Pregnant and cut contact with ex

[Das45]

Hi I'm not sure if this is in the right section.

I broke up with my ex bf back in November and we had a short term relationship for 6 months. 2 weeks later I found out I was pregnant and informed him as it was the done thing.

He expressed he would want to be involved if I chose to proceed with the pregnancy, and I chose to proceed as I wanted the baby. I then shared him early scan and asked him if he'd shown his parents which he had.

We met briefly soon after to talk about the pregnancy and then after that I said I just wanted to get through the 12 weeks first before we met again. He said it would be good to meet up after the new year to talk about the baby and expressed he would like to attend one of the scans.

I told him we had a scan in January and it was exciting for us both. I was on holiday over the new year and I went to the scan early on the day I got back without informing him as I was worried. He then asked a week later about the scan and I told him I just attended alone.

Shortly after this he asked if I could prove to show him I would be supportive of his involvement. Otherwise, he would need to seek paternity as a formality and reassurances when the baby's born.

I said to him this was bonkers and that I didn't want him at any more scans if he wanted paternity as a "formality". I said baby with me 90 percent of the time depending on how I feel. He then text saying it appears that I have decided to exclude him from the pregnancy and he will respect my space till the baby's born and to take care. I said I had every right to do the pregnancy on my own and then cut all communication. 2 months later he messaged me ask if me and the baby were ok and I said yes thanks.

He then asked to arrange a call with him as he felt being completely cut off didn't seem healthy for the baby. During the call he expressed he wasn't that fussed about the whole paternity thing and he just felt I wasn't going to be supporting his involvement after I went to the scan I invited him to without telling him.

On the call he asked if we could talk about some rough arrangements for when the baby arrives, he expressed he wanted to be involved as much as reasonably possible, but I told him to fuck off and hung up the phone. He asked to be at least kept updated and I said il think about it.

I then sent him a message telling him no arrangements will be made and that he should just think about the baby's arrival to get excited. I also said that I wanted no court involvement whatsoever and his reply was "he just wanted the child to feel safe and secure knowing we will get on well together to make arrangements and offered any support should I change my mind."I told him no arrangements will be made and I don't need any support from him and cut contact again.

A week or so later I reached out to him as I was afraid he would go to court and said I was just upset about paternity and we had a call to make arrangements and talk. I said I wasn't going to put him on the birth certificate just to be a bxxxx but putting him on was the right thing to do. He then asked what sort of arrangements I found suitable and I really didn't know so he made a suggestion of every other day or so for a few hours so he can bond with the baby.

During the call I asked if he still wanted to be involved and he said well he wasn't sure what to do as I cut contact but he'd like to be involved but there were only 3 options, a disaster, walk away or no disaster now I called him.

I felt uncomfortable with this in the middle of the night when I was thinking of it as the only reason I called him was to avoid court. I said it didn't make me comfortable if he was just going to walk away. He said he didn't want to walk away but I was giving him that impression. I text him at 4am that the impression was right as I'd feel less stressed doing it on my own.

He didn't reply to me and I got worried and kept texting him that I was stressed. He finally said all is good and hoped me and the baby were ok.

I text him saying that I didn't want him to feel pressure, he said he wasn't pressured but it felt like I was pressuring him to walk away after he already stated he wants to be involved.

The next day I said to him names were in discussion and I started telling him the names, and said I'd use him grandmas name as in of the middle names he was happy with the names but said it didn't feel like I was actually involving him and just devising for him. I said I needed to have a full connection to the name as I wanted the baby and my body goes through all the changes.

He the said he was happy with whatever names I wanted to choose but regarding the surname, he'd like for the baby to have both our surnames so they feel an identity to the both of us and hoped we could agree.

I text him saying that made my blood boil, and that I kept the baby because I wanted her. I the said that from the beginning I was happy to do it on my own, and that everything he has said is not something I can forgive or forget. I then told him he should reconsider his involvement as no communication will be through me. I then blocked him on all platforms.

That was 3 months ago and I still have him blocked and not heard from him. I'm 8 months pregnant.

