Pregnant and cut contact with ex

[Das45]

Hi I'm not sure if this is in the right section.

I broke up with my ex bf back in November and we had a short term relationship for 6 months. 2 weeks later I found out I was pregnant and informed him as it was the done thing.

He expressed he would want to be involved if I chose to proceed with the pregnancy, and I chose to proceed as I wanted the baby. I then shared him early scan and asked him if he'd shown his parents which he had.

We met briefly soon after to talk about the pregnancy and then after that I said I just wanted to get through the 12 weeks first before we met again. He said it would be good to meet up after the new year to talk about the baby and expressed he would like to attend one of the scans.

I told him we had a scan in January and it was exciting for us both. I was on holiday over the new year and I went to the scan early on the day I got back without informing him as I was worried. He then asked a week later about the scan and I told him I just attended alone.

Shortly after this he asked if I could prove to show him I would be supportive of his involvement. Otherwise, he would need to seek paternity as a formality and reassurances when the baby's born.

I said to him this was bonkers and that I didn't want him at any more scans if he wanted paternity as a "formality". I said baby with me 90 percent of the time depending on how I feel. He then text saying it appears that I have decided to exclude him from the pregnancy and he will respect my space till the baby's born and to take care. I said I had every right to do the pregnancy on my own and then cut all communication. 2 months later he messaged me ask if me and the baby were ok and I said yes thanks.

He then asked to arrange a call with him as he felt being completely cut off didn't seem healthy for the baby. During the call he expressed he wasn't that fussed about the whole paternity thing and he just felt I wasn't going to be supporting his involvement after I went to the scan I invited him to without telling him.

On the call he asked if we could talk about some rough arrangements for when the baby arrives, he expressed he wanted to be involved as much as reasonably possible, but I told him to fuck off and hung up the phone. He asked to be at least kept updated and I said il think about it.

I then sent him a message telling him no arrangements will be made and that he should just think about the baby's arrival to get excited. I also said that I wanted no court involvement whatsoever and his reply was "he just wanted the child to feel safe and secure knowing we will get on well together to make arrangements and offered any support should I change my mind."I told him no arrangements will be made and I don't need any support from him and cut contact again.

A week or so later I reached out to him as I was afraid he would go to court and said I was just upset about paternity and we had a call to make arrangements and talk. I said I wasn't going to put him on the birth certificate just to be a bxxxx but putting him on was the right thing to do. He then asked what sort of arrangements I found suitable and I really didn't know so he made a suggestion of every other day or so for a few hours so he can bond with the baby.

During the call I asked if he still wanted to be involved and he said well he wasn't sure what to do as I cut contact but he'd like to be involved but there were only 3 options, a disaster, walk away or no disaster now I called him.

I felt uncomfortable with this in the middle of the night when I was thinking of it as the only reason I called him was to avoid court. I said it didn't make me comfortable if he was just going to walk away. He said he didn't want to walk away but I was giving him that impression. I text him at 4am that the impression was right as I'd feel less stressed doing it on my own.

He didn't reply to me and I got worried and kept texting him that I was stressed. He finally said all is good and hoped me and the baby were ok.

I text him saying that I didn't want him to feel pressure, he said he wasn't pressured but it felt like I was pressuring him to walk away after he already stated he wants to be involved.

The next day I said to him names were in discussion and I started telling him the names, and said I'd use him grandmas name as in of the middle names he was happy with the names but said it didn't feel like I was actually involving him and just devising for him. I said I needed to have a full connection to the name as I wanted the baby and my body goes through all the changes.

He the said he was happy with whatever names I wanted to choose but regarding the surname, he'd like for the baby to have both our surnames so they feel an identity to the both of us and hoped we could agree.

I text him saying that made my blood boil, and that I kept the baby because I wanted her. I the said that from the beginning I was happy to do it on my own, and that everything he has said is not something I can forgive or forget. I then told him he should reconsider his involvement as no communication will be through me. I then blocked him on all platforms.

That was 3 months ago and I still have him blocked and not heard from him. I'm 8 months pregnant.

What are the thoughts of moms on here on my situation? I don't know if he will go to court or not but he said he wanted to be involved.

Well I did say it would be nice to do everything with him at first until he asked for paternity so I don't know why he did it. I said if he wanted paternity he couldn't come to the scans with me as I thought it was bonkers if he didn't believe the baby was his.

So you just used him for his sperm then?

If this is the case, you could have avoided all of this by going to a sperm bank!

This is why you are not going to make a wise decision here. It's all about you.

You told him out of courtesy??!! You don't want a relationship.

It's about your little girl having a good father figure in her life- you should be doing everything to facilitate this. It's just not fair, it's parent alienation and it's to the detriment of your child.

I thought it was the right thing but after he asked for paternity I said I wish I didn't tell him and just got on with my pregnancy.

someone said before he would get more in court than what he's asking for as a baby? He suggested 3 times a week, he gets more if he goes to court?

