Hen party pregnant drama

[Eirym9]

AIBU?

A school friend that I have hugely drifted from is having her hen do very soon. I was asked to be a bridesmaid for her abroad wedding 2 weeks after my due date so I had to politely decline the invite.
I have made every effort to be at her hen party at 30 weeks pregnant, paying over £300 for the weekend.
I have messaged the other bridesmaids and hen to say that I will be there the Friday/Saturday but will head home when they all go on the night out Saturday as I can’t think of anything worse than being in bars/clubs. I’ve had a really rocky pregnancy with anemia, gest. diabetes and thought the effort would be appreciated but I’ve effectively been told to not attend by the bride. Almost making out that I’m lying because I haven’t spoken to her about how rough the pregnancy has been - but she’s never asked how we are?

Was my request massively unreasonable?

i would ask for a refund as she has told you not to come.

I don’t understand why you would go to that effort for an old school friend you have hugely drifted from.

You’ve just subsidised their hen do.

If she cared about she’d refund you, as she’s the one telling you not to come.

If she’s telling you not to come then I’d ask her about a refund. If she’s not prepared to arrange a refund for you then she shouldn’t be telling you not to come as maybe you want to go for the non clubbing part. I was 18wks pregnant during my SIL hen night and they all went clubbing after and I went home, so did my mum and another pregnant guest. I don’t get why anyone would have a problem with this.

Are you sure you can't get a refund on anything? If you sent the money to one person rather than send the money to companies directly eg travel and hotel then they can give you the money back to you. The bride clearly doesn't want you there and only wants your money to make things cheaper for everyone else!! Tell them it's impossible for you to go and you need the money for the baby.

This could easily be crossed wires over a WhatsApp. It sounds like she could have just been saying don't come if you don't feel up to it? If you're having a rough pregnancy?

Hmmm maybe she did just meant ti say....

"oh I didn't realise things were so tough. Please don't worry about coming out. Your health is far more important than my hen night. Stay home op, put your feet up. It's completely fine"

But perhaps she just worded it badly & you've decided to take offence?

Just a thought.

I list a friend in a similar scenario

my friend invited me to be bridesmaid at her wedding, it was a child-free wedding and it was 3 weeks after my due date

she stipulated that I would absolutely not be allowed to bring the baby to her destination wedding

I saud in that case I probably would not be able to come

she said it was typical of me to try and want to steal the limelight at HER wedding by bringing a baby. I tried to explain about tny babies and breastfeeding, even contemplated taking DH and baby and having them hang around in the hotel room, after a 10hr flight, whilst I run back and forth to breastfeed

luckily I came to my senses and said in that case I would not be able to
come

all kind of grievances about limelight stealing etc came out and it was the end of the friendship

I was also the first in my friendship group to have a baby so nobody really understood what the issue was and why a 3 week old baby would not be ok to be in a hotel room all day to be bottlefed for a day instead of breastfed

there was just nothing I could do

I would ask for a refund.

You are very reasonable. If a dear friend of mine ask me to go to the hen do and I'm struggling with something, physical I would politely decline the invitation regardless of the motive.
I'm not for going to places where I'm not ok.
Be close to break my waters and some pregnancy related issues is a very good reason to not to want to go or to go and take it steady in your case.

You are doing more that I would do joining them for the day.

My friend had a child free wedding and I had a 4 week old BF baby… I went as it was local but if it had been abroad I definitely would have said no! She’s had a baby now and the other week she asked how old my baby was when she got married. She replied ‘oh we probably should have let you bring her shouldn’t we’ but it’s so awkward before people go through it themselves sometimes!

Why didn't you say "I would they've told you how I was doing if you'd asked but I don't just randomly moan to people about it"

Do you feel the friendship will be over? Do you care?

Haha to be fair, at this stage in quite a challenging pregnancy I would understand if my friend used these exact words!!

I agree.

Then she can refund you. Why shouldn't you attend the other days?

