimed at men? Now might be a good time if he’s open to the idea that he’s maybe underestimated what a change it will be, and might help him get a bit more up to speed. Sounds like you’re on the way to getting on the same page again