Page 4 | Gender disappointment

Are your children’s vaccines up to date?

Newnamenewname109870 · 06/07/2023 18:55

GDsurpriseshame · 06/07/2023 18:20

I'm really pleased to see there have been mostly supportive replies to your thread, a few horrible ones sadly - but then there always are on mn anyway even about the most innocent posts! Lots of less judging ones too thankfully.

Unfortunately, I completely understand what you are going through. I've had exactly the same reaction to my pregnany, including saying to my husband that I'd rather not be pregnant.

I didn't go through IVF, but we've had years, close to a decade, of secondary infertility and I'd given up on the possibility of having another child (we are fortunate to have a dd). This baby was very much wanted, but so very unexpected after so long of being unable to.
I never could have imagined I would be disappointed with either gender. Especially since I was sure it was a boy from not long after finding out I was pregnant. The scan confirmed my expectations ( / fear as my dh put it). I was completely ashamed at how I felt, I still am. I'm 29 weeks now and those feelings have definitely eased off, but I can't say I still wouldn't prefer another dd. And not for any of the superficial reasons some people think, the dresses, the girly stuff etc, I'm not into any of that myself. I think part of it, for me, is being female I feel like I have more understanding and basic knowledge of looking after a girl. My own dd is very, very like me. Her temperament etc so I have more understanding of managing her emotions and tantrums etc. I know another might be completely different, but still feels less daunting. Whereas with a boy I feel like I don't have the first clue where to begin.

It hasn't helped that my pregnancy hasn't been nearly as smooth sailing as it was with my first either, lots of symptoms making it unpleasant and in the early days I'd find myself thinking I'm going through all this for a boy (before the 12wk scan even) that I don't feel capable of looking after as well as I should be. I think a big part of it is just purely fearing I won't do a good job at parenting him and fearing I won't bond with him the way I have with dd.

I only hope, that as other pps have replied, that it will be a case of when he is born, I won't care anymore. I will just be delighted to have my unexpected baby in my arms.

I haven't mentioned anything to my midwife either. She has 2 boys with a large age gap and I would feel awful trying to talk to her about it. She is very much going through the motions with appointments anyway, already ticking boxes for everything being fine etc before I even answer a question. But mostly I'm just hoping it's a non-issue once he's born (other than the guilt I will undoubtedly feel forever!)
If I do struggle after the birth I intend to try to be honest about it and seek support, the last thing I'd want it to raise a child I unintentionally resent.

Good luck OP.
Please feel free to contact me if you need support at any point without getting vilified by the perfect among us!

If it helps my son is a lot more like me than his dad. He’s like my double image. My poor husband doesn’t know what to do with him! I hope you feel better soon too.

BiscuitLover3678 · 06/07/2023 18:59

Alloveragain3 · 03/07/2023 08:07

I have to admit I felt disappointed when finding out my DS was to be a boy at the 20 week scan.

My only consolation was, maybe I'd have a girl next time.

However, having a boy has been a complete and utter joy. So much so, that when I fell pregnant again 3 years later (after fertility treatment), I was surprised to realise I had a strong preference for another boy.

With respect, until the child is here, you really can't predict how you'll feel.

I didn’t find out the sex the first time because I knew I had a strong preference for girl. I’m glad I didn’t find out because it was a boy! It’s really hard to explain to someone who hasn’t given birth, but once it happens there is so much more going on I actually forgot to find out. All I could think about was baby. When they’re actually here it all feels real and so different.

Saying all this, I’m pregnant and convinced this is a boy again. Not going to lie, my son is my world and he is my boy. But I want him to be my only boy. I know from last time though that I will be happy once he or she is here.

The mistake is to try to push those feelings away or feel angry at yourself or the baby. Accept it. Accept those feelings and trust that your body will go through birth and love that baby in a way you can’t imagine. You can’t ‘logic’ it because childbirth changes you.

Newnamenewname109870 · 06/07/2023 19:01

Pregnancydisappointment · 03/07/2023 08:29

Thanks again for all the reassuring replies. I’ve talked it through with my husband, he knew I was disappointed, but not how much, it’s helped a bit that he knows. He’s being supportive talking through some of the feelings with me, I’ll see how I feel in a few more days and if still feel like this I’ll contact the midwife. At the moment I can’t imagine feeling like on if the posters who is so happy with her boy now she wants wants more boys - but shows how much feelings can change, so hopefully with time mine will as well.

