Scared - Surgical abortion at 22 -23 weeks

[Charlietaylor123]

This is my first time posting but right now I feel like I have no one else to talk to and feel very alone. I apologise in advance for the lengthy explanation but need to get this off my chest.

I found out last week that I was 22 weeks pregnant. As you can imagine I was in complete shock! I currently have a 3 year old and a 14 month old with my husband and he has a 13 year old son from a previous relationship. My husband has been adamant he didn't want any more children and although I always wanted 3 of my own children, we agreed that we had our 2 children together and his son was our third.

We had plans for this year to pay off any outstanding debts and move to make our dream home.

This pregnancy was completely unplanned and unexpected and so I have been drinking throughout this pregnancy so far, so I'm feeling guilt and scared I have harmed my unborn baby already.

When I did the test last week, I was scared and knew that it would not be in my husbands plans and that he wouldn't want to keep the baby. When I told him the news he was initially calm but said "I'm not having another baby." To which I said I know and I'd booked an appointment with BPAS for a scan and consultation. The following day he said he was going to get booked in for the snip and needed 2 weeks off work to recover, and would go fishing to recover for 2 weeks. He said he was doing it for himself as he didn't want to be in this position again with me or in 10 years time "when he was with someone else". To that comment, I took offence to considering what I am going through right now and potentially doing next week for him, for us. Am I being over sensitive to his potentially jokey comment?

When I went for the scan with BPAS, I was a lot further a long than I initially thought as they dated me at 22 weeks. This means I need to travel to Liverpool next week and stay overnight as the treatment will be over 2 days.

We have barely spoken since and he asked me why last night to which it blew up in a full blown argument. I said I was tired (because I am the one that does literally everything for our 2 young children, the youngest still doesn't sleep through and there are nights when my eldest gets up and I have to see to both of them). He says it's because I chose to work 3 days a week and he works full time. He also said that he pays for all of the house and the bills, I just pay for childcare, anything for the children, the shopping and my own bills. My argument is that he earns 4x as much as me but he doesn't think I pay my fair share.

The other reason I said I've barely been speaking to him (and the main reason) is because I've got so much on my mind at the moment with next week's abortion pending. I am so unsure that I am making the right dedecision. I feel so guilty that I am killing our baby, particularly so late on in the pregnancy. However, I'm scared about how I will cope with 3 children under 3. I'm scared that either way, whether I go through with the abortion or not that our marriage is over. I'm scared about being on my own with 2 or possibly 3 young children. Part of me is thinking I can do it as my children make me so happy and I love them so much and I think my husband does really help with them in anyway anyway, but I am so worried about how I will cope financially.

I haven't got long to make my decision as the cut off for abortion is 23 weeks and 6 days (I will be 23 weeks 4 days when I have my appointment) so time is of the essence.

Everyone has their opinions about abortion and right now I don't think I can take much more guilt.

Has anyone been in a similar situation please? Please help.

I am unequivocally pro-choice. The choice belongs to the woman who is pregnant, and nobody else.

I'm sorry, because it feels cruel to say this to you, but I think your marriage is already over. And, please take this gently; so it should be, because it's an illusion of a marriage. His "didn't want to be in this position again with me or in 10 years time "when he was with someone else". " comment rather underlines the point. There's no commitment in a person who can say that to their spouse.

The vows of marriage certainly used to include "... and with all my worldly goods I thee endow". Yet he earn four times the amount you do and snipes that you don't pay your way, blithely ignoring your contribution through childrearing etc. It bespeaks an attitude. You are his housekeeper and nanny, but he does not see you as an equal - as a spouse.

Whatever you decide, your future is unlikely to include this emotionally abusive man. So, if you imagine your future without him - what do YOU want in your future? Two children or three? Take him completely out of the picture - he's already absented himself, in truth - and choose what YOU want.

You're in for a rough ride, whatever you decide. He will make your life a misery, even if you do what he wants you to do. He will fight you over divorce, custody, money. He is, at heart, an unpleasant man. Probably nice enough as long as he's getting his own way, but his mask is now off now. The man you see now -the unsupportive, punitive, selfish man - is unlikely to don his mask again. Why would he bother? This is who you would be living with, every day.

