Partner wants a boys holiday not long after baby is born

[SnowWhite333]

My partner and I have been together for 4yrs and are currently pregnant. Baby due jan 25. He recently joined a football club and found they have an annual holiday late feb where they go away for a week. He wants to go. When discussing our leave he mentioned he would need to hold a week back for that and I asked if he’s remembered we will have a 6wk new baby by then. I don’t think he had thought of it. His reply was “so are u saying u don’t want me to go” and I said it was up to him and it’s not been mentioned since.

He brought it up again this weekend though and told me another footballers partner doesn’t mind him going so soon after their baby is born. He seems to be saying the only reason he can’t go is because I won’t let him which isn’t the case I’ve not said that.

I have pointed out with a new baby he should be considering that.

Any thoughts as to how I should manage this? He’s either going to go and leave me with a new baby or else blame me he can’t go.

Of course it isn’t up to her to tell him, but these are extenuating circumstances and I certainly wouldn’t be asking nicely.

Agree with this He will DEFINATELY want to outsource to other females. Male relatives wont come into it. Id lay money on it

“so are u saying u don’t want me to go” is he 5? Are you his Mum? WTF. I'm due then and my partner wouldn't consider being such an insensitive prick.

Show him this thread? He can't say we are ALL mental, hysterical females 🙄

You don't know when the birth will be or what medical issues you or the baby will have. I had a post partum haemorrhage 4 weeks post birth, collapsed and blue lighted to hospital. Even if you have no major issues it's not right to leave you for a week.

It's infuriating how some men just 'opt out' of parenting when it suits them. If a mother decided to fuck off on a week's jolly when her baby had been born just a month before, she'd be vilified. He should be ashamed of himself. But he won't be. Because he clearly sees the childcare as the woman's job. Selfish entitled prick.

Oh he can. People love to tell their partners that MN is full of man-hating harridans.

Amuses DH a LOT. He loves it. When I am especially nice to him he always says, "some bloke being an arsehole on MN?" Yes DH, almost always.

This is so funny! I have the same conversations with my DH. He has definitely noticed that I will stop scrolling on my phone periodically and say “ I love you and you are wonderful!”

“Never stop reading mumsnet” he will say.

“Never stop reading mumsnet” he will say.

YANBU to not want him to go. When you have a newborn baby is not the time to piss off on a lads' holiday for a week.

YABU to be so mealy mouthed about it rather than just say, "Are you mad? Of course I don't want you to go on holiday when I've just given birth! Get your priorities straight!"

I'm bucking the trend here. You'll be fine. It's a baby. How do you think single parents cope? If you don't want him to go, say so.

Any thoughts as to how I should manage this? He’s either going to go and leave me with a new baby or else blame me he can’t go.
yes these are your options.
he is a child.

how old is he?

What happens if you end up needing a c section - whilst you’ll probably be up on your feet within a week or so, you’ll certainly still be recovering at 6 weeks.

How do you know? At this point I would have been just out of hospital, unable to drive, one week post CS. I would not have been able to cope. Not sure they would have released me, honestly.

I agree with a PP - is this baby one? I think some men can struggle with the reality of it until baby is here to be honest. My own hubby was a bit shell shocked to say the least.

I think you have to lay it out there - you dont know when baby will come, what birth and recovery looks like or if baby is going to be mega chilled or have say reflux for example. Id just lay that out, and not get drawn on it any more.

I have a sneaky feeling this might be some form of "my life wont change, will it" moment for your bf. Most - not just the man children - have them, so do we as mums.

I bet as your pregnancy goes on he thaws and changes his mind, maybe im soft but id just let him slowly come to terms with it how a baby is going to impact his life, and not dwell on this too much x

Tell him he can go - over your cold, dead body.

Best case scenario you have an uncomplicated delivery a week early and you recover quickly. Worst case scenario you have a horrible time, crash C-section, and baby is two weeks later than planned, and goes straight to the NICU.

Nobody can tell how or when the baby will arrive. You could be on your knees when he swanned off. You could be fine. He simply cannot plan to go.

He needs to get used to the idea that his lads life is about to come to a screeching halt.

If he gives you any trouble, ask your relatives to give him the kick in the bun that he deaerves.

This 👆

@NDmumoftwo she's not a single parent though. He is very much a parent too and he doesn't get to fuck off just because it's not his vagina that just got shred to pieces and then come back and play happy families. In fact, that's all the more reasons he can't go. He is very much needed there and any worthy father would WANT to be there.

Having a baby is not just about "coping". Fuck that. It's hard but also a wonderful time of your life when you and your partner buckle down together. Just because some women get fucked over, doesn't mean it's ok or that the rest of us should up with lazy excuses for a man.

This is utter bullshit. Historically, evolutionarily and culturally birthing women and new mothers are never left alone. In societies where their husband’s families can’t or won’t look after them women routinely return to their natal homes in order to be cared for.

Just because modern UK society favours the nuclear family and a medicalised, NHS approach to birth which leaves vulnerable women and new babies without sufficient support does not make this optimal.

My experience of this is being wife of top flight academic. Conferences did not stop because baby had arrived. He got his FBA while DC and I were in hospital. 6 weeks after would have been the period before DC would have arrived as he was very prem. I think DH was away on business around the time DC would have been 8 weeks old if he’d gone to term. 10 weeks - if he’d gone to term - would have been an annual trip to Japan. Very lucrative, no point giving that up. Times alone with DC were always completely fine and manageable. If you have a toddler and a baby that is probably completely different. DH was always able to change schedule and adjust commitments for prem baby surgeries and any major commitments. Re my career - picked it up after a year and we managed. Re if it’s not work - that’s the rub, you need to decide where you stand on that.

I can sit here and give you my rational/logical response but my initial reaction is what an arse, if that were my partner I would lose the plot. However that is not what your after and isn't helpful 🤣

Is this your first baby? From experience I think men generally do not understand or get how much life will change until baby has arrived.

I think you need to sit down and have this out with him. If the shoe was on the other foot would he be keen to stay home with baby for a week while you went for a week in the sun with your girls? Rather than a week what about meeting in the middle and him going for a long weekend? Could this be booked as a last minute thing because you cannot predict how things are going to go. You could be overdue and you both need to consider recovery depending on the birth ect.

@Summertimer that's really not helpful. Unavoidable work trip 8 weeks after baby is born versus football trip with the boys 4 weeks after is not remotely equivalent.

This is why calling the stag night the last night of freedom is a crock of shit

I covered that please get off your soap box and read the post

Re if it’s not work - that’s the rub, you need to decide where you stand on that.

Also, I looked after a prem baby while career essential trips went on from 4 weeks post birth.