For the poster that are criticising me, I know you shouldn’t go into trying to have a baby unless you are happy with either sex. Previously I would have said I would be happy with either - during the IVF process I definitely would have said I would be over the moon with either. The feelings of wanting a girl became stronger when I was pregnant. I’m sure most women dream/wish/imagine things a certain way. I didn’t expect the depth of my feelings when I heard he is a boy. Hence asking for support/advice. I think it’s likely tangled up in amongst my emotions of losing my mum, relationship with my dad not being great, and other things. I know that’s my problem to sort out, and it’s not my babies fault, but just telling people how vile they are, and to get over it, is hardly helping. There’s always something worse going on that peoples personal struggles, it doesn’t mean it’s not important to that person.

anyway, thanks again to all the supportive replies x

Don’t underestimate what Ivf and pregnancy does to your brain and emotions. Look after yourself.

SallyWD · 06/07/2023 19:08

GDsurpriseshame · 06/07/2023 18:20

I'm really pleased to see there have been mostly supportive replies to your thread, a few horrible ones sadly - but then there always are on mn anyway even about the most innocent posts! Lots of less judging ones too thankfully.

Unfortunately, I completely understand what you are going through. I've had exactly the same reaction to my pregnany, including saying to my husband that I'd rather not be pregnant.

I didn't go through IVF, but we've had years, close to a decade, of secondary infertility and I'd given up on the possibility of having another child (we are fortunate to have a dd). This baby was very much wanted, but so very unexpected after so long of being unable to.
I never could have imagined I would be disappointed with either gender. Especially since I was sure it was a boy from not long after finding out I was pregnant. The scan confirmed my expectations ( / fear as my dh put it). I was completely ashamed at how I felt, I still am. I'm 29 weeks now and those feelings have definitely eased off, but I can't say I still wouldn't prefer another dd. And not for any of the superficial reasons some people think, the dresses, the girly stuff etc, I'm not into any of that myself. I think part of it, for me, is being female I feel like I have more understanding and basic knowledge of looking after a girl. My own dd is very, very like me. Her temperament etc so I have more understanding of managing her emotions and tantrums etc. I know another might be completely different, but still feels less daunting. Whereas with a boy I feel like I don't have the first clue where to begin.

It hasn't helped that my pregnancy hasn't been nearly as smooth sailing as it was with my first either, lots of symptoms making it unpleasant and in the early days I'd find myself thinking I'm going through all this for a boy (before the 12wk scan even) that I don't feel capable of looking after as well as I should be. I think a big part of it is just purely fearing I won't do a good job at parenting him and fearing I won't bond with him the way I have with dd.

I only hope, that as other pps have replied, that it will be a case of when he is born, I won't care anymore. I will just be delighted to have my unexpected baby in my arms.

I haven't mentioned anything to my midwife either. She has 2 boys with a large age gap and I would feel awful trying to talk to her about it. She is very much going through the motions with appointments anyway, already ticking boxes for everything being fine etc before I even answer a question. But mostly I'm just hoping it's a non-issue once he's born (other than the guilt I will undoubtedly feel forever!)
If I do struggle after the birth I intend to try to be honest about it and seek support, the last thing I'd want it to raise a child I unintentionally resent.

Good luck OP.
Please feel free to contact me if you need support at any point without getting vilified by the perfect among us!

I'm sorry you feel worried about this too. I just wanted to say boys shouldn't seem like some scary unknown. Your son will be 50% you and therefore will seem very familiar. I'm sure many aspects of his personality and looks will remind you of you. I have one of each and my son is MUCH, much more like me than my daughter. He's like a little boy version of me! I can relate to him so much more easily than I can my daughter (who really is the opposite of me in many ways).
As for saying you won't know where to begin in raising a boy - well you just treat a baby boy in exactly the way you'd treat a baby girl (except take extra care they don't wee on you when you're changing nappies!). As he gets older you'll just react to his personality as you would with a girl. I treat my girl and boy exactly the same way. I don't parent my son differently because he's a boy. Try not to fixate on him being a boy and just think about him as a little person you'll get to know and love over time. You'll be fine, I promise.

