Gender disappointment

[Pregnancydisappointment]

I’ve name changed as feel embarrassed, stressed, upset and really anxious about this. I really need some help to get my head straight and hopefully some reassurance that my mindset will change.

I am pregnant following IVF, so it’s a very much wanted, planned for and awaited pregnancy. I am apprehensive about how much a baby/child will change our lives, but excited as well. I knew I would ‘prefer’ a girl (as would my husband), but the level of my disappointment when we found out the gender (boy) at my 20week scan has floored me. I feel like I have no ‘right’ to feel like this, especially given through IVF I know so many people who would give anything to be in the position I am now, but I still can’t seem to shake how it’s made me feel.

Its suddenly made me feel resentful of this thing growing inside me, I don’t want ‘him’ there, he is not meant to be there. I’ve had points where I feel like I’d rather not be pregnant than have a boy - and I don’t know why I feel like this.

Reading online, articles talk about it being managing a change from your expectations/dreams/wishes, maybe due to your parent relationships, type of life you imagined etc. I guess maybe this is some of it, although I didn’t expect it to hit me like this. I always would have ‘imagined’ a girl, my relationship with my dad is variable, my mum passed away a couple of years ago, quite young, and my due date is literally a day after her birthday. I guess all this played into my preference….but regardless of the reasons, how do I change my mindset now? Anyone else feel a similar disappointment and now happy with whichever gender they had?

Never experienced this myself. However you really have to contact your midwife asap. What you're saying is slightly worrying OP.

I hope you're ok and get the help you need 💐

Is it that you wanted a girl, or didn’t want a boy, if you see what I mean? Or both? Do you know why? I wasn’t disappointed when I had a boy but had reservations. I knew if it was guaranteed that my boy would be wonderful and kind then I wouldn’t feel worried at all, so it wasn’t gender disappointment as such, just concerns that he would be like some of my less-than-nice male relatives. He’s here now and I love him so so much.

I'm sorry you're feeling this way. As PP has said I think you might need to contact your midwife, there is a mental health midwife team which might be helpful to you. Be very honest though so they can help.

I could tell you all the fantastic things about having boys (I have two) but I'm fairly sure how you're feeling probably isn't going to stop by being told boys are fab as I'm sure you already know all this in your head. 🤍

I get it OP. It won't help you probably, as it didn't help me when I was pregnant with DS (I wanted a girl and shopped for a girl, insisting to everyone it was a girl). I was heartbroken when I discovered he was a he!

I can hand on heart say, he was born and I adored him. So so much. I just adore having a son. He's beautiful and gorgeous. He's lovely. I really can't be bothered with the idea of a DD!

BUT. It's your choice - you can either seek some counselling or if you want, you can terminate. Your body, your choice. But you'll have to act fast as you won't have long to sort that out

It's also more complex for you because you cannot simply terminate and get pregnant again - you've had IVF so it's more complex I know

Just wanted to say I felt like you did

Sending love and support, well done for talking about it, always better to start saying these things. Do reach out to your midwife as they will have heard it all before and wont judge.

Especially with IVF theres a lot of planning and dreaming and anxiety and this may be how its manifesting. If you can afford private therapy then i promise it will be worth it.

I always thought i wanted girls but now ive had a boy and its perfect. I want a football team now.

Are you seriously encouraging someone to have a termination just because it’s a boy. What the fuck. Absolutely reprehensible.

Don't feel embarrassed. You've had to fight harder than most to get pregnant so why shouldn't you be disappointed it wasn't the sex you preferred.

Honestly, you won't always feel this way. You'll be so in love when that baby is in your arms. The longing and "what ifs" won't go away but the disappointment will.

From a mum with two boys who desperately wanted a girl.

I think gender disappointment is normal to an extent but feeling resentful of the baby is a step further and I kindly suggest you need to seek help from your antenatal team.

Once he is here, he will be your perfect little boy and you won't be able to imagine anything else. The difficulty will be managing your feelings up to that point.

Oh @Pregnancydisappointment I do understand, it doesn’t make you the worst person in the world or anything like that!

I know - MN never understand this and it’s very taboo on here. But I sensed from the very start of my pregnancy with DS that I was having a boy. I just knew. It was a long awaited pregnancy and I remember feeling this feeling of horrible resentment when I was feeling sick and I thought … I’m going through all this for a bloody BOY. Then felt horrendous.

