Hen party pregnant drama

[Eirym9]

AIBU?

A school friend that I have hugely drifted from is having her hen do very soon. I was asked to be a bridesmaid for her abroad wedding 2 weeks after my due date so I had to politely decline the invite.
I have made every effort to be at her hen party at 30 weeks pregnant, paying over £300 for the weekend.
I have messaged the other bridesmaids and hen to say that I will be there the Friday/Saturday but will head home when they all go on the night out Saturday as I can’t think of anything worse than being in bars/clubs. I’ve had a really rocky pregnancy with anemia, gest. diabetes and thought the effort would be appreciated but I’ve effectively been told to not attend by the bride. Almost making out that I’m lying because I haven’t spoken to her about how rough the pregnancy has been - but she’s never asked how we are?

Was my request massively unreasonable?

Think of the money you will save by not buying her a wedding present .

Your mistake here, ironically, was being honest and upfront. If you'd just left quietly before the night out, saying at the time you felt too tired, they probably wouldn't have cared.

Yes this would have definitely been my tactic - go and enjoy the earlier part of the weekend, fun activities, afternoon tea or whatever then duck out of the big boozy night out on the day claiming some pregnancy ailment and rest, enjoy a peaceful Sunday morning breakfast myself and head home having had a nice time and a good sleep.

I may have done very very similar in the past

I'd be asking for a proportion of money back and definitely wouldn't go

You're better off out of there and definitely not BU.
The money is gone, I wouldn't try to get it back, just chalk it up to experience.
I am so glad hen dos were not a thing back in my day. They sound horrid and I would not have gone. I would however have had a nice little get together with our friends with food, drinks and aim not to bankrupt or stress out ourselves or our friends. Which is what we did. Pre and after wedding at local registry. It was perfect.
Good luck with the rest of your pregnancy. x

I wouldn't be going to the wedding either. I would to recuperate from my difficult pregnancy.... and from the cold shoulders I got in my moment of need.....

I think it's very stupid to put yourself under any kind of stress at 30 weeks pregnant - particularly if you've had a difficult pregnancy. What if the baby comes early or you need medical care?

And I probably would not want a 30 week pregnant to attend any hen party, if I was holding one. You're a liability, when everyone else wants to let their hair down and have fun and not be sensible.

I'd send her a "thanks for understanding my current limitations" email and arrange with a local florist at her wedding destination to have flowers sent the day before the wedding with a "best wishes" message.

I didn’t go on my now best friend (at the time our friendship was developing) hen do as I was about 14 weeks pregnant. They were getting a coach which was about 3 hours. Would be stopping in a hostel, doing cocktail making and having a pole dance classes. Nothing I wanted to be doing at the time. It’s never been an issue in our friendship which grew from strength to strength

She should be lucky, that you was going to after having a baby, trust me honey you need friends like that.

You're well shot of her. She sounds like extremely hard work and utterly self-absorbed. I mean, you expect a certain amount of self-absorption from a bride but she's turning it into an olympic sport.

What did you say in your response and exactly what was her response. For all you know she may have been trying to be sympathetic, as you already declined being a bridesmaid due to pregnancy. Her intent lay have been, 'Don't bother turning up, you're heavily pregnant, its inconvenient, we'll see you at the wedding'

As in, "don't bother turning up, I've already got your money for you to cover my share of the costs of my hen party so I don't need you to be there at all, all the more for me!"?

I’d ask if you can be refunded at least part of it since it’s her saying not to come rather than you dropping out!
she sounds like a bitch in all honesty!
You will find your friend circle drastically changes once you have kids though….
I was always very loyal to my friends and remained friends after they had kids, even changed my hen do to accommodate those with kids so everyone could attend!! Funnily enough when it was my turn to be a mum those friends evaporated and didn’t show me the same respect when they had hen do etc… I didn’t do a boozy weekend so my BF could attend, and go home to her year old…. She did a 3 night chavvy weekend for hers and was REALLY nasty when I said I couldn’t go because I then had an 18 month old!! I’m so glad I didn’t go though because there were massive rows and we fell out with the bride that weekend with one or two going home early!! And they never spoke again!!
I had a horrendous pregnancy with my DD, sick every half hour all day and signed off work for about 6 months of it then on light duties for the last 2 months.. it was literally the worst 9 months of my life/… so I feel your pain…. I fell out with a friend because she wouldn’t except that I didn’t want visitors (don’t think she believed how sick I was!)

Soooo.

glad you have this figured. I just hate losing the money!!

was part of it a hotel? Can you roll it into your own room? Bring hubby and turn it into a baby moon, maybe drop by the hen do for a meal?

id also talk to my friend and be clear she is blocking me going. I’m happy to celebrate her, but cannot be going to the club! lol. I mean I’d go to like a patio party… till like 9:30. Lol.

If bride has effectively told you not to attend, I’d be asking for my £300 back!
then deleting her from my life.
lord I dunno why there are so many hideous people like this in life!

Message her saying you're hurt & disappointed by her reply. If you still want to go tell her your plans to go the Friday & Saturday daytime but will be heading home before the Saturday evening. If she's said it out of concern for you thank her but explain that you're looking forward to it & have spent a lot of money to spend time with her even though you've had a rough pregnancy it has been worth it to join her at such a special time. Also explain that you've not mentioned before about the problems you've been having so as not to put a dampener on conversations about the hen do & didn't want it all to be about you.
TBH she sounds like a shit friend & I'd be keeping my distance once the wedding is over.

My sister was 22 weeks pregnant on my hen do (maid of honour) and I was unexpectedly 14 weeks. I would happily have had an early night! Wouldn’t blame anyone wanting to leave the big night out when pregnant

Sounds like bridezilla, she’s being v. Selfish. I don’t know if you’d get any money back but I’d be inclined to not go at all!
I was anaemic during pregnancy and I felt so rotten, the amount of people who laughed in my face after asking how I felt, when I said I was tired and replied ‘you think you’re tired?? Wait till the baby’s here’ but nothing compared to the fatigue of that anaemia.
You’ve got to put yourself first in this situation and look after yourself.

Everyone feels different pregnant but I guess if she has no experience of it she can’t understand that. To her you aren’t coming to the wedding or committing to the hen do fully and she considered you important enough to ask to play a huge role in her wedding, she’s probably hurting and close to a wedding is stressful! Could not just stay in the accommodation and have an early night instead of going out?

I’d say it’s very dramatic to say don’t come over one night though!

Don't go! You don't have to explain yourself or make excuses. When I first learnt, if asked, you can just say 'no thank you' you're fine. My now husband taught me that! We never go anywhere we don't want to go.

"I have messaged"; "I’ve effectively been told to not attend".

So much here that could be lost in translation. I wonder how the hen interpreted this conversation? I think a lot more could be deciphered here by screenshotting the interaction.

I think you’re both being unreasonable. By the way you wrote things you’re basically dictating how her hen party goes.

I was recently a bridesmaid and they were wanting to go to brunch around 11 and start drinking then.

She is being unreasonable because she isn’t returning your £300.