Is the money for a hotel? Can you speak to the hotel to book an alternative date or place so you can go away yourself and have a relaxing weekend? Just a thought to try and save you some money.

I would point out if she has never asked (not even a casual how are you?) though. Some people are genuinely like this and take no interest in others and who wants to go round offloading health stuff unasked? I'd try and say it in super sweet way

'Mary, I hope you have a wonderful time and am sorry to miss out but reflecting on the above, I haven't said because you haven't actually enquired once how I've been throughout the pregnancy. I don't habitually offload pregnancy issues on people without knowing they want to hear it as I know everyone has plenty going on themselves. If it was an emergency that might be different but these have been more ongoing challenges. Not a problem from my side, I just didn't want you feeling i hadn't kept you posted'.

She's being a tosser because if hen parties are anything more than a night out people habitually dip in and out for whatever reason.

Could you get credit for the hotel and transport and have a night away with DP? In the same place if need be.

Tell her to refund you the money since she un-invited you.

I was about to post, I bet you're the first one of the group to have been pregnant!

She/they sound awful. Still, as you say, once a few of them get pregnant they'll understand!

I had to cancel going to my (very close) cousin s hen do the day before. My oh had long COVID and we thought he was recovered enough but the stress of being left with the kids triggered another episode.

Everyone was lovely, I was gutted. I had a long conversation with cousin afterwards so I could live vicariously instead. I'm sure there was discussions in the family about DH 'preventing' me from going but nothing was said. she's had a couple of illnesses and is pregnant herself now so is missing lots.

It's hard being the first in a group/family to have kids. The inappropriate jokes (give him whisky, it didn't harm us!), the stupid ideas (just leave the baby at home!).

Sounds like it’s almost all been lost in translation.

You’ve misread she’s said “fuck off then and don’t come” and she probably thinks she’s being considerate and not putting pressure on you if you’re struggling, and she’s then met by a slightly aggressive response from you saying “hope you’re nicer and more understanding to your future pregnant friends.” In her shoes she probably thinks you’re being a bit of a dick (appreciate you’re not, hence the lost in translation comment). Text isn’t easy.

If she didn’t like you/care for you she would never have asked you to be bridesmaid.

having said all that, you’re the only one with a kid soon, so for a while you’re just going to be in a Different place with them as you become obsessed over poo-ey nappies etc so if you’ve already drifted apart, you’ll likely continue to do so.

reckon you’ve misread the signs on this one.

Why not? I’m 36 weeks pregnant now with the same complications and she’s just being honest! Surely anyone with any common sense would know that this is a lot of pregnant women’s worst nightmare? A club full of drunk people, loud music?!

What a bitch, don’t go OP and ask for your money back.

Have you asked about a refund ? And her assertion that telling you not to come came from a ‘place of care’ is utter bullshit. She knows she’s been shitty to you and is trying to backtrack. She knew you were pregnant so a ‘place of care’ would be asking if all was OK before you stumped up £300. And if you were happy to attend the Friday and Saturday - just not the clubbing part, which is understandable - why tell you not to come at all ? I would be letting the other hens know why you’re now not coming at all and l’d be giving this ‘friend’ a wide berth from now on.

Because hen do events are about getting so pissed you have to puke in a handy bin and scream so loudly throughout the event to show how mad/ fun/ crayzeeeee you all are just in case any of the other poor souls, who had the misfortune to pick the same day, don't realise you are all there and how mad/ fun/ crayzeeee you all are. Just eating an afternoon tea with friends simply isn't hen enough.

This!!!

So you said, "don't think the evenings events are the right/safe environment for me, so I'm going to leave early, I've had a tough pregnancy"

She replies, "I didn't realise you'd had a tough pregnancy, don't worry, stay home and be safe"

Which you say comes from a place of care. Which it does.

Actually OP, you are the drama llama here. She hasn't been asking after you whilst focusing on her upcoming wedding, anymore than you have been asking after her whilst focusing on your pregnancy. You seem to expect one standard from others but don't think it applies to you.

All a bit precious, how wronged you feel.