Gender disappointment

[Pregnancydisappointment]

I’ve name changed as feel embarrassed, stressed, upset and really anxious about this. I really need some help to get my head straight and hopefully some reassurance that my mindset will change.

I am pregnant following IVF, so it’s a very much wanted, planned for and awaited pregnancy. I am apprehensive about how much a baby/child will change our lives, but excited as well. I knew I would ‘prefer’ a girl (as would my husband), but the level of my disappointment when we found out the gender (boy) at my 20week scan has floored me. I feel like I have no ‘right’ to feel like this, especially given through IVF I know so many people who would give anything to be in the position I am now, but I still can’t seem to shake how it’s made me feel.

Its suddenly made me feel resentful of this thing growing inside me, I don’t want ‘him’ there, he is not meant to be there. I’ve had points where I feel like I’d rather not be pregnant than have a boy - and I don’t know why I feel like this.

Reading online, articles talk about it being managing a change from your expectations/dreams/wishes, maybe due to your parent relationships, type of life you imagined etc. I guess maybe this is some of it, although I didn’t expect it to hit me like this. I always would have ‘imagined’ a girl, my relationship with my dad is variable, my mum passed away a couple of years ago, quite young, and my due date is literally a day after her birthday. I guess all this played into my preference….but regardless of the reasons, how do I change my mindset now? Anyone else feel a similar disappointment and now happy with whichever gender they had?

im pregnant with my second child after 3x recurrent miscarriages. I promised myself I wouldn’t find out the gender until he/she is here in my arms . there wouldn’t even be any disappointment the moment you hold them for the first time after going through hell. As long as I have my healthy baby nothing else matters. From someone who said is going through ivf you would think you’d feel the same. Your attitude is vile. Sorry

I have had three neonatal deaths. I still don't think the OP is vile. You might be though, for putting this vulnerable pregnant woman down

Ps boys totally love and adore their mothers and there is no other feeling like it. Hormones are making your thoughts extreme please try to meditate or listen to nice fun podcasts and relax. You'll love your son more than anything - I'm excited for you x

I wanted boys. I didn’t particularly want a girl. I felt a bit sad, and then guilty, when I learned my second was a girl and I was to have one of each.

That said, I got over it pretty sharpish.

Its suddenly made me feel resentful of this thing growing inside me, I don’t want ‘him’ there, he is not meant to be there. I’ve had points where I feel like I’d rather not be pregnant than have a boy - and I don’t know why I feel like this

^ This is quite extreme and I’d urge you to seek some support.

What support do people think there is, I wonder?

@TTCxox

She did NOT say that. She said the opposite.

I desperately wanted a baby, and hadn't even entertained the idea that baby may be a boy - in my head, I would have a girl and that was that.
We had a gender scan booked and I was absolutely devastated. I cried.
It took me quite a while to accept that I was having a boy, that this was likely to be my only pregnancy and that I'd never have a daughter.
As soon as he was born, I was head over heels. I cannot explain the bond we have - it's so special, he is a complete mummy's boy and I can't imagine him being any different.
I now have two boys - I wasnt disappointed this time as I knew I was being daft the first time round.

You will adapt fine to being the mother of a son. Women tend to feel more familiar with the thought of having a girl.
It's ironic really how many women are disappointed with having a boy, fast forward a few years and they're then labelled the MiILs from hell from DILs because of strong bond.

I totally get how you feel - I've got 2 boys and my 3rd is a girl on the way.s

My first it was a massive sadness to me at first but honestly he's the most gorgeous little Mummy's boy. My second was 18m later unplanned and he is also just absolutely beautiful and the double of his brother. They are the most gorgeous little twosome.

When I found out my 3rd was a girl almost couldn't believe it but now I'm also almost like "a 3rd boy would have been nice 😂"

Basically you will adore whatever you get and your mind will change. Really do understand your feelings but think about healthy baby as opposed to what sex 😍

Jesus. Are you suggesting that the op consider termination because her baby is a boy. That is absolutely disgusting. You should be ashamed of yourself for even tying that out. Mother of god.

This is really awful to read and you should definitely seek help, as advised.

I agree. Genuinely shocked to read that.

To add, I had quite severe gender disappointment with my son and it took me a long time to get over it but he is a delight. He has every much right to my love and my heart as his sister does and he is my perfect boy.

I promise you that when you meet your son, you'll feel differently.

For now, you need to find someone professional to speak to so you can work through these feelings and start to feel excited about motherhood.

Best of luck x

I would contact your midwife and explain how you feel. I would imagine you have built up in your head and ideal and this isn’t it. Trust me after labour and meeting your little bundle the sex will not be on your mind at all. It will be a lovely healthy baby and that is all you will care about.
i wish you all the best and look after yourself.