But he is besides the issue at hand, except that you have to put his wishes to the side, and follow your own.

Best wishes @Charlietaylor123 . ((hug))

Please don't go through with this, you so obviously don't want to have an abortion. Your husband is an utter prick. I'd be questioning my future with him, as he sounds like he's signed out of your relationship already. His "joke" was disgusting.
Nearly 40 years ago I had an abortion that I didn't want and felt pressured into - it's still my biggest regret in life, and that's without the trauma of a late term abortion.

I am speechless.

Just told this story to my DP. He said the same as many other posters: this relationship is gone... (whatever YOUR choice).

Make your own choice. If in doubt go for an anomaly scan. And think if you can go through this, this not a simple procedure.

And he wants to go fishing for two weeks. Just speechless.

Your first post sounds sad but reasonable, committed loving couple come to shock news. Everyone agrees on family size and future goals it will be tough but for our family this is the right decision to make us stronger long term as well as reaching financial and life goals.

Second post, you are on your own. No longer doing this as a team. He’s withdrawing emotional and physically when you need him the most. You will come back to an empty house instead of letting you go to bed for a few days and staying up holding you while you cry. He’s going be absent emotional and physically. The burden of looking after children is all down to you too. Nothings changing in his day this is your job to sort. Then he drop in the “ten years from now” comment so even the future reasons you are planning this don’t even exist.

All reasons you are doing this no longer hold true. It still might be the best decision for you but it’s not the one he is saying. It must be so hard right now you have all our best wishes.

Just to explain why I called your husband "punitive" - this is a very clear example.

"The following day he said he was going to get booked in for the snip and needed 2 weeks off work to recover, and would go fishing to recover for 2 weeks."

No man needs two weeks to 'recover' from a vascectomy. Most go back to work the same day, as other posters have already pointed out.

He is leaving you alone for two weeks as punishment. Punishment for 'making' him do what a man adamant he wanted no more children should have done long-since (and he's angry about that). Punishment for 'letting' yourself get pregnant.

For a man who says he can't take two or three days off work to support his wife through an abortion he has demanded she undergo, or to care for his own young children while she recovers - well, he's making a very deliberate and cruel point, isn't he?

We had plans for this year to pay off any outstanding debts and move to make our dream home.
this is done. Regardless of your decision, there is no dream home here. Your relationship is dead in the water, whether you end it now, in 5 years, or he ends it in 10 years like he’s suggested he will. Either way he isn’t a partner and he doesn’t see himself with you forever. He’s told you that, listen to him.

I’m not clear why you are paying for children’s stuff? Why aren’t you splitting it? Did you make them alone? Surely you should both contribute to all bills. Him more than you since he earns more.
im also not clear on the working 3 days thing. I presume you work 3 days plus to childcare the other 4, plus mornings and evenings on your 3 days. Whilst he just works 5 days? So you work more than him. And you save him money in the process by doing so. How have you ended up as the default parent who is responsible for financing and caring for the children and is penalised for doing all that extra Labour? Does that seem fair? Would you expect him to do that much extra?
And do you want your children to be raised seeing this is how women should be treated?

him not supporting you or coming with you for a traumatic abortion is horrific. I can’t figure out how the existing children, the abortion and the logistics of your abortion are all your problem. he made the pregnancy, he made the existing children, and he is the one who wants the abortion to happen so badly. Seems like it’s his problem? Don’t go to it if you don’t want to. Why would you.

I don’t even know where to start with the fishing thing. The audacity to think he can do that and you semi accepting it, indicates there’s a lot more mistreatment from him in your relationship.

please get away from him, and decide if you are single (and claiming child support) would you still want this baby.

