Hi, I have question and maybe someone has experienced the same as I am, and can help me.
My best friend and I have been very close since we met on the first day of primary school. I never liked children, I found them noisy and was uncomfortable around them. My friend was the exact opposite and has talked about having children since we were 15-16 years old. She would babysit for anyone that asked and wanted a child more than anything.
We’re now both 43 years old and because I found a man more amazing than I’d thought possible I now have the sweetest 14 year old boy and the giggliest 10 year old girl. My friend has never been anything but happy for me and she loves being around my children.
After kissing a lot of frogs she finally found a great guy a couple of years ago and now she’s finally pregnant.
The issue is that she has smoked since she was 16 and she’s tried quitting now, but she’s not able to. It is tearing her apart. She is feeling horribly guilty and it is ruining her ability to be happy that she finally is pregnant. She is hiding her smoking from her partner and cries almost every time we’re together.
While I am the kind that would not touch alcohol (I am not judging those who do) while pregnant and have never smoked, I hold her when she cries and I always tell her that the fact that she’s been able to go from 10-12 cigarettes a day to 4-5 is a huge feat and that the fact that she has managed that because she loves her unborn child so much is something she should be proud of.
She has these doomsday scenarios in her head that she’s killing her baby and that she’ll miscarry and that it will be her fault, and I keep assuring her that she absolutely will not. I’ve told her that every cigarette she manages not to smoke is a win and that 4-5 a day is not going to damage her unborn child.
The thing is, that from what I’ve read of research on the topic, this might not be true. As I understand it smoking increases the probability of asthma in children and that when she smokes she affects the amount of oxygen her unborn child gets through the placenta.
I truly believe the fact that she’s managed to cut her smoking in half is huge and that it must have been very difficult to do.
I will continue to support her and do what I can to try to help her get to a mental place where she can enjoy the pregnancy she has wanted since she was a teenager.
But should I try to encourage her to quit completely? I’m also worried I’m enabling something that might hurt her child and that she might cause her child to get chronic illnesses they would otherwise not have.
We have never talked about potential harmful side effects and I think she’s very aware of them, and that is most likely why this is so hard for her, and me bringing that up might only make it worse. It sounds like (from what she’s telling me) that I’m the one friend she has that is being nothing but supportive. And I’m afraid of what it would do to her if I too start trying to get her to quit instead.
I have not told my husband that she is smoking because I think he would judge her and tell my friend’s partner. In a way it feels like I’m carrying her secret too.
What do I do? 🥺