Gender disappointment having a baby girl

[SandyHarira]

I just found out I'm having a girl. Admittedly, I cried ugly crocodile tears.

I can't even picture myself having a girl.

TRIGGER WARNING

It's like it's inconceivable in my mind. I hate to say it but... I absolutely hate the idea of being a mother to a baby girl or having a baby girl.

Background story, my mum had 5 girls and was incredibly cruel to me. I was raised by a narcissist. I felt like growing up she resented me her whole life.

She always wanted a baby boy. She made it clear I felt unwanted as a child.

Admittedly, I have a difficult relationship with my mother.

Now back to the present, I fled domestic abuse situation. About a month later I found out I was pregnant by a man who was physically and emotionally abusive to me. Based on the baby's father's views towards women I'm afraid he'll be mean and cruel to our child.

Worst of all, because of my own childhood, I'm afraid I'll be hating on my own child. I'm afraid both me and her father will be mean and cruel to our child and that I will just perpetuate the generational curse.

I'm afraid I won't be able to bond with my child. I'm not a girly girl. I hate the idea of gossiping, combing hair, playing with dolls or dressing in pink.

I've had that growing up with my 4 sisters.

I don't need any more of it.

I wanted our house to be loud and boisterous. I always saw myself as a boys mum.

I feel gutted.

I wasn't enjoying being pregnant before this (I had an eating disorder in my early 20s) but knowing it's a girl I can't even be bothered to attend my antenatal appointments.

Then I feel guilty and ashamed because it IS my child but I really don't feel thrilled about having a mini me.

I never wanted my child to be or look like me. I wanted them to be their own person.

I'd seriously hate it if my child resembled me either in looks or personality.

Having a girl makes me wish I wasn't pregnant in the first place... I feel like it's robbed me of all the joy of being pregnant.

Kind request: Please don't be mean.

I have a hard time accepting myself as it is and having to accept that I will need to accept another mini me is even harder.

How to come to terms with the fact that your baby is not the gender you had envisioned for yourself?

You will not be healed before your baby arrives even if you started therapy today.

You have a very troubled past, a chaotic present, poor family relationships, an abusive ex who is the father of the child and it's going to be very difficult for you to cope and care for a baby that you've already set your mind on disliking because she is a daughter not a son.

This was an unplanned pregnancy and at a time in your life where you are not in a position to be a loving mother.

No other way to I phrase this other than to be blunt but is having your child adopted after birth something you would consider given your unfortunate circumstances?

Please speak with your midwife about how you are feeling, they can hopefully refer you to the peri-mental health team who can support you to process your feelings and help you access talking therapies to deal with your childhood trauma and how that is affecting your thinking about your baby.

And in reference to PP of course you won't be 'healed' before baby arrives but you can start the journey and seek ongoing support post birth. Many, many parents experience childhood trauma and abusive relationships and are able to go onto safely and effectively parent their children but just may need support to do so.

However, if you were to consider the potential of relinquishing your baby for adoption please speak with your midwife who can make a social care referral sooner rather than later. They will work with you to support you in thinking through any decisions you make (there will be no pressure).

I felt some of what you felt but was okay after the birth; your feelings are so strong that I agree that you need to ask for help.
When this tiny child of yours is born she will want and need you, your history with your mum and sisters is nothing to do with her.

please seek some therapy as soon as you can, for the child’s sake. And you need to remember that their sex (biology) doesn’t need to have any bearing on their gender (social identify). Your daughter can be whoever she wants to be. Her sex on it’s own isn’t the only thing that will define your relationship

This sounds really tricky. I suggest speaking to your midwife to point you in the right direction to get some support .

Fwiw I have a girl and a boy and I love them for who they are as little people, not what their sexes are. You will too

Firstly, remember that you are not your mother. You will raise your daughter differently.

I'm not a "girly girl" and neither is my daughter. Yes she did dance and sometimes wanted her hair plaited but she also climbed trees and fought with her brothers. Children are a product of their surroundings and if you can recognise the faults in your own upbringing, you're already doing OK.

I agree that counselling/therapy might be a good idea to sort through your childhood.

I'm not currently in therapy but have worked with coaches and mentors before. Thank you, I'll definitely look into this.

Speaking to my midwife was my initial thought too. I knew I'd be disappointed if it was a girl. I just didn't think I'd be this disappointed.

Please don't suggest giving my child up for adoption. I never even remotely implied I'd give my child up for adoption.

All I asked is how to deal with the umcomfortable emotions and the initial disappointment.

I felt very similarly about having a girl. I don't mind girly things but I do, at times, truly despise myself and worried I would despise a mini me too.

If I'm honest, how much she looks like me does still bother me sometimes, as in I feel a bit unsettled by it. But actually, rather than transfering those negative feelings to her, it's made me a bit kinder to myself. She's also quite clearly her own, extremely independent, person, which helps. Boisterous too, btw.

Just as an unimportant fyi.. crocodile tears means fake tears

We no longer live together but he'll play an active role as a parent.

He's been surprisingly supportive for the most part and excited to be a dad other than the initial suggestion that I should "cancel" the baby.

