Pregnant and cut contact with ex

[Das45]

Hi I'm not sure if this is in the right section.

I broke up with my ex bf back in November and we had a short term relationship for 6 months. 2 weeks later I found out I was pregnant and informed him as it was the done thing.

He expressed he would want to be involved if I chose to proceed with the pregnancy, and I chose to proceed as I wanted the baby. I then shared him early scan and asked him if he'd shown his parents which he had.

We met briefly soon after to talk about the pregnancy and then after that I said I just wanted to get through the 12 weeks first before we met again. He said it would be good to meet up after the new year to talk about the baby and expressed he would like to attend one of the scans.

I told him we had a scan in January and it was exciting for us both. I was on holiday over the new year and I went to the scan early on the day I got back without informing him as I was worried. He then asked a week later about the scan and I told him I just attended alone.

Shortly after this he asked if I could prove to show him I would be supportive of his involvement. Otherwise, he would need to seek paternity as a formality and reassurances when the baby's born.

I said to him this was bonkers and that I didn't want him at any more scans if he wanted paternity as a "formality". I said baby with me 90 percent of the time depending on how I feel. He then text saying it appears that I have decided to exclude him from the pregnancy and he will respect my space till the baby's born and to take care. I said I had every right to do the pregnancy on my own and then cut all communication. 2 months later he messaged me ask if me and the baby were ok and I said yes thanks.

He then asked to arrange a call with him as he felt being completely cut off didn't seem healthy for the baby. During the call he expressed he wasn't that fussed about the whole paternity thing and he just felt I wasn't going to be supporting his involvement after I went to the scan I invited him to without telling him.

On the call he asked if we could talk about some rough arrangements for when the baby arrives, he expressed he wanted to be involved as much as reasonably possible, but I told him to fuck off and hung up the phone. He asked to be at least kept updated and I said il think about it.

I then sent him a message telling him no arrangements will be made and that he should just think about the baby's arrival to get excited. I also said that I wanted no court involvement whatsoever and his reply was "he just wanted the child to feel safe and secure knowing we will get on well together to make arrangements and offered any support should I change my mind."I told him no arrangements will be made and I don't need any support from him and cut contact again.

A week or so later I reached out to him as I was afraid he would go to court and said I was just upset about paternity and we had a call to make arrangements and talk. I said I wasn't going to put him on the birth certificate just to be a bxxxx but putting him on was the right thing to do. He then asked what sort of arrangements I found suitable and I really didn't know so he made a suggestion of every other day or so for a few hours so he can bond with the baby.

During the call I asked if he still wanted to be involved and he said well he wasn't sure what to do as I cut contact but he'd like to be involved but there were only 3 options, a disaster, walk away or no disaster now I called him.

I felt uncomfortable with this in the middle of the night when I was thinking of it as the only reason I called him was to avoid court. I said it didn't make me comfortable if he was just going to walk away. He said he didn't want to walk away but I was giving him that impression. I text him at 4am that the impression was right as I'd feel less stressed doing it on my own.

He didn't reply to me and I got worried and kept texting him that I was stressed. He finally said all is good and hoped me and the baby were ok.

I text him saying that I didn't want him to feel pressure, he said he wasn't pressured but it felt like I was pressuring him to walk away after he already stated he wants to be involved.

The next day I said to him names were in discussion and I started telling him the names, and said I'd use him grandmas name as in of the middle names he was happy with the names but said it didn't feel like I was actually involving him and just devising for him. I said I needed to have a full connection to the name as I wanted the baby and my body goes through all the changes.

He the said he was happy with whatever names I wanted to choose but regarding the surname, he'd like for the baby to have both our surnames so they feel an identity to the both of us and hoped we could agree.

I text him saying that made my blood boil, and that I kept the baby because I wanted her. I the said that from the beginning I was happy to do it on my own, and that everything he has said is not something I can forgive or forget. I then told him he should reconsider his involvement as no communication will be through me. I then blocked him on all platforms.

