Gender disappointment

[Pregnancydisappointment]

I’ve name changed as feel embarrassed, stressed, upset and really anxious about this. I really need some help to get my head straight and hopefully some reassurance that my mindset will change.

I am pregnant following IVF, so it’s a very much wanted, planned for and awaited pregnancy. I am apprehensive about how much a baby/child will change our lives, but excited as well. I knew I would ‘prefer’ a girl (as would my husband), but the level of my disappointment when we found out the gender (boy) at my 20week scan has floored me. I feel like I have no ‘right’ to feel like this, especially given through IVF I know so many people who would give anything to be in the position I am now, but I still can’t seem to shake how it’s made me feel.

Its suddenly made me feel resentful of this thing growing inside me, I don’t want ‘him’ there, he is not meant to be there. I’ve had points where I feel like I’d rather not be pregnant than have a boy - and I don’t know why I feel like this.

Reading online, articles talk about it being managing a change from your expectations/dreams/wishes, maybe due to your parent relationships, type of life you imagined etc. I guess maybe this is some of it, although I didn’t expect it to hit me like this. I always would have ‘imagined’ a girl, my relationship with my dad is variable, my mum passed away a couple of years ago, quite young, and my due date is literally a day after her birthday. I guess all this played into my preference….but regardless of the reasons, how do I change my mindset now? Anyone else feel a similar disappointment and now happy with whichever gender they had?

I secretly wanted a girl, but decided not to find out the sex at scans. When I was giving birth the midwife said the head has come out, looks pretty and thought it was a girl, but when baby was fully out it was definitely a boy! I was immediately over my desire for a girl, felt immediate love for my gorgeous little boy baby.

you can either seek some counselling or if you want, you can terminate. Your body, your choice. But you'll have to act fast as you won't have long to sort that out

I consider myself to be pro choice but this is one of the most shocking things I've read on here.

Anyone who terminates a healthy baby because it's the wrong sex, doesn't deserve to be a parent.

I wanted a girl first and was lucky enough to get one. I had a second girl but she died 5 days before my due date. No reason given, which was very hard ("just one of those things", they said). We contemplated not trying again because I then had a miscarriage at 11 weeks and I was 38. We agreed, one last try. And then I had my son. Wow, he's is the most impressive, funny, caring, gorgeous boy any mum could wish for and I think being a mum to a boy is a really special thing, different to being a mum to a girl. At the end of the day, I understand your disappointment but when your boy arrives, you will love him like you've never known love before, I promise. Sending hugs x

Listen, your own children are just amazing no matter what their gender! I did have a slight preference for a girl, and I had two girls, then a boy. We have such a close relationship and I love them all the same! Everyone (including the midwives!) thought it was such a great thing when we had our son after two daughters! We'd had two miscarriages on the way, so gender was the last thing on our minds!

This is one of the reasons why I think finding out the sex during pregnancy isn't always a good idea if the mum has a strong preference. Once the baby is here, you just love them for what they are, not the idea of them.

Why? No one should come online with such an extreme view and expect everyone to pander to them. Honestly, why do people bother having babies knowing it's a 50/50 thing and they only want one type.

I have to admit I felt disappointed when finding out my DS was to be a boy at the 20 week scan.

My only consolation was, maybe I'd have a girl next time.

However, having a boy has been a complete and utter joy. So much so, that when I fell pregnant again 3 years later (after fertility treatment), I was surprised to realise I had a strong preference for another boy.

With respect, until the child is here, you really can't predict how you'll feel.

Thanks again for all the reassuring replies. I’ve talked it through with my husband, he knew I was disappointed, but not how much, it’s helped a bit that he knows. He’s being supportive talking through some of the feelings with me, I’ll see how I feel in a few more days and if still feel like this I’ll contact the midwife. At the moment I can’t imagine feeling like on if the posters who is so happy with her boy now she wants wants more boys - but shows how much feelings can change, so hopefully with time mine will as well.

