Gender disappointment having a baby girl

[SandyHarira]

I just found out I'm having a girl. Admittedly, I cried ugly crocodile tears.

I can't even picture myself having a girl.

TRIGGER WARNING

It's like it's inconceivable in my mind. I hate to say it but... I absolutely hate the idea of being a mother to a baby girl or having a baby girl.

Background story, my mum had 5 girls and was incredibly cruel to me. I was raised by a narcissist. I felt like growing up she resented me her whole life.

She always wanted a baby boy. She made it clear I felt unwanted as a child.

Admittedly, I have a difficult relationship with my mother.

Now back to the present, I fled domestic abuse situation. About a month later I found out I was pregnant by a man who was physically and emotionally abusive to me. Based on the baby's father's views towards women I'm afraid he'll be mean and cruel to our child.

Worst of all, because of my own childhood, I'm afraid I'll be hating on my own child. I'm afraid both me and her father will be mean and cruel to our child and that I will just perpetuate the generational curse.

I'm afraid I won't be able to bond with my child. I'm not a girly girl. I hate the idea of gossiping, combing hair, playing with dolls or dressing in pink.

I've had that growing up with my 4 sisters.

I don't need any more of it.

I wanted our house to be loud and boisterous. I always saw myself as a boys mum.

I feel gutted.

I wasn't enjoying being pregnant before this (I had an eating disorder in my early 20s) but knowing it's a girl I can't even be bothered to attend my antenatal appointments.

Then I feel guilty and ashamed because it IS my child but I really don't feel thrilled about having a mini me.

I never wanted my child to be or look like me. I wanted them to be their own person.

I'd seriously hate it if my child resembled me either in looks or personality.

Having a girl makes me wish I wasn't pregnant in the first place... I feel like it's robbed me of all the joy of being pregnant.

Kind request: Please don't be mean.

I have a hard time accepting myself as it is and having to accept that I will need to accept another mini me is even harder.

How to come to terms with the fact that your baby is not the gender you had envisioned for yourself?

The sex of the child is less important than the fact that your partner is unkind and cruel.

Do you need help separating from him? Women's Aid will assist you.

She didn’t chose it, it was an accidental pregnancy.

The OP is posting for advice which indicates she will get help and will make better choices as she moves forward. What’s your excuse for just posting something that to make her feel bad with no useful ideas attached.

Not the same situation at all but I really wanted a boy. Perhaps as my baby brother died at birth when I was 4. I then had a younger sister but always felt short changed of my brother who I have been very excitedly expecting.

When I found out my sister was a girl - first reaction was disappointment.

I think it may be because there was no processing in our family at all of the loss of my brother. It just wasn't talked about. So it came out in other ways - deep wish for a boy to replace him, and in my own tomboy character.

When the scan said DD was a girl I felt those short changed feelings again. Like I can never have a little boy, brother or son. It will be taken away from me.

Over time when DD started growing and kicking I started to have a relationship with her as a real person rather than as an idea.

When she was born there were no sad feelings - she was DD - her very own person. She was the sweetest most beautiful baby and the apple of my eye!

Hard to believe my first reaction was disappointment.

My second baby is DS - was thrilled he was a boy of course - but love for them both is equally powerful.

Maybe because I have PTSD?

At no point in time did I even remotely imply that unaliving my child was even a consideration so not exactly sure why it's being suggested to me?

It's insensitive to say the least.

Me having a strong emotional reaction doesn't mean I didn't want to be a mum either.

I'm so sorry for what you've been through and what you are feeling now.

These are big feelings. How you describe your baby's father would suggest a potentially dangerous situation.

By all means turn to the mumsnet community for support but our support is not going to be enough in this situation. You need to talk to a therapist/dr/midwife. You've done so well to put your feelings into words. You've pinpointed how you feel and where you think these feelings come from. This is half the battle. Please share these feelings with someone professional, face to face

I am in regular contact with Women's Aid, thank you. We no longer live together as I have my own place and am financially independent.

I haven't read the whole thread so apologies if this is repetitive.

I was very anxious about the idea of having girls. Like you I'd had a very difficult childhood and for the most part a fairly awful relationship with my mother growing up. I'd just generally found being a girl in my family was awful.

