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Original poster

I’m 19 and in my first year of university. Should I terminate?

109 replies

JanineR · 14/11/2023 13:22

To give more context to my situation, I do a degree that does not require many contact hours and it’s not a healthcare or science degree. I want to go into teaching after finishing my degree, but that’s in 3 years time when the potential baby would be 2 years old, or possibly 3 if I deferred due to health complications that could arise during pregnancy or birth.
I am not single, I have a committed partner who supports me through everything, whether financially or emotionally. I don’t currently work but I intend to work part-time in January. I get the maximum amount of student maintenance loan and I live with one of my parents and my boyfriend.
There would be no expectation for my parent to support me financially or provide childcare unless they wanted to.
My boyfriend has a job that pays fairly well and combined with my student loan it allows us to repair the house and help my parent out financially.
I am not sure whether it would be more reasonable to terminate or keep the baby. In my heart I am 100% sure I want to, but I don’t want to be selfish and potentially ruin this innocent child’s life due to our irresponsibility.
Please respond with genuine advice on how I could approach this situation and secure myself and the baby if I decided to continue the pregnancy.
Thank you,
Janine

OP posts:
Swirls346 · 14/11/2023 13:53

I think you have already made up your mind what you want to do- keep the baby. There's no reason you can't carry on your degree but I'm going to be realistic and say that it might be wiser to get a job and get some money behind you before the baby is here. It's hard to imagine what having a baby is like before you have one but they are very time consuming and you will obviously need maternity leave whatever option you choose (university or job). Sorry it's not much advice but I say go with your heart. You will regret it if you go against what you want deep down. What does your boyfriend want?
Good luck 🤞.

Original poster
JanineR · 14/11/2023 14:19

Thank you. You are right, getting a job now would certainly help me at least save up for an emergency fund. My boyfriend is supportive and wants the baby, however he is not pushing me to keep the baby in case I decided to terminate. He insists that we are in this together but the choice to terminate/keep is on me as I carry the baby.

OP posts:
ABCXYZ17 · 14/11/2023 14:22

You are young and will go on to have other children. If you want the baby then have it but be prepared for the impact this will have on your life. Teacher training is tough, there is no way I could have done it with a baby or young child. No one can tell you what to do but whatever you decide you will be okay.

Ascubudr · 14/11/2023 14:25

If you want to keep this baby you should, it may affect you very badly if you don't. 19 is not extremely young, you are an adult and have a supportive relationship.

LBFseBrom · 14/11/2023 14:28

Nobody can make your mind up for you, op.

In your place, I definitely would not want a baby but I am not you. If you do terminate, make sure your contraception is good for a few years.

Good luck whatever you decide.

Ponderingwindow · 14/11/2023 14:29

If you were my daughter, I would be trying to gently nudge you towards prioritizing your education.

Not having your own education and career established before having a child makes a woman and her child more vulnerable to abuse. Men often don’t show their true colors until after the baby is born. I would be very scared for my daughter to have a baby without a career in place where she could support herself and the child even if her relationship fell apart.

N4ish · 14/11/2023 14:33

I would definitely not continue with a pregnancy in your situation. You mention that you still live with a parent and although your partner is commited you are both still incredibly young. You will have many years in the future to have children when you're in a more stable position.

CatOnTheCludgy · 14/11/2023 14:34

I have a friend who this happened to. Her bloke legged it. She finished her degree, with baby. She is now at CEO level as her baby in her 20s is now a grown-up when she is in her 40s.
Don't just look at the now.
It will all work out x

daylightplease · 14/11/2023 14:35

You need to make the right decision for you.
I absolutely wouldn't have kept a pregnancy at your age but I know some women who did and made it work for them.
It will be a much tougher road to take but that doesn't mean it is the wrong path.

Pootles34 · 14/11/2023 14:38

I was in your exact shoes OP, except my partner was a dick. I knew immediately that I wanted a termination, it sounds like you feel the opposite?

I would go with how you feel, BUT think about how you will feel if things don't work out with your partner, would you be willing to be a single mum?

DanceMumTaxi · 14/11/2023 14:38

No one can make this decision for you. But if it was me I would terminate. You’re very young and I would prioritise your education and career first. I’m a teacher and your training year and ect years are very hard going. I wouldn’t have wanted to do that with a toddler. I’d been teaching 7 years before dc1 and that was bad enough, I wouldn’t have coped doing a PGCE with a 2 year old. I’m a very practical sort though and my head always wins over my head rightly or wrongly.