Possible. Could be 50/50. Could be more if he proves you’re guilty of parental alienation.

Also what if I don't want him at house how can he get more then?

Nothing about your original post suggested this. You have a very strange view of his actions. To pretty much everyone else they are actions of someone who wants to be an active parent in his daughters life, trying to be cooperative with you. How on earth do you conclude that he is manipulating the situation? He asked for a double barreled surname!!! That's including your name, showing his commitment to his child. Nothing of what you have said suggests manipulation- so why did you stare this?

He doesn’t need to have contact in your house.

Maybe he only wants to be involved to get back together or the name

Or maybe he actually wants a relationship with his child like he’s been saying all along 🙄

But you are stressed because of your ooor communication skills and reasoning. You have created a massive drama out of nothing. All you had to say was no this is her name, but then work with him to make him feel included in another way! He has backed down with every other request- so why create unnecessary stress for you and your baby

Now this is probably the most truthful you have been. That opening line is your true intention. And that's sad because you are going to pro actively making decisions to ruin your daughter's relationship with her dad. A dad who is not abusive, not volatile who wants to be an active part in her life.

It's probably one of the most selfish decisions you will make on her behalf.

Nothing suggests this is the case. How did you come to this conclusion?

It fits your n with your desire to parent alone.

But I have every right to do the pregnancy on my own if I'm stressed with him. Also if I met someone else the baby wouldn't know any different when they grow up would they. That's what I said to him.

I don't understand why he would want to be involved if I don't want to be with him, not asking for money and I'm happy to do it on my own. Especially have his surname for the baby! How do I know he won't just walk away after babys name

Being with you, or without you, has nothing to do with being a parent to his child.

As someone who grew up without a father figure, seriously, stop being selfish and think of your little girl. Years of questioning why she wasn't good enough, for the truth to come out at 18 and for her to resent and hatw you.

How does he know your fit to be a parent? Questions can go both ways. You don't. Nor does he. So why do you get to make the unilateral decision on this.

If this is your behaviour, and you weren't in a serious relationship, him asking for paternity is absolutely understandable.

You seem to have taken massive offence to him even asking that question and now want to be difficult as hell.

If he does take you to court, all of this behaviour will not go in your favour in the slightest. Let alone what your child will think of you as she grows up and eventually learns the truth.

He'd have to be off his rocker to want to get back together with you in all honesty. If you hadn't used him for his sperm, I highly imagine it would be him doing the blocking of contact. And good luck finding another man who would just decide to magically raise someone else's child as their own, it isn't as simple as you seem to think. What an absolute wingnut

I think there are enough people on here telling you the impacts of your selfish desire to parent alone and the detriment that it will have on your daughter. And every post you make just is trying to justify this in your head. But it's all made up: he might be manipulative, he might want to get back together etc etc it's all a way to justify your selfishness.

Ultimately your daughter will miss out on a meaningful relationship with her father and her fathers family. I can foresee you justifying that to her that he was manipulative and didn't want to know. Which if you do shame on you.

You have a duty of care to that child and that duty means facilitating and helping her bond with those who are important.

The final thing I will say and probably the reason I'm so sad about your child's future is from my own experience. My daughter had a father who is volatile, who is violent, who is dangerous and the courts deemed he was so dangerous to her that she has no direct contact with him. That result is unheard of in the family courts and it certainly wasn't a victory. I feel guilt every single day that I didn't pick a kind, caring man to father my child. She now has a wonderful are father who does fulfil those needs but that guilt never ever goes away I almost hope one day he knocks on our door with a complete personality transplant and is the father she deserves.

So can you see how amazing it is that your daughter has a dad who wants to be there, wants to bond, sees her as so special he would agree to anything you say!!! Don't let your needs cloud your judgement do what's best for your child- it's not too late!!!

*step father not are father

You couldn't afford a paternity test, but you can afford a baby by yourself? I don't think so I'm guessing benefits are involved, take the help he is offering to give your child a better start in life.

@Bluebellsbells I could have written your post, The guilt is awful. My sons 21 now and also has a wonderful stepfather but it's not the same.
Op take the advice from people who have lived it.. I'd give anything for my son to not feel abandoned by his father, to have grandparents, uncles, aunties, cousins! Why when you've got a decent caring man who wants to be there for his daughter would you try and take that away. It's not about you. Please do the right thing for your daughter!

I'm more than capable of raising her in my own. I don't want to be in relationship with him... I just want to get on with things. I don't want him to cause problems.

everything you write is “I want this” , “I want that”. How can you not realise this situation is not all about you?!? The most important person in this situation is your baby to be, and she has a right to contact with her father.

End. Of.

This baby will need a stable, reliable parent in his or her life.

I think we are all rooting for Dad to be fully involved at this point.

OP isn’t listening to anything anyone is saying so probably no point in replying and feeding this little game she’s playing. She’s not wanting advice so this post is completely pointless