Gender disappointment having a baby girl

[SandyHarira]

I just found out I'm having a girl. Admittedly, I cried ugly crocodile tears.

I can't even picture myself having a girl.

TRIGGER WARNING

It's like it's inconceivable in my mind. I hate to say it but... I absolutely hate the idea of being a mother to a baby girl or having a baby girl.

Background story, my mum had 5 girls and was incredibly cruel to me. I was raised by a narcissist. I felt like growing up she resented me her whole life.

She always wanted a baby boy. She made it clear I felt unwanted as a child.

Admittedly, I have a difficult relationship with my mother.

Now back to the present, I fled domestic abuse situation. About a month later I found out I was pregnant by a man who was physically and emotionally abusive to me. Based on the baby's father's views towards women I'm afraid he'll be mean and cruel to our child.

Worst of all, because of my own childhood, I'm afraid I'll be hating on my own child. I'm afraid both me and her father will be mean and cruel to our child and that I will just perpetuate the generational curse.

I'm afraid I won't be able to bond with my child. I'm not a girly girl. I hate the idea of gossiping, combing hair, playing with dolls or dressing in pink.

I've had that growing up with my 4 sisters.

I don't need any more of it.

I wanted our house to be loud and boisterous. I always saw myself as a boys mum.

I feel gutted.

I wasn't enjoying being pregnant before this (I had an eating disorder in my early 20s) but knowing it's a girl I can't even be bothered to attend my antenatal appointments.

Then I feel guilty and ashamed because it IS my child but I really don't feel thrilled about having a mini me.

I never wanted my child to be or look like me. I wanted them to be their own person.

I'd seriously hate it if my child resembled me either in looks or personality.

Having a girl makes me wish I wasn't pregnant in the first place... I feel like it's robbed me of all the joy of being pregnant.

Kind request: Please don't be mean.

I have a hard time accepting myself as it is and having to accept that I will need to accept another mini me is even harder.

How to come to terms with the fact that your baby is not the gender you had envisioned for yourself?

If you read your post back to yourself you must understand why you are going to get replies that will be most concerned for your baby and that is natural. Therapy takes years you do not sound as though you are in a position to be a good parent just now and that is not meant to be cruel it's just being honest and what most people reading are probably thinking. The baby must come first In all of this and her safety should be over everything here

My mother was quite cruel towards me, the peak was when she tried to stab me with a knife because she had a bad day at work. She's been a great mother to my brother though.

I ended up having a daughter and I love her and she loves me. She's my whole world.
The story is not destined to repeat itself. You will be fine - you know what kind of mother you would never want to be!

You’ve asked for people to be kind to you, but the priority of me and other posters will be the safety and well-being of your baby.

frankly, this is a horrendous situation to bring a child into and it would be irresponsible to do so. Having an abortion now doesn’t mean you will never be a mother but that you can do it when you’ve been through therapy and the father isn’t abusive.

Completely agree

Don't "therapise" me.

You seem to have diagnosed me already. On the basis of what?

One post?

What are you professional qualifications to jump to the conclusion that I'm a danger to my own unborn child?

You're not at a place for a discussion on a public forum about how amazing it is to have a daughter . You clearly need help and support from professionals.. I hope you can get it and sending you lots of positivity for your future who gets the love and healing that they can pass on

Yours is the type of stories I want to hear, thank you.

I didnt know I was having a girl when I had my first baby. I admit being disappointed.

My DD, never wore pink or played with Barbies. She climbed trees & played in the woods.
She is now runs her own successful business in a male dominant domain.

My friend's daughter has just missed getting s place in the Olympics in a crazy dangerous sport, instead she has been selected for a massive international sailing team.

Girls are better, stronger !

You've clearly been influenced by your upbringing - but you don't have to pass it on to the next generation. Your DD might be your best friend and help turn your life around.

My mum had a very narcissistic mother, lots of abuse, and she's been a wonderful mother to me and my siblings. She did have bipolar and was a bit unstable, but she spoilt us and said she was determined to parent the opposite to her mum.

Maybe have therapy to unpack your emotions. I think those who have had hard upbringings often struggle around the emotions of their first born. It all very normal. Good luck x

The concerning element to your post is not your disappointment over having a girl but where you say that you are concerned that not you and your partner will be ‘mean and cruel’ to your baby. I think you need to speak to your midwife and/or gp and tell them exactly that - they need to assess your ability to safeguard your baby it’s really important and the responsible step to take to tell a professional what you have told us - especially the worry you have about being mean and cruel as it feels like you think you have no control over that ?

Please seek professional support

Would you consider giving the baby up for adoption? It might be the best option for the baby in the circumstances.