For the poster that are criticising me, I know you shouldn’t go into trying to have a baby unless you are happy with either sex. Previously I would have said I would be happy with either - during the IVF process I definitely would have said I would be over the moon with either. The feelings of wanting a girl became stronger when I was pregnant. I’m sure most women dream/wish/imagine things a certain way. I didn’t expect the depth of my feelings when I heard he is a boy. Hence asking for support/advice. I think it’s likely tangled up in amongst my emotions of losing my mum, relationship with my dad not being great, and other things. I know that’s my problem to sort out, and it’s not my babies fault, but just telling people how vile they are, and to get over it, is hardly helping. There’s always something worse going on that peoples personal struggles, it doesn’t mean it’s not important to that person.

anyway, thanks again to all the supportive replies x

Some people can be very cruel on here OP.

Really sorry you're going through this. Just remember there is fantastic support via your midwife mental health team. I suffered really badly this pregnancy with intrusive thoughts and anxiety. Thankfully they have subsided. But you're not alone. And we'll done for speaking up.

Take care x

my 1st was a girl and when I was pregnant with my second I really really wanted another girl, I like what I know. Before 20 weeks scan I knew baby was a boy pregnancy was different and just felt like I knew when I had my scan and they confirmed it was a boy I do not deny that I was a bit like ahhhh shit, but not that I didn’t want him just how I saw my life was going to be a bit different then what I saw. I am quite ocd and like to be prepared etc so it think that played a part however my disappointment soon subsided and he is now 8 months and I could not be happier he is a proper little mummy’s boy completely obsessed as he is with me and it’s great. Everyone told me the love you have for a boy is different to a girl and I didn’t get it til I had him. I love both my children equally just in different ways my little girl has always been independent from a young age wasn’t much of a cuddler and I love that about her she is her own person whereas my little boy just wants me all the time and we have an amazing bond. It’s hard how you are feeling and I would say you need to speak to your midwife about it but I’m quite confident that when he is hear all your disappointment will disappear xxx

I felt similar to you however not as deeply and it only lasted a day or two. Now I can honestly say I couldn't have wished for a more beautiful, clever, cheeky and thoughtful little boy. In fact now we are trying for another I feel I'd be a bit disappointed if we had a girl! Haha.

You should speak with your midwife on your feelings and also with family/friends. It's always good to get it out.

It will be fine - you’ll love him when he’s here. It’s good you have time to come to terms with it and it’s not a surprise. Little boys adore their mummies.

I have an IVF baby and have to admit I was just so relieved to be pregnant (although even that was stressful at times) that I really didn’t have a preference. I wonder if all of the stress and heartache of IVF is manifesting in your worries about the baby’s sex?

Some of your thoughts are quite extreme (and upsetting for you!) so I just wanted to say speaking to your midwife wouldn’t mark your card. They usually refer you on to a specialist midwife who is very familiar with MH difficulties, and can offer you enhanced support like extra appointments before and after baby is born.

Children are so much more than their sex. They all have their individual quirks and personality traits which you grow to love. I don't want to reinforce the whole stereotyped idea that boys are more affectionate than girls because obviously that's just a huge generalisation. In our family though - DS has always been more affectionate and cuddly than DD. DD seemed to develop a teenage attitude around 9 years of age. Started finding me embarrassing and annoying and stopped wanting to hang out with me. DS is now 10 and still thinks I'm the best thing since sliced bread! I like the fact boys go through puberty later so remain childish for longer. I'm not saying boys are better. My DD is absolutely wonderful and the light of my life (one of the two lights of my life). I'm just saying some positive things to give some balance to your negative view of having a boy.
You say you wanted the whole mother/daughter relationship but I know plenty of women with rather strained relationships with their mums. And don't buy into that nonsense about "A son is a son until he finds a wife". All the men I know are close to their mums. DH has just got back from a week's holiday with his mum (just him and her) and phones her all the time. My brothers see my parents much more than I do.
Allow yourself to grieve the daughter you thought you'd then focus your energy on having a wonderful relationship with your son.

This is really disturbing. To suggest terminating a pregnancy simply because the baby is not the gender you hoped for is absolutely disgusting. There are many, many perfectly valid reasons to end a pregnancy. Gender disappointment is not one of them. You really should have a word with yourself.

@Pregnancydisappointment I hope you start to feel better about it soon. You will absolutely love your baby boy when he arrives.