Workawayxx · 06/07/2023 19:09

My first (and at the time likely to be my only) was a boy. I prob would have preferred a girl when pg but didn’t find out till birth which I think helped because he was a real adorable tiny person by that point! I might have felt a bit sad though if I found out when pregnant.

Honestly though, when he’s born he will be your precious baby and you’ll adore him. I wouldn’t have my ds any other way, I feel like I’ve grown more as a person through my relationship with him than I might have with a girl. He’s 11 now and such great company, so funny and kind and wonderful in so many ways.

I think it can feel like the known path of a female/female relationship will be easier or closer but I think the mother/son relationship is just as rewarding and wonderful, you just don’t know it yet (sorry if that sounds patronising, it’s not meant to as I felt the same!). it’s like a brilliant adventure waiting for you, a different path to what you anticipated but maybe all the more special for that. Be kind to yourself for now and don’t force your feelings, it sounds like you’ve been through a huge amount.

SweetStrawberrie · 06/07/2023 21:04

I predict you will look back on this once your son is here and feel shocked you ever felt this way.

My son is wonderful - far more clingy than my daughter is, looks so much more like me, he is the double of me as a youngster.

You've imagined him being a girl, probably subconsciously and have bonded with this baby 'girl'. So to find out she is in fact a he, you are grieving for the 'girl'. You're resentful because it almost feels like a loss.

You will realise when he is born that he is exactly who he is meant to be - yours and your husbands son, you will know how to parent him because he is yours. These feelings will feel like they belonged to another person when he is born.

Name him - bond with him however you can. He is your boy - always has been and always will be. He needs you.

Sapphire387 · 06/07/2023 22:05

Ah, OP. I have one of each and am pregnant with my third - a 'surprise' as we have chosen not to find out, again.

All I can say is, your child is your child. Whatever sex they are. As I always say - both are great.

threecupsofteaminimum · 07/07/2023 10:53

I don't know what to say other than that I have a little boy after several mc's and a stillbirth at 29 weeks, he is the absolute light of my life, the love between a mother and son is like nothing else in the world.

I really hope you start feeling better soon and also recommend you seek some help from your midwife or GP.

threecupsofteaminimum · 07/07/2023 10:55

Oh and just to add, sometimes I look at him and it's like looking in the mirror, he is so like me but also has his dads best bits so all in all he's a winner!

CallieQ · 07/07/2023 10:58

Pregnancydisappointment · 02/07/2023 18:12

I’ve name changed as feel embarrassed, stressed, upset and really anxious about this. I really need some help to get my head straight and hopefully some reassurance that my mindset will change.

I am pregnant following IVF, so it’s a very much wanted, planned for and awaited pregnancy. I am apprehensive about how much a baby/child will change our lives, but excited as well. I knew I would ‘prefer’ a girl (as would my husband), but the level of my disappointment when we found out the gender (boy) at my 20week scan has floored me. I feel like I have no ‘right’ to feel like this, especially given through IVF I know so many people who would give anything to be in the position I am now, but I still can’t seem to shake how it’s made me feel.

Its suddenly made me feel resentful of this thing growing inside me, I don’t want ‘him’ there, he is not meant to be there. I’ve had points where I feel like I’d rather not be pregnant than have a boy - and I don’t know why I feel like this.

Reading online, articles talk about it being managing a change from your expectations/dreams/wishes, maybe due to your parent relationships, type of life you imagined etc. I guess maybe this is some of it, although I didn’t expect it to hit me like this. I always would have ‘imagined’ a girl, my relationship with my dad is variable, my mum passed away a couple of years ago, quite young, and my due date is literally a day after her birthday. I guess all this played into my preference….but regardless of the reasons, how do I change my mindset now? Anyone else feel a similar disappointment and now happy with whichever gender they had?

If it is a very much wanted planned for and long awaited pregnancy why do you care about the gender? Boys are lovely

aperolspritzbasicbitch · 07/07/2023 11:15

So glad to see so many kind, thoughtful responses here for the OP. Shame about the minority, but that's life I guess.

