Active discussions

Are your children’s vaccines up to date?

Set a reminder

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Pregnancy

Talk about every stage of pregnancy, from early symptoms to preparing for birth.

Original poster

Hen party pregnant drama

146 replies

Eirym9 · 17/04/2024 05:28

AIBU?

A school friend that I have hugely drifted from is having her hen do very soon. I was asked to be a bridesmaid for her abroad wedding 2 weeks after my due date so I had to politely decline the invite.
I have made every effort to be at her hen party at 30 weeks pregnant, paying over £300 for the weekend.
I have messaged the other bridesmaids and hen to say that I will be there the Friday/Saturday but will head home when they all go on the night out Saturday as I can’t think of anything worse than being in bars/clubs. I’ve had a really rocky pregnancy with anemia, gest. diabetes and thought the effort would be appreciated but I’ve effectively been told to not attend by the bride. Almost making out that I’m lying because I haven’t spoken to her about how rough the pregnancy has been - but she’s never asked how we are?

Was my request massively unreasonable?

OP posts:
Are your children’s vaccines up to date?
Set a reminder
Tiredalwaystired · 20/04/2024 08:27

PloddingAlong21 · 20/04/2024 08:07

Sounds like it’s almost all been lost in translation.

You’ve misread she’s said “fuck off then and don’t come” and she probably thinks she’s being considerate and not putting pressure on you if you’re struggling, and she’s then met by a slightly aggressive response from you saying “hope you’re nicer and more understanding to your future pregnant friends.” In her shoes she probably thinks you’re being a bit of a dick (appreciate you’re not, hence the lost in translation comment). Text isn’t easy.

If she didn’t like you/care for you she would never have asked you to be bridesmaid.

having said all that, you’re the only one with a kid soon, so for a while you’re just going to be in a Different place with them as you become obsessed over poo-ey nappies etc so if you’ve already drifted apart, you’ll likely continue to do so.

reckon you’ve misread the signs on this one.

Edited

This is my take too.

Noirdesir · 20/04/2024 08:35

Eirym9 · 18/04/2024 04:02

So I did get a reply after 24 hours to say that I hadn’t informed her of how tough the pregnancy has been before this (she’d never asked either) and that telling me to just stay at home comes from a place of care…

I have replied to say I hope she has more sympathetic and understanding friends if she is ever pregnant one day.

The money is gone unfortunately but I suppose it’s a life lesson!

Hmmmm. Normally I am never on the side of a bridezilla but surely you have misinterpreted this? if she didnt know you were having a hard time and thinks she was being caring to tell you to stay at home then why the snarky response from you?

Before I had kids I had no idea about preeclampsia and potential issues in pregnancy as I was simply completely unaware of those issues so it wouldnt occur to me constantly ask pregnant friends how they were. It's not because I dont care, it's just I would assume they'd tell me if there was an issue. You could have told her about these things so she'd know.

I'm not sure your response was reasonable in this circumstance tbh

allthegoodusernameshavegone · 20/04/2024 08:39

XiCi · 19/04/2024 23:24

So I did get a reply after 24 hours to say that I hadn’t informed her of how tough the pregnancy has been before this (she’d never asked either) and that telling me to just stay at home comes from a place of care

But you've just told her you're high risk and it's not the right environment for you so this message just reads to me that she didnt realise you were having a tough pregnancy and please look after yourself and stay home. Your reply to her seems out-of place and a bit nasty.

I agree with XiCi, I think you have misinterpreted her and your comment about her future pregnancies a bit mean

diddl · 20/04/2024 08:40

A school friend that I have hugely drifted from

But she still asked you to be bridesmaid.

I have made every effort to be at her hen party at 30 weeks pregnant, paying over £300 for the weekend

Presumably because you can't go to the wedding?

Tbh if your pregnancy has been that difficult I might be wondering why you were bothering with the hen at all.

It does seem to me that she's saying it's OK not to bother at all.

