Hen party pregnant drama

[Eirym9]

AIBU?

A school friend that I have hugely drifted from is having her hen do very soon. I was asked to be a bridesmaid for her abroad wedding 2 weeks after my due date so I had to politely decline the invite.
I have made every effort to be at her hen party at 30 weeks pregnant, paying over £300 for the weekend.
I have messaged the other bridesmaids and hen to say that I will be there the Friday/Saturday but will head home when they all go on the night out Saturday as I can’t think of anything worse than being in bars/clubs. I’ve had a really rocky pregnancy with anemia, gest. diabetes and thought the effort would be appreciated but I’ve effectively been told to not attend by the bride. Almost making out that I’m lying because I haven’t spoken to her about how rough the pregnancy has been - but she’s never asked how we are?

Was my request massively unreasonable?

I don’t think we can know from the information given whether you’re misinterpreting her messages because you’re feeling over sensitive, or she’s being a mean diva.

Bridezilla can fuck off. Put yourself first, it’s your health. 30 weeks pregnant is no time to be bouncing at clubs in an uncomfortable setting.
Make sure you get your moneys back.
Honestly…people these days….

Who cares if she actually said that? She will be 30 weeks pregnant and bars/clubs can be very dangerous when pregnant! Drunk people pushing past, drinks being spilt causing slippery surfaces!

This!!!!

I wouldn't go, plus wait until she's 30 weeks pregnant to look for an opportunity to exact payback. But that's probably just my male yearning for revenge.

I'd ask for your £300 back.

You have nothing to lose by asking at this point; she's already shown you she's not your friend.

Agree with others that you should ask for your money back. But don't expect to get it back if it's already been spent or you were told no refunds from the outset.

Unfortunately your mistake was agreeing to go on a hen weekend with someone who you don't consider a friend anymore, regardless of the fact you are pregnant.

Unfortunately your mistake was agreeing to go on a hen weekend with someone who you don't consider a friend anymore, regardless of the fact you are pregnant.

It's really hard to understand isn't it?

To the tune of £300+!

For the life of me, I cannot understand why people are attending ridiculously expensive hen weekends for people they arent even close to any more- just why? Say no and decline politely. Its not the law you have to go FGS.

Hen do's are tedious AF at the best of times because everyone gets totally smashed, you often dont know many other people there (many are essentially strangers) which makes it awkward and to spend an entire weekend like that and spend £300 on someone you have drifted far away from is just pointless and silly.

I vote YABU to agree to it even in the first place. Who cares if she gets upset?- you arent even close to her any more so it's not going to affect your "friendship" is it. Let her be mad, the world isnt going to end and neither would it have ended if you had declined to go. You also dont need to have said to being her bridesmaid considering that you two arent close any more. IN fact, I wonder if she only asked you to be bridesmaid because her closer friends didnt want to use their annual leave and money on a destination wedding and I dont blame them!

To be honest i can see this from both sides, and i kind of think you last message to her was BU.

I think you should have told the bride directly about your problems and that you would need to leave early rather than go via the bridesmaids. Its likely become a bit of a chinese whispers thing.

I think hen do's like this are inherantly U ie. Costing £300 with an abroad wedding on top etc etc. But if you sign up to go then thats on you.

The bride obviously considered you a v good friend since she asked you to be BM and was probably hurt you said no, so to then find out via another BM that you are only coming for part of the hen is probably hurtful too. I think its reasonable that her saying dont come was from a place of caring. It doesnt sound like you have spoken much about how difficult the pregnancy has been which hasnt helped but ultimately this is her weekend she wants it to be about her and for them all to have a big laugh. They probably dont want to be tip toeing around someone with a difficult pregnancy who needs to leave early.

Before i had children/pregnant, i would not understand the pull to be with your child and to put yourself first. No one can. So the bride has been flippant in saying dont come but i dont think thats abnormal.

Hopefully you dont lose what otherwise seems to be a long friendship over this.

In the future, when they're having pregnancy/children problems you can sit back with a very self satisfied smile on your face! They need to grow up.

