Scared - Surgical abortion at 22 -23 weeks

[Charlietaylor123]

This is my first time posting but right now I feel like I have no one else to talk to and feel very alone. I apologise in advance for the lengthy explanation but need to get this off my chest.

I found out last week that I was 22 weeks pregnant. As you can imagine I was in complete shock! I currently have a 3 year old and a 14 month old with my husband and he has a 13 year old son from a previous relationship. My husband has been adamant he didn't want any more children and although I always wanted 3 of my own children, we agreed that we had our 2 children together and his son was our third.

We had plans for this year to pay off any outstanding debts and move to make our dream home.

This pregnancy was completely unplanned and unexpected and so I have been drinking throughout this pregnancy so far, so I'm feeling guilt and scared I have harmed my unborn baby already.

When I did the test last week, I was scared and knew that it would not be in my husbands plans and that he wouldn't want to keep the baby. When I told him the news he was initially calm but said "I'm not having another baby." To which I said I know and I'd booked an appointment with BPAS for a scan and consultation. The following day he said he was going to get booked in for the snip and needed 2 weeks off work to recover, and would go fishing to recover for 2 weeks. He said he was doing it for himself as he didn't want to be in this position again with me or in 10 years time "when he was with someone else". To that comment, I took offence to considering what I am going through right now and potentially doing next week for him, for us. Am I being over sensitive to his potentially jokey comment?

When I went for the scan with BPAS, I was a lot further a long than I initially thought as they dated me at 22 weeks. This means I need to travel to Liverpool next week and stay overnight as the treatment will be over 2 days.

We have barely spoken since and he asked me why last night to which it blew up in a full blown argument. I said I was tired (because I am the one that does literally everything for our 2 young children, the youngest still doesn't sleep through and there are nights when my eldest gets up and I have to see to both of them). He says it's because I chose to work 3 days a week and he works full time. He also said that he pays for all of the house and the bills, I just pay for childcare, anything for the children, the shopping and my own bills. My argument is that he earns 4x as much as me but he doesn't think I pay my fair share.

The other reason I said I've barely been speaking to him (and the main reason) is because I've got so much on my mind at the moment with next week's abortion pending. I am so unsure that I am making the right dedecision. I feel so guilty that I am killing our baby, particularly so late on in the pregnancy. However, I'm scared about how I will cope with 3 children under 3. I'm scared that either way, whether I go through with the abortion or not that our marriage is over. I'm scared about being on my own with 2 or possibly 3 young children. Part of me is thinking I can do it as my children make me so happy and I love them so much and I think my husband does really help with them in anyway anyway, but I am so worried about how I will cope financially.

I haven't got long to make my decision as the cut off for abortion is 23 weeks and 6 days (I will be 23 weeks 4 days when I have my appointment) so time is of the essence.

Everyone has their opinions about abortion and right now I don't think I can take much more guilt.

Has anyone been in a similar situation please? Please help.

He's an arsehole. If he didn't want any more than 2 children with you then he should have had a vasectomy when dc2 was born, not as a knee jerk reaction to you falling pregnant again.

This has actually made me cry. I’m so sorry. If you feel you can cope with a third child, and want to have the baby, please cancel the abortion, it’s absolutely nothing to do with your husband, he clearly is incapable of love and your marriage is not sustainable. This is probably just me, but I would want everyone to know just how fucking godawful this man is. So I would be asking all family and friends if they could help me with arrangements for the termination, if you go ahead with it. Then I would be finding a lawyer. His response is not normal, it sounds like he’s been emotionally and financially abusive for years. You will be so much better off without him.

“I am so unsure that I am making the right decision. I feel so guilty that I am killing our baby, particularly so late on in the pregnancy. “

Can you urgently go and have an anomaly scan and the see how you feel?

I think at this stage you have to give birth. You really need to do what is right for you. Your body, your decision. There are other options like giving the baby up for adoption that you should consider as well.

I know people who have had late stage abortions following serious anomalies discovered at the 20 week scan. It is really hard and the baby is still small but they held the baby, have photos etc. You absolutely need to make the right decision for you or this will be really hard for you. Forget taking your DH into the equation. He is being useless right now. It is your decision.