Zone2NorthLondon · 20/04/2024 08:47

Prioritise yourself, your wellbeing. Unfortunately she’s not sensitive to your needs. Good luck when baby arrives & congratulations

scottishGirl · 20/04/2024 08:52

Eirym9 · 18/04/2024 04:02

So I did get a reply after 24 hours to say that I hadn’t informed her of how tough the pregnancy has been before this (she’d never asked either) and that telling me to just stay at home comes from a place of care…

I have replied to say I hope she has more sympathetic and understanding friends if she is ever pregnant one day.

The money is gone unfortunately but I suppose it’s a life lesson!

Like others, I am wondering if you've misinterpreted this OP. Maybe she poorly worded what she wanted to say?
Without seeing her message, I don't think we can say If how you have reacted is right or not

If you are the first person to be pregnant in your friendship group I don't think it would be unusual that she hasn't asked you much about your pregnancy. She may not realise all of the possible health difficulties one can have when pregnant.

LiquoriceAllsorts2 · 20/04/2024 08:57

Your response to her last message was very harsh. She’s trying to be caring , how is she supposed to know your pregnancy is hard if you don’t tell her.

Victoria3010 · 20/04/2024 09:01

Honestly, this is one where in 5 yrs time she'll realise she was being a bridezilla. I also wonder if she didn't really know what to say so thought the kindest thing was to give you permission not to go at all, because honestly that is actually what you'd prefer isn't it! The reality is, she'll think you're being ott about your pregnancy, and you think she's being ott about the wedding. Have some time apart and hopefully she'll mature a bit and realise yours and baby's health are most important. If you want to maintain the friendship, insist you'd like to celebrate in some way with her (afternoon tea, spa trip, posh lunch) before or after the wedding and send a gift and thoughtfully worded card, if you don't want to maintain the friendship, don't! I missed my sil hen do at 39 weeks, no way was I staying on my feet watching people get drunk at that point! You're just at different life stages, which is hard and I doubt you'll be able to see eye to eye until the wedding is done and your children are a little older, because you both will have wildly different priorities for a while until she catches up with you. She should empathise, but she clearly isn't very good at that!

Lola2321 · 20/04/2024 09:04

MyFirstLittlePony · 20/04/2024 06:53

I list a friend in a similar scenario

my friend invited me to be bridesmaid at her wedding, it was a child-free wedding and it was 3 weeks after my due date

she stipulated that I would absolutely not be allowed to bring the baby to her destination wedding

I saud in that case I probably would not be able to come

she said it was typical of me to try and want to steal the limelight at HER wedding by bringing a baby. I tried to explain about tny babies and breastfeeding, even contemplated taking DH and baby and having them hang around in the hotel room, after a 10hr flight, whilst I run back and forth to breastfeed

luckily I came to my senses and said in that case I would not be able to
come

all kind of grievances about limelight stealing etc came out and it was the end of the friendship

I was also the first in my friendship group to have a baby so nobody really understood what the issue was and why a 3 week old baby would not be ok to be in a hotel room all day to be bottlefed for a day instead of breastfed

there was just nothing I could do

omg! I’m going to gloss over the practicalities of passports etc of taking a 3 week old abroad, but saying you can’t bring a newborn on holiday with you is absolutely awful.

XiCi · 20/04/2024 09:09

This is completely on you OP. If you have been having a tough pregnancy why didn't you let the bride know beforehand and come up with a compromise? Thinking back one of my best friends was heavily pregnant on my hen night. She was the first to have a baby out of all of us and I or the organiser would have had no idea about any complications she may have been going through. I would have expected her to have told me before booking. She came and had a good time, no problems but if she had messaged me just before the hen and said she was having a rough time and was high risk I'd absolutely be the same as your friend and tell her to stay home and put her feet up and would be puzzled at your quite aggressive response. I'm guessing full payment has been made now and is non refundable so nothing much the bride can do about the £300. I do think you need to call her as it sounds very much like crossed wires and then just go for part of the weekend so you don't lose all your money (and lose a friend in the process)

VestPantsandSocks · 20/04/2024 09:15

Multiple posts about women going on these expensive hen- do's for people that they aren't even close to?! Why?!

sonjadog · 20/04/2024 09:16

What exactly did she say, because it is was what you wrote here, I think you might have misinterpreted it.