I hope you are doing well OP, and have spoken to a midwife for help going forwards. I really do think that would be best - to talk it through now rather than assume once he's here everything will slot in to place. I imagine it will, of course - but it's also a lot of pressure to put on yourself. It's like how everyone expects the sudden rush of love they are told women get for their babies as soon as they are born. It doesn't happen like that for everyone.

Pregnancy, let alone IVF, really does pile it on to you. Look after yourself now, so that you are in the best place possible for when motherhood starts

VillageFete · 07/07/2023 14:25

I’m so sorry to read this. Haven’t read all of the responses but just to echo what loads have probably said - boys are honestly amazing and in time, you’re going to be floored by your love for him. You have no idea what’s about to hit you!

From a practical point of view, if you need IVF anyway, you could go down the gender selection route next time. This will be a massively unpopular opinion, i’m sure.

I’m an IVF mama and whilst gender selection didn’t appeal to me (already have mixed genders) I know a couple of IVF mum’s who went down this route, and there’s zero judgement from me. PM if you want me to find out any more info. X

Newnamenewname109870 · 07/07/2023 16:29

VillageFete · 07/07/2023 14:25

I’m so sorry to read this. Haven’t read all of the responses but just to echo what loads have probably said - boys are honestly amazing and in time, you’re going to be floored by your love for him. You have no idea what’s about to hit you!

From a practical point of view, if you need IVF anyway, you could go down the gender selection route next time. This will be a massively unpopular opinion, i’m sure.

I’m an IVF mama and whilst gender selection didn’t appeal to me (already have mixed genders) I know a couple of IVF mum’s who went down this route, and there’s zero judgement from me. PM if you want me to find out any more info. X

It also involves flying somewhere like the US and the cost is astronomical!

Nell23 · 03/09/2023 05:40

Boys are the best!!! Really angers me how the Little darlings are slated on MN. I just don't get it. Boys are amazing and the cuddliest, I've two, absolute mammys boys. Beyond blessed x

TumbleweedAgain · 09/11/2023 07:44

@Pregnancydisappointment how are you doing?
I can relate to your post so much. I was 100% sure I would have a daughter and the disappointment at the scan when I saw myself that it was a boy was huge. I felt guilty of my feelings because it was also a long-awaited for baby after several attempts of IVF and IUI. I made my peace with it largely because I drew then an image of me having a boy and a girl later.

Well, I am now pregnant with our second and it is a boy… It hit me even harder than the 1st time around. I felt confused, sad, angry, resentful. Like I m living not my life. Like everything is just wrong. Again, going back to the hurdles of IVF i know i should feel so grateful to be pregnant, and I am, but the extent of gender disappointment is ott.

I must admit the first day of knowing was the worst and it’s getting better. But i still can’t wrap my head around having boys. I always secretly felt sorry for women with sons and I could never imagine having sons myself. Just wasn’t in my system.

Anyway, you are not alone in how you are feeling (and I do hope you are feeling better now).

SallyWD · 09/11/2023 08:17

TumbleweedAgain · 09/11/2023 07:44

@Pregnancydisappointment how are you doing?
I can relate to your post so much. I was 100% sure I would have a daughter and the disappointment at the scan when I saw myself that it was a boy was huge. I felt guilty of my feelings because it was also a long-awaited for baby after several attempts of IVF and IUI. I made my peace with it largely because I drew then an image of me having a boy and a girl later.

Well, I am now pregnant with our second and it is a boy… It hit me even harder than the 1st time around. I felt confused, sad, angry, resentful. Like I m living not my life. Like everything is just wrong. Again, going back to the hurdles of IVF i know i should feel so grateful to be pregnant, and I am, but the extent of gender disappointment is ott.

I must admit the first day of knowing was the worst and it’s getting better. But i still can’t wrap my head around having boys. I always secretly felt sorry for women with sons and I could never imagine having sons myself. Just wasn’t in my system.

Anyway, you are not alone in how you are feeling (and I do hope you are feeling better now).

I really do feel for you but I don't understand your feelings at all. Especially as you already have one boy so you know how lovely they are and (presumably) you love him more than anything.
I think some people place a lot of pressure on this mythical mother/daughter relationship.