Curman · 14/11/2023 14:38

I agree that you have to do what is right for you. By already considering the needs of the potential baby you are showing that whenever you become a mother, you will be a good one.

I would consider housing and whether your parent will allow you to stay long-term. If not, this clearly has implications for how difficult things will be. Good luck.

Ascubudr · 14/11/2023 14:38

Ponderingwindow · 14/11/2023 14:29

If you were my daughter, I would be trying to gently nudge you towards prioritizing your education.

Not having your own education and career established before having a child makes a woman and her child more vulnerable to abuse. Men often don’t show their true colors until after the baby is born. I would be very scared for my daughter to have a baby without a career in place where she could support herself and the child even if her relationship fell apart.

If you were my daughter I would support you entirely, including enabling you to complete your degree.

I am not religious but a baby is a gift and a blessing. I would welcome any child into our family and our home Xxx

JL690 · 14/11/2023 14:42

I work in education. I've seen women on the course I work on become pregnant during their studies. One carried on studying, the other put her studies on hold for a year and restarted them after the baby was born, so it can be done. Both have supportive partners and the university was very supportive too.

jlpth · 14/11/2023 14:43

I’d keep the baby, since you want to. Presumably your parent is relatively young and would help you, after the initial shock.

ScarboroughHair · 14/11/2023 14:44

It sounds like you have thought carefully about the ins and outs and how it will affect your life, and you want to keep the baby, so I think that's what you should do. It wouldn't have been right for me because I wanted freedom and to be able to travel the world at your age, but we all want different things. There are advantages to having children young, I envy my 40 year old friend who now has her life back whilst I'm barely out of nappies with mine.

Riverlee · 14/11/2023 14:45

What do you want to do? I think if you were set on a termination you wouldn’t be posting here. The fact that you are shows that you have doubts.

When is the baby due? Can you continue with your studies, then defer a year when the baby is young. Then continue with your studies, either full time or part time?

Have you spoken to the university to see what they have in place for this situation?

When I was at uni, I knew people who had babies and continued with their courses.

Illegallyblonder · 14/11/2023 14:47

You sound lovely and responsible, go for it if you want to keep it. It's hard work but you're young, it'll be fine. Good luck.

WaWaWaWaaaaaa · 14/11/2023 14:47

If I were in your situation I would abort but I know I wouldn't have any regrets. Having a baby is the most amazing thing you can do but it's better if you can make sure you are in the best position possible.

I'd give university your full attention and look forward to having a baby in a few years time when you are qualified.

Switcher · 14/11/2023 14:48

Keep it

NotLactoseFree · 14/11/2023 14:48

There is no right or wrong thing here. if you want to keep it, you sound sensible and practical and I am sure you could make it work. If you'd rather prioritise your education, that's completely fine too.

Either way, don't make a decision based on the potential this pregnancy has but rather on what is best for YOU at this point in your life.

notmorezoom · 14/11/2023 14:49

Personally I'd have a termination, get on with your life, have kids in a decade or so when you can more easily support them. BF may or may not hang around so make your decisions based on possibly being a single parent.

Stargazer46 · 14/11/2023 14:51

I terminated a pregnancy that I wanted for good reasons but the fact that it wasn’t what I really wanted to do made it very difficult to come to terms with. You sound as if you want to continue with this pregnancy which means the impact on your mental health of a termination could be as disruptive to your education as having a baby. It won’t be easy (having a baby never is!) but if it’s what you really want you’ll make it work. Good luck with whatever you decide.

pontipinemum · 14/11/2023 14:51

You've said in your heart you want the baby. I think you can make it work. But whatever you decide it sounds like you have good support around you.

DogLegMotor · 14/11/2023 14:52

I think the realities of the cost of childcare (£1k per month) and not even living independently yet would make me nudge you toward not keeping it. I have a son at uni, I would want him to get his degree, start his job and get his own place before considering children.

You have no idea if you will be able to complete your studies. I had one text book easy baby and then one completely poorly, under a paediatric care baby with appointments and prescriptions. Luckily he slept, but on me, all the time. I could not imagine trying to do my degree with that responsibility.

As lovely as babies are, you only have to look on the different MN boards ie sleep, relationships, parenting, to know it isn't all rainbows and butterflies. It is like putting a bomb in your relationship for a start. You could choose to get pregnant later when you are ready, when you have savings, when you are in your own place and that comes from having a job that pays for it. You are 19 and literally in your first year of uni.

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