Gender disappointment having a baby girl

[SandyHarira]

I just found out I'm having a girl. Admittedly, I cried ugly crocodile tears.

I can't even picture myself having a girl.

TRIGGER WARNING

It's like it's inconceivable in my mind. I hate to say it but... I absolutely hate the idea of being a mother to a baby girl or having a baby girl.

Background story, my mum had 5 girls and was incredibly cruel to me. I was raised by a narcissist. I felt like growing up she resented me her whole life.

She always wanted a baby boy. She made it clear I felt unwanted as a child.

Admittedly, I have a difficult relationship with my mother.

Now back to the present, I fled domestic abuse situation. About a month later I found out I was pregnant by a man who was physically and emotionally abusive to me. Based on the baby's father's views towards women I'm afraid he'll be mean and cruel to our child.

Worst of all, because of my own childhood, I'm afraid I'll be hating on my own child. I'm afraid both me and her father will be mean and cruel to our child and that I will just perpetuate the generational curse.

I'm afraid I won't be able to bond with my child. I'm not a girly girl. I hate the idea of gossiping, combing hair, playing with dolls or dressing in pink.

I've had that growing up with my 4 sisters.

I don't need any more of it.

I wanted our house to be loud and boisterous. I always saw myself as a boys mum.

I feel gutted.

I wasn't enjoying being pregnant before this (I had an eating disorder in my early 20s) but knowing it's a girl I can't even be bothered to attend my antenatal appointments.

Then I feel guilty and ashamed because it IS my child but I really don't feel thrilled about having a mini me.

I never wanted my child to be or look like me. I wanted them to be their own person.

I'd seriously hate it if my child resembled me either in looks or personality.

Having a girl makes me wish I wasn't pregnant in the first place... I feel like it's robbed me of all the joy of being pregnant.

Kind request: Please don't be mean.

I have a hard time accepting myself as it is and having to accept that I will need to accept another mini me is even harder.

How to come to terms with the fact that your baby is not the gender you had envisioned for yourself?

Op the fact you are worrying like this shows that you will be a good mum!
Yes you are disappointed but you dont want your child to have childhood you had, you are trying to protect her already!

You are allowed to feel disappointed its a normal reaction to have, when i found i was having a second boy i was disappointed for a bit because i was convinced i was having a girl. But i got through it, and i love him to bits.

It will fall into place for you. Being pregnant and giving birth and all that comes with it is hard. Its a big adjustment and lots to process. Sometimes its flags up unprocessed trauma/ trauma and you have to deal with that too. And ontop of that everyone is different with how they deal with it

It is not talked about enough how mentally hard it is. And those who are not sympathetic obviously have not had trauma in their lives or deal with it differently

I hope that makes sense in its garbled way

My daughter never combs her hair , wears pink or gossips that's a stereotype

I'm not sure the father should have any unsupervised contact with children if he is abusive

I'm guessing it's too late for an abortion?
As others have said you need help to overcome these feelings

Ok so I don't have any qualifications but yes based on one post think it is reasonable to be concerned that this baby will not be safe and does need safeguarding. You said you fled domestic abuse which is physical you also said you are worried you will both hate on the baby and be mean and cruel to it. That is not normal for a mother to even think of. Please get help for the sake of this innocent baby don't let her be another terrible case we see on the news and everyone says why wasn't anything done how could this happen. This is the very begining of exactly how it happens. Please tell your midwife how you feel she can put things in place to protect the baby

Will you not brush your sons hair too then OP?

Try think of it as being able to give this little girl the childhood you didn't have , I bet when she is here you will move heaven and earth to make sure she doesn't experience what you did. I'd also agree you should speak to someone you clearly have trauma which is completely understandable .

When I initially read your post I felt for you but given some of your replies I think you just sound like an incredibly selfish and ungrateful person who is only concerned with your own feelings. You wanted people to validate your feelings (which many did) but when this was done in a way you did not like you were rude or dismissive.

