Gender disappointment

[Pregnancydisappointment]

I’ve name changed as feel embarrassed, stressed, upset and really anxious about this. I really need some help to get my head straight and hopefully some reassurance that my mindset will change.

I am pregnant following IVF, so it’s a very much wanted, planned for and awaited pregnancy. I am apprehensive about how much a baby/child will change our lives, but excited as well. I knew I would ‘prefer’ a girl (as would my husband), but the level of my disappointment when we found out the gender (boy) at my 20week scan has floored me. I feel like I have no ‘right’ to feel like this, especially given through IVF I know so many people who would give anything to be in the position I am now, but I still can’t seem to shake how it’s made me feel.

Its suddenly made me feel resentful of this thing growing inside me, I don’t want ‘him’ there, he is not meant to be there. I’ve had points where I feel like I’d rather not be pregnant than have a boy - and I don’t know why I feel like this.

Reading online, articles talk about it being managing a change from your expectations/dreams/wishes, maybe due to your parent relationships, type of life you imagined etc. I guess maybe this is some of it, although I didn’t expect it to hit me like this. I always would have ‘imagined’ a girl, my relationship with my dad is variable, my mum passed away a couple of years ago, quite young, and my due date is literally a day after her birthday. I guess all this played into my preference….but regardless of the reasons, how do I change my mindset now? Anyone else feel a similar disappointment and now happy with whichever gender they had?

@Tomateen I agree. It is just awful!

This is a zombie thread but how are you doing, @Pregnancydisappointment?

Is your baby here yet?

I haven't personally felt gender disappointment but I have known others and when they see there baby I know they've often felt silly they every worried or felt disappointed.

I am a mum of a boy and I can say its the best thing ever and if I was to have another boy one day (currently trying with no luck so potentially going to IVF) I would feel so blessed. My son adores me and genuinely makes me feel so loved - I actually feel so much happiness when I see his little face or when he puts his hands on my face and says 'i love you'.

Obviously you can want a girl or boy, but there so much more to a child than the clothes you can buy etc. I would love to experience being a girl mum but honestly just being a mum is SUCH A GIFT and hopefully when you have baby you will feel so so different.

Hope these feelings disappear for you and you can continue to enjoy the pregnancy and little baby kicks and all that is too come.

I know you've had a lot of replies. I'm 7 weeks 1 day pregnant via IVF.

I feel like I'm very much having to manage my expectations of could be either gender and IVF FETs seem slightly higher towards boys.

I think I have often dreamt of a girl and some of that is because I lost my mum 7 years ago, also as I've grown myself I've realised there's so much my Mum didn't educate me well on and that I've had to learn the harder way. Would be nice to help someone grow knowing there's no limits, ways of the world etc. also I have a brother who I absolutely don't get on with and have had very few male role models an do wonder if traits could be passed within DVA, bit mad sounding I'm sure.

Yet I'm realising now with a boy could teach him about girls and being more respectful towards everyone and even more so woman.

Also when going through IVF there's so much assumption and pressure that we will be happy bo matter what but it's scary when our dreams come true. I spent the first 2 days after a positive test feeling like I'd ruined my life and questioning what I had done. Hormones play a terrible part in it all

Well you wrote it yourself, other people, those with ‘just’ sons DO NOT feel the way that you do. At least you realise that you are ‘projecting’.

It’s so sad that the vast majority of gender disappointment threads (certainly the ones I’ve seen) that you read on here are in favour of girl babies. I’m a mum of ‘just’ boys and I know many other mums of ‘just’ boys who are so proud of their sons and entirely content with the males they have been blessed with. Absolutely no need for either pity or projection of pity.

Firstly, @Pregnancydisappointment, I would echo the advice of the previous posters who have suggested talking to your midwife team and getting support from them.

Secondly, as the mum to three boys, I can promise you absolutely, that the mum/son relationship is every bit as wonderful, special and loving as the mum/daughter relationship. I never stopped getting hugs from my boys - even now they are all adults, and we always had close relationships - they could talk to me, we can have really interesting, deep conversations, or funny ones, or supportive ones - as they have got older, they have been supportive to me too.

You have got so many lovely things to look forward to - the smell of a newborn baby’s neck, sleepy milky cuddles, first smiles, first steps, first words - even the first mischievous thing they do, and so much more - hopefully thinking of all of this will help you feel come to terms with having a boy, and enjoying the pregnancy and beyond.

I just wish I could give you a massive hug.

I'm not finding out the sex of my current pregnancy (conceived after three miscarriages) as I'm too scared I'll have another boy.

So your baby was conceived after 3 miscarriages but you can't just be happy that you are now actually pregnant never mind what the sex is

BUT. It's your choice - you can either seek some counselling or if you want, you can terminate. Your body, your choice. But you'll have to act fast as you won't have long to sort that out

How can you even suggest a termination due to the sex of your baby
Unbelievable

I definitely didn't care at first but now the pregnancy has gone on and I'm 13 weeks and it MIGHT actually be sticking around, it's all become a bit more real so the old fears have settled in. This could well be my last chance to have the daughter I always wanted.