What are the thoughts of moms on here on my situation? I don't know if he will go to court or not but he said he wanted to be involved.

We'll I have the right to do the pregnancy on my own if I want to if I feel stressed. I don't have to give him any updates. Maybe I can just keep him blocked and just reach out to tell him baby arrived a few weeks after and registered them with my name, still see is he wants to be involved at that point as he will have to think about whether he wants court or walks away. Then the baby will know.

Well they would know, wouldn't they? Because he's gonna take you to court.
You don't get to pick and choose who gets to play daddy.

You don't have the right to be a complete dick to the father of your child without good reason though. You chose to sleep with him and carry on the pregnancy. He has done nothing unreasonable to you.

Well he asked for paternity and I told him the baby was his. So I've not give him any updates at all and not allowing him to scans if he didn't believe me.

Also he might not want to go to court @IDontLoveTheWayYouLie because he's might not want to be involved if he's not part of the pregnancy. Also the court won't care about that I didn't want to update him during pregnancy. I said to him months ago baby will be with me 90% of the time and depends if he still wanted paternity at that point.

How old are you??

I have reported the thread . I truly hope this isn’t a genuine thread poor child if it is

I did say also on the phone to him that I didn't want the baby to think why I didn't let them see their dad, but then he asked about the name when I already said baby was having my surname. What's his chances of getting the surname in court?

Why? Because they are biologically his child! Do you seriously think the baby wouldn't know any different? Do you have social services involved seriously i think you need them.

Of course you have the “right” to “do the pregnancy on your own” whatever that means. You don’t have to invite him to appointments or scans, or see him etc. it would be decent to provide an occasional update to let him know that the pregnancy is progressing etc, and you should let him know when you expect the baby to be born and you should be prepared to discuss contact arrangements for when baby arrives.

He has a right to parental responsibility , so if he intends to be involved, you should facilitate his inclusion on the birth certificate.
If you don’t , he will need to go through the courts to acquire parental responsibility. If you force him into a situation where he has to take you to court for access to your baby you may end up losing a lot more control that if you are able to come to an informal, amicable arrangement between yourselves. Court may cost you a lot of time, money, emotional energy and you may end up with a much worse outcome in terms of shared parenting arrangements that suit you.

I'm not sure why it gets reported, I said I might reach out to him when babys born if he hasn't tried to contact my family or something, I just don't want to deal with him directly and that's what I said to him.
mid he's happy to not deal with me directly and see the baby that's fine.

The court will care that you won't let your child see their fucking dad without good reason though.

Nothing that you have come out with stops him from being able to see the baby. He seems to be the only one that's trying.

Really annoys me because there's plenty of people out there who have never met their kids because they can't be arsed but then theirs 'mothers' like you who just stop it because they want to be a twat about it.

You keep saying that you might meet someone new and your child won't know any different. Have you already got someone else lined up to play daddy?

How old are you??

You're embarrassing yourself.

I did try, I reached out to him to make arrangements, and I said il out him on birth certificate even if it did make me feel uneasy, I said that to him. Then it was the next day he just said it didn't feel like he was involved about the name, and I said I never said he got to choose a name.

Is he actually a threat though? Is the main reason you're not wanting him to be involved with his child because he's your ex and you're not still together?

I really can't see the problem with him not being able to even see the baby a few hours a week just so they can spend time together.

You told him you were pregnant and any decent dad would want to be there.

So why don't you make that arrangement now if you don't want to speak to him? Arrange a family member who will be mediator so that he can continue with his plans to be a father to his child when she's born.

And when he gets contact it's not at your house OP, he will take the baby to his house for whatever arrangement the court deemed suitable.

You're in for a massive wake up call. But then again, I'm not sure you actually give a shit about this child.

Can you explain why you are so angry about the name?
it’s very normal these days for children to have both their parents surnames. He’s not asking for his instead of yours, he’s asking for both to be included. Has it occurred to you that your child might want to have both her parents names, to feel like she’s a part of both families?
have you considered your baby at all in this?