I think you either need to go (and not go out in the evening) or if she’s decided you shouldn’t go, you need to ask for your money back.

I was the first of my friends to be pregnant too and remember being excluded from a social event due to pregnancy (I wasn’t even given the option to go). It’s very hurtful when people behave like this and difficult to rationalise….maybe something to do with the irrational threat of mama-to-be stealing the limelight?

Ask for your money back / cancel the cheque!

She sounds totally self centred and I'd personally be questioning if that's a friendship worth continuing...
Forget the weekend, that money is gone now unfortunately but spend that weekend indulging in some serious self care and pampering or anything you enjoy doing instead, definitely don't dwell on it 💕

When I had my hen party my friend was pregnant. I asked what was reasonable for her and it was clear that she wouldn't be interested in late night drinking. Another friend also didn't want to party until the small hours. So I arranged it afternoon so everyone was back at a reasonable time. I also partially funded it so everyone paid about £80. I'm grateful my friends attended. Another friend did something similar.

If you don't tailor your party to your guests they're perfectly within their right to decline.

Also its obvious you wouldn't want to go clubbing when heavily pregnant!!

I wouldn't go out of my way for this person.

As someone else said it could be that she genuinely does care and it's just come across the wrong way in a text.

I’d be seriously pissed off to lose the money, that’s not small change. I am astonished at her lack of empathy for you being 30 weeks pregnant. Of course you don’t want to go clubbing!

For the life of me, I cannot understand why people are attending ridiculously expensive hen weekends for people they arent even close to any more- just why? Say no and decline politely. Its not the law you have to go FGS.

I must be living in a different world because I also don't get it.

The bride obviously considered you a v good friend since she asked you to be BM and was probably hurt you said no

Why would she be hurt that the OP couldn't attend a wedding two weeks after her due date? Virtually no mothers would leave a newborn to go abroad, and I doubt many would want the hassle of taking one on a plane! Surely people who have destination weddings do so in full knowledge that many people simply won't be able to come? Destination weddings are about prioritising location over guests, which is fine, but the flipside is you can't expect your guests to prioritise you when you haven't prioritised them.

Do you think I don't know that?

You’re not being unreasonable, she is. Are you sure she’s a friend?

I'd have to mention to her about the lost money - not necessarily expecting it back - but I would have to highlight it

I would ring her and try to clarify things. Yes, she could be a selfish bitch or full of faux care and wanting you to fund her hen do or she could actually be caring about you after all.

SIL's (my DB) best friend at the time had a hen do on a barge (which wasn't stationary!), she invited SIL to this, 2-3 weeks after she'd given birth, and wouldn't take no for an answer, SIL was chief bridesmaid and had arranged everything for the hen do, which was complex enough as it was (SIL was the only BM, not a big party of them).

SIL rocked up to the gastro pub/restaurant with her baby, knackered, full of leaking breastmilk and still her best friend tried to get her to come to the hen party...SIL kindly stayed for about an hour or so at the venue but then wisely chose not to come to the hen part on the barge. I was on the hen do, it was nice enough, along with rest of the family, apart from SIL's DM who was staying with SIL to help with the new baby.

The best friend also invited a load of her parents family friends from an Eastern European country to attend her wedding (bride was EE and her groom is English) and when most if not all couldn't attend, invited my DP's as last minute 'extras' who wisely declined.

Fast forward a few years, the best friend is no longer a best friend, she became an utter nightmare when over Covid she got into a row about work/helping with work (they were on a project together, not working together anymore officially) and SIL realised that sadly her best friend didn't have her best interests at heart, especially as SIL now had a toddler. They tried to patch things up after Covid but it won't be the same now.

This sounds like she was being nice and saying she really doesn't mind if you don't come considering your tough pregnancy which she didn't realise before.

If youre not that close, you dont know her friends well and your 34 weeks pregnant then I would not go. You will find that after you have the baby your priorities will change and some friends will just be too hard work to deal with and you will drift apart anyway. Concentrate on yourself, your baby and building a supportive network.