Scared - Surgical abortion at 22 -23 weeks

[Charlietaylor123]

This is my first time posting but right now I feel like I have no one else to talk to and feel very alone. I apologise in advance for the lengthy explanation but need to get this off my chest.

I found out last week that I was 22 weeks pregnant. As you can imagine I was in complete shock! I currently have a 3 year old and a 14 month old with my husband and he has a 13 year old son from a previous relationship. My husband has been adamant he didn't want any more children and although I always wanted 3 of my own children, we agreed that we had our 2 children together and his son was our third.

We had plans for this year to pay off any outstanding debts and move to make our dream home.

This pregnancy was completely unplanned and unexpected and so I have been drinking throughout this pregnancy so far, so I'm feeling guilt and scared I have harmed my unborn baby already.

When I did the test last week, I was scared and knew that it would not be in my husbands plans and that he wouldn't want to keep the baby. When I told him the news he was initially calm but said "I'm not having another baby." To which I said I know and I'd booked an appointment with BPAS for a scan and consultation. The following day he said he was going to get booked in for the snip and needed 2 weeks off work to recover, and would go fishing to recover for 2 weeks. He said he was doing it for himself as he didn't want to be in this position again with me or in 10 years time "when he was with someone else". To that comment, I took offence to considering what I am going through right now and potentially doing next week for him, for us. Am I being over sensitive to his potentially jokey comment?

When I went for the scan with BPAS, I was a lot further a long than I initially thought as they dated me at 22 weeks. This means I need to travel to Liverpool next week and stay overnight as the treatment will be over 2 days.

We have barely spoken since and he asked me why last night to which it blew up in a full blown argument. I said I was tired (because I am the one that does literally everything for our 2 young children, the youngest still doesn't sleep through and there are nights when my eldest gets up and I have to see to both of them). He says it's because I chose to work 3 days a week and he works full time. He also said that he pays for all of the house and the bills, I just pay for childcare, anything for the children, the shopping and my own bills. My argument is that he earns 4x as much as me but he doesn't think I pay my fair share.

The other reason I said I've barely been speaking to him (and the main reason) is because I've got so much on my mind at the moment with next week's abortion pending. I am so unsure that I am making the right dedecision. I feel so guilty that I am killing our baby, particularly so late on in the pregnancy. However, I'm scared about how I will cope with 3 children under 3. I'm scared that either way, whether I go through with the abortion or not that our marriage is over. I'm scared about being on my own with 2 or possibly 3 young children. Part of me is thinking I can do it as my children make me so happy and I love them so much and I think my husband does really help with them in anyway anyway, but I am so worried about how I will cope financially.

I haven't got long to make my decision as the cut off for abortion is 23 weeks and 6 days (I will be 23 weeks 4 days when I have my appointment) so time is of the essence.

Everyone has their opinions about abortion and right now I don't think I can take much more guilt.

Has anyone been in a similar situation please? Please help.

He sounds like an absolute wanker. Do what you feel is right for you. I am sure It would be hard with three under three but not impossible! You’re already managing two!

This. It is a hugely traumatic thing to go through such a late termination. Absolutely life changing, as I know from a friend’s experience. Not something to go through for some idiot of a man !!

What an awful awful man.

You need to do what is best for you and your body, soul, and mind. Fuck him. Your relationship is over. There's absolutely no going back from this. He's made it very clear that in 10 years time he'll want someone else, not you or your children.
And no, he absolutely can take time away to be with you for your appointment, and no, it doesn't take 2 weeks to recover from a vasectomy.
He's scum.

He sounds awful @Charlietaylor123 . Give it a few weeks and your LO would be able to survive if born. That thought would make it very hard for me to have an abortion that late, and from the language you use I think you feel the same way too.

If you want to have the baby, have the baby. Do what is right for you.

Sorry you're going through this OP. That's such a tough decision to make.

Keep the baby, lose the twat

Apply for cms

Do you have somewhere you can go? Parents? Sibling? Whilst you get yourself sorted

Men like this don't change. They aren't nice. He's showing you who he is so believe him and leave. You deserve better, your children deserve better.

If you want an abortion, do it, but make sure it's on your terms, ie what YOU want and not his

OP, when you say you have been 'drinking throughout' this pregnancy, do you mean a lot or just the odd one? Unfortunately FAS is a real possibility. Did your doctor know this and is this a factor in the termination?

I have not been in a similar situation so I cant get no advice from experience but I do sympathise. Only make the decision that is right for you. Do not let him make it for you and do not let guilt control your decision. If you gut is saying don't do it, then don't. The very difficult decision is for you only to make.

