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Original poster

Gutted by gender stereotypes

199 replies

Genderstereotype · 01/10/2023 17:31

I’ve name changed for this one as it’s outing!

I’m a lifelong (fairly hardcore) feminist and am so depressed about all the gender stereotypes you hear when pregnant and when you have a newborn!

Friends who I’d previously thought were pretty pro equality are just as bad and I feel quite down about it all!

All I get asked is ‘what are you having?’ (I don’t know) which I don’t really mind. But then they take this as a cue to launch into stereotypes about girls being <insert stereotype> and boys being <insert stereotype> It’s infuriating. I’ve heard stereotypes about dads wanting boys and mums wanting girls. Boys loving their mums more and girls being easy toddlers but hard teens. And various other BS. I don’t think I’ve ever heard such unashamed sexism in my life! Loads of it from teachers too!

I think gender stereotypes are incredibly limiting to both sexes and it’s making me genuinely upset (granted my hormones are wild right now too haha)

Is it just me? Can anyone else relate?

OP posts:
Skinthin · 02/10/2023 18:46

Ugh OP I know exactly what you mean and how you feel. It doesn’t stop with the baby either, once you become a parent and get inaugurated into the society of parents you find the world becomes more gendered and sexist than you could ever imagine it to be 😭😭.

Original poster
Genderstereotype · 02/10/2023 19:03

@Skinthin I’m glad other people recognise it too. It all feels so annoyingly normalised! I can’t believe anyone actually likes life like this and would want to perpetuate this. Who enjoys shopping for pink ‘be kind’ tat in the girls section and a sea of grey drudge for their boys! It’s all so boring and it doesn’t have to be.

OP posts:
Skinthin · 02/10/2023 19:45

Honestly I think it makes a lot of people just feel really comfortable and validated in their identity and role 😔. Makes my skin crawl honestly. Then there’s the whole (hetero-)sexualisation of babies “ohh he’s such a ladies man”, “she’s such a little flirt”. Etc 🤢

Moriquendi · 02/10/2023 20:18

I agree to an extent (the blue and pink stuff is utter rubbish) but I also think you can’t change what children are interested in. Neither me nor my husband have any interest in diggers/ helicopters/ tractors/ trains but our son is obsessed. We bought him the toys after the interest became apparent, not before. He has a baby doll that he loves too and is obsessed with all types of animals, from worms to cats to dragons. But transport vehicles are still his favourite.

Moriquendi · 02/10/2023 20:25

Also, I would agree with girls being harder teens to parent! Me and my sister were definitely much harder work for my parents than our brothers. For teenage girls friendships and relationships are very important to them and when it goes wrong it goes very wrong! The way girls have a tight knit friendship group, whereas boys are more likely to have a bigger looser friendship group is some of the problem here I think.

Im sure it is societal but girls are also more prone to anxiety/ mental health problems/ depression/ anorexia etc and by the time they are teens their peer group has much bigger influence than you do as a parent. So until you intend not to sent them to school I think that on average girls are harder to parent than boys as teens.

Yellowlily8 · 02/10/2023 20:29

To be brutally honest, I always think that people who complain about this kind of stuff must not have any real problems.

Original poster
Genderstereotype · 02/10/2023 20:32

To be brutally honest @Yellowlily8 I always think that people who don’t get worked up about sexism (and many other isms) are vapid dumb dumbs to whom critical thinking is too much like hard work.

OP posts:
Dotcheck · 02/10/2023 20:35

SisterMichaelsHabit · 01/10/2023 18:38

I was in the hearing test for DS4 with a speech delay and had DD1 with me, when I said that DS4 is struggling and DD has more functional language at 1 than he does at 4, the audiologist literally said "girls learn to talk faster than boys". 🤦‍♀️

But, do they?

Canyousewcushions · 02/10/2023 20:40

I was you once. I have 3 girls. We have trains, cars and garages, dinosaurs, tool kits and spatial toys as well as dolls. They played with them when they were little but as they've got older have reverted more and more to stereotype and are now all properly girly despite my best efforts and their hobbies are totally girly- though they do still love climbing a good tree.

Having done years of birthday parties etc too I think there do just seem to be some differences in how they are inclined to play, develop and interact with other- I'm much more inclined now to think there are some reasons behind the stereotypes, as much as I'd love for that not to be true!!

HyggeTygge · 02/10/2023 20:41

I was equally amazed, so much total crap starts emerging once you have a baby. Gender stereotypes, badly understood assumptions about milk, colic, everything. It's like objective data goes to die after that baby arrives!