That was 3 months ago and I still have him blocked and not heard from him. I'm 8 months pregnant.

What are the thoughts of moms on here on my situation? I don't know if he will go to court or not but he said he wanted to be involved.

I’m not sure what he has done wrong here? To me it reads that you have shut him out, he’s trying to be involved but you have taken that away from him?

personally if I was him, it would end up in court for access to my child. If the above convos have been in text, you don’t exactly come off measured.

you have every right to be in control of your body, child and wishes but he seems to want to be in the child’s life.

I would be adult about it, contact him and tell him you have been scared he just walks and it’s hard for you to let your guard down on that. Set reasonable expectations that work for you both in terms of access but also talk financial arrangements.

You can only see how he steps up to the plate from there but he does have a right to be in his child’s life.

I don't understand why you're keeping him at arms length and telling him to fuck off.

I'd be taking you to court tbh if you denied me access to my child.

Poor guy. I also don’t see what he’s done wrong

You complain you’ve not heard from him right after you say you’ve blocked him.

A child has the right to know both parents, it’s not all about you

Yeah I don’t see what he’s done wrong either, you on the other hand…

I hope he goes to court for a paternity test so he can be added to the birth certificate & then pursues court ordered contact. You’ve proved yourself unreasonable so far so I don’t think he has any other option but court.

You need to think about what you want, and you don’t have long. The second that baby is out he is going take you to court over access.

It sounds like he really wants to be involved, you could try some form of couples counselling and work out a plan to raise the child together. You might find if you stop fighting each other he could be a big source of support. If it goes to court you will have no control over what happens.

But you know him, be honest with yourself, is he a good person, or is he going to make your life miserable and fight you over every little thing?

If you don’t want him involved you need to move as far away from him as possible. And it has to be before the baby is born. He can still see the child if you move, but he isn’t going to get 50/50.

I also broke up with ex while pregnant (he left me).

He doesn't seem to have done anything that bad, it sounds like you've been a bit immature, sorry, I know you're hormonal and emotions all over the place.

He's blocked and you haven't heard from him. How could you have?

Remember, he's allowed to express opinions (eg on the baby's surname) you don't have to do what he wants but don't get angry at him for having them.

It's in your child's best interest if you can think of him like a colleague, even if he's annoying, you've got to work with him and keep your emotions in check. Vent to other people if needs be.

It's also in your best interest to help him bond with the baby- you'll need breaks sometimes (trust me!) and will want to be able to leave baby with him (even if it's just to have a shower, or a hair appointment) so baby needs to know him to be able to do this or he will cry.

If you want to keep control I would keep him off birth certificate- you can always add him on later.

For arrangement when baby is born, you can say 'illl let you know when I'm ready for a visit but I'll make sure you can meet her within a month and I'll text you a photo when he's born'

I really hope this is a fake because that poor guy has done everything right yet you’ve pushed him away.

I’m going to give you the benefit of the doubt and assume hormones are influencing your behaviour - you are not coming across well op. And I too don’t get what this bloke has actually done wrong. Of course you haven’t heard from him recently, you have blocked him! Develop a more mature approach - for your child’s sake.

You need to grow up quickly.

first, there is nothing wrong with formal arrangements and court. They provide a default for whenever coparents are not coparenting effectively. You can always negotiate more flexible arrangements if you are able to work together well, but the court arrangements serve as your fallback when you can’t agree.

second, he is not asking for anything really unreasonable. You don’t have to agree to all of it and I certainly wouldn’t. I would give the baby your surname for starters. He is right though that frequent short visits are the gold standard for father involvement. They start very short and likely with you present? or nearby if you prefer, and get longer over time.

get a formal child maintenance agreement in place. Get a formal child visitation schedule in place whether you go through the court or you write up something yourselves, but put in writing so there is no disagreement over what it says. Include how you will communicate and share information. Phone calls are a bad idea if you have a temper, so I would not default to those.