I had a boy first then a girl. I was always TERRIFIED of having a girl. I was bullied by girls at school and have a slightly turbulent relationship with my mum.

I would t say I was dissatisfied as much as I was scared when I found #2 was a girl. The ultrasound first picture was a 'potty shot' and I could see instantly before she told me it was a girl. I thought it was a girl myself but it was still an adjustment. I really wanted a boy first time abc got one so I think that softened the impact as I had 'my boy'.

But HONESTLY now my daughter is THE best thing ever. She's cool, independent, funny. She's made me like myself abc women more. I look back now and think what a fool I was to have these thought. On a daily basis I don't even think about what sex either of my kids are. They are just kids.

I'm sorry you feel like that. All I can say is you'll love your baby when he arrives. Maybe not at first because it can take time for love to grow, but you will. As his personality starts to shine through, as he starts to smile at you, as his eyes light up every time he sees you. My boy has always been very attached to me. He's 10 now and still loves being with me. Always wants cuddles and tells me he loves me. We have such a close bond and we're very alike.

I can relate. I was disappointed/ scared when I found out my second was a boy. I have one girl and two boys and I love them all equally, but honestly find the boys easier. Much less drama! I really think once your son is here, you will fall in love with him and if you don't bond straight away, that is not uncommon and your midwife/ health visitor can help. I did baby massage which was really helpful. Good luck

Hi, didn't want to read and run..

I had many miscarriage, multiple rounds of ivf and finally got pregnant and just gave birth to my baby boy 4 weeks ago.

I felt something like disappointment when I learnt the gender, but I promise you that will change. And it completely changes once they are born. He will be the best thing that has ever happened to you and you will love him beyond words. Take it from someone who truly understands your journey - the gender won't matter, I promise x

You really do need to talk to your midwife. Your resentment of this precious baby is worrying. It’s not his fault.

I was disappointed when i found out my first was a boy. Once he was here, I would not have changed him for the world and felt terribly guilty I was even slightly disappointed.
Im now 23 weeks with a girl, and I love my boy so much I was hoping for another, so am now trying to get my head around the fact I won't have another son as 2 is our limit. Although im pretty sure when she's here that feeling will disappear like it did with my son.
Definitely seek help though, it sounds like your disappointment is quite serious and giving you these thoughts which I'm sure is probably affecting your mental health. I hope it gets better for you and you fall.in love with your boy when he's here, which I'm sure you will

Ahhhh op , first of all do not give yourself a hard time about how you feel. You need to put all the self blame about how you are lucky to pregnant , ivf , etc, etc aside. You feel how you feel, and it is not unusual. There is no need to be ashamed. You are not a monster. You are a normal human.
You need to grieve the idea of having that baby girl you always imagined. That is another loss, and given your struggles with fertility etc, that loss probably feels even more intense / painful, because it’s loss compounded on loss.
You need to let yourself feel that grief, that loss, that pain, without judgement . It’s real. It doesn’t mean you have mental health issues, it just means you are experiencing a loss- the loss of the idea of having a baby girl.
None of this means you won’t be absolutely head over heels in love with your baby boy when he is here. Your grief over your loss of your imagined baby girl won’t cancel out your love for your real baby boy. I’m so very sure of it. Just be kind to yourself and ride these feelings out. You are pregnant and going through so much right now. It’s a confusing time. You will get there 🌟 💗 🤍

I wouldn’t say I was disappointed as such but I definitely felt it from all around me. It was almost as if a boy is second place prize. People would make comments and it just always sounded a bit like ‘oh, a boy’ 🙄

I didn’t go all in for the blue clothes, it just wasn’t for me. You get so many gorgeous neutral boy’s clothes now though. I was so excited to meet him and when that moment came there wasn’t a single bit of me that would have changed anything about him. I didn’t know what/who to expect at all but it was the happiest moment of my life when I saw him and I hope you get that too. He’s just amazing and I’m so glad he was a boy!

I’m now pregnant with number 2, a girl, and it’s bugging me a bit that everyone has such overly positive things to say about the fact it’s a girl. Of course I am excited it’s a girl but it’s almost as if ‘thank god it’s not a boy’.
Now I know I’m going to have one of each I so wish I could have known this at the start, it would have taken away any of those weird feelings that came from people making comments etc. It seems like if you have a girl first then a boy you’d bypass a lot of these comments!

OP, in the nicest possible way, get over yourself. There's some pretty shitty things happening in this world, be extremely thankful after your IVF journey that you have a baby on the way. Boys are bloody adorable and very cool.

That is disgusting and beyond belief when I just read that😳

One of the most unhelpful posts I have ever read 🙄

Don't be fucking disgusting to suggest an abortion post 20 weeks just because the op would prefer a different gender.