Partner wants a boys holiday not long after baby is born

[SnowWhite333]

My partner and I have been together for 4yrs and are currently pregnant. Baby due jan 25. He recently joined a football club and found they have an annual holiday late feb where they go away for a week. He wants to go. When discussing our leave he mentioned he would need to hold a week back for that and I asked if he’s remembered we will have a 6wk new baby by then. I don’t think he had thought of it. His reply was “so are u saying u don’t want me to go” and I said it was up to him and it’s not been mentioned since.

He brought it up again this weekend though and told me another footballers partner doesn’t mind him going so soon after their baby is born. He seems to be saying the only reason he can’t go is because I won’t let him which isn’t the case I’ve not said that.

I have pointed out with a new baby he should be considering that.

Any thoughts as to how I should manage this? He’s either going to go and leave me with a new baby or else blame me he can’t go.

I'd be saying how fabulous an idea it is and that I'll be booking the week after he gets back for my spa break.

My husband was in the army when our son was born. He was posted abroad and had to be flown home when I went into pre-term labour. Both my husband and his commanding officer moved heaven and earth to get him home in time. Then, because he loved being at home with his family so much, he left the military knowing that he could never miss a single milestone again. The difference here is that my husband wanted to be with his family. Yours is making a choice not to be, and that is very loud and clear.

He’s trying to blame you for the natural consequences of him choosing to become a parent and put you into “default parent” position. That would piss me off.

I would respond something like this:

“Of course you can go, you’re an adult I can’t stop you. Even if I say you can’t go, you can realistically still go as you are an autonomous adult. You know this. You aren’t really asking me for permission to go, you’re asking me if it’s a good idea and if I will be upset. This is an unfair question as you’ve said absolutely nothing about your plan for when you’re away. Who will cover for you when you’re not here? How will you ensure that me and DC aren’t negatively impacted? Perhaps this is unfair of me, but I suspect you’re also asking if I will do both our jobs while you’re away. If that’s the case, I can tell you that I definitely can’t do that. i won’t be able to hold the baby while I shower, or cook, or have a hot drink. I may not be able to drive. I may have birth injuries that mean I can’t leave the house. I anticipate being very tired and being very busy with the newborn, I won’t be doing the dad’s role too.”

I'd tell him he can't go.
Straight up. You've no idea how the birth will go. If you've had an emergency section you may even still be completely unable to cope alone at 6 weeks..
Baby could be late...
Even if all goes fine with the birth it can be very very hard being a first time parent. I absolutely would not have coped if I'd been alone for days on end with my first baby at 6 weeks old. I developed post natal depression, I wasn't sleeping, my hair was falling out... I needed help every evening when dh came home from work.
With my second and third I'd probably have been fine but tbh with you I'd still not be telling my dh it was fine to go on a lads holiday.. but then again he wouldn't suggest that because he's not a twat and he knows how hard having a newborn is.

That's a great perspective.

Well—it does make the sub text the text! But I guarantee mr “a bloke’s got mates!” Won’t sit still for it. He will pretend not to understand or leave the room before she has finished speaking.

With your 1st baby nothing can prepare you for how much your lives are going to change, when I had my 1st I think me and DH were still in a state of shock when baby was a few weeks old, he had to go back to work but we were still going through that exhausted, sleep deprived, rollercoaster of having this new little person that relied on us for absolutely everything. I was still physically/emotionally/hormonally recovering and I couldn't imagine DH thinking for a moment that it was an acceptable time to bugger off for a week with his mates, let alone criticise me if I had a problem with it. What are his plans for you when he comes back? Will he be happily waving you off on a spa break or taking you and his new child on a nice holiday? Nah, didn't think so. I'm guessing he is of that wonderful school of thought that he's done his part, now all the hard work is down to you.

It's not looking good is it

Ok so we chatted more and i think 2 things - (1) hes not understanding how much our lives will change. Thats not his fault as he doesnt know anyone who has had a child other than work colleagues. We chatted a bit and although i dont fully know im more prepared.
(2) i think he is actually fine not going and doesn’t want to… he will be a great dad im sure. I’ve discovered some of the other footballers are questioning why he cant go if the baby is 6wks old and when hes said it will be hard work for me and he wants to spend time as a family they are talking about the other player who is planning on going. And they are saying they dont understand his excuse.

I did say i wasnt happy with the comment about me stopping him. He says it was meant to be supportive and if i didnt want him to go even if he disagrees he would stay regardless. It didnt come across like that though.

To be honest the while trip involves childless men. So not the best for advice.

He comes to appoints with me, chats and listens to my fears and generally is supportive.

I do think he hadn’t thought things through. He will get 2wks paternity and then back to work. Came as a complete surprise when I said I may not have recovered by then. We both have a lot to learn.

What a selfish man, I would hit the roof over this. My dh waited on me hand and foot when I had our babies and wouldn't have done any differently even for a million pounds. Your dh has some growing up to do - babies are HARD work 24/7.