I worried that I wouldn't know how to be a good parent to girls. Anyway, I'm sure you can guess where I'm going with this. I went on to have a daughter, swiftly followed by another daughter. And wow. Being their mum has been the most enriching and amazing experience of my life. Yes, at times it has been challenging in the ways I thought it would be because of my own childhood. They are teenagers now and it's hard not to be reminded of one's own experiences but you are not your mum, your daughter is not you. History does not have to repeat itself. I was determined that it wouldn't. Your own self awareness will help you too.

My two girls are very different from me and from each other. Neither were what you might call 'girly'. They are just individuals who need to be cared for, loved, and listened to.

…. ‘and all I got was a girl’
you need therapy. Why can’t you just be happy that you are pregnant with a healthy child and be excited to get to know them for the person that they are? You should be focusing ALL your energy on working on yourself so that your daughter never feels what you felt from your own mother.

Please get yourself in therapy op for the sake of your child. Speak to your midwife as soon as you can. You do not want to end up parenting like your own mother did and showing disappointment to your dd.

I'm not meaning to be insensitive. But having a child when you have PTSD and so much to work through, I think it's fair to question if you are ready for the enormity of parenthood. I understand a twinge of sex disappointment is normal, but your reaction is extreme. I do really hope you get the help you need.

Because first I need to work through my own disappointment before I can be happy?

Telling me to be happy now before I've worked through grief is like telling someone they should be happy after their dad died simply because their mum is still alive.

I am grieving the boy I won't have.

There's no guarantee the child is healthy either as I'm yet to have my first scan and opted out of pre-screening for chromosomal abnormalities too.

You need to try and arrange some therapy. How you were raised can influence how you parent and although you seem aware of that, getting some help developing new ways of communicating and reacting to your things will help you be a different kind of mother to the one who raised you. That's important regardless of whether your baby is a boy or a girl.

Also, from someone who has one of each, there really isn't as much difference as you think there is between having a boy or girl. Especially during the first year. Honestly, I felt like I had the same baby twice because my two were so similar in looks and temperament.

You are in control of the type of parent you’ll be. If you choose to be different to your mother, you will be. Nothing is written yet, you get to write your parenting journey. You already see the problems with the way you were raised, so you already know what not to do, that's half the battle as lots of people aren't that reflective.

You're 'grieving' the boy you haven't got? That's fucked up. What about your poor unborn daughter?

You do realise I only found out last night though? I have plenty of time to work through my initial disappointment before the baby arrives.

Do you know how many people with PTSD end up having children and do a pretty decent job regardless considering what they have been through?

Having PTSD doesn't make one a bad parent.

How have you found out the gender without having a scan or any genetic tests? How far along are you?

If you are going to be cruel to the child do the right thing and let her be adopted you need extensive therapy but havnt got time for this before the baby arrives

Your comment is highly insensitive and invalidating. I can choose to feel the way I choose to feel and you have no right to tell me whichever is the right way to feel

I had bloodwork done at 10 weeks.

Are you in the US?

You don't know how far along I am so why suggest I don't have time to work through this?

Mind you, I only found out a few hours ago and it's insensitive of you to suggest I should give my child up for adoption, especially that I wanted to be a mum.

The purpose of this post was for me to be able to vent without being judged as that's my way of dealing with the initial dissappointment.

Yet some commenters on here, including yourself expect me to be able to magically work through grief in less than 12 hours since I found out.

Where's the logic here?

I didn't even have time to process all my feelings and emotions. The joy will come, just not yet.

Just because I'm disappointed in the moment doesn't mean I don't want to be a mum.

Don't make me the monster I'm not.

I'm based in the UK. I ordered one online. Based on my research it's clinically 99% accurate.

This is your opportunity to break the cycle.

girls can be boisterous. I was a tomboy and I’m the loudest in my household.

being a woman and having a girl comes with great responsibility.

being a daughter and having a mom is amazing. You grow up and that bond strengthens.

you have the chance to break the horrible unkind cycle you have been through and give this baby girl a wonderful life.

I'm only 12 weeks so have plenty of time to work through my initial disappointment which is exactly the reason I wanted to know early in case it wasn't a boy.

I had bloodwork done at 10 weeks. These are clinically 99% accurate.

I seriously hope her father is not in her life.

Shes not just a girl, shes a baby. A BABY. Think of her as that. A lot of this gender stuff is bollocks. Break this cycle.

Therapy, therapy, therapy.

This was actually quite difficult to read.

Please get the help needed so that your daughter can have the life she deserves.