You get people proclaiming "boys are like this, girls are like that" based on what they've seen in their one or two kids and their peers, selectively noticed and already socialised as that gender.

WhatNoPeas · 02/10/2023 20:41

I was you OP before I had my son.

He knows all about gender stereotypes and how you can do and be who you want. When I told him he could do what he wanted with his hair he grew it long.

The majority (but not the totality) of what your hear about gender differences is bullshit, but prepare yourself for your child to conform to stereotype despite your input. My boy is very active, won't sit still, not interested in drawing, not interested in the doll and pram I bought just in case it was of interest.

A good example is that we were away on holiday in a hotel and after a few days one of the regular staff members, having seen my son out and about playing, started a conversation and said "she's just like a little boy!"

SouthLondonMum22 · 02/10/2023 20:48

Canyousewcushions · 02/10/2023 20:40

I was you once. I have 3 girls. We have trains, cars and garages, dinosaurs, tool kits and spatial toys as well as dolls. They played with them when they were little but as they've got older have reverted more and more to stereotype and are now all properly girly despite my best efforts and their hobbies are totally girly- though they do still love climbing a good tree.

Having done years of birthday parties etc too I think there do just seem to be some differences in how they are inclined to play, develop and interact with other- I'm much more inclined now to think there are some reasons behind the stereotypes, as much as I'd love for that not to be true!!

It makes perfect sense that generally, the older they get, the more they conform to stereotypical norms because they aren't just influenced by home. Society is a huge influence and as they get older, they go to nursery and school and are influenced by it more and more.

HyggeTygge · 02/10/2023 20:50

I think a lot of it is down to different framing of the same behaviour. Bossy kid is a diva or takes the lead. Quiet kid is shy, polite or academic, studious. Funny kids are social queen bees or play the class joker.

I have two of the same sex and I can think of loads of typical qualities of their sex, and typical qualities of the opposite sex, that they have- one more typical of their sex than the other.

TryAgainWithFeeling · 02/10/2023 20:56

Oh there is so much sexist crap, I hate to tell you it’s only just beginning!

My mum was clearly disappointed at first that I was having a boy, though she didn’t say anything. A few weeks down the line she says “well, I’ll still be able to bake cupcakes with him won’t I”. And has bravely launched in to the world of not being limited by gender. Bought them dolls and a bright pink doll pushchair, manages not to wince when they pull the princess dresses out of the dressing up box.

I dress my boys in bright colours. They have blonde hair. They’re constantly mistaken for girls. But people then say epically stupid stuff: “oh, they’re so rambunctious of course they’re boys”. Well, except two minutes ago when you thought they were girls!

Skinthin · 02/10/2023 21:19

Canyousewcushions · 02/10/2023 20:40

I was you once. I have 3 girls. We have trains, cars and garages, dinosaurs, tool kits and spatial toys as well as dolls. They played with them when they were little but as they've got older have reverted more and more to stereotype and are now all properly girly despite my best efforts and their hobbies are totally girly- though they do still love climbing a good tree.

Having done years of birthday parties etc too I think there do just seem to be some differences in how they are inclined to play, develop and interact with other- I'm much more inclined now to think there are some reasons behind the stereotypes, as much as I'd love for that not to be true!!

You do realise that gender socialisation extends well beyond the parents don’t you??
my 4 year old regularly now says things to me like “I like girls more than boys because girls are more beautiful”. Have I taught her this? Hell no. Is this an objective truth she has observed in the world? Of course not. It’s gender stereotyping that she’s learned from her peers, the media, nursery, the world at large, etc.

HyggeTygge · 02/10/2023 21:24

Yep, kids build very rigid "rules" based on what they see. I drive and DH doesn't, so to some extent they used to think driving is a woman's job. And some behaviour attracts more "attention" and brain space - so you're more likely to clock 3 boys fighting than 3 boys reading quietly.

MaggieBsBoat · 02/10/2023 21:24

Genderstereotype · 02/10/2023 20:32

To be brutally honest @Yellowlily8 I always think that people who don’t get worked up about sexism (and many other isms) are vapid dumb dumbs to whom critical thinking is too much like hard work.

I think you’ll have a bit of a wake up call in a few years OP.
Good luck. Stay strong. You’re not the first to discover this. Hopefully you’ll have the energy to fight the good fight for the rest of your life and not make any mistakes.