To be clear, very clear, if he goes to court you will be raked over the coals. He is the biological father. The second he is on that birth certificate he is an equal parent to you.

Even if you choose not to put him on the certificate, if he goes to court he will get his name on it, it is also extremely likely he will be able to double barrel the surname. The courts want a link to both parents.

If he wants 50/50 time with the child, it is extremely likely he will be awarded that too if feasible (not straight away but will be worked towards). Even if you obstruct contact, court will order it. If you refuse to have him over to bond with baby when baby is with you, they'll order you to hand baby over to someone else to facilitate contact such as a grandparent or contact centre. If you consistently obstruct contact the court will place sanctions on you and a very hardline judge could even award primary residency to the dad if they think you're obstructing.

If you wanted a child that had a father with no say you should have gone down the sperm donor route. Your child is not your possession, it is a person you have the responsibility to do right by. You have every right to do pregnancy by yourself but once baby is born you don't have any superioroty over him as a parent by being the mother. It's in your best interests to have dad onside and right now you're pushing him down the court route. Give yourself an attitude adjustment pronto unless you want a judge deciding when you have your child.

Yes but there no point in making arrangements now even through a parent until babys born.

Everyone says give baby my surname even on here, the whole argument of have I thought about how child might feel about not having both ours is just bonkers becuse there are so many other topics on here where all other mums say not to give baby his surname, and only ours, did they not stop to think about how baby would feel? I don't know why I'm singled out on that

The court doesn't prove his willingness to be a dad, it proves your lack of willingness to let him be a part of her life.

Your attitude is appalling, you a self centred and I don't know why you even bothered to ask for advice because the only person who is important in your world is you and you don't care about the consequences on your child.

I hope when it gets to court he can use your texts and communications to prove how you spent your entire pregnancy ensuring a baby was alienated from a willing, caring dad.

Your actions are disgusting. I feel for your ex and your child.

For the sake of your unborn child I really hope he goes to court. You are completely unhinged and probably shouldn't be the sole carer of a child.

But you are conflating the advice given to victims of abuse or where the dad isn't interested which are entirely different situations, that's why you are getting different advice. It doesn't apply to all fathers only abusers etc.

You’re not being singled out: your reaction of flying into a rage, blocking your ex and trying to cut him completely out of your daughter’s life because he asked to give his child his name (in addition to yours) is utterly bizarre.

I don’t know in what circumstances people are advised to only give a child their surname (perhaps if they are dealing with an abusive or controlling ex), but it’s normal in ordinary circumstances these days for kids to have both parents names , and it is a perfectly reasonable request that your ex made. You don’t have to agree, but to react the way you have is completely unacceptable. Him asking for a name in no way justifies you behaviour.

Yes, when the ex is abusive, tries to manipulate into getting an abortion, resorts to scare tactics of how the baby will have their name only, to let them know when baby is born so they can pick them up and how you can't stop them. Saying they'll get 50/50 from birth to stop them needing to pay maintenance because their mum/gf will look after baby for them. Saying they will go to court to get an order to force you to let them be at scans/birth.

Your ex seems entirely reasonable. Hasn't seemed to pressure you in any way. Politely requested to come with you to a scan (which you agreed to then renegaded on), said he'd give you space when you were clearly excluding him because you wanted to go through pregnancy alone (and followed through with this and gave you 2 months before following up by simply asking if you were both ok - entirely reasonable!). He asked to be kept updated, you agreed. You contacted him about names, when you said you wanted to pick as you were carrying he said OK but I'd like to request you double barrel and include my surname - not unreasonable request. You say you haven't heard from him in months - well of course you haven't you said in the same sentence you still have him blocked despite telling him you'd keep him updated on the wellbeing of his child!

He's been reasonable, polite, and respected your wishes. He's only ever reacted to your random outbursts where you have blocked him, cut him off and sworn at him in response to perfectly reasonable requests. You agree to things, then just do whatever the hell you want anyway. I'm not surprised if he's frustrated with you, to have not screamed back he must have the patience of a saint!