Smoking during pregnancy

[QueenGuinevere]

Hi, I have question and maybe someone has experienced the same as I am, and can help me.

My best friend and I have been very close since we met on the first day of primary school. I never liked children, I found them noisy and was uncomfortable around them. My friend was the exact opposite and has talked about having children since we were 15-16 years old. She would babysit for anyone that asked and wanted a child more than anything.

We’re now both 43 years old and because I found a man more amazing than I’d thought possible I now have the sweetest 14 year old boy and the giggliest 10 year old girl. My friend has never been anything but happy for me and she loves being around my children.

After kissing a lot of frogs she finally found a great guy a couple of years ago and now she’s finally pregnant.

The issue is that she has smoked since she was 16 and she’s tried quitting now, but she’s not able to. It is tearing her apart. She is feeling horribly guilty and it is ruining her ability to be happy that she finally is pregnant. She is hiding her smoking from her partner and cries almost every time we’re together.

While I am the kind that would not touch alcohol (I am not judging those who do) while pregnant and have never smoked, I hold her when she cries and I always tell her that the fact that she’s been able to go from 10-12 cigarettes a day to 4-5 is a huge feat and that the fact that she has managed that because she loves her unborn child so much is something she should be proud of.

She has these doomsday scenarios in her head that she’s killing her baby and that she’ll miscarry and that it will be her fault, and I keep assuring her that she absolutely will not. I’ve told her that every cigarette she manages not to smoke is a win and that 4-5 a day is not going to damage her unborn child.

The thing is, that from what I’ve read of research on the topic, this might not be true. As I understand it smoking increases the probability of asthma in children and that when she smokes she affects the amount of oxygen her unborn child gets through the placenta.

I truly believe the fact that she’s managed to cut her smoking in half is huge and that it must have been very difficult to do.

I will continue to support her and do what I can to try to help her get to a mental place where she can enjoy the pregnancy she has wanted since she was a teenager.

But should I try to encourage her to quit completely? I’m also worried I’m enabling something that might hurt her child and that she might cause her child to get chronic illnesses they would otherwise not have.

We have never talked about potential harmful side effects and I think she’s very aware of them, and that is most likely why this is so hard for her, and me bringing that up might only make it worse. It sounds like (from what she’s telling me) that I’m the one friend she has that is being nothing but supportive. And I’m afraid of what it would do to her if I too start trying to get her to quit instead.

I have not told my husband that she is smoking because I think he would judge her and tell my friend’s partner. In a way it feels like I’m carrying her secret too.

What do I do? 🥺

Encourage her to speak to the smoking cessation midwife. As you can see from this thread, smoking in pregnancy, unfortunately, still happens.

Has she tried vaping OP? It is under researched at the moment but most midwives agree better than vaping. My friend smoked since 12 years old, 2 packs a day and thought she’d never quit but was supported to switch to vaping while pregnant and this worked.

Well you're very fortunate that your son is ok, the odds were very much against you. I don't know why you'd encourage someone not to bother smoking when their child might not be as fortunate. Imagine a foetus being exposed to nicotine plus all the other toxic chemicals, the way you can feel ill after having too many is enough to let you know it can't be any good

To those saying 4 cigarettes a day won't harm the baby, where's your research for that? That's over 1,000 cigarettes whilst the baby is growing

I never said she shouldn't quit if she could. All I said was that she'd done well to get down to the 4 a day and if she cant completely quit then shes at least minimised it. Berating her won't help at all

I wanted to quit smoking a year before I started trying for a baby, then it became I'll stop when I get pregnant, then I got pregnant and had a chemical pregnancy. I blamed the cigarettes but still had a couple. I finally managed to stop a couple of weeks before getting pregnant a second time, I've not had a cigarette in 2 years now.

I read Allan Carr's easy way to stop smoking and it was a game changer. I had to read it about 3 times for it to stick but I had it on kindle on my phone and I'd read a chapter every time I wanted a cigarette. Maybe suggest this to her, I never would have believed it would work but I was trying to stop for about 7 years before I actually managed it and I'm so glad I finally did

I don't get how people can be so incredibly selfish to smoke whilst pregnant, or for parents to smoke when the detrimental effects of second and third hand smoking are well known.

Even if she was smoking 1 cigarette a week/a month, she is damaging her baby via epigenetic changes that will make the child far more likely to suffer from metabolic syndrome in adulthood (type 2 diabetes, prone to being overweight, far more likely to die from a heart attack).