I was in the same boat as you! I desperately wanted a girl and found out that I was having a boy - at the time, I felt devastated (this may sound like a strong reaction to some, but 🤷🏻‍♀️). Although never had feels of not wanting him in there and, as others have said, you may want to seek support for these feelings. You aren't along though and I I did often hope they'd got the scan wrong and I wished I would be suprised with a girl at birth or something.

4 years later, and I now have two beautiful boys who I adore more than anything in the world. My eldest son is such a mummy's boy and just so loving - he's always telling me he loves me and says the sweetest things at times. He's been so amazing and changed my perspective completely! My second is 6 weeks old and again, I really hoped he would be a girl but it wasn't meant to be. He's amazing, so easy going and chilled. I already love him so much. I had a brief fleeting thought of disappointment knowing I'd never get to experience 'girl mum' things, this passed and I love both my boy's immensely and wouldn't change either of them for the world.

You'll read this message and it won't feel much help at the time but honestly, one baby is here, you won't want it any other way!! Congratulations on your little mummy's boy 💙

All the way through my pregnancy I was convinced I was having a girl. She had a name. (The hospital didn’t reveal the gender; it was their policy at the time). It was such a shock when I had a boy!!! I loved him from the minute I saw him. He’s 34 now and the best chap ever.

I understand, OP. There's always this misconception that women want girls because of pink dresses and shopping trips, but I think for many of us it's far more complicated than that and ties into our relationships with our own mother as well as the images we've built, perhaps unknowingly, of our future family.

I had a mild preference for a girl in my first pregnancy, but for my second, I assumed I would be happy either way. However shortly after getting pregnant, I felt incredibly strongly that I wanted another girl and it frightened me a bit when I thought about how would I feel if it were a boy. Pre-pregnancy I wouldn't have thought about it particularly much, but it suddenly became a real point of stress for me.

Anyway, the thing is that once they are here, they're their own person, it's not like the picture you have of 'a girl' or 'a boy', it's far more nuanced than that. So I think there's every likelihood that once they place that baby in your arms, you'll get that sense of 'Oh it's you!'.

FWIW I did go on to have a second DD but she's very different from my first so far and they are both just individuals and I imagine I will have unique relationships with both.

Be kind to yourself. There's a lot of thoughts we can have during pregnancy that we can't help, and it doesn't make you a horrible person. Sometimes we can't control our reactions to things, but I really believe that once you have your gorgeous baby with you, you'll fall in love like we all do. I remember thinking how could I ever love DD2 like DD1, surely you can't love two children like you do your first, but you very much can. So don't underestimate the power of the maternal bond.

My first was a girl. I didn't know what I was having with the second, but never imagined for one minute that it would be a boy. I'd ever only known girl babies and knew nothing about boys. I was shocked and a bit horrified when they said that it was a boy. I must admit that it took me around six weeks to warm to him, when he started smiling. I wish I had known in advance so that I could have dealt with my negative feelings before he arrived. Of course, he's been a total mummy's boy and is more affectionate than my girls. He's a real boy's boy with typical male interests and I've been fascinated that he was so masculine from birth despite me knowing nothing about boys. I'd love to see a follow up in a few months time OP to see how you are with your son. Best wishes.

This is really disturbing. To suggest terminating a pregnancy simply because the baby is not the gender you hoped for is absolutely disgusting. There are many, many perfectly valid reasons to end a pregnancy. Gender disappointment is not one of them. You really should have a word with yourself.

I mean, I was a bit 'wtf' when I read that but on the other hand, OP describes her baby as a 'thing' and says she resents 'it.' For many, that would be reason enough to end a pregnancy.

Hi OP, be kind to yourself, your feelings will change. I think there is something about not ever having a girl as this is likely your only pregnancy because of the difficulty you’ve had?

It’s great you’ve talked to your husband. I agree if the feeling goes on, speak to your midwife as not bonding can be a sign of prenatal depression.

Hi OP, I didn't have gender disappointment but if I'm honest in pregnancy I think I was leaning towards wanting a girl. But we got a DS. Honestly, once they arrive, they just become a person who you adore with your whole heart. And at the start there is very little to differentiate boys and girls anyway, it's just about keeping the baby alive and happy. By the time any kind of personality comes through, it doesn't matter if they are a boy or a girl, they are just your child.