Nell23 · 09/11/2023 12:02

Honesty boys are the best. I've 2 beautiful boys whom are the best of friends and they absolutely adore me, it's truly lovely. And I know and it's my wish that they grow up and fall in love and have a family of their own one day, but I'm making sure they have a happy loving respectful upbringing and pg that I'll always be in their loves as a result. Enjoy your darling boys, its truly special to be blessed with motherhood in the first place ❤️

CallieQ · 09/11/2023 12:55

I must admit the first day of knowing was the worst and it’s getting better. But i still can’t wrap my head around having boys. I always secretly felt sorry for women with sons and I could never imagine having sons myself. Just wasn’t in my system.

Sorry for women with sons? What an awful thing to say

How about sorry for women who can't have children instead

iloveburmese3 · 09/11/2023 13:00

CallieQ · 09/11/2023 12:55

I must admit the first day of knowing was the worst and it’s getting better. But i still can’t wrap my head around having boys. I always secretly felt sorry for women with sons and I could never imagine having sons myself. Just wasn’t in my system.

Sorry for women with sons? What an awful thing to say

How about sorry for women who can't have children instead

Bizarre comment. Know your audience comes to mind...

ltscoldonthesidelines · 09/11/2023 13:00

I cried all the way home, from my 20 week scan, when I found out my 1st was going to be a boy. I did not want a boy! Honestly, since he has been born, not once have I wished he was a girl. My second is a boy too. I love being the mum to 2 boys.

BettyBallerina · 09/11/2023 13:05

@CallieQ ‘I always secretly felt sorry for women with sons and I could never imagine having sons myself. Just wasn’t in my system.’

😂 just seriously ridiculous statements.

Pastlast · 09/11/2023 13:11

I just wanted to say that I’ve read that this kind of thing can be common with IVF because of all the difficulties you’ve faced to get to this point.

by far the worst thing about having only sons is the expectations of other women that you are somehow lesser or to be pitted.

SingingSands · 09/11/2023 13:14

Nothing much to add OP apart from I have a lot of respect for you - it's not easy to admit such thoughts to yourself, never mind publicly. Your feelings are your feelings, and you are being honest.

Pregnancy is such a wild ride (more so if IVF) and thoughts, feelings, emotions etc can be all over the place and often heightened.

You have enough time to come to terms with how you are feeling and put them to bed. And I hate saying this because it sounds so patronising... but you really will be delighted with your baby boy, and these feelings will disappear like mist on a summer morning.

But for now - take comfort in owning your disappointment, take heart from the mums here who felt the same and have shared their stories and look to the future as a mum of a beautiful, much wanted and much loved baby boy.

TheBirdintheCave · 09/11/2023 14:01

BettyBallerina · 09/11/2023 13:05

@CallieQ ‘I always secretly felt sorry for women with sons and I could never imagine having sons myself. Just wasn’t in my system.’

😂 just seriously ridiculous statements.

Maybe so, but they're honest and I feel that a lot of the time people aren't honest about how they feel.

I'm not finding out the sex of my current pregnancy (conceived after three miscarriages) as I'm too scared I'll have another boy.

I know it's crazy as I have a nearly three year old son who I love to pieces and can't imagine as anyone else BUT I want to experience having a girl too.

I'm jealous of people who have daughters so I understand what the PP meant when she said she felt 'sorry' for people who 'just' had sons. We sometimes project our own desires onto other people and imagine that they feel the same way we do even if they're perfectly content with what they have.

AlwaysGinPlease · 09/11/2023 14:12

greenisinthemean · 02/07/2023 18:19

I get it OP. It won't help you probably, as it didn't help me when I was pregnant with DS (I wanted a girl and shopped for a girl, insisting to everyone it was a girl). I was heartbroken when I discovered he was a he!

I can hand on heart say, he was born and I adored him. So so much. I just adore having a son. He's beautiful and gorgeous. He's lovely. I really can't be bothered with the idea of a DD!

BUT. It's your choice - you can either seek some counselling or if you want, you can terminate. Your body, your choice. But you'll have to act fast as you won't have long to sort that out

It's also more complex for you because you cannot simply terminate and get pregnant again - you've had IVF so it's more complex I know

Just wanted to say I felt like you did

Disgusting