Scared - Surgical abortion at 22 -23 weeks

[Charlietaylor123]

This is my first time posting but right now I feel like I have no one else to talk to and feel very alone. I apologise in advance for the lengthy explanation but need to get this off my chest.

I found out last week that I was 22 weeks pregnant. As you can imagine I was in complete shock! I currently have a 3 year old and a 14 month old with my husband and he has a 13 year old son from a previous relationship. My husband has been adamant he didn't want any more children and although I always wanted 3 of my own children, we agreed that we had our 2 children together and his son was our third.

We had plans for this year to pay off any outstanding debts and move to make our dream home.

This pregnancy was completely unplanned and unexpected and so I have been drinking throughout this pregnancy so far, so I'm feeling guilt and scared I have harmed my unborn baby already.

When I did the test last week, I was scared and knew that it would not be in my husbands plans and that he wouldn't want to keep the baby. When I told him the news he was initially calm but said "I'm not having another baby." To which I said I know and I'd booked an appointment with BPAS for a scan and consultation. The following day he said he was going to get booked in for the snip and needed 2 weeks off work to recover, and would go fishing to recover for 2 weeks. He said he was doing it for himself as he didn't want to be in this position again with me or in 10 years time "when he was with someone else". To that comment, I took offence to considering what I am going through right now and potentially doing next week for him, for us. Am I being over sensitive to his potentially jokey comment?

When I went for the scan with BPAS, I was a lot further a long than I initially thought as they dated me at 22 weeks. This means I need to travel to Liverpool next week and stay overnight as the treatment will be over 2 days.

We have barely spoken since and he asked me why last night to which it blew up in a full blown argument. I said I was tired (because I am the one that does literally everything for our 2 young children, the youngest still doesn't sleep through and there are nights when my eldest gets up and I have to see to both of them). He says it's because I chose to work 3 days a week and he works full time. He also said that he pays for all of the house and the bills, I just pay for childcare, anything for the children, the shopping and my own bills. My argument is that he earns 4x as much as me but he doesn't think I pay my fair share.

The other reason I said I've barely been speaking to him (and the main reason) is because I've got so much on my mind at the moment with next week's abortion pending. I am so unsure that I am making the right dedecision. I feel so guilty that I am killing our baby, particularly so late on in the pregnancy. However, I'm scared about how I will cope with 3 children under 3. I'm scared that either way, whether I go through with the abortion or not that our marriage is over. I'm scared about being on my own with 2 or possibly 3 young children. Part of me is thinking I can do it as my children make me so happy and I love them so much and I think my husband does really help with them in anyway anyway, but I am so worried about how I will cope financially.

I haven't got long to make my decision as the cut off for abortion is 23 weeks and 6 days (I will be 23 weeks 4 days when I have my appointment) so time is of the essence.

Everyone has their opinions about abortion and right now I don't think I can take much more guilt.

Has anyone been in a similar situation please? Please help.

I can't believe this selfish tool is expecting you to go there, have the surgery by yourself and make your own way back. Please consider what you want and not his wants. You need to leave this horrible man.

You're being unfair and judgemental.

I read this and could not believe what a callous attitude this man has. O literally feel absolutely angry for you.

God, you poor thing 💐💐

Your DH is horrible. He doesn't sound like he cares at all about you. If you want to keep the baby, keep it - and lose the DH. I suspect you would be happier with the baby and no husband.
Good luck with whatever you decide.

I would tell your husband to leave, he's clearly not interested in the marriage in any way shape or form. Who tells a woman who is considering what you are to do it alone? That's just downright cruel.
I hope you decide what is right for you and I say that as someone who has had a termination at 24wks (fatal fetal abnormalities) and my partner did not leave my side. Your husband should be doing the same or helping with his kids while your away

Honestly - I had an abortion before and it practically destroyed me. I still cry about it sometimes. Really think about it. 22 weeks is quite far along. You might be in shock about finding out you're pregnant. Can you chat with your family?