I may also seem very blunt saying this but from what you have said about your husband, you should really re-evaluate your marriage and see that he is not treating you right and you deserve better. He is showing you zero respect, love, compassion and support. It appears to me from these posts he bullies you and takes advantage of your caring nature.

Oh you poor thing.

You say you don’t know how you will cope, however you are coping wonderfully on your own at the moment.

I would get legal advice re divorce and finances / maintenance etc.

As others have said - he has made it clear that you are on your own with children, and with this. He has made it clear he doesn’t see you two as forever and he sounds financially abusive.

What do YOU want for your body, life, and how you would feel either way?

Lots of good advice here already.

Just want to add another - Do What You Feel Is Right FOR YOU.

A life time of guilt is a harder burden than 3 under 3 OP. They grow up fast :)

How much have you actually been drinking over the last few weeks? Is it a medical concern for the baby?

The following day he said he was going to get booked in for the snip and needed 2 weeks off work to recover, and would go fishing to recover for 2 weeks
What a prick. He doesn't need 2 weeks fishing to recover from a vasectomy, leaving you at home with two young children and recovering from a late-term termination if you do indeed decide to go through with it.

He said he was doing it for himself as he didn't want to be in this position again with me or in 10 years time "when he was with someone else". To that comment, I took offence to considering what I am going through right now and potentially doing next week for him, for us. Am I being over sensitive to his potentially jokey comment?

What a wanker.
I'm sorry OP but he is treating you like shit and that was not a jokey comment. I think it sounds like this marriage could be over, whether you have the termination or not.

Do you honestly, hand on heart, want to have this termination?
Put him completely out of the picture while you think about this question.
Can you raise 3 children? Again, consider that with him out of the picture.

Do what is best for you and your children. Do not factor in this awful, awful man. Do what YOU want.

Sending you a hug.

Hi, OP, I've actually just created an account to reply to this.
Ultimately it's your choice BUT your other half sounds like a nightmare.
What a selfish man! I'm feeling, from your post, that you really don't want to go through with this abortion, if that's the case then please don't, especially if it is just to appease him. You will regret it massively.
As a PP said there's always the option of adoption if you feel you can't manage, do you have family that would support you if you did keep your baby?
In all honesty I would leave this extremely selfish and uncaring man, I know this will seem a scary thought, but it can't be half as bad as staying with this self centred excuse of a human and regretting going through with something you really didn't even want to go through with because he told you to.
Not only that but you, (or at least I would) resent him for the rest of my life.
He's shown you who he is, I'm so sorry you are going through this because you don't deserve such dreadful treatment.
Good luck ❤️

Just one more quick thing:

Clear your mind now and imagine you've made the call and are NOT going to abort.

What's your gut reaction? Fear about the future yes, but any relief ?

Try and tap into what you want without regard for what your (pig of a) husband wants.

As above.

You feel bad about drinking in case you hurt your baby and are already riddled with guilt over a procddure you haven't had. You're telling yourself you want your baby, so keep it.

If he was serious about not wanting extra children then he should have got the vasectomy during your last pregnancy. It is not only your problem, for who got you pregnant in the first place?

If he won't take you to the hospital then don't go. He's totally neglecting you and has told you he won't be around in the future so ignore him. When he buggers off for his holiday havd a solicitor's appointment ready to put your legal ducks in a row.

Senfing love and hugs. There is help and dupport out thete. Take it.

I am so sorry you are in this position. It's clear you don't want to go through with this abortion. Don't go through it for him, he is an incredibly nasty and selfish arsehole. The only thing you need to get rid of is him. If you go through with this abortion, you must do so only if it is what you want a 100%. His wants shouldn't be a consideration for you at all because he'll be gone soon anyway. Sounds like he has a plan already. I don't think financially you are going to be better off by being with him either. You're only delaying the inevitable. You and your children deserve so much better and will be happier without him, although it may seem dauting now. I hope you find the courage to do what is best for you and your children

I’m so sorry you’re in this position OP, can’t imagine how difficult this is.

Echo the other posters - this is your decision. It’s your body. He has made his position clear. I agree he is a selfish, manipulative bastard and my jaw dropped when I was reading your post and update.

Whatever you decide - it will be easier without that dead weight dragging you down. You’ll pull through and manage, whether that’s with 2 or 3 children.

try to visualise your life in the future without all the emotion that is attached to the current situation. Difficult I know, but please try. What do you see? You’ll know what to do.

Thinking medically, a surgical abortion at this stage is far more high risk and will require longer recovery time than getting the snip.

Thinking emotionally, your DH is an absolute prick. I'm first to call out man-bashing on here when I see it but this man sounds 100% selfish and horrible. It sounds like your relationship is over whatever path you take. I think the first thing I'd be doing is telling him to leave immediately. This will give you space to really reflect on what you want

I don't think people are being judgmental when they point out that this is a huge deal. They're being frank. As well as the medical risks this will be hugely distressing for you whether you like it or not. This will be much more so if you're doing it for this scumbag of a man.