Martin83 · 02/10/2023 21:34

It's amazing how much women want girls, all of my wife friends and relatives want girls. After three boys we are finally having a girl and I'm pleased because my wife is happy!

But can anyone explain to me why on earth do we have to purchase everything again just because she is a girl. New pram, car seat, tons of dresses, blankets everything in pink! Is this some sort of women's fantasy of having a baby girl?

HyggeTygge · 02/10/2023 22:02

Martin83 · 02/10/2023 21:34

It's amazing how much women want girls, all of my wife friends and relatives want girls. After three boys we are finally having a girl and I'm pleased because my wife is happy!

But can anyone explain to me why on earth do we have to purchase everything again just because she is a girl. New pram, car seat, tons of dresses, blankets everything in pink! Is this some sort of women's fantasy of having a baby girl?

Not all women Hmm Loads of my friends reuse the boy clothes, much easier that way round! It's not that hard to avoid pink either, if you want to...

I did see a FB ad asking for toddler bed "for a girl"...?!

New pram etc is bonkers - altho after 3 kids it might be a bit knackered...

Vick99 · 03/10/2023 10:41

When my first child, a boy, got moving, all he wanted to do was push wheeled vehicles across the floor. All the other baby/toddler toys were more or less ignored, and over time our house became more and more full of toy vehicles.

When my second, a girl, got moving I thought it would be very interesting because the only toys we really had were vehicles.... so presumably she would have to play with them, right?! But no. For want of any toys she liked, she spent all her time dragging her clothes (which were in a box downstairs) from one room to another, and trying to put them on. She paid the vehicles little or no attention!

And it's worth mentioning that neither child went to any kind of childcare until after age 2.

HyggeTygge · 03/10/2023 10:52

So your daughter didn't play with any toys?

SouthLondonMum22 · 03/10/2023 12:30

Vick99 · 03/10/2023 10:41

When my first child, a boy, got moving, all he wanted to do was push wheeled vehicles across the floor. All the other baby/toddler toys were more or less ignored, and over time our house became more and more full of toy vehicles.

When my second, a girl, got moving I thought it would be very interesting because the only toys we really had were vehicles.... so presumably she would have to play with them, right?! But no. For want of any toys she liked, she spent all her time dragging her clothes (which were in a box downstairs) from one room to another, and trying to put them on. She paid the vehicles little or no attention!

And it's worth mentioning that neither child went to any kind of childcare until after age 2.

Even before nursery, they are exposed to society and influenced by it. I'm sure she had other toys that didn't involve wheels and was bought toys by family members etc.

Even how people talk to and play with children can be different depending on if they are a boy or a girl.

Vick99 · 03/10/2023 12:57

HyggeTygge · 03/10/2023 10:52

So your daughter didn't play with any toys?

I'm sure if I sat with her to play then she did, but when she was left to her own devices her main activity was playing with her clothes. I'm talking about babyhood/early toddlerhood by the way - she is school age now and plays beautifully with her toys!

I guess what I'm saying is that before I had children I would have said that the differences between the sexes were down to nurture, but having experienced a boy and girl for myself I now veer much more to the side of nature - though, of course, I would never say that societal expectations don't also have a huge influence.

Martin83 · 03/10/2023 13:28

Vick99 · 03/10/2023 10:41

When my first child, a boy, got moving, all he wanted to do was push wheeled vehicles across the floor. All the other baby/toddler toys were more or less ignored, and over time our house became more and more full of toy vehicles.

When my second, a girl, got moving I thought it would be very interesting because the only toys we really had were vehicles.... so presumably she would have to play with them, right?! But no. For want of any toys she liked, she spent all her time dragging her clothes (which were in a box downstairs) from one room to another, and trying to put them on. She paid the vehicles little or no attention!

And it's worth mentioning that neither child went to any kind of childcare until after age 2.

It's just fascinating how much girls and boys are different. We have 3 boys and the house is full of toys like cars, guns, balls, robots.
Whenever we have our friends with girls around they find it totally boring. In fact over time we came to realisation that we only have people with boys coming to our house.

Original poster
Genderstereotype · 03/10/2023 13:31

Yeah @Martin83 but earlier in the thread you said your wife and her mates were sexist! So I’d be surprised if your expectations aren’t shaping their behaviour.

My older child plays with all sorts of toys. Doesn’t gravitate to either sex‘s toys especially. I expect this to change once school aged and society’s rubbish properly kicks in

OP posts: