Gender disappointment having a baby girl

[SandyHarira]

I just found out I'm having a girl. Admittedly, I cried ugly crocodile tears.

I can't even picture myself having a girl.

TRIGGER WARNING

It's like it's inconceivable in my mind. I hate to say it but... I absolutely hate the idea of being a mother to a baby girl or having a baby girl.

Background story, my mum had 5 girls and was incredibly cruel to me. I was raised by a narcissist. I felt like growing up she resented me her whole life.

She always wanted a baby boy. She made it clear I felt unwanted as a child.

Admittedly, I have a difficult relationship with my mother.

Now back to the present, I fled domestic abuse situation. About a month later I found out I was pregnant by a man who was physically and emotionally abusive to me. Based on the baby's father's views towards women I'm afraid he'll be mean and cruel to our child.

Worst of all, because of my own childhood, I'm afraid I'll be hating on my own child. I'm afraid both me and her father will be mean and cruel to our child and that I will just perpetuate the generational curse.

I'm afraid I won't be able to bond with my child. I'm not a girly girl. I hate the idea of gossiping, combing hair, playing with dolls or dressing in pink.

I've had that growing up with my 4 sisters.

I don't need any more of it.

I wanted our house to be loud and boisterous. I always saw myself as a boys mum.

I feel gutted.

I wasn't enjoying being pregnant before this (I had an eating disorder in my early 20s) but knowing it's a girl I can't even be bothered to attend my antenatal appointments.

Then I feel guilty and ashamed because it IS my child but I really don't feel thrilled about having a mini me.

I never wanted my child to be or look like me. I wanted them to be their own person.

I'd seriously hate it if my child resembled me either in looks or personality.

Having a girl makes me wish I wasn't pregnant in the first place... I feel like it's robbed me of all the joy of being pregnant.

Kind request: Please don't be mean.

I have a hard time accepting myself as it is and having to accept that I will need to accept another mini me is even harder.

How to come to terms with the fact that your baby is not the gender you had envisioned for yourself?

Have you had any therapy around what happened in your childhood? It sounds like there’s so much to unpack.

first, it’s okay to have feelings about this.

second, let me tell you how great my daughter is. She giggles with me while we rough and tumble on the lounge floor. We have babychino/coffee and gingerbread dates. She runs up to me and cuddles. She LOVES the slide. She is obsessed with her toy dog. She’s just learnt to kiss and say ‘mwah’. She loves to throw a ball while shouting GO. She is the best eater and sleeper of any of her friends. Of course it’s not been all roses, kids are hard, I’m just saying this to show you a glimpse of how great having a daughter is and the kind of thing you might experience.

third, gender is pretty irrelevant. My daughter loves dinosaurs, tractors, cars and trains. She could not care less about dolls. She has a gender neutral name. I let her get muddy.

i understand First hand how a difficult upbringing can influence your own family, and the best gift you can give your future daughter is getting therapy and reading up to address your own trauma.

sending love, welcome to the girl mama club, you’re going to love it.

You're feelings are absolutely valid and your reasons for worrying seem genuinely real too, please if you feel you can speak to your midwife if you can, you sound in desperate need of pre natal therapy

I think you need way more help than a “welcome to the girl mama club”!!

You also need more help than mumsnet can offer. Seek therapy otherwise it’s a long time being so pregnant and bitter.

It’s a good thing that you are acknowledging these feelings and searching for the root cause of them.

I second the suggestion of finding a supportive therapist to guide you through these feelings.

With the right support you’ll be your daughter’s best advocate. You’ll be the mother to her that you deserved when you were a child. You will be the one to break the pattern.

Your child is not you and you are not your mother. If your relationship is abusive you don’t have to stay in it. I would suggest talking to your midwife about getting some help for the way you feel.

Don’t feel bad for feeling this way. You have an awful lot of trauma and honestly I think only proper counselling would help you unpack it all and give you an understanding of why you feel this way.

I have two DDs, neither of them are “mini mes” One, in particular, is almost the complete opposite of me that I actually can’t believe that I brought her up at all - but she is different in a good way, she’s extremely academic and ridiculously sensible. The other is mad into sport and very cheeky! They are both amazing but they are their own people with distinct personalities, not just clones of myself. The thing about gender disappointment is that you could have a boy but then he may not reach your expectation of a boy. Or vice versa.

I’m sorry to hear about what you suffered growing up OP. That must have been really awful.

Although I can’t directly relate to your situation, when I was pregnant with my daughter I found out lots of information about my birth family suddenly (I’m adopted) to do with my biological mother and her abusive behaviour towards my siblings who grew up with her. I was terrified I was going to perpetuate the cycle suddenly and I too almost wished I then wasn’t pregnant so I didn’t need to deal with the awful anxiety. I pretty much had to force myself to dispel those fears and just focus on the task at hand. I was already in therapy at the time which did help tbh. But When my daughter arrived I still felt anxious and still do worry about day to day parenting, but when I catch ,my anxiety going I remind myself how far I’ve come and try to live day by day.

I think what I’m trying to say is that it’s very normal to feel this kind of anxiety, more especially when you have some direct trauma experience like you have in the past. It’s trauma resurfacing and what you’re experiencing is a kind of trauma response. I think even if you were having a boy as you imagined, you would find some anxiety over another aspect of parenting. The trauma would come up in a different way. It sounds like you have internalised a lot of what happened to you and so it’s natural you struggle to accept yourself, but it’s not your fault and you are not your mother.

The situation with your baby’s father sounds difficult, but is there anyone you can trust to talk about this with? Or if not, are you in a position to pay for some therapy sessions to just talk everything over with someone objectively without judgement? What are you looking forward to about parenting in general? Can you start to focus on those things instead of the gender?