How? What’s unfair? It’s true. Unpalatable but true. And absolutely her right to choose it, and also be fully in possession of all facts.

i’m so sorry you’re going through this. whatever decision you make needs to be what YOU want. i got pushed into an abortion by my partner years ago, i was only 8 weeks and the guilt ate me up for years. i wouldn’t do it again nevermind at 23 weeks - not for someone else anyway. i think either way you need to get rid of him, finances will work out in the end

My comment was to @Azerothi

I hope you're okay you really seem to have a lot on your plate right now but you will do what's best for you! you need to think about yourself and what's going to be the best thing for you in the future!
whatever you do you have my support and I hope your ok truly

Make the right decision for YOU, and please let that include getting rid of the man

I had a missed miscarriage so I was twenty weeks and discovered the baby had died so had a surgical abortion. It's really not nice as it involves forcing your body into labour and giving birth and then a general anaesthetic for an ERPC. The staff were lovely but I couldn't have gone through it alone and nor should you have to either. You h has shown you who he is, believe him. Make your decision on what is right for you and your children whether two or three.Your marriage is over regardles so don't take into account the thoughts and feelings of your pig of a husband.

This.

Whatever you decide OP - it’s your body and this decision is yours alone to make, don’t let him pressure you or threaten you in any way.
You can do this. Support is available, you don’t need him. 💐

I've had a termination at 5/6weeks which was very tough based on morals. But now that I've had a child and experienced full-term pregnancy, i think taking action at 22weeks would be a different kind of beast.

I'm not casting judgement, I say that to say, only do it if you feel YOURSELF 100% committed to the decision. Not becuase of anything else. It's your body and your morals.

Have you discussed the process of the abortion and had counselling? Going through an abortion at this late stage will have a massive physical and emotional affect on you. You will need lots of support from your husband and will likely not be in any fit state to look after your other DC for a good while. You will likely need therapy. I'm sorry your husband is an abusive man OP. In your shoes I'd keep the baby and move on with life without him.

That's a terrible way to treat your wife. What a fucking prick.

Op I'm so sorry you're having to go through this alone 💐

OP you need to decide what you want. I'm afraid your husband sounds utterly callous. His lack of support would be a deal breaker for me. How can he leave you to go through a late termination alone, yet make a massive fuss over recovering from the snip.

So - you need to have a talk with a health professional about how much you've been drinking, and the likely impact so you've all the information you need.

Then you need to decide if you want the baby on your own. Is your DH worth having an abortion for? Personally it sounds like he's uninterested so I'd be planning a future on my own, and looking into child support levels and maintenance. Like so many men, I'm sure he'll make lots of threats and get nasty if you leave. Its a process they use to wear you down and limit their financial responsibilities.

jeez woman. Im as pro choice as they come (ive had an abortion in the past) but pro choice means choice, and you are being railroaded and bullied into this by a man who clearly already has one foot out of the door and is planning to go for 2 weeks fishing to recover from the fckn SNIP, while expecting you to go through a late term abortion?
Hes a prick. An absolute prick.

What would you choose if he wasnt there. Can you find a plan/? a way to make it work?

I'm sorry I think he is very selfish man child and I would want out of a relationship with him

Leave him and keep your baby.

My DH had the snip. Very groggy for a day, back as desk wfh the next day. Sore, a bit grumpy, and tired for a few days then fine.

So sorry OP but I agree with pp that he sounds awful and so uncaring. Why schedule his op for the same time you are going through all this?! The deed is done so there is no rush for the snip right now! He is equally responsible for the pregnancy and he needs to support you and his kids. He doesn’t get the sole right to decide whether or not you have the baby and he doesn’t have the right to put his needs above everything else and bugger off fishing!
If I were you, I’d be preparing to spend my life without him in it and make your decision on this basis.

I'm so sorry you're going through this. My heart aches for you and the situation you're currently in. You do not deserve the lack of support from your husband and father of your children, it sounds like he is handling this in the worst way possible and being incredibly selfish.

I do not feel qualified to give you advice on what to do with your husband, however in regards to abortion maybe I can. I had an abortion and while at the time I felt it was the right thing to do, the effects afterwards hit me psychologically much to my surprise. That isn't to say all people who have an abortion feel this way, for some it is absolutely the correct choice and they continue to have happy and successful lives. However, I want to stress that this must be the right choice for you. Take your husband out of the equation. This is not his choice to make. What do you want? Is this the right choice for you? Have you got a good support system in place after your abortion or people you can fall back on if your husband fails to step up for you?

I still think about the choice i made to this day and the what ifs. It was not an easy decision and i do not envy you right now. I hope your husband sees sense and is there for you in your time of need. If he isn't hopefully you have people you can fall back on in this difficult time.

He must only catch tiny fish. The NHS advice on vasectomy recovery:
"You can usually return to work 1 or 2 days after a vasectomy, but should avoid sport and heavy lifting for at least a week after the procedure"

Worth checking whether you'd be better off financially if divorced.