There is only one thing that needs to go and that is your husband. Two weeks off followed by two weeks fishing to get over a very minor procedure that will take place under local anaesthetic? In addition, he complains because you “only” work three days a week in addition to having two, soon to be three children under five. I would advise you to think very carefully about this baby, because you are already over halfway through your pregnancy at this stage. He is trying to force you to have an abortion and you, very clearly, don’t want it. As pp have said, he is on four times your salary. He must pay fairly for all three children.

Oh my gosh my heart actually aches for you! I really hope you’re okay.

If you want the abortion because you don’t want any more kids then totally go for it, leave early and leave the children with your husband.

If you doing this for your husband absolutely don’t do it! The mental strain this will put on you is going to be extremely difficult to get over!

Sending all my love your way xx

Keep the baby, ditch the ‘man’.

He can take 2 weeks off to 'recover' from a tiny operation and use that time away from his family responsibilities, but won't even drive you to & from a much bigger surgery, and look after his own kids?

I think that speaks volumes about him as a man. And he is your problem here. Not the baby.

Sending you a big hug..

I can barely believe what I’ve just read, you poor poor soul.

omg, your husband. An urgent vasectomy when you’re pregnant / right when you’ll need him the most in your entire life. he’s a selfish prick.

you need urgent specialist counselling. tell someone the whole story. be honest in your appraisal of how much you’ve drunk
while pregnant.

such a late term abortion will be very very traumatic. but it’s your choice. you haven’t yet bonded with the baby, given you didn’t know you were pregnant, so that could help you. putting it up for adoption is a real and possible option.

do you have any family around you to support you?

fishing. OMFG.

sending hugs x

Please please don't go through with it. It's clear you don't want to and you'll only regret it for the rest of your life. I completely understand your worries but everything always works out in the end. Do you have family/friends for support? I haven't read through all the messages yet but definitely get rid of your emotionally abusive husband. I know it's easier said than done but you are stronger than you realise and your children depend and look up to you. Please seek support, Woman's Aid would be a good place to start if you don't have many other places to turn.

Take him AND how many weeks pregnant you are out of the equation, just for now. Do YOU want this baby? If so, don't terminate. I'm pro choice AF (no 'buts' from me), and from what you've posted, it doesn't sound like you want to terminate. It's your choice, no one else's.

I would vigorously suggest leaving your utter tosspot of a husband though, either way.

I think you need to put your husband to one side and decide if YOU want this baby and can cope with how you will feel after such a late abortion. You need to focus on yourself because he has taken his support away.
If you do decide to go ahead you will cope, you will because you are a good mum and love your children.

Your husband maybe struggling to cope with the news and maybe he will pull his act together in the future. Whether you can forgive him or not is for you to decide. For now though focus on you and your children, do you have someone else in real life you can talk to?

Your husband doesn't sound like he is committed to this relationship. He has made it clear he will not be a source of emotional, practical or financial support for you. I feel angry on your behalf about the way he is treating you, he can't even be bothered to come with you to your appointment.

I wouldn't have the abortion. It doesn't sound like you want to have an abortion and the procedure will be traumatic.

I imagine in five years time you will be a single mum regardless of whether you have this procedure or not. Personally I would rather be a single mum of three than a single mum of two carry the trauma and guilt of a late term abortion that I only did to please my ex husband.

Also if he won't come with you and you don't have anyone else then that pretty much solves the problem. You won't be able to attend your appointment and so you will have to continue with the pregnancy. And your husband can go fuck himself.

Your husband is an absolute prick. He is selfish to the core. He needs 2 weeks to recover from the snip but expects you to shoulder the late term abortion alone.

With regards the abortion, this far on I couldn't do it. I'm not convinced it is what you want either. You need to really think about how this might affect you. I think it would have a big impact on me. Adoption is another option. I always consider myself pro choice, but maybe not as choice as I thought

Trust your gut instinct. You will be ok whatever you decide to do one way or another but you must address your husbands awful behaviour. Whatever he thinks or feels it is you in this situation, it is your body and either way you will have to deal with consequences. He has no respect for you and it looks like very little feeling. I am so sorry you are in the situation.

I believe this is the first time I've ever said this on MN, but please, please leave this bastard.