This will be one of the hardest decisions you'll ever have to make, so at least make sure it's an informed decision.
As above, think about what YOU want. If keeping the baby is something you're leaning towards, have the necessary anomalies scans, amnio if that's indicated, and talk openly, honestly and frankly with your midwife about your alcohol consumption, and if that's likely to have had any affect of the baby. Once you have all of this info and advice, then sit down and think through how each scenario would work out for you. Make a decision based on that, not on what you're being pushed towards.
If you decide to go ahead and abort, you will know you've done so for the right reasons, be that medical or you thinking you'd not cope with 3 on your own. It's only you who can decide that. If you go ahead with an abortion against your will, regardless of the practicalities, you will always wonder, you will definitely resent him, and never forgive him. It really does seem that your relationship is already over, and I think you've probably come to terms with this yourself already. If you go ahead with a termination on your decision with all of the knowledge you gain, it won't be easy, but it will at least be tolerable.

Sending you all the best wishes, love and understanding xx

I need a new patio if you want to get rid of this vile excuse of a husband
Get your ducks in a row and do what's right for you and your children. Sending you a big MN hug

This through and through

It sounds like the marriage is over anyway so if you have the abortion, and your marriage doesn't work because your husbands a cunt, how're you going to feel knowing you've aborted a child for a man that you won't be with romantically anymore?

He sounds awful.
You need to do what's best for YOU.

Have your baby. Leave the man. Best wishes ❤️

OP I can only imagine how overwhelming reading all of our replies will be for you. I hope you’re okay today.

Please, please do not underestimate the psychological impact having a termination will likely have on you. If you do decide to go through with it, please make sure you set up plenty of support/counselling to help you through it.

I agree with the comments about your husband others have said too, but it’s hard to see that when you love someone. Please do not base your decision about this baby on whether or not it will save/destroy your marriage - that’s down to you and your husband. Years from now if the outcome is different to what you currently picture (either way), it could lead to regret over the decision about the baby. PLEASE try to decide independent of relationship issues, though I know right now that probably feels like what’s driving you to decide.

I also just wanted to add that (if you choose to) you absolutely CAN do it. Even if you end up alone, they’ll only be tiny for a short time and you will get through it!

My heart aches for you, and I really hope you can work out what’s best♥️

Maam'
I'm afraid your partner is an asshole :(

or in 10 years time "when he was with someone else"

LTB for that alone. You're not a car to be traded in for a newer model.

I wouldn't want to keep the baby but it sounds like you do.

Do what you want to do, it's not his decision. The only think you must do is leave this excuse for a human

Hi OP! How are things?

Much have said by others ..

when there is doubt , there is no doubt.

huge hug

He wants to bugger off to recover for 2 weeks after getting the snip, but isn't going to aid yoir recovery even for a day after a 23 week abortion? What an arsehole.

His comment clearly tells you that he's not planning on staying with you anyway and he clearly doesn't love or respect you, so you should absolutely get your ducks in a row and leave the bellend.

Whether or not you go through with the termination is entirely up to you. Don't let him or his wants influence you in any way.

Personally, there's no way I could do it that late on. The 24 week cut off is actually a little outdated now as medical advancements means that babies born a few days before 24 weeks have a small chance of survival (rather than no chance) but if its the best option for you and your other children, considering you'll be a single parent, then that's what you do.

How are you OP? You've been in my thoughts. I hope you've found someone to talk to in real life x

Thinking of you, hope you are easier in your kind now xxx

Also thinking of you @Charlietaylor123 . Don't feel you have to come back to this thread and update it. I really hope you're doing OK, but if not, do remember - Mumsnet is always here for you. If you want to come back and talk about anything without being connected to this thread, you can always name change. ((hug))

Sending you love again OP. You weigh heavy on my thoughts

Hope you are doing ok. 💐

Please let us know how you're getting on. I'm so sorry your husband is an unsupportive, collosal dick. You deserve better.

I Also have an abortion next Monday and Tuesday I will be 23 weeks and 1 day on the day I terminate I’m so worried and scared I know I have to do it for a reason as social will take another baby of me I just want it over so much it’s not helping me mentally and physically just need some reassurance

@Everythinghelps I’m sorry. Women often have such a rough lot in life. Sending a virtual hug