I do wonder about the future, about my role as a potential mother in law, about experiences I probably won't have with a DS that I may have had with a DD. For example, I'll bet good money that DS won't invite me suit shopping if he's ever planning a wedding, whereas a DD might have invited me dress shopping - but even that's not a guarantee as a DD may not get married, may not want me there etc etc.

All that is to say, all the things you've imagined with your baby that depend upon their gender are not the things that actually matter once your baby is here as a real person. Baby boys smile at mum the same way baby girls do. Baby boys learn to clap, learn to walk, get excited about days out the same way baby girls do. Baby boys come in for a cuddle and babble nonsense at you the same way baby girls do. Your relationship with your baby will be as loving and as deep as you make it, whether they are a boy or a girl. Good luck for the rest of your pregnancy, keep talking about your feelings (a problem shared is a problem halved) and enjoy your beautiful baby once he arrives.

Honestly it'll be ok. I remember feeling a bit disappointed that I was having boy (in hindsight no idea why!)

Anyway I'm so glad I had him - he's the most thoughtful, sweet, loving, kind boy and yours will be too

I'm really pleased to see there have been mostly supportive replies to your thread, a few horrible ones sadly - but then there always are on mn anyway even about the most innocent posts! Lots of less judging ones too thankfully.

Unfortunately, I completely understand what you are going through. I've had exactly the same reaction to my pregnany, including saying to my husband that I'd rather not be pregnant.

I didn't go through IVF, but we've had years, close to a decade, of secondary infertility and I'd given up on the possibility of having another child (we are fortunate to have a dd). This baby was very much wanted, but so very unexpected after so long of being unable to.
I never could have imagined I would be disappointed with either gender. Especially since I was sure it was a boy from not long after finding out I was pregnant. The scan confirmed my expectations ( / fear as my dh put it). I was completely ashamed at how I felt, I still am. I'm 29 weeks now and those feelings have definitely eased off, but I can't say I still wouldn't prefer another dd. And not for any of the superficial reasons some people think, the dresses, the girly stuff etc, I'm not into any of that myself. I think part of it, for me, is being female I feel like I have more understanding and basic knowledge of looking after a girl. My own dd is very, very like me. Her temperament etc so I have more understanding of managing her emotions and tantrums etc. I know another might be completely different, but still feels less daunting. Whereas with a boy I feel like I don't have the first clue where to begin.

It hasn't helped that my pregnancy hasn't been nearly as smooth sailing as it was with my first either, lots of symptoms making it unpleasant and in the early days I'd find myself thinking I'm going through all this for a boy (before the 12wk scan even) that I don't feel capable of looking after as well as I should be. I think a big part of it is just purely fearing I won't do a good job at parenting him and fearing I won't bond with him the way I have with dd.

I only hope, that as other pps have replied, that it will be a case of when he is born, I won't care anymore. I will just be delighted to have my unexpected baby in my arms.

I haven't mentioned anything to my midwife either. She has 2 boys with a large age gap and I would feel awful trying to talk to her about it. She is very much going through the motions with appointments anyway, already ticking boxes for everything being fine etc before I even answer a question. But mostly I'm just hoping it's a non-issue once he's born (other than the guilt I will undoubtedly feel forever!)
If I do struggle after the birth I intend to try to be honest about it and seek support, the last thing I'd want it to raise a child I unintentionally resent.

Good luck OP.
Please feel free to contact me if you need support at any point without getting vilified by the perfect among us!

I’ve been there. I think it’s harder the first time as it’s hard to imagine that what’s inside you is a real baby. You need to remind yourself that it’s a baby and focus less on the gender. It’s really hard but honestly, he has no idea what gender he is. He really doesn’t. He just loves you. How long ago was your scan? For a lot of people you don’t even know until birth so nothing has changed.

Give yourself some time to grieve for that girl. I don’t listen to all that ‘boys are better’ crap and I say that with a son now. They are absolutely unique individuals and you have no idea what he’ll look like or his personality will be like. Mine is NOTHING like I thought he would be 😂I also kept forgetting that he was a boy when he was born as he was just a baby. I like unisex clothes. He surprises me every day. You will be so excited to get that baby in your arms. I’m excited for you.