The abortion is entirely your choice, do whatever it is YOU feel is best, but either way, please do not stay with this guy. He does not give a flying fuck about you, your physical or your mental health. I can barely believe what I've just read.

WHEN he is with somebody else? He has some nerve, i'm so angry for you right now. Cancel the abortion, you don't want it, you're already tied to this awful man for life so one more child doesn't change that fact and you're so far gone that aborting a healthy baby is grim. You won't get over it (i'm basing this on your post).

Your marriage is over though, i'm sorry but he's already one foot out of the door. As soon as there's a newer, more exciting model without kids he'll be off. He's basically told you he doesn't see it lasting long term. You're probably seeing why it didn't work out with his first partner now.

Life with three three and under as a single mother is incredibly hard (and you'll need help from family) but I wouldn't go back in time. I'm filled with joy to have the three of them and so grateful. The nights are horrendous and you'll need help but it IS doable and worth it.

Don't let him bully you OP. I'm living the life you're frightened of and it really is ok. Apart from the bone-crushing tiredness it's actually great.

If humanly possible, keep your baby & divorce your husband. He is the baby’s father. If he can’t be bothered to arrange time off to take you to the abortion he is simply not worth knowing. He probably won’t help to look after the children or you afterwards either. The implications for your mental health are overwhelming & I doubt he will support here either.
This must seem like a mountain to climb. I feel so sorry for you & your DC. Can only suggest you enlist family & friends to support & Citizens Advice for a financial plan.

Get rid of "D"H, what a POS. You're being pressured into a late abortion by someone who doesn't give a shit about you or his kids. Don't do it. You don't sound like you want to. You'll get over the dickhead husband pretty easily but you might not get over losing your child.

I think you already know deep down that the relationship is over, so the only question that remains is, what do you want to do ? If you want to terminate, the appointment is already booked, if not, then that’s up to you and entirely your decision.

I wouldn’t be staying with this man one minute longer than necessary. He’s not committed to you or his children if he’s thinking that longer term he will be with someone else is he ? And he’s not willing to help you out before, during or after the surgery, but he’s already planning a nice little fishing trip to help him get over a vasectomy. You need to get your ducks in a row, get legal advice and get away from him. He will have to pay maintenance for all of his children, regardless of whether he wanted them all or not.

He said he was doing it for himself as he didn't want to be in this position again with me or in 10 years time "when he was with someone else".

what a thing to say to you when you’re pregnant with his child, your third together and his fourth in total.

tell him to save himself the bother, that you’re never having sex with him again.

I hope he’s never violent to you, do you and the children need protection?

What you need is a new husband ! He demands you have a abortion you don’t seem you want to do and he doesn’t even take time off work ? What a waste of oxygen ! Keep the baby if he is the only reason you are not having him and get rig of him !

He is horrific and cruel. Its so easy to say leave on an online forum but I am staggered by what you have written. You deserve so much more love and care.

In regards to the abortion, you are doing it alone either way as he's proven the type of 'man' he is. Your voice is the only one you listen to. Find a decision you are at peace with either way.

Then take time, get all the information, all your ducks in a row and leave him to rot.

This is an unfathomably awful situation OP, you have my utmost respect for the strength you’re displaying right now.

Your uncertainty speaks volumes about what you might actually want.
Let’s say you went ahead with the termination. What do you think your life afterwards might look and feel like? Will ‘D’H be someone you can ever respect again? Will he support you with the aftermath of such a huge physical and psychological toll? Will you feel relieved that you don’t have an additional child to provide for?
If the answer to any of these is ‘no’ then I would strongly urge you to seek support and resources to push forward without him.
Women are incredible, and if YOU want to have this baby, then you absolutely can and you’ll be ok. But if YOU want to terminate, then you can absolutely do that too. Just please don’t be coerced into it by a man who seemingly has one foot out of the door already.

As an aside a man does not need 2 weeks off work "fishing" to recover from a vasectomy. My partner had his and as I drove to pick him from the op he had to chase some yobs down the road at full pelt then went back to work the next day. Now his is an office job and heavy manual work should be avoided but it's about being careful not doing nothing. He should be there for you. Good luck whatever you decide.

So very sorry you're in this situation. Think carefully and then whatever you decide is the right decision for you, there is no right way, only your way. Sending love ❤️