I worried that I didn't know how to be part of a mother/daughter relationship because of my own childhood. Let me tell you, with a DD on the cusp of adulthood, she was exactly the child I needed to parent to prove me wrong.

You need therapy and to manage the deep trauma you've experienced. Ask for help and accept it.

You will love your DD and it will be nothing like you fear, but you need help to get there.

If she already knows the gender it’s most likely too late for that.

Thank you, this was genuinely helpful.

@SandyHarira I echo the suggestion that you need therapy to help you process becoming a mother. Please speak to your midwife.

On the father thing. Why are you so determined he will be heavily involved? Is this what you want because you think he'll be a good dad or is this his insistence?

I'd be thinking about moving away and not putting him on the birth certificate. It won't stop him if he's determined but these pricks are often lazy and will make demands and threats but don't follow through.

If he is involved then I think you'll need help to hold very strong boundaries with him as men will often continue their controlling and abusive behaviour through the children.

Admittedly I don't have the back story you have (but a back story which would probably explain it) but I really did not want a girl at all when I was pregnant, always saw myself as the mum of boys and felt it would be my worst nightmare. Baby arrived and found out she was a girl and my daughter is simply incredible and I would not change it for the world. In fact am pregnant with baby number 2 and would be happy with another girl. I think it is absolutely you love them regardless and having my daughter has made me realise that how I felt was completely unfounded. Therapy would definitely be best here and I think pregnancy magnifies how you feel and makes things more difficult.

Whether or not he stays in our child's life is my personal choice. And yes, I had to establish some strong boundaries which is not easy at times as he can be incredible mean and cruel on ocassions.

Still, he surprised me in positive ways for the most part which is something I genuinely didn't expect.

I agree, there's always a risk he'll be toxic to our child too but I guess, it's too late for that now and I just need to deal with the cards I have been dealt. Whether I like it or not, he'll always be part of our lives from now on.

Parenting is challenging and I'm going to need whather support I can get. Will it be easy? I highly doubt.

I was initially going to tell you about my dd (12) who plays football and percussion, loves maths and to be an astronaut. Totally not into butterflies and fairies. Hasn't worn a skirt since she could dress herself and won't wear shoes she can't run in.
She looks nothing like me (I realise this is genetic chance) and sometimes I wonder where she came from.

But actually, you need more help/counselling than some random internet stranger telling you that not all girls are girly. It feels like your feelings run much deeper than gender dissapointment.

Firstly it's okay to feel this way. This feeling is about your past not your future.

I am very sorry to hear of your childhood experiences, and your more recent trauma. You need support to help you, this wasn't your fault and because you are insightful and brave you have given you and your little one the best possible start.

Your little one will have the benefit of being the child of a mum who has your strengths. She will be uniquely her.

Forget the nonsense about boy mum v girl mum it is pure nonsense. I have two boys and across their friends, it is personality versus sex that differentiates them.

You need help and support this is sortable. I hope you have a healthy pregnancy and are able to engage with support to enjoy your future more.

I feel it's not about me wanting to do boyish things with a girl or doing girly things with a boy.

I don't want to raise a tomboy either to overcompensate for the fact that I wanted a boy (even if there is a good chance my child will be more boyish than some of the boys I know). I'm quite feminine myself even if a little adventureous.

Or quite the opposite, they may end up being the ultimate girly girl and challenge my beliefs about womanhood altogether.

Or they could end up somewhere in the middle like me.

My child is its own person, something that is completely beyond my control.

I just wanted a boy whatever his personality and character is. I have 3 nephews and all three of them are completely different.

One if them is actually quite feminine.

Some of the comments on here while well-intended completely miss the point. Just because I can do "boyish" things with a girl doesn't make her a boy. Just as much as doing "girly" things with a boy doesn't make him a girl either.

The point is, I wanted a boy and all I got was a girl.

I'm just disappointed. I don't know how I'll be able to relate to my child.

I've always been clear on the fact that I wanted my children to be whoever they choose to be. I don't have their whole life mapped out ahead of me.

I just feel that me getting a girl is a constant reminder that I never get what I want in life. That's the part that hurts the most. My own disapointment in myself, not that gender is something I can control.

Thank you, I realise how I feel has nothing to do with my child and everything to do with me

You feel how you feel, don’t waste time feeling bad about it.

Your priority needs to be getting some help to work through all this.

You have suffered a great deal of damage as a kid, and have ended up in a similar trap as an adult.

For your sake and your child’s (as this would apply as much for a boy as a girl) prioritise getting some help.

Ring your GP on Monday or talk to your midwife team. No one will be shocked or horrified, but you do need to access as much support as you can.

If it helps, you could reframe it that having a girl has brought these difficult feelings to the surface, at that’s useful.

It goes without saying that you will work through this and it will all be Ok. But get some help.

I hate the idea of gossiping, combing hair, playing with dolls or dressing in pink.

Then don't do any of that stuff, don't bring her up with gender stereotypes.

It's more of an issue that you've chosen an abusive man as your child's father.

Thank you for not making me feel bad about this