The concerning element to your post is not your disappointment over having a girl but where you say that you are concerned that you and your partner will be ‘mean and cruel’ to your baby

Yes indeed.
Surely you didn't mean that, OP?
Or if you did, you must ensure that this man has nothing to do with his daughter.
You yourself need help to come to terms with the sex of your baby.

In your position I'd consider an abortion and be very sure not to get pregnant again. Go for counselling and see how that goes but I'd really question bringing a baby into the world when you seem convinced both you and it's father will both be cruel to the baby. It doesn't matter what it's sex is, it is a defenceless baby and all babies deserve to be loved and protected from harm.

No, it would mean I would likely never have a child due to my age and related health problems.

This is likely my last chance at motherhood

I had an abortion 12 years ago.

I made a pact with my baby before I even got pregnant this time round that no matter what happens I would keep my baby this time.

I don't intend on breaking that promise even if it means having a girl.

The baby is not at risk.

If I ever felt the baby was at risk from his father he wouldn't even know I'm pregnant in the first place.

Sometimes we need to seperate our own experience from that of our child. Just because he was abusive towards me doesn't mean he will be a bad dad.

You've had some excellent advice here OP. One thing I think could be helpful is to go out and buy some neutral clothes and baby stuff. It seems like right now you are picturing a frilly pink girl, perhaps being able to change that by imagining her in more neutral clothes could help?

The baby is not at risk

just because he was abusive to me doesn’t mean he will be a bad dad

This is totally contradictory to what you say in your OP about worrying that you will BOTH be mean and cruel to your baby.

Please please tell your midwife everything you’ve told us. Even show this thread as I really think you need and deserve some real life support.

Please don’t be mean ! Well you cannot just wave a wand over what you have just said -honest though it may be-it’s one of the most disturbing things I have ever read on Mumsnet.
Let’s just try and pick it apart shall we.
Gender disappointment is a thing but this I feel is more than that, I genuinely feel from what you said that this child could be unsafe in your care.

TBH you sound really immature and if you weren’t using contraception the likelihood was that you would get pregnant and a 50% chance it would be a girl.
At least you have left the father-do not go back to him under any circumstances.

It sounds like you had a difficult upbringing ( lots of people do) but you have a responsibility to others to fix these issues before having children or not have them if you cannot be a loving, giving parent.

Just because he was abusive towards me doesn't mean he will be a bad dad.

FGS good dads don't assault their baby's mother.

‘This is my last chance at motherhood’ !!!

What you have described is NOT motherhood -it is abuse. Get yourself some help.

I absolutely hate the idea of being a mother to a baby girl or having a baby girl.........Now back to the present, I fled domestic abuse situation. About a month later I found out I was pregnant by a man who was physically and emotionally abusive to me. Based on the baby's father's views towards women I'm afraid he'll be mean and cruel to our child.
Worst of all, because of my own childhood, I'm afraid I'll be hating on my own child. I'm afraid both me and her father will be mean and cruel to our child and that I will just perpetuate the generational curse.
I'm afraid I won't be able to bond with my child. I'm not a girly girl. I hate the idea of gossiping, combing hair, playing with dolls or dressing in pink.

Please consider giving the baby up for adoption so it could be wanted and not cruelly treated.

I’ve reported this thread as I think OP is confused and vulnerable and needs real life support as talking about potentially being mean and cruel to a baby is extremely worrying and I think @MNHQ should perhaps talk to OP behind the scenes to help

Just because I'm afraid I'll be cruel to my baby doesn't mean that I or that either of us will be.

Please note that I only created the thread immediately after finding out and admittedlyp, emotions are running high. Know that I'm actively working through and processing my emotions.

It won't be a one off event for sure. It's a process.

The baby is not due for another 6 months so I have plenty of time to come to terms with the gender of my child, even if it's not what I initially wanted.

We don't always get what we want.

Sometimes we just get what we need and maybe, just maybe that's exactly what I need.

Ultimately, how I choose to live my life is my decision and mine alone.

What about what the baby needs, instead of what you think you need? The baby doesn't need parents who hate girls and would be abusive to her.

I'm afraid I won't be able to bond with my child. I'm not a girly girl. I hate the idea of gossiping, combing hair, playing with dolls or dressing in pink

These are gender stereotypes. I have a daughter and we do none of these things. She's isn't interested in dolls or pink and plays football, Lego and idolises captain America.

I do brush her hair. I also brush my sons hair.

Please don't worry. You will love your baby and you will bond with him.

Gender disappointment is actually quite common and normal and it will pass.

But think about your attitude to stereotypes and get some support do protect you from baby's dad.

This is more than gender disappointment. Gender disappointment doesn't usually involve thinking you'll hate them and be cruel to them like this op.