DS is now two and a half, I love him dearly and of course wouldn’t swap him - but I will admit I’m longing for a girl in this pregnancy.

Why? I wish I could answer that. I wish it was something as daft as pink dresses or princesses as that would be so easy to explain away but as it is it is this deep feared feeling within me and I don’t know why.

What is important is you will love your baby and give him a great life. As I will

@Tomateen I'm not 'Encouraging' anything. The first thing I did was tell Op that I felt the same yet adore my son soon as he was born and wouldn't change/want a girl at all anymore

But it's her body. It's her choice. If she really really doesn't want it and she doesn't want counselling, that's her choice 🤷🏻‍♀️

Just to add I do think there is a longing for a girl that is particularly prominent for those of us who lost our own mothers young

I had to go through a lot of losses and IVF to have a healthy pregnancy so I can understand to a certain extent the pressure and expectation you have put on yourself and the baby. And the expectation that you should be happy whatever because of how they were conceived

Particularly conceiving via IVF - it's much harder statistically to then try for a sibling as you are older etc. so you put everything onto this one baby. Compared to those with no known fertility issues who can conceive much easier and quickly

I didn't have a preference - I will admit that - after so many losses I was just beyond grateful to be able to bring a baby home. But I suppose I did in the early days of TTC naturally.

However perhaps thinking back to your IVF process would help - about how stressful it was, the heartache of needing it in the first place, the roller coaster of stress hoping praying it would work and this little embryo which is now your son has made it against the odds - because let's be honest - IVF success rates are woeful. He's your miracle baby

I have a son. (And a daughter I will admit) I love them both equally but my IVF son.... well the saying about mothers and sons is true 🥰

Part of this may well just be trepidation of the birth and being a parent.

You’ve not had an easy journey to get this far and possibly worry about this being your last chance to be a mum, that things can still ‘go wrong’, that you don’t want to get your hopes up too high ‘just in case’, don’t want to ‘jinx it’…

I know that saying ‘you are lucky to have a healthy baby’ isn’t helpful when you feel this type of grief (for the girl you imagined) but deep down you know it’s a fact.

What does having a girl baby mean over a boy? Pretty dresses and ballet recitals? Brushing her long hair and playing with dolls? Walking her down the aisle… try to rationalise why you currently feel that a girl is preferable to you than a boy.

I always assumed I’d have a girl. It’s mostly girls in our part of the family but I began to ‘know’ during pregnancy that he was a boy. A boy! I’d not grown up around boys - never played with boys, wasn’t interested in boys until I was much older, couldn’t imagine having a boy baby…

Of course, here he is, a lovely young man, and really was the cutest and sweetest child you can imagine. I do think that little boys are very sweet.

Do you have friends or family with children that you can broach the subject with? Speak to the midwife or ask about sex disappointment in your anti natal class? Try to talk it out and rationalise it. You can’t change the wee chaps sex, and you will only beat yourself up later with guilt over wishing he was otherwise.

Thank you for all the quick replies.

The comment about is the disappointment that it’s not a girl, or that it is a boy. I don’t know, I hadn’t really thought about it like that. Probably that it’s not a girl, it’s not that I wanted a girly girl - ballet, pink, princesses isn’t me, and isn’t really what I would have wanted anyway. I think maybe it’s more the mother-daughter relationship and losing another chance at having that, all be it a different way round, and some is apprehension about a boy. I know I shouldn’t be putting that sort of ‘pressure’ on my child though. We can’t afford any more IVF, so baring any true miraculous conception, but this is it.

The comment about termination, to be honest, I appreciate as well. In reality I know I only have two options - have the baby, or not. And there is no way I would not have him, despite what feelings I keep having. I know that isn’t an option I could live with - so I need to sort my feelings out towards him.

Thank you to the people who have said they felt similar - it’s reassuring that other people have felt like that, and come through it ok. I doesn’t feel like something I can admit to people in real life!

ive been reluctant to talk to the midwife or GP, probably sounds silly, I’m not good at talking about my emotions with people and am worried it will mean my card it marked, so to speak, with mental health issues etc, and I don’t want that to be something that I keep getting people mentioning/looking at. I know that’s silly though, and shouldn’t be worried to seek support.