I will love the baby either way as much as I love my son but I'm not going to pretend I won't be (initially!) disappointed if we end up with two boys.

Also, of course I'm happy I'm pregnant. I'm very grateful for it every day. That doesn't mean I'm not allowed a preference in regards to which sex I have.

Always wanted girls, mostly because of the sexism around me and most people’s obsession with boys (if you live in a multicultural area I can tell boys are still a big preference).

Boy first time round and second pregnancy is a girl. So surprised and delighted! I’m still in shock. But guess what? I now look at baby boys and realise I’ll never have one again. I keep hearing baby boys names. I keep wondering how different another boy would be.

Grass is always greener is seems 🤣

Just because you had ivf it doesn't mean that you can't have any guilt around motherhood! I can guarantee that when your boy comes you will forget about this and you'll not even think about what's beteeen his legs. But it's not unusual for some people to want s particular sex. Accept your feeling and forgive yourself.

No need to be so nasty.

It's perfectly valid to have mixed feelings, complicated by hormones, no matter what the circumstances!

@TheBirdintheCave hope you can manage to relax and enjoy your pregnancy, and the little person you're growing, no matter what bits baby is born with! I know how nerve wracking it was after 2 miscarriages. Would you consider finding out (and I never wanted to myself) so that you could get your head around things before the birth?)

I've got both 😊

When my son arrived, my husband and I were delighted but there was a tiny part of us that was sorry we wouldn't have a girl again! Totally get it!

@allmyliesaretrue I'm worried knowing in advance would make it worse. My husband said the thing though, he wants me to have time to get used to the idea if indeed we have another son.

I'm hoping that when the baby is born I'll be too happy to really care whether it's a boy or a girl.

Anyway, I'm very unlucky so am generally operating under the assumption that it will be a second boy. I don't tend to get what I want in life.

Oh you're not sweetheart - after all your heartache you have a little squishy baby coming! I bet you adore your little boy, so if it does turn out to be another boy, you will adore him just the same and it will be lovely for them to have a brother. And if it's a little girl, it's the cherry on the cake then.

I don't think you will mind much when you see that little face!

I can see the argument both ways re finding out in advance. It's a tough one. My sister had 2 boys and had always wanted a girl, and I had a uni friend who was desperate for a girl and cried for days when a boy emerged! And I know I'd always have carried just that little bit of sadness too if I had never had a daughter.

Do you think though that if you found out now that you were having a boy, you could make your peace with that? And if it is a girl, it might add more joy to an already joyous pregnancy?

Did you do anything different this pregnancy? My youngest is 20, but all those years ago, after 2 miscarriages I was put on 75mg asprin and progesterone, and so far as I know, it worked!

Hugs xx

This happened to my aunt, except she really wanted a boy. She tried a few times and on her last try she had another girl. Ended up with 4 girls. She cried on the birth of her last daughter. But their family now looks lovely all the girls bonded so well all with a great relationship with their parents. they are such a happy family and she has many grandsons now lol.
It's a real thing. But i believe once your baby arrives you will get used to the idea of having a boy let alone a baby! This might be the tough part just because you had an expectation and it didn't turn out as you wished. Once your baby comes you will most likely be excited and when baby boy arrives you will love him. Boys are just as precious as girls and girls are just as precious as boys. Both genders are beautiful and everyone is unique in their character so you could have a rowdy little girl or a gentle sweet boy if you understand my point.

No need to be so nasty

I wasn't nasty just telling it like it is.

No, you were being nasty.

OP I’d love to know how you feel now, 2yrs on?

Im new here, and I’ve found this thread through searching gender disappointment as 2 days ago found out I’m having a boy after being convinced I was carrying a girl. We’ve had similar pregnancy struggles and part of how I feel I know is based on the fact we are likely to only have one, so it feels very final.

I’d never really thought too much about the gender at the beginning of the journey, this has more come to life in the early weeks of excitement and a growing conviction it’s a girl, both being excited for that, having a name we both love etc. I’m not even a particularly girly girl myself, so it’s not based on gender stereo types (I climbed trees hated dresses and never did ballet as a kid!) and I’ve lost my dad when I was younger not my mum. So these sorts of explanations don’t make sense, and I am completely caught off guard with the intensity of disappointment as prior to this I’d never understood why people feel like this (I guess I still don’t understand it).

As far as I can explain it’s more based on what I’d imagined around our connection as women, teaching those life lessons and wanting to raise a fierce girl to take on the world. It’s not about pink dresses or ballet, but it’s still about what I’d dreamt about and a sadness at not having certain opportunities and conversations.

Your post has really helped me today, and lead me to create an account. The more it’s talked about it helps to remove some of the burden of guilt that comes with the disappointment. But what I’d love to know, is if it changed for you over time and what ultimately helped?