Life often has a way of completely surprising us. My life is nothing like anything I envisioned for myself say 10 years ago, but the best lesson I’ve learnt is to just go with it. You are equipped and you can do it. If we are aware of the trauma in our past then we are already in the best position not to repeat it.

Not sure if any of that was helpful, but wanted to reassure you that you’re not alone x

I felt like growing up she resented me her whole life

You don’t want to replicate this experience for your own child so you must get professional help before she’s born.

Your baby is a whole, unique person. This is your chance at a fresh start. The relationships of the past don't need to be recreated.

Please get help to process what you are dealing with.

Agreed - but there is nothing wrong with a bit of positivity and kind words.

OP, was your pregnancy planned? Sorry but I am sort of questioning why you are having a child when you are having this extreme reaction. Please get some professional help.

And disastrous for the baby if you cannot get yourself sorted out. You really need professional help with this or you will 'relive' your own relationship with your mother.

I have both genders and I am honestly not aware of them being boys or girls as I raise them. They aren’t being raised gender neutral, they are what they are, but as a mother they don’t feel any different.

I find myself irritated with other parents and the way I think they force bizarre concepts of masculinity & femininity on children. Girly girl and boisterous boy aren’t real things in my experience. A lot of that is forced, learnt behaviour.

Everyone gets their hair brushed once a day, everyone makes noise & no one gossips.
Girls and boys have innate differences but it really isn’t as black and white as you’re thinking.

Are you still seeing the abusive man? Is there anyway that you can leave that relationship?

I know how you feel - my first was a girl and I only wanted a girl because I’ve only been around females. My second a boy and I was sad but I saw this as an opportunity to really challenge my thoughts and the negativity I felt towards boys and men. I adore my son. I also adore my daughter.

Our children are people. Girls are not girly girls. Boys are not macho. Your child will be your child and will be influenced by you and their surroundings - as you have been influenced by your own.

When both of my children were born - I made them promises (I know promises to newborns sound weird) but I promised I will be there for them. I will listen to their voice. My job isn’t to mould them - but to accept and guide.

Your daughter does not represent all of the bad females you have come across - she is your daughter and you will love her.

Please do speak to someone about it - even if it means pre natal councelling, and also do some therapy for what you have been through.

You are allowed to feel this but don’t let it consume your parenting x

You need to seriously seek help. The level of trauma you are dealing with is off the scale. Talk to your midwife urgently.

You are not your mother, and you are not going to turn into your mother. I hope you can get the abusive man out of your lives.

I have two daughters and a son, and I love them all the same. I certainly hope that when your baby girl arrives, you will feel nothing but love the way I did with all three of mine.

On a lighter note, and I do hope it makes you smile, as a mum you are less likely to get pee'd on while nappy changing a girl compared to a boy 😄

They're all little people, and they are all part of you. I wish you the very best x

And trust me, none of our children is a 'mini me'!! They are all their own individual person! x

Find a really good trauma therapist. Psychotherapist if you can. It will be life changing for you.

So with all this knowledge you have gained in life - what skills and attributes are you looking forward to developing in your daughter ?

Are you too far gone to have a termination? You really don't sound to me like you are ready to have a baby yet if this is a very early pregnancy, like just a few weeks, a termination may well be in your best interests and till you sort out your feelings.

Well first off the the fact you're worrying if you'll be a good enough mother or not to your daughter shows that you will be :)

I felt the same when I found out I was pregnant with my son. I had really bad examples of men in my life including my own abusive father and tbh didn't like or trust men at all. I never wanted a son and had only ever seen myself as a "girl mum". I didn't bond with my son during pregnancy (that's something I really regret now but hormones are powerful things and can make any feelings you have amplified) but he's now 3 years old and let me tell you that little boy is the absolute light of my entire existence. He's the first 'man' I've ever truly loved and we have the most beautiful mother and son bond. The relationship I have with him has actually healed a lot of my own childhood wounds and parenting him has given me a completely different outlook on men in general and I'm excited that I get to raise a good man.

My point is... I honestly believe our children are our biggest teachers and just by parenting and loving your own daughter it really will heal some of those wounds you have from your mother. As the saying goes sometimes life gives us what we need, not what we want. You will love that child like nothing you've ever felt before you'll see.

You mean biological sex, not gender.

You're assuming too much and fearing scenarios that aren't true or here yet, except the part about worrying how your ex will treat her. Can you get some kind of custody agreement in place due to his behaviour towards you?

Jut because she's a girl doesn't mean she'll want to do girly things, and she will be her own little self no matter what. My husband and I say we don't know where our baby came from because they are exactly themselves, their own personality totally! A pattern of parenting is being bored to tears doing things you don't want to occasionally, like watching a godawful animation at the cinema rtc sentry not to fear the odd girly thing if she does turn out to like stereotypical girly things.

I think some form of therapy is essential here to break the cycle with your mother and try not to continue it to another generation, very hard to do and I feel for you. The fact you're worrying this much shows how much you love your baby.

🙄

I think it's absolutely valid to remind OP of the difference

She's having a female child. This doesn't have to mean endless pink, toy hoovers, talk of "pretty" stuff all day long ie following traditional / outdated gender expectations

As others have said, this goes beyond the realms of an online forum. You need professional help - counselling.

If it's any consolation though, you are putting a bunch of gender stereotypes on your baby girl all of which are crap. Sure she might like rainbows but she might like football too. I loved all things stereotypical "boys" growing up: football, rugby, mighty max, trackies. Never played with Barbies or dolls. You're putting your own experiences onto your unborn child and you both deserve for you to work on your mental state