You are very lucky he wants to be involved as much as he does. I'm shocked at how difficult you've been with him. He is about to be a parent just as much as you are, and you have even robbed him of a measly scan. If he takes you to court I don't blame him. You have been completely unreasonable for no real purpose. One day he will move on and have a family of his own and won't be able to devote the time he's able to now and you will be kicking yourself. Change your attitude now, for the sake of your child. Wouldn't you feel better knowing you did everything you can to create a healthy environment for her to grow up in. Get over yourself

Yes but it upset me that he asked for paternity which I said it means he was accusing me of being a slapper. Why would I tell him otherwise?

Also he asked if the baby could have both our surnames as he thought it would make them feel a sense of identity to us both as they grow and I told him that he doesn't understand any of this, that I wanted the baby and the baby is having my surname so I blocked him.

He has a job and a house just down the road, he went to university and he said he will give support if I need it. He said he wanted to be involved and that he wanted to play with the baby and do gardening with them and stuff.

He said to me he's showed the scans and everything to his friends and family now and said that he couldn't get excited anymore. He said his mom was upset when I stopped contact but I said it was not my problem because he asked for paternity and now he asked about the name,

He said he didn't want any overnights or anything like that when the baby is little as it's not best for baby and he wanted me to not feel like the baby will be away from me.
I said no overnights until years to come as I don't want them packing their bags all the time. This was after he said I could have input on helping him make a room for the baby if it made me feel better.

When we called I said I didn't like the fact he said he was going to walk away, as he said there were 3 options because I cut contact, I said I was hoping he would do that because I just called as I wanted to avoid court if it was going that way.

yes I've not let him go to any scans or give him any updates after he said he would need some reassurances after I went the scan I invited him to without telling him.

So what exactly is the problem? He tried to be involved, you obstructed him at every opportunity and then blocked him. You don’t seem to want him to have a bond with his child. In his shoes I would also want a formal paternity test before seeking access through the courts and before I paid a penny in child support.

You did not conceive single handed and your ex obviously wants to be an active part of your child’s life. Why do you seem to be so against that?

If he has any sense he will be going to court, and I would be preparing for that. You've done nothing except muck him around and be verbally abusive, and refused to allow him to attend any scans (which you have the right to) despite initially saying he could. You've been as obstructive and argumentative as you possibly could, and seem surprised he's asked about paternity, having his name on the certificate, and having a link to the baby with a hyphenated surname. You seem to be determined to make the whole situation as difficult as you can, and I be advising him to go through the courts as you seem to get irritated with every request and would be difficult to deal with.

OP you sound ridiculously immature. I can't blame him for seeing reassurances after you mess him around

I think you need to put the well being of your baby to the forefront of your mind. Saying things like I said no overnights until years to come as I don't want them packing their bags all the time. does not paint you as a caring mother.

You have behaved appallingly. He's done everything right - you are being so unbelievably spiteful and selfish. Think of your child ffs, why would you want to stop her having a relationship with her father who clearly wants one?
He can take you to court for access, and will be granted it as he has done nothing wrong and you're trying to stop him having any connection with his baby. He could very well end up with 50/50 custody if he seeks it when the baby is older, there's no reason he can't. Your reasoning and excuses won't come across well in court - seriously think about your behaviour. Your daughter won't thank you when she grows up and learns the truth.

I also don't like how he said on the phone that it wasn't about me or him and was about the best interests of the baby. As don't know what's in the best interests of the baby as they are not here yet.

I really don't understand your attitude. If you didn't want him involved you shouldn't have told him. He sounds nice and sensible, a lot of us single moms would have been delighted four child to have such a father

I really think you should have some counselling so you can talk this through properly

He is completely correct in what he's said, you are being ridiculously childish. You aren't thinking about your child's best interests, he seems to be though.

I found out I was pregnant when we were split but I wanted her though. When he mentioned shared parenting I said that's only what married people do.

And the same with the surname

No, it really isn't. Do you honestly believe that parents who aren't in a relationship don't co parent their kids?
I'm starting to think this is a wind up now.

i was thinking it would be nice to have him involved at first but then he asked for paternity and asked about the name too