Yeah absolutely not.
You could be having a difficult recovery, potentially have a neonatal stay, hormones will be all over the place.
I'd be really upset if my husband disappeared off for a week so soon after having a baby.
Could you compromise and he go for the weekend?
He seems very selfish.

My response would be absolutely not and if he insisted on going his bags would be packed. Simple as that.

The baby is 50% his responsibility and if he wants to abandon that responsibility for a week for a lads holiday then he’d be seeing me in court.

All I can say is this man is in for the fright of his life when this baby arrives. He has absolutely no idea what’s about to hit him.

Is he normally so stupid? Sorry but I wasn’t recovered from childbirth at 6 weeks so this is completely selfish. Dh gave up golf the first year of DDs life because of the time it took every Sunday but your dh thought a week away would be no biggie? Wtf. Unbelievable.

I'd hit the roof.

If he's happy to use an extra week's holiday he should be tacking that on to the paternity leave so he's home for 3 weeks!

I'm pregnant and my husband is taking 2 weeks leave so he's at home for 4 weeks. We've been saving it for this purpose.

What an absolute wank*r. For him to even be considering it, shows the type of inconsiderate asshole he really is. Do yourself a favor and leave him to it. You and baby will be far better off without him, I assure you. He will only cause stress and heartache further down the line.

That sounds like a good outcome and I'm glad you stood your ground.

Maybe he is just a bit slow to get it. Which is why it is very important you stand your ground and make sure you don't let him frame things in terms of whether you are "allowing" or "stopping" him from doing stuff. Remind him he is an adult, he is responsible for this child and family and he has to do the right thing. He's a father and he can think for himself. He can't blame childless idiots he plays football with for any dumb ideas.

If you're due 25 Jan, that essentially gives you a window from 11 Jan - 7 Feb when the baby is likely to arrive. Depending on when the trip is, your baby could be 2-3 weeks old, and you may well still be recovering from birth let alone adjusting to new sleep patterns etc. Does he have any friends who have had babies who could give him a gentle reality check?

Honestly, I would have ripped the face off him when he first raised the matter. And yes, I did rip the face off my own husband for wanting to disappear for hours on his bike in the early weeks - had he suggested going away for a boys' week, I'd have been wearing his balls as earrings.

We're all so determined to be 'nice', to be the 'cool wife' - we don't feel we can ask for anything, or point out the bleedin' obvious to a clueless partner. Yes, he's a first-time father with no previous experience. You are in exactly the same boat, so why is he putting you in this position?

Anyone - male or female, mother or father - CANNOT be unaware that childbirth is a massive, life-changing event. And you know what? If they're not sure, they can use a bit of initiative and find out. Talk to relatives. Read an appropriate book. Think for more than two seconds.

"His reply was “so are u saying u don’t want me to go” and I said it was up to him"
I'd have told him that what I wanted was for him to have seen for himself that it was impractical, and for him to not even considered going. That I objected to him offloading his responsibility for being an adult onto my shoulders, and using me as some sort of bogeyman to his new mates because he didn't have the gumption to say 'nah I'll pass on this one lads, I'd prefer to be at home then'. I might even have thrown in a 'don't you ever pull a stunt like this on me again'.

As I said - ripped the face off him.

Against the grain slightly but my DH went on a work trip to Russia for a week when I had a 6 week old and a 2 year old. I don't remember thinking 'you can't go' although I appreciate this isn't work. So I'm kind of on the fence a bit as assuming all goes well with the birth, you'll middle through absolutely fine. Just make sure you get your trip away too!

Omg, he has absolutely no idea how hard it is having a newborn baby. He's in for a big shock! You just need to tell him no, it's not fair for him to leave you with a newborn baby, you may even have to have a c section and might not even be allowed to drive by this point. Just no.

Even with your update it sounds like your partner sees parenting as not something men are that involved in. You need to set him straight on that idea, unless of course you are perfectly happy being the default parent and your DH having his lads jolly every year.

He has no clue what is about to hit! Our first cried solidly from 4pm till 4am daily, for the first 12 WEEKS!!! If she wasn’t on the boob you had to walk with her, a rocking chair didn’t cut it. I had cracked nipples so feeding was agony. We only survived with teamwork. At 8 weeks I hit my peak in wondering if we had made a horrible mistake.

luckily, DD2 was a dream, so easy in comparison. You just don’t know what you will get.

glad it sounds like this is sinking in that going away is a stupid idea!

But you were on baby two, you knew it would all be ok. With our second we were crazy blasé. But the first was petrifying, everything is new, you understand nothing, I had no sixth sense about what my baby wanted, I relied on a book.

by baby two I was all over it!

@Heatherbell1978 work trip is not the same as a holiday with football mates. 1) It's unnecessary and 2) it takes a whole week of precious annual leave from family time. Plus, it's not all about "muddling through" - new mothers shouldn't just be coping, it's a special time when his role is to be there for her as much as he can.

Oh dear what a selfish man baby. Can your mil give him a nudge?