Hen party pregnant drama

[Eirym9]

AIBU?

A school friend that I have hugely drifted from is having her hen do very soon. I was asked to be a bridesmaid for her abroad wedding 2 weeks after my due date so I had to politely decline the invite.
I have made every effort to be at her hen party at 30 weeks pregnant, paying over £300 for the weekend.
I have messaged the other bridesmaids and hen to say that I will be there the Friday/Saturday but will head home when they all go on the night out Saturday as I can’t think of anything worse than being in bars/clubs. I’ve had a really rocky pregnancy with anemia, gest. diabetes and thought the effort would be appreciated but I’ve effectively been told to not attend by the bride. Almost making out that I’m lying because I haven’t spoken to her about how rough the pregnancy has been - but she’s never asked how we are?

Was my request massively unreasonable?

People must be crackers spending £300 to attend a hen party 🤦🏻‍♀️

Could've kitted out the nursery or gone on a last weekend with your partner for that 🤷‍♀️

Wow! She sounds absolutely horrible. If she has told you not to go then you shouldn't lose your money. On the other hand I would not want to spend any time in her company (or the others as they all sound rotten) so maybe have to swallow it. And 100% cut them out of your life from this moment.

Why not, if it’s the truth? Or do we all have to pretend to be happy pissheads?

I think I’d be a bitch and say sorry you feel that way but here’s my bank details to send the money back.

Because it's unnecessarily antagonistic?

Are you sure you did not misinterpret the message ?

Try to spin it positively: ok, you've lost the £300, but you would have spent even more over the weekend while there, and that's now saved!

Off topic but a friend who works in a restaurant said there was an afternoon tea booking for a hen. No alcohol stipulated. Thought that was fine until bridezilla arrives obviously pregnant. She had banned alcohol for this reason but hadn't informed the other hens. It was a very awkward event

Why was it awkward? I wouldn't expect alcohol at an afternoon tea (I know some do Champagne or Prosecco, but it's more common to actually just be tea!).

Are you sure you haven’t got the wrong end of the stick here?
You’ve already mentioned that the friendship has hugely drifted which makes me think that neither of you have been in regular contact to chit chat about your problem pregnancy and she has had a head full of wedding plans.
To say “don’t worry about coming if you’re not feeling up to it” (from a place of care) is not the same as saying you’re not wanted.
Without seeing the actual messages we don’t know how it could be interpreted; but her explanation makes perfect sense to me and you should go ahead with your plan to attend and do what you were comfortable with…. Unless of course you’ve already told her to poke it which I think may have been a massive overreaction. 🥺

I don’t think you’re being unreasonable but why not decline the invitation in the first place?

So I did get a reply after 24 hours to say that I hadn’t informed her of how tough the pregnancy has been before this (she’d never asked either) and that telling me to just stay at home comes from a place of care

But you've just told her you're high risk and it's not the right environment for you so this message just reads to me that she didnt realise you were having a tough pregnancy and please look after yourself and stay home. Your reply to her seems out-of place and a bit nasty.

@Eirym9 Does the bride actually know that you lose £300? I can't help thinking there must be a misunderstanding here.

so many hen parties are organised by others, she might not know?

Some friend
I would never ever ever expect a friend to come clubbing with me on my hen do at 30 weeks pregnant
you’ve done enough by still saying you’ll go to part of it
your ‘friend’ is very unreasonable

Just reply and say you want to be there and the fri/Sat day will be fine but the clubbing probably a bit much. Might be an idea to actually pick up the phone and speak to her about it. So much misinterpretation goes on over texts

you’re not being unreasonable to not go, but you’re clearly really important to her. and this is a massive life event for her. You should phone her direct not message on a group message.

If the bride is requesting that you don’t attend then she should refund you OP.

Yes, I'm wondering about this. It's not actually clear what's been said here by the bride.

I'm a bit confused. You've told her you're having a high risk pregnancy, so she's told you to stay home as to not put yourself under more stress by attending the hen do. Why are you seeing that as you're not wanting? What kind of friend would be like "Oh I didn't know you were having a hard pregnancy. Anyway, I don't care, just make sure you come to by hen do."

I wouldn't even be attending the wedding of a school friend I'd hugely drifted from. I certainly wouldn't be a bridesmaid or pay £300 to attend a hen do and that's without being pregnant! She's a bridezilla and there's a reason you drifted. Take the gift of her tantrum, block and delete. Or it'll be one of those situations where you put in loads of time, effort and money - only to never see her again after the wedding.

You are not being unreasonable. The complete opposite. I remember how hard it is to meet the social expectations of child free people when you have young children or are pregnant. Wait until it’s her turn! You might lose £300 and that’s a massive sting but my recommendation would be to walk away and let her learn her lesson in time.

If they at kicking you off the hen party they should give you your money back!

In the best light I can see how there might be cross wires if you told her you had a high risk pregnancy. Perhaps she's worried about something going wrong at the hen if it get a bit roudy on Friday night. Or she a total ass. You know her best

Are you sure she meant for you to stay at home, did she just mean for you to stay back in the holiday accommodation?

YANBU. I wouldn’t expect a pregnant friend to attend the bar/club part of a hen night, even if they were having an uneventful pregnancy (unless they wanted to). You just don’t have the energy at that stage. She’s being a selfish idiot.