Please ditch this scumbag of a man ASAP and if you can find a sensible, strong, woman to talk this through with. What you need is somebody who can give you the confidence to see the badass single mum you're capable of being. This might well make you see this pregnancy differently.

Good luck whatever you decide

Fuck all of that. Do what you want and what's best for you and your existing kids, not whats best for this prick.

OP, I think you really have to do what is right for you. Short term, you'll have to deal with your relationship and either have an abortion or the pressure of bringing up three children. However, you need to look at things long term, say in a couple of years-the rest of your life. What do you really want in those later years and if you decide an abortion really is right FOR YOU, how you can deal with it.

Do you have a friend or family member you can also discuss with?

Yes I have. 18 weeks pregnant with 3 and 2 year old. Had midwife and abortion clinic appointments booked for the same week. I sat at work in tears as I felt so guilty but ‘D’P adamant that we couldn’t have another. In the end he ‘allowed’ me to keep her. Relationship was over within 4 years. I couldn’t look at him the same. Best thing for me was keeping my baby x

My exh had a vasectomy and went back to work the next day. He does not need 2 weeks to recover. He's a nasty bastard. He sees you struggling with this unplanned pregnancy but instead of trying his best to help you by looking after other DC and driving you to your appointment he's even making that as hard as possible for you. You need to leave him. He is emotionally abusive. You need to think do you want this baby or not? If you do plan to bring up all DC without him. It sounds like you already do most things for them anyway. He sounds useless and a bully. You could claim CMS for all 3 DC if you decided to keep this baby. He'd have to pay whether he wanted the baby or not. If you don't want the baby do you have someone who can look after your 2 DC for you and pick you up after abortion? You could go on the train and taxi from the station but you'd need someone to collect you and help with the 2dc for a day or two. Only my view but I'd keep the baby as you are so far along I think an abortion this late would be really traumatic for you. I'd ditch the nasty husband. I'd never be able to stay married to him after what he is putting you through. As for the comment about being with someone else in 10 years well they'd be bloody welcome to him.

Either decision you make will have a long lasting impact on your life, so you need to be as sure as you can be in making it. You need to be able to tell yourself in the years ahead, that it was the right thing to do at the time and don’t allow yourself to regret it or let the guilt eat you up..

You need to ( and I’m sure you have) consider the children you already have; the possibility of having a child with additional needs, financial difficulties and how much help you have access to in terms of family/ friends support. You need to think about how it could affect your mental health if you decide not to continue this pregnancy- or if you do.

I hope you have someone in rl that can help you through and support you during this time.
Whatever decision you make, it’s yours and yours only. You don’t need to justify it to anyone else.

Ask your husband to sign a written letter confirming his decision and that he's is fully supportive to terminate what is 50% of his DNA.

Because you don't want it thrown back as 'well you made the decision, I was only joking when I said that' in your face in later life.

It'll be fucking heartbreaking day for you, as for any woman, regardless of the reasons why it's being done.

Psychologically this will be a BIG deal.
Regardless of how much you haven't had time to bond etc etc.
You will need supportive people around you at the time and afterwards.

Sorry you are married to a horrible fucking prick.
Hopefully some day you will be free of that.
Don't wait until you are too old to enjoy life though.

@Charlietaylor123 I agree with other posters. I think you need to do what YOU want to do. I agree with you, that whatever happens, your marriage is over, whichever way you go with regards to the baby

To be honest, you sound as if you would really NOT want to have an abortion and you are mainly doing it for your Husband. I think you need to concentrate on what you want to do, if you and your DH split up and take it from there. He sounds an absolute Louse.

As someone else said, he'll have to pay maintenance for all 3 kids he has with you. I wonder if he's already thinking/planning on leaving you, before this happened. 2 weeks to recover from the 'snip' and he needs to go Fishing #%$* - won't take time off work to take you and bring you back from the abortion. What a horrible, horrible man. You will be better off without him, however hard it is

I hesitate to say this, because I'm not trying to make you feel guilty - as I say I think you need to do what you need to do for You and no judgement from me either way - But I have a friend who had a baby at 22 weeks and 5 days gestation. One of twins. The other died. The baby, against all the odds, and a terrifying few months, survived and is now thriving, with very few issues from being born so early - and starts school next year. I would hate for you not to know that babies can survive at this stage of gestation before making a decision, when you do sound like you really want to have this baby.

I hope you can manage to do what YOU want regards the baby - and I do think you need to dump your husband regardless

Wishing you well