Parents who smoke, even if they do it outside, are harming their children, increasing their risk of cancers and metabolic disorders.

It's incredibly selfish. She should be trying to quit permanently (and her partner too if he smokes), not just whilst pregnant.

One of the problems regarding smoking in pregnancy is that historically women’s smoking was more of a thing in the 20th century, particularly 1920s onwards. So there are only a few generations of people who survived gestational smoking.

I am one of them. And as an adult I remain furious at my mum who couldn’t prioritise her pregnancy (which came after years of infertility) over her own habits. I mean, obvs I don’t think about it often but when it comes up I get quite cross at the level of selfishness.

the scientific literature shows that offspring of women exposed to smoke in utero are more likely to be neurodivergent, and I have one autistic child and one dyspraxic one. In addition, I was a low birth weight, and my sister was extremely prem following an abruption and has chronic asthma.

Oh please. We aren’t living in Handmaids Tale territory. What a stupid response

Totally agree with babyproblems. No one needs to be told. Smoking is incredibly addictive and she needs support, not censure.

OP I think the only thing you can do is to encourage her to engage with stop smoking services and keep on being supportive. You are a good friend.

The emotional stress she putting herself under will be doing the baby no good either. I've never smoked but have seen DPs struggles to quit. I think she needs to stop beating herself up and accept how well she is going already. You sound like an amazing friend.

@WandaWonder what good will telling her DH do, he can't lock her in the house or take her money away so she can't buy cigarettes.

I think DH already knows. People stink when they smoke and it’s incredibly hard to disguise

Of course there’s judgement, she’s willingly and knowingly exposing a tiny, developing, vulnerable foetus with no say in the matter to poison. Even second/third hand smoke has repercussions. I was told by NHS to ensure anyone that had smoked washed their hands and ideally clothes before holding baby, is she going to do that once baby is born?

Brilliant that she’s managed to cut down and I fully sympathise with how hard it must be but she’s got to put this baby first. After all, that’s what the rest of her life will be like!

There is copious world-wide research. None say smoking is ok during pregnancy. If you have evidence to the contrary please share it.

The real issue is that if anything goes wrong(and the risks increase with age) she will always blame herself and who knows what effects it will have on her mental health. She might even be angry at you for reassuring her it was ok. Grief and guilt are irrational.

Even now,the stress and the worry are a vicious circle as the more upset she gets the more likely she is to need the release of having a fag.

Has she been referred to a smoking cessation clinic? Has she tried the gums,patches etc or swapping to vaping?

This was a fair few years ago, but my midwife told me that a couple of cigarettes a day wouldn't harm the baby as much as the stress of trying to give up. I'd limit myself to 2 a day, one in the morning and one at night. I gave up when my dd was 2 as she started to copy me, and pretended to smoke. She's a healthy teen now.

I have to admit I was a bit shocked at some of the answers. Of course she loves her unborn child.

I would never tell her partner, it would not only destroy our friendship, but serve no purpose other than to make this worse for her.

I had not thought of her midwife and encouraging her to talk to her is a brilliant idea.

I was going to say this. Unless your friend’a husband is also a smoker, of course he’ll know.

I can't get my head around someone smoking whilst pregnant. Would they sit and blow smoke into a newborns face? Or give a baby a cigarette? It's only 9 months. She's already at risk being an older mum. So selfish and really upsetting.

I wouldn't say anything that's not true like it won't do any harm but shaming her isn't exactly going to help either. What has she tried in order to stop? I'd make something up like oh my friend was able to quit by vaping instead or reading a book etc.

Whilst feeling bad obviously shows she cares wallowing in self pity isn't going to do her baby any favours.

You must be severely lacking in imagination then .

I don't know about how, but it's not long ago the advice was its best to give up, but if you really can't, cut down, but do not put yourself through the self torture your friend is.

The stress and tension she is putting herself under is also bad for the baby.

Her midwife will be able to talk to her about this.

This was a fair few years ago, but my midwife told me that a couple of cigarettes a day wouldn't harm the baby as much as the stress of trying to give up.

This is incredibly out dated advice and I would advise anyone reading this thread to disregard it.

Midwife clinics now offer smoking cessation services.

She really needs to quit, as soon as possible. No level of cigarette smoking while pregnant or around a young child is safe, and folk are fooling themselves if they think there is no issue. Of course 5 is better than 10 and 10 is better than 20, but 0 is better than any amount.