I actually still don't know if I'm having a girl or boy, but my preference is girl, and it's taken a lot of mental gymnastics on my part to get my head round the fact that it might be a boy.

Purely because growing up I imagined having a girl, and then mother-daughter relationship, and sending her to the lovely all girls school I went to - I had imagined a whole life. But tbh that's not realistic even if I do have a girl! She'll be her own person and not the imagined girl in my head.

I already have a boy and I love him to be bits but they're honestly like a different species 😂 I didn't have a lot of experience with boy children before this...!

You've got time to get your head right - it's ok to feel disappointed but you've got to knock that resentment on the head, that's just bad energy.

How long have you known? It can take a while to get your head around it, I thought I was having a girl but found out at 20 weeks it was a boy. I didn't feel resentful but (& I wouldn't admit it irl) I was a bit disappointed for several weeks. Once he arrived though he was just my baby & his sex was neither here nor there. Give yourself some time to adjust to the idea, its understandable (I got told some gubbins about daughters being yours forever but sons only until they find a wife lots. Unhelpful). Once he's here you'll love him to bits & be unable to imagine anything different x

I just want to validate how you feel because gender disappointment is real and you can't underestimate how it will make you feel. This, coupled with all the hormones makes it so much harder to "think straight". However when that baby is placed in your arms after he is born, you will probably be amazed at how little you feel bothered about his gender. Because he is yours and he has arrived.
Be kind to yourself. IVF is absolutely brutal and your body is going through a lot.

@Pregnancydisappointment you’re allowed to feel what you feel but just know that little boys are the absolute best!! They love their Mumma so much and are the dream. I too wanted a girl first but I’m SO happy I had a boy. The sweetest love you will experience.

I think it could be a good thing. As you say if the baby was a girl you may try to ‘fix’ the cycles of poor mother daughter relationships, you may have expectations that the baby could struggle to live up to or meet. Or you may project or be a bit emotional always comparing with your own mother and your relationship. You had imagined things a certain way, but they were never going to be that anyway.
at least the boy is coming in almost as a blank slate, no expectations.
its ok to feel however you feel, sit with that feeling for a bit, then let it go. As long as you don’t act on it. I think you’re not upset he’s a boy, you’re just grieving for that chance at the imagined future you had planned.

I wonder if it's more to do with your mums death than you might think? I'm so sorry to hear that and this is a big life change.

Fwiw I had bad gender disappointment (I know how devastating it can feel the guilt and mix of feelings) but honestly the worst moment is at that 20 week scan and then until the birth, then once they are born it just gets better and better until you wouldn't swap them for the other sex for all the money in the world!

It takes time but don't beat yourself up, you can't control feelings. Trust me when I say it'll all be great in the end xx

You won't believe it now, but when you have your baby and he's the most perfect thing you've ever laid eyes on, and then when he's growing up with his own personality and the person he wants most in the world is you, you'll think back to this time and wonder how you could have ever been disappointed.

Honestly I think you'll feel differently in a few days / couple of weeks max. X

My IVF baby - now aged 7 - is a lovely boy. Would have preferred a girl if I could have chosen. But you cannot choose. I am so grateful and glad IVF worked for me. There are so many people who are childless not by choice. We are the very very lucky ones. My son is the sweetest cuddliest gentle loving mummy's boy. And being his mum is the best thing that has ever happened to me.

How your feeling is completely normal op, I went through the same with both of my babies. I was desperate for a boy and when I found out my first was a girl I was so upset but also felt so so guilty for feeling that way that I didn't tell a soul. I didn't feel that initial connection everyone said I'd have and I was sure that was because I didn't want a girl but honestly it all disappeared within the first few weeks, she's 3.5 now and my best friend. I felt the same with my second daughter but actually I couldn't imagine my life any other way now.
I found just accepting my feelings I had instead of trying to hide them or change the way I felt actually helped me come to terms with the gender disappointment. Second time around I talked it through with my midwife, I told her if felt the same first time around too and was absolutely terrified to talk to anyone about it incase they thought I was depressed etc and she said it's actually soo much more common than we think.
Your baby boy will arrive, and don't get me wrong those feelings may stick around for a little while, but you'll eventually be wondering what on earth you were bothered about and you'll get to a point where you wouldn't change a thing.