This is my first time posting but right now I feel like I have no one else to talk to and feel very alone. I apologise in advance for the lengthy explanation but need to get this off my chest.
I found out last week that I was 22 weeks pregnant. As you can imagine I was in complete shock! I currently have a 3 year old and a 14 month old with my husband and he has a 13 year old son from a previous relationship. My husband has been adamant he didn't want any more children and although I always wanted 3 of my own children, we agreed that we had our 2 children together and his son was our third.
We had plans for this year to pay off any outstanding debts and move to make our dream home.
This pregnancy was completely unplanned and unexpected and so I have been drinking throughout this pregnancy so far, so I'm feeling guilt and scared I have harmed my unborn baby already.
When I did the test last week, I was scared and knew that it would not be in my husbands plans and that he wouldn't want to keep the baby. When I told him the news he was initially calm but said "I'm not having another baby." To which I said I know and I'd booked an appointment with BPAS for a scan and consultation. The following day he said he was going to get booked in for the snip and needed 2 weeks off work to recover, and would go fishing to recover for 2 weeks. He said he was doing it for himself as he didn't want to be in this position again with me or in 10 years time "when he was with someone else". To that comment, I took offence to considering what I am going through right now and potentially doing next week for him, for us. Am I being over sensitive to his potentially jokey comment?
When I went for the scan with BPAS, I was a lot further a long than I initially thought as they dated me at 22 weeks. This means I need to travel to Liverpool next week and stay overnight as the treatment will be over 2 days.
We have barely spoken since and he asked me why last night to which it blew up in a full blown argument. I said I was tired (because I am the one that does literally everything for our 2 young children, the youngest still doesn't sleep through and there are nights when my eldest gets up and I have to see to both of them). He says it's because I chose to work 3 days a week and he works full time. He also said that he pays for all of the house and the bills, I just pay for childcare, anything for the children, the shopping and my own bills. My argument is that he earns 4x as much as me but he doesn't think I pay my fair share.
The other reason I said I've barely been speaking to him (and the main reason) is because I've got so much on my mind at the moment with next week's abortion pending. I am so unsure that I am making the right dedecision. I feel so guilty that I am killing our baby, particularly so late on in the pregnancy. However, I'm scared about how I will cope with 3 children under 3. I'm scared that either way, whether I go through with the abortion or not that our marriage is over. I'm scared about being on my own with 2 or possibly 3 young children. Part of me is thinking I can do it as my children make me so happy and I love them so much and I think my husband does really help with them in anyway anyway, but I am so worried about how I will cope financially.
I haven't got long to make my decision as the cut off for abortion is 23 weeks and 6 days (I will be 23 weeks 4 days when I have my appointment) so time is of the essence.
Everyone has their opinions about abortion and right now I don't think I can take much more guilt.
Has anyone been in a similar situation please? Please help.