ChampagneLassie · 20/04/2024 09:18

See lots of posts on here and I’m always amazed. Every single group thing I’ve ever been involved with there’s normally at a small number of people who vary attendance because of any number of personal issues. And often it’s things that really do sound a bit like couldn’t you make the effort (10 year olds regular sports match, or picking up IL from airport spring to mind). But I’ve never known anyone make anyone feel bad for it. If the bride was a real friend to you she’d be concerned for you. I’d let it all go, hen, wedding, friendship. You deserve better.

ChampagneLassie · 20/04/2024 09:23

Oh I’ve just read’s replies…I think this might be case of mixed communication. Call her and have a chat. I agree others I think she was giving you the out it sounded like you wanted! If you’re that poorly why would you want to do any of it???

Jaichangecentfoisdenom · 20/04/2024 09:31

WithACatLikeTread · 18/04/2024 13:12

I would be asking for my money back promptly!

So would I!

Alondra · 20/04/2024 09:34

I haven't read updates but your mistake was saying yes to a hen's party for someone you drifted away from and is no longer a friend. You are 30 weeks pregnant, and frankly, hen's parties and being so far advanced in a pregnancy don't mix unless it's a quiet one.

You've been taken for a ride, the bride doesn't give a shit about you or your difficult pregnancy. She wanted numbers to keep the costs down for her hen.

WimbyAce · 20/04/2024 09:42

I think this is why I don't have friends. I honestly don't have the energy for all these politics and drama! You need to focus on you so I wouldn't be worrying about it anymore and just forget the whole thing. Money better spent on your children.

WaltzingWaters · 20/04/2024 09:43

I think maybe given your update you’ve misunderstood what she meant? Maybe call her and clarify? Things can get quite misinterpreted via text sometimes.

MrsB74 · 20/04/2024 10:02

PoppingTomorrow · 17/04/2024 06:11

will head home when they all go on the night out Saturday as I can’t think of anything worse than being in bars/clubs.

Just checking - you didn't actually say this, did you?

Why shouldn’t she say it? It’s fairly bloody obvious at that stage of pregnancy! I also don’t think the fact that they don’t have children should stop them from understanding. It’s similar to those spectacularly short sighted people who have far flung child free weddings and then don’t understand why no one with children can make it. It’s absolutely their choice, but do these people have no concept of lives/priorities that may be different to their own? Being disappointed is one thing, but I would definitely sit it out if she is that uncaring.

saffronflower · 20/04/2024 10:08

VestPantsandSocks · 20/04/2024 09:15

Multiple posts about women going on these expensive hen- do's for people that they aren't even close to?! Why?!

Yeah I dont get this either. I wouldnt even spend £300 on a hen do for a close friend because I think thats a ridiculous amount to spend and its pretty awful for those who are struggling with finances. By the time you figure in the wedding, potential accommodation, gifts, outfit, etc you're talking £500+ simply to go to a wedding. Ridiculous.

Smeegall · 20/04/2024 10:19

HollyKnight · 20/04/2024 00:05

I'm a bit confused. You've told her you're having a high risk pregnancy, so she's told you to stay home as to not put yourself under more stress by attending the hen do. Why are you seeing that as you're not wanting? What kind of friend would be like "Oh I didn't know you were having a hard pregnancy. Anyway, I don't care, just make sure you come to by hen do."

This!!!!

think you’ve burned your bridges by telling her she’s not being supportive.

unless she’s said, don’t come, I don’t want you there. If she’s said that then I’d say well I’ll take my money back then.

you haven’t even picked up the phone and spoken. You’ve just texted. It’s ridiculous - obviously you’ve both misunderstood each other.

whats wrong with just a quick call????

Unexpectedlysinglemum · 20/04/2024 10:21

Don't attend and get your £300 back

Unexpectedlysinglemum · 20/04/2024 10:21

Also the £300 is already gone whether you go or not, so spend the weekend being happy

UnbelievableLie · 20/04/2024 10:26

So many MN "friendships" where the people involved don't seem to like eachother.

Why would you agree to go and fork out on someone you barely know?!

TonTonMacoute · 20/04/2024 10:44

Mmmmpavlova · 17/04/2024 05:31

She sounds like really hard work. Do you really want to go? I think let this one drift... you tried.

This

It really doesn't sound like this is worth stressing over.