Don’t post on here if you don’t want genuine opinions.

I've never ever heard another parent to be afraid they will be cruel to their DC before it's even born. This is more than just preferring a DS. How anyone could even contemplate being cruel to a baby is beyond me. It's very worrying. We hear stories of child abuse in newspaper stories sometimes and I feel so sorry for these poor little babies and children. A baby is defenceless and if you think you will both be cruel to it I don't think you should keep it. If I knew anyone being cruel to a baby I'd report it straight away to SS.

How you live your life is your decision but cruelty to a baby just isn't on.

This goes so far beyond gender disappointment. @SandyHarira you need therapy, now. This baby is at risk, given all the background.

I'm afraid I'll be hating on my own child. I'm afraid both me and her father will be mean and cruel to our child
Please tell social services this so they can monitor your child's well being. If you do hate her and are cruel to her I really hope they find out so they can protect her.

wtf you think an abusive man might be a good dad? Is that something you think is normal?

If your child is a girl and her dad abuses girls and women then do not let him ruin her life please .

Speak with your midwife and be open and honest about your feelings.

They will have heard similar worries and issues like yours before.

They can prioritise counselling for you in your circumstances, you won't have to pay for it.

I would also complete a request under Claire's law if you haven't already done so to find out a bit more about the father. There may be things you are not aware of about him. Also I mean this extremely kindly, if he's showing all positive signs of being understanding and on board now, that can change when the baby is born. Having a baby / child is incredibly hard work. Some men do harm the baby as it is an extension of the feelings towards the mother and they know how much the child means to the mother. I work for the emergency services and have witnessed this over and over. Be careful that he appears good at the moment. It is another pattern of abuse and pregnant women and women who have had babies are very vulnerable to abusive or previously abusive men. It is often the child who suffers.

You are not your mother. You can break the abusive cycle. You sound like you are doing your best and are accepting of advice. Please follow mine. Go and be a wonderful mother and enjoy your baby. Show everyone you can do it. Please attend all your appointments for your pregnancy too. They really help you to bond with your baby, which will also help going forward.

Please speak to the midwife about your feelings, they can refer you to the mental health specialist midwives for support.
The safety of your baby has to be the priority here and it starts with you addressing your feelings and wanting to change your mindset.
If you hate the idea of being pregnant with a girl, as you say you do - what will change when she is born? Will you still resent her? I don't mean to scare you, but you honestly don't know how you'll feel afterwards, and that is the same for any mother/parent.

How do you know it's a girl if you're only 12wks?

Anyway you might find that they identify as a boy.

Seems to me you are doing the same that your mother did. Resenting a baby for not being a boy. The only thing you can do is to do better!

My mum wanted a boy (she has me and my sister), and she kept telling me she always wanted a boy and she was crying a lot when she found out I was a girl and so on..., it made me feel horrible.

When I found out I was having a girl, I was over the moon. I felt like I got a chance to prove that girls are amazing and mum should have realised that.

Buy some cute baby girl clothes and toys, look online for nursery decoration, and go to your appointments!
The end of the day, the most important thing is to have a healthy baby.

Suspicious of this too!

Where did OP say she was only 12 weeks! So it isn't even 100%!! I got all girl on nub at 12+4 and confirmed girl but it doesn't mean it definitely is!

Anyway besides all this, as others have said some serious therapy and counselling is needed it's not the poor babies fault you have not sorted yourself before having a child

Said it wasn't due for another six months.

Regards the op being 12 weeks. I imagine she had the NIPT test. I had it and it's over 99% accurate for telling the sex of the baby. Its primary purpose is to test for things like down syndrome.

I had it and I didn't get told the sex do you have to ask!?

@TripleESept24 there was a tick box on the form from what I remember, where you could say if you wanted to know. My consultant called me with the results (i was very anxious, i'd had a high risk result for the 12-week scan) and told me I was low risk and then she double-